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My daughter (while not ADHD) acts immature and is very active. Hers is from other medical issues when she was younger. However, I have noticed that she gets along much better with children that are younger than she is. She does have one best friend who is a few months older, but generally speaking, mentally she is more on a level with kids that are one to two years younger. She can be goofy, hyper, and immature without it being a big deal. Is it possible for her to make friends or have playdates with kids from classes below hers? Even becoming friends with a classmates younger sibling?
Since you mention immaturity, I would think that perhaps a younger child might make a better friend for her than children her own age. There is nothing at all wrong with playing with younger or older kids if these kids suit your style better.
I would, however, want to talk to her classmates about ADHD in general and how children who have this difficulty have a different kind of brain, not a lesser one. Often a child with ADHD has some real strengths that can be shared.
This particular blog is how one mom explained autism to her son's classroom. Perhaps it can give you some inspiration. You should read through all the links to see what she said and what happened.
Do you have a husband / male partner. I think guys tend to be a bit less judgemental so perhaps he could try to make friends with some of the other dads in her class. By this I mean the dads often just stand around and chat and have a beer and are a bit more sort of who cares. If that makes sense in any way.
In either case, I would say to try to get to know the parents of the other kids in her class or team and then explain about her and then ask them for help.
This is a long post and I apologize. I thought some background was necessary. My questions are these: How can I help her make a close friend or two? How can I deal with the parents who prefer for the children to play with more mature kids? What can I do to help make the playdates successful?
You have to teach her how to be a friend and then she can have friends.
One of my kids in the 3rd grade complained how he didn't have friends but he wanted some, he was trying to play with groups of kids and trying to "lead" and they didn't want to play games he suggested and then they'd shun him.
I explained to him that he had to forget the established groups if he was going to insist on leading - or else follow along with the group because he was the newcomer to these groups he was trying to fit in with, play what these kids were already playing.
Well - he insisted he should be the leader so I told him quit trying to barge in on other groups then and create his own group. Look around for solitary kids - because there always are some, he just wasn't noticing them. Find these kids who also don't have friends and ask them about themselves, ask them if they have a dog, ask them about their dog, ask them about their siblings, stuff they like to do at home. Show an interest in those other kids without friends and you'll have friends. Often those kids are shy and perfectly happy to have someone to talk to - and the one who really wants friends might have to initiate things. First he said he just wanted the more popular kids as friends and I told him - well there's your problem, the popular kids already have enough friends and aren't looking for more and they don't make the best friends anyhow, you're better off with true friends who aren't just trying to be popular.
It worked for him, he started looking around for others who needed friends and became their friend.
I want to thank everyone for their suggestions. It was helpful to read different points of view. One common theme seemed to be that I should try let the other parents know that why my daughter acts a little different. I think I will give it a try the next time my daughter makes a new friend and see how it goes. With the schoolyear starting soon, I'm sure I'll get a chance.
I want to thank everyone for their suggestions. It was helpful to read different points of view. One common theme seemed to be that I should try let the other parents know that why my daughter acts a little different. I think I will give it a try the next time my daughter makes a new friend and see how it goes. With the schoolyear starting soon, I'm sure I'll get a chance.
It also might be good for her to hang out with two people at a time. I know sometimes if someone is spirited and the other isnt it might be a lot to take on. So two friends is great.
Growing up there was a "special" (Not ADD, she had many issues and really was a special girl) and my mother and her mother where good friends. We ended up joining a bowling league together. It's great because it's a team thing but we took it as light hearted fun and didn't really care if we won or not.
I would suggest NOT telling all other parents. The reasons are:
- misunderstanding her needs
- making things too simple or easy for her when it is needed (that can get REAL frustrating for a child)
- not changing their views of her as she matures and eventually finds ways to make her ADHD a benefit
As far as helping her make friends, one thing that works for many of my students is to set them up in a buddy/mentor role with a younger or special needs student. The other child is thrilled at the attention, your child is mature in comparison and gains the feeling of success.
It is not easy to be the mother of a special needs child. But, as we say around here: we all have issues - just some of ours have fancy names!
Last edited by msm_teacher; 08-06-2010 at 02:55 PM..
domino, your response is annoying.... I didn`t say anything wrong but tryed to offer something that could possibly help. It helped this friends of mines child. But I guess according to you this couldn`t possibly help. And how would you even know this anyway? Does your child have adhd?
I can completely relate to your post--could have written every word. I just read a wonderful book: "It's So Much Work To Be Your Friend"---it was depressing in a way--because it documented all the ways that ADHD children struggle to fit in. However, it gave me great ideas and insights that I have put into work.
Since then we've employed a family therapist, and are looking to enroll her in a social skills group. There is also something called "lunch bunch" at school--you may look into that....
Start with the book--though--so much good stuff in that book and too long to share here.
Make opportunities for her to meet other kids - sports, gymnastics, karate, etc. Widen her circle of potential playmates. This might also allow her to meet slightly younger kids, and maybe find a friend there.
Practice with her what to do if a guest wants to play w/ a toy, etc. Role play - have her be the friend and you be in her role. Help her figure out how to react ahead of time.
Does your school counselor have a social skills group?
these are great suggestions.
social skills group might require her to have an iep or at least 504 plan. does she? many schools also offer several little "group classes" done by the counselors that could be benificial. most of them have anywhere from 5-15 kids and can be about stuff like making friends, bullying, controlling your feelings, etc.
If she is active something like karate (anything coed) could be great because it will help with impulse control, and othere stuff. since it is coed and different age groups she could find herself good friends with a boy also. they tend to mature slower.
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