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My 21 year old son has been living in California with his dad for the last 8 years. Before that, he lived with me for 13 years (10 of those by myself). I have been living in North Carolina the last 8 years. My son was visiting every summer then he started doing more activities through the Special Olympics and then started working so now he is here visiting for the first time in 3 years.
Before we moved to NC, my son was doing great! His teachers and therapists were all sure he was going to graduate from high school, go to college and have a successfull independent life. 8 years later, he is a different person. He seems to be in a dark place with extreme anxiety. He is having panic attacks and shows some very subtle signs of rage. Something I have NEVER seen before with him.
His dad calls him several times a day to ask if he is showering propery, if he is flossing, if he is brushing his teeth twice a day. Its an obsession. I can sit and watch the anxiety level in my son go up. His dad is more worried about hygiene than about making sure my son has an education so he can be somewhat self sufficient.
Now it is time to send my son home to his dad's house in California. I am a mess. My son and I have had MANY talks about him living here and he refuses. Because at his dad's house, he doesnt have to do anything. He sits around and plays video games and stays isolated.
So my worry is what happens if/when his dad and/or I pass. Can we get joint conservatorship? Any advice is well appreciated. Thanks for listening.
My 21 year old son has been living in California with his dad for the last 8 years. Before that, he lived with me for 13 years (10 of those by myself). I have been living in North Carolina the last 8 years. My son was visiting every summer then he started doing more activities through the Special Olympics and then started working so now he is here visiting for the first time in 3 years.
Before we moved to NC, my son was doing great! His teachers and therapists were all sure he was going to graduate from high school, go to college and have a successfull independent life. 8 years later, he is a different person. He seems to be in a dark place with extreme anxiety. He is having panic attacks and shows some very subtle signs of rage. Something I have NEVER seen before with him.
His dad calls him several times a day to ask if he is showering propery, if he is flossing, if he is brushing his teeth twice a day. Its an obsession. I can sit and watch the anxiety level in my son go up. His dad is more worried about hygiene than about making sure my son has an education so he can be somewhat self sufficient.
Now it is time to send my son home to his dad's house in California. I am a mess. My son and I have had MANY talks about him living here and he refuses. Because at his dad's house, he doesnt have to do anything. He sits around and plays video games and stays isolated.
So my worry is what happens if/when his dad and/or I pass. Can we get joint conservatorship? Any advice is well appreciated. Thanks for listening.
A few questions. Your son is 21. Did he graduate from high school or not? Is he planning on going to college?
While a lot can change in a few years, it seems odd that your son was able to handle grooming and hygiene as a 13 year old be needs reminders as a 21 year old? Frankly, I do not know how disabled an adult has to be before they lose their rights to be independent. If his teachers (at age 13) felt that he would be able to attend college and be self-sufficient as an adult I would wonder if he would qualify to have a "conservator" (or whatever).
Who is supporting your son? Does he earn enough on his job to have his own apartment, pay for his own utilities, buy his own food, etc.? Does you ex-husband expect that your son will live at home forever?
A few questions. Your son is 21. Did he graduate from high school or not? Is he planning on going to college?
While a lot can change in a few years, it seems odd that your son was able to handle grooming and hygiene as a 13 year old be needs reminders as a 21 year old? Frankly, I do not know how disabled an adult has to be before they lose their rights to be independent. If his teachers (at age 13) felt that he would be able to attend college and be self-sufficient as an adult I would wonder if he would qualify to have a "conservator" (or whatever).
Who is supporting your son? Does he earn enough on his job to have his own apartment, pay for his own utilities, buy his own food, etc.? Does you ex-husband expect that your son will live at home forever?
Is his father autistic, too?
He did graduate from high school then took one class at the community college then stopped going. He lives with his dad and his dad does not communicate with me about what is going on. I do believe that right now he cannot support himself in any capacity. His father does everything for him and I mean EVERYTHING. He flosses his teeth, he helps him bathe, and then he leaves him in isolation - meaning alone in his room playing video games. My son does have a part time job and is able to take the bus to and from work. He works at a plant building boxes. But then he comes home and is helpless.
He was thriving when he was younger. Im crushed that he is like this now.
Oh...his father is not autistic...he is something but I cant say here.
He did graduate from high school then took one class at the community college then stopped going. He lives with his dad and his dad does not communicate with me about what is going on. I do believe that right now he cannot support himself in any capacity.
His father does everything for him and I mean EVERYTHING. He flosses his teeth, he helps him bathe, and then he leaves him in isolation - meaning alone in his room playing video games. My son does have a part time job and is able to take the bus to and from work. He works at a plant building boxes. But then he comes home and is helpless.
He was thriving when he was younger. Im crushed that he is like this now.
Oh...his father is not autistic...he is something but I cant say here.
I really don't know what to say. Perhaps, others with more experience in this matter can help you.
I don't know the correct terminology but is your son considered a "legally competent adult" or does he have a legal guardian such as your ex-husband or a social worker or state appointed guardian making decisions for him? If your son needs a guardian perhaps he is not as high functioning as you believe that he is.
Frankly, I have worked with severely and profoundly cognitively delayed teenagers who were able to floss their own teeth and take a bath by themselves (perhaps with assistance or cueing). Is his dad actually flossing his teeth or washing him in the bath/shower or just reminding him to do those things?
Something seems very wrong. Were you getting copies of his IEP, evaluations and regular updates from histeachers over the past few years? It would seem like a teenager who was that dependent on his father for self-care would send up huge red flags to his teachers. Did they ever refer the father to CPS because of his parenting?
Do you feel that this is serious enough to considered abuse and/or neglect? If yes, you can always talk to the police about this matter and ask for their advice. Or you can contact the local Disability Services in your son's area.
Good luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-02-2016 at 02:52 PM..
The other thing - BPD and / or depression are often comorbid with ASD. It's easy to understand why. Today's world is challenging for NTs. For ASD folks it can be a nightmare.
I believe in independent living for adults with disabilities. That is because as parents we can't always be there. We might die or something, in fact we will. There has to be a support system in place.
I live in California and my son is Autistic and he lives independently but he has a little help. I don't know what he qualifies for but we have Regional Centers for people with developmental disabilities. They act as go-betweens for providing services. He would have to qualify. We have rarely used them but on occasion we have.
As far as playing video games and using the computer too much, that goes with the territory. These kids don't have as many options and they relate better to video games and computers then they do to real life. You can't force them into a round hole if they are a square peg.
My son goes to school because he likes it and he just got a 'real' job. He likes to keep busy. It is likely that your son would benefit from having a fuller schedule. Everybody needs purpose.
The other thing - BPD and / or depression are often comorbid with ASD. It's easy to understand why. Today's world is challenging for NTs. For ASD folks it can be a nightmare.
I assume you are referring to bipolar depression - "BPD" is generally used to refer to borderline personality disorder, a very different disease that is not often associated with ASD.
I assume you are referring to bipolar depression - "BPD" is generally used to refer to borderline personality disorder, a very different disease that is not often associated with ASD.
His dad calls him several times a day to ask if he is showering propery, if he is flossing, if he is brushing his teeth twice a day. Its an obsession. I can sit and watch the anxiety level in my son go up. His dad is more worried about hygiene than about making sure my son has an education so he can be somewhat self sufficient.
If his father is calling him several times a day inquiring about hygiene it could be causing your son anxiety and stressing him out
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