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I agree with the others. There is no point in telling him so it’s just best to let that go. When he asks for money just say you are unable to and don’t elaborate or make excuses. As someone else suggested if you want to offer advice then suggest he trade his car in or sell it.
I had a relative with similar behavior. He was always asking family members for money and I was not closely connected to him (late husband’s brother) but knew my turn would come. So, when he came around asked me for money, I agreed to loan him money if he would pay me back and he follow a repayment plan. He promised he would and I set up a payment plan with him for him to repay me in increments. I was pretty certain he wouldn’t ever pay me back and he never did. But, thereafter, he called a couple of times to ask for more money, I told him when he paid me back what he owed me I would consider another loan. He never contacted me again for money. The $500 I “loaned” him was well worth it to me to keep him off my back forever. Even if this was my own Dad, I would respond the same.
That said, your Dad is in a serious spiral. If he is a veteran, there are counseling services he can obtain. At, 73, there may be some community social services to provide him counseling and there should be a chapter of AA if he is willing to attend meetings.
So sorry that this has happened to your family, but you know the answer. Your father is terrible with money. If you can't afford to give him more, the answer is simply "No". It's a complete sentence. You just have to tell him you don't have it to give. He is a grown man and apparently not having problems with dementia. You are not obligated in any way to continue to enable his bad spending habits. Giving him money is like giving alcohol to an alcoholic. You aren't helping him, and you may be contributing to the problem. If he still sees his girlfriend, tell him to ask her for money. Or ask for his ring back to sell. This is not your problem to repair, it's his.
He is using you as a piggy bank to raid and you need to stop that. He has ruined his financial security, don't let him ruin yours. You can't buy his love. Tell him the truth, that he has made bad decisions, and he needs to grow up and live within his means. He can sell his car and buy a cheap used one. He can ask his girlfriend for money, as she did from him. He can just stop throwing money around that he doesn't have. He has his social security and he's going to have to figure out a way to live on it. THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You will not kill him, heart disease doesn't work that way, or send him around the mental bend by telling him no.
You can't help him because he has no desire to change.
If you give him money, view it as a gift. If you don't want to give him money tell you can't afford it.
Agree with this since he will probably never pay it back. He started off the "ask" email with 'I know I haven't paid back the $xx yet, but...' and he got that number wrong, it is more. He also said he got a new, better paying job but not sure I can trust that. I also have not cashed a Christmas or Birthday check from him in years. He sent me some clothes he doesn't wear anymore so maybe that accounts for the owed part he didn't include.
Quote:
Originally Posted by k7baixo
No pension? Surely he has a decent social security check.
Yes, but the money he asking for is probably to cover his expensive car payment or some other thing he should not be spending money on, this is the part that annoys me the most - he is asking for money to pay for something he should not be buying at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53
By any chance was he a Vietnam vet? Sounds like many that I know. The spending, the drinking, etc.
No, but totally see the similarity. He joined the National Guard to avoid the draft.
So sorry that this has happened to your family, but you know the answer. Your father is terrible with money. If you can't afford to give him more, the answer is simply "No". It's a complete sentence. You just have to tell him you don't have it to give. He is a grown man and apparently not having problems with dementia. You are not obligated in any way to continue to enable his bad spending habits. Giving him money is like giving alcohol to an alcoholic. You aren't helping him, and you may be contributing to the problem. If he still sees his girlfriend, tell him to ask her for money. Or ask for his ring back to sell. This is not your problem to repair, it's his.
He is using you as a piggy bank to raid and you need to stop that. He has ruined his financial security, don't let him ruin yours. You can't buy his love. Tell him the truth, that he has made bad decisions, and he needs to grow up and live within his means. He can sell his car and buy a cheap used one. He can ask his girlfriend for money, as she did from him. He can just stop throwing money around that he doesn't have. He has his social security and he's going to have to figure out a way to live on it. THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You will not kill him, heart disease doesn't work that way, or send him around the mental bend by telling him no.
He has always had terrible problems over-spending so this is not related to age. I have 60k in saving but it's the principle of the entire thing that bothers me. My day job barely covers my bills so it's not sustainable. Why should I give away my savings to him because he can't manage his finances? If I keep giving him money, where do I draw the line? I have commented to him about this problem before and he was profoundly offended (ego damaged) to the point we did not talk for over a year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas
I had a relative with similar behavior. He was always asking family members for money and I was not closely connected to him (late husband’s brother) but knew my turn would come. So, when he came around asked me for money, I agreed to loan him money if he would pay me back and he follow a repayment plan. He promised he would and I set up a payment plan with him for him to repay me in increments. I was pretty certain he wouldn’t ever pay me back and he never did. But, thereafter, he called a couple of times to ask for more money, I told him when he paid me back what he owed me I would consider another loan. He never contacted me again for money. The $500 I “loaned†him was well worth it to me to keep him off my back forever. Even if this was my own Dad, I would respond the same.
That said, your Dad is in a serious spiral. If he is a veteran, there are counseling services he can obtain. At, 73, there may be some community social services to provide him counseling and there should be a chapter of AA if he is willing to attend meetings.
Nothing new here, been this way his entire life. The divorce revealed 80k in CC debit which my mom had to pay for half of.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy
I agree with the others. There is no point in telling him so it’s just best to let that go. When he asks for money just say you are unable to and don’t elaborate or make excuses. As someone else suggested if you want to offer advice then suggest he trade his car in or sell it.
I have done this in my last email and he said the car has been on sale for 2-3 months but has not found the right customer willing to pay what he is asking, to allow him enough to get a decent car after.
Hello. I have a troubled father - I am 40 years old and he is 73. My father was a successful executive for many years - a workaholic, also an alcoholic. He made a lot of money and inherited a lot of money when his mother died. He also grew to hate working so once he inherited the money, he retired early but kept spending. He had a severe anger problem and was verbally abusive to our entire family, especially after drinking. He was generous, but neither my sister or I ever got a penny of his inheritance. 15 years ago, my mother saw the writing on the wall and divorced him. They both began dating and he met a woman online. With no income and his money slipping away, he bought this woman a $20,000 engagement ring and $40,000 Lexus.
A few years later, he could not afford his mortgage, and left the big city to go live with this woman who had moved to a much more affordable city in the South. He got a job working in the produce section at a grocery store for close to minimum wage. He also financed his own Lexus with a $500/month car payment around this time. He never got married to this woman but still dates her, most people think his drinking scared her off. As far as I know, she kept the ring and still drives the Lexus.
For the last year or so, he has been rotating between my Uncle and I asking to "borrow" money. He has not paid back any of it. I have decent income but live in an extremely expensive city. I barely make ends meet with my own job and have explained this to him, but it has not changed anything.
He is his own worst enemy and completely to blame for his financial situation. I feel like telling him this but am concerned on how it would effect him. He just had heart surgery and is not the most emotionally stable person. I visited him last year and his drinking was worse than ever. How do you suggest I deal with this? Thanks
Before this even occurs, head it off by asking for your money back. This is the goal.
Even in small sums, reminding him you need the $$ for your retirement
No one is giving you any inheritance like he benefited from
Offer to help him finacially plan by listing basic needs and extras on separate sheets of paper
the goal is to cut out one extra so you can be paid
The car would do it.
Ride the bus
If he is still asking for $$, his ego was never damaged.
He quit talking to you because he is being mean to you.
You are no longer the cash cow
He's a sociopath unable to love
You cannot win.
He's a liar
Correct him upon how much he owes you
No one stops talking to their child for a year over something like this
That is insane, no one is that heartless
Dad needs to get a second job as a wallmart greeter
To at least try to pay you back in good faith
It helps him get more exercise too.
Maybe a Security Guard would work
Most sociopaths are into money
It's time to worry how to get that $$ back,
not mulling over how to continue to dig yourself a smaller hole
That cannot even be an option
If you're lucky, he will have a heart attack.
Sorry but he is a really cruel hearted person
.
Last edited by ByeFelicia.; 09-23-2018 at 11:45 AM..
Thanks. I decided to send him the $150 only because he was generous in helping me with a down payment on my condo years ago. I let him know this is the last time I will be sending him money until be pays me back in full and that he is 100% responsible for his financial state, and that it's unfair for him to continuously expect family to bail him out.
I never even mentioned in this thread how he has blamed having kids on his financial state and suggested I never have any myself. Will be interesting to see his reaction. My guess is it will not be friendly.
Not that it necessarily changes anything, but I am curious.... did he gift you the money or loan it to you?
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Thanks. I decided to send him the $150 only because he was generous in helping me with a down payment on my condo years ago. I let him know this is the last time I will be sending him money until be pays me back in full and that he is 100% responsible for his financial state, and that it's unfair for him to continuously expect family to bail him out.
I never even mentioned in this thread how he has blamed having kids on his financial state and suggested I never have any myself. Will be interesting to see his reaction. My guess is it will not be friendly.
Mistake.
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