Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The worst part is that we really like the school in other regards--what my son is learning, the progress he has made, lots of individual attention. We switched to this school, so we cannot switch again.
And yes, I see what you mean....when my son tries to get some distance from the other boy (what he tells me is that he would like to be friends with the other boy but with other kids also)...the other boy gets all in his face like "What did I do? Why aren't we friends? What is wrong with you?" and won't leave my son alone.
This to me sounds like the boy truly does not understand. typically a person with aspergers need explanations (they have a hard time with the "cues"). they need to be precise to the point explanations. It would be work for you but maybe you can find out if the school offers social skills classes and write a letter to the counselor and maybe asst princ. explaining what is going on and ask for them to consider putting this child in them. (although the parent would need to agree)
In a perfect world.....
If this boy really thinks your son is being mean. you could do this. you need someone who is familiar with dealing with asd. or the counsel if that is your only choice. with the adult they can work on conflict resolution. You son has to be VERY direct but not insulting or mean. I'm not friends with you because you do....... I walked away because....... If you did..... I would like to be your friend and I will try not to.......
sounds simple enough, but I have found it is not as easy as it sounds to always talk like that. Let your son know too that this boy most likely remembers everything that has been said to him. He won't forget if your son says I wont walk away from you anymore, and then walks away 6 months later.
I'd also try putting it back on the school. Their solution was to separate the boys, but that's not working, so what are they going to do now? We had a child in my daughter's 4th grade class who clearly needed help he wasn't getting. He was disruptive, dumping desks, tearing things off the walls, etc. When the parents found out about this, we called for a meeting with the principal. I had been coached by my daughter's tutor, who was also a public school teacher, to ask what they intended to do about the disruptive behavior that was impeding everyone else's learning. You're not the professionals, they are, so they should have more than one solution to try. Good luck. I know how much situations like this suck.
You son has to be VERY direct but not insulting or mean. I'm not friends with you because you do....... I walked away because....... If you did..... I would like to be your friend and I will try not to.......
This might work with "normal" kids but it probably won't work in this situation IMO. When my daughter was younger I answered the same question over and over and over: same question, same answer. That hyperfocusing is part of Asperger's. I also think it's a lot to ask of the OP's son, who is only 8.
This might work with "normal" kids but it probably won't work in this situation IMO. When my daughter was younger I answered the same question over and over and over: same question, same answer. That hyperfocusing is part of Asperger's. I also think it's a lot to ask of the OP's son, who is only 8.
I figured this is only a good idea under supervision and IF the op and her son want to try and befriend this child. also the degree of aspergers, and whether of not the child wants friends. "Normal" kids don't typically need you to be that direct. they would typically just need a "If you weren't mean and annoying I wouldn't walk away from you".
I did forget to mention the hyper focusing and the need for repetitive reminders.
"remember when we talked about you not doing......., well you are doing that and I don't like it." "I'm not being mean, but when you do ..... it bothers me and everyone else"
IMO a child is never to young to teach that there are many different types of people in this world and we have to learn to get along with all. doesn't mean you have to be someones friend, but get along. I had this opinion way before I had children.
So this last week has been a little better--my son has not been complaining so much. But something happened yesterday that really gave me pause.
The kids had their Christmas program--lots of group songs and individual lines. After the program, I was hugging my son, and the *other* boy came up to my son and said "I couldn't concentrate because you put probes in my brain". It was very noisy and I was trying to figure out what this kid was talking about. My son said "stop" very clearly, once, then twice, then three times, but each time the other boy kept saying "you put probes in my brain and it made me mess up".
Now my son and this other boy weren't even standing by each other. My son got to school and went to his place and did not even talk to the other boy.
I said to the boy, "what are you talking about?" and he repeated about the probes. I said, "you know what, Merry Christmas", and took my son and walked away.
My son said 2 days ago they were playing "probes" (sounds like something out of an Aliens movie). I said, are they real or pretend? And my son said "pretend; there's no such thing".
But it seemed like the other boy thought they were real. Just by the way he was very insistant on the fact that my son put probes in his brain. He sought my son out to tell him about this and would not let it go.
Is this something that an Asperger's person would do, or are we dealing with a different kind of problem?
Only my thoughts--it could be the Aspie boy's most recent association with your son is the Probes game and that's what he thought to talk to your son about. That environment sounds like an Aspies' worst nightmare; crowded, loud, attention focused on him/class as they sing. He may have latched on to your son because it felt familiar and he remembered they played that game together.
The probe thing.... that MAY be a refernece to a game or movie, but alll ASDers I have known are very logical, analytical. They act out movies and games at inappropriate times, but none have accused of probes, thought implatations or being controled by another person. This behavior doesn't scream ASD to me. Again, this is with the experience with several ASDers as well as my son. ASD is very singular with how it manefests in each individual.
That being said, you can't change the other child, but you can teach your child critical skills for dealing with people like this child. When he is accused of being mean, your son can come back with "You are entitled to your opinion, I do not think I am mean, but you can if you want to". This takes the 'power' of the slander away. With my son (he was being bullied, being called a wimp) we role played with verbal comebacks for the attacks he was being assaulted with. It was not easy for my son (10 at the time) to work up the courage to stand up to this boy. It took practice with his father and I to coach him on vocalization and tone (monotone is common with ASDers) so that he would come off as stronger than he was. We talked tot he school, the teachers recognized the bullying and they 'talked' to the boy, his parents and to the class as a whole. (eyeroll). It did get better, but it never truely went away.
Found out that a boy my son has been having trouble with at school has Asperger's. The other boy is 9; my son is 8. I do not plan on saying "Oh the other kid has such and such..."
I'm curious, why not?
As far as the probe thing, I think he may really believe that this is possible. He may know how to try and control and manipulate, but he doesn't really have what it takes to take it too far, obviously. There is, in my observation, a heightened level of naivete among those with Aspergers. It explains why he thinks everyone is mean to him. This is his reality. I completely understand your son's frustration, and yours. But I also know where that boy is. It sounds like his parents aren't helping much and, as such, it will be difficult for him to make friends all the way around.
I agree with emailvassaly. These parents can be the biggest contributors to the problem. However, society also contributes when they treat it like it is something that shouldn't be discussed, something to be ashamed or afraid of. I don't advertise it, but I let those around me know about it. I don't use it as an excuse, but a way to educate those who don't understand my son's quirks. There are people who will get it and accommodate and others who won't. But this is true for everyone, neurotypical or not. I will never use it as a crutch, but knowledge is power.
I think it would do you and your family a great deal of good to continue asking questions and do some research of your own. That way your son will know not to take it so personally.
Perseveration can definitely be a hallmark of ASDs. But it can also indicate different disorders and issues, as well.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
