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I agree with the others about selling what you can - but if you want to work, I think you have to consider places like nursing homes and assisted living which are often overlooked by other job seekers. Your mother gives you experience in that area, often they need patient and hospitable receptionists, activities coordinators, housekeepers, kitchen help.
It sounds like you would need mainly a desk job or job that doesn't require you to do much walking.
I've been applying to all those places. Being I've not worked in the medical field since I just got out of high school, it's not easy to try and get someone to let me in a door. Since I drove a school bus, I've found the Forrest Gump mentality with hiring people. Oh...you drove a school bus? Well, not many job skills to do that now is there. GRRRR. Let them try it. It shows I've got good time management skills, people skills, can handle stressful situations, can do paper work and the list grows. I went back as an adult to get my associates degree. That doesn't seem to count either. I was raising 3 kids when I did it too. I have my computer skills-but because I don't do it daily for pay-they consider you inexperienced. Although I use it quite a bit for volunteer work I've done-newletters, building Facebook page for our business, our website for DH's business. Nope-no experience there. I've even taught myself HTML a bit. Entry level I am being told isn't that anymore-it's junior level.
Everyone under the sun has talked to her. Even my Godmother who's almost 89! She told her she was being selfish and why does she want to deal with all the upkeep on a house when she's not able to do a darned thing. She was very persistent with her-but Mom wouldn't budge. It's not like there's family here either-all our relatives are in NC/VA-my parents relocated here back in the 50's to upstate NY for work. I am the only relative she's got-being the only child does make it rough too.
She's aware about all our problems. But as we've learned the older she gets, sometimes it's more about her and the rest of us be darned. Everyone tells me just to say tough-we are leaving Mom-sorry you couldn't decide to go with us. We'll make sure people watch over you(but that never happens even now for us to go away). It's SO frustrating!
Well you may have to tell her point blank I can no longer due to my health and financial situation continue to care for you unless we make some changes.
Old people can be like children and the roles reverse.( I am sure you know this). But you have to put your foot down.
Just to give you an example we have family who are also in their 80s and not in good health. MIL is currently in a rehab/nursing home after the most recent hospital visit( which required surgery).
She didn't want to go to the doctor or the ER, I said she doesn't have a choice. They ended up admitting her that night and she had surgery two days later.
Than she said she is going home after the hospital. NO YOU'RE NOT. She is the rehab/nursing home right now.
My point is you can't let the 80 something run the show and run everyone into the ground.
It may sound harsh, but doing everything their way takes it toll on the rest of the family. And trust me the more you do will never be enough.
Well you may have to tell her point blank I can no longer due to my health and financial situation continue to care for you unless we make some changes.
Old people can be like children and the roles reverse.( I am sure you know this). But you have to put your foot down.
Just to give you an example we have family who are also in their 80s and not in good health. MIL is currently in a rehab/nursing home after the most recent hospital visit( which required surgery).
She didn't want to go to the doctor or the ER, I said she doesn't have a choice. They ended up admitting her that night and she had surgery two days later.
Than she said she is going home after the hospital. NO YOU'RE NOT. She is the rehab/nursing home right now.
My point is you can't let the 80 something run the show and run everyone into the ground.
It may sound harsh, but doing everything their way takes it toll on the rest of the family. And trust me the more you do will never be enough.
Like a child you have to set up boundaries.
Oh don't I know this. She didn't want to go to the hospital after she fell off my step-6 inches-and turns out she broke her hip. It took 5 months til she could come home(she's a pack rat to make things even more fun for me). We've told her that we have to make a choice here soon. We've had others telling her that this isn't fair to keep us here. She says she's not. But let's face it. None of her family lives here-except us. All her friends are in the same boat-old, deceased or in nursing homes. No one would even look in on her if we did leave. That's what's frightening. Even the church she's a member of hasn't contacted her in years(not even when my Father passed in 96). Somedays I just want to bundle her into the car and say tough we are leaving now. It's been a stress on us since I started dating my DH-having only me to do all their outside work for a while-it's what caused us to build our home next door to them on property they had-it was too much to drive 25miles one way 4 nights a week when my Dad was alive.
Like we've told her-likely as not-she's going to end up with more care than no care the older she gets(she'll be 87 in Dec). At 44, somedays I feel like I am pushing 70 trying to make everyone happy and look for work. Headaches daily are the norm. Sigh.
Yes, sometimes you have to put your foot down and stop letting your parents dictate your life. If she isn't willing to give up her home, then tell her she's going to have to do some of the upkeep herself. tell her you'll turn over all the information about her finances to whomever she wants to hire to do that, but you aren't going to be involved in it anymore. Your obligation as a child is to love her, not to be her personal assistant. If your father's estate $ was left for your mother's care, then it should have been established in her name from the outset. Talk to an attorney or accountant about getting that fixed.
Owning a car or a house shouldn't make you ineligible for social security.
And if you were previously earning $18/hr, you shouldn't have to accept anything less than $14.50/hr under the 80% rule.
"Like we've told her-likely as not-she's going to end up with more care than no care the older she gets(she'll be 87 in Dec). At 44, somedays I feel like I am pushing 70 trying to make everyone happy and look for work. Headaches daily are the norm. Sigh."
You have to nip it in the bud. Cut down on the amount of time you're spending at her house. When she asks why, you tell her mom I don't have the time or the energy to continue helping you.
You may have to SCARE her into changing her thinking. Trust me I have gone down this road, you shouldn't feel like 70 at 44.
It took me awhile but I realized why should someone in their 50s be putting their health at risk for someone in their 80s? Yes we should take care of our elders but when it impacts your own health both physical and mental....you need to make changes.
Some caregivers(in their 40s and 50s) have ended up in the grave and the old person goes on. Unless someone has been in this boat they have no idea how stressful it can be.
I suggest you talk to an elder law attorney concerning your father's trust. Just because you are are trustee doesn't necessarily mean that its your asset. If it turns out that it still is considered to be your asset, then make Mom start spending down on it for her care. She may not like it, but that's why the trust is there.
I suggest you talk to an elder law attorney concerning your father's trust. Just because you are are trustee doesn't necessarily mean that its your asset. If it turns out that it still is considered to be your asset, then make Mom start spending down on it for her care. She may not like it, but that's why the trust is there.
That's what she is doing. It's only available to use at her discretion for her needs. I only sign checks as a trustee when it's tax time. NYS is the most screwed up state. I am also custodian on my kids accounts(set up by my parents when they were little) and my name is also on bonds(that aren't mature yet) as custodian. But NYS says those are my assets. No they are not. If I had a child who was an actor and they earned money from the work, I'd be custodian on the account. But laws are there to make sure parents don't spend that child's money. It should be the same thing with me being custodian. NYS wants me to spend their money to survive.
Today I got a email from a Dr's office I'd applied to. Out of the 52 applicants, I am one of the top 10 and waiting to hear about a phone interview this week. The job isn't opening til the end of Sept. I am so desperate at this point to pay the bills and food-it's scary being put into this spot. Not even when we first were married in our early 20's did we struggle as badly as we are now. I need this job SO bad.
Yes, sometimes you have to put your foot down and stop letting your parents dictate your life. If she isn't willing to give up her home, then tell her she's going to have to do some of the upkeep herself. tell her you'll turn over all the information about her finances to whomever she wants to hire to do that, but you aren't going to be involved in it anymore. Your obligation as a child is to love her, not to be her personal assistant. If your father's estate $ was left for your mother's care, then it should have been established in her name from the outset. Talk to an attorney or accountant about getting that fixed.
Owning a car or a house shouldn't make you ineligible for social security.
And if you were previously earning $18/hr, you shouldn't have to accept anything less than $14.50/hr under the 80% rule.
We've been talking about these things all along. I was put on as trustee because my kids at the time of my Father's passing were very small. So if my Mom passed too-I was already set up to continue with it. It states it's for her care-it's NYS that says otherwise for social services. I think they are smoking something personally. If I apply for services, because we do own those things-they can put a lien on my house-which is baloney IMHO. I'd be darned after working hard to pay it off really early, let NYS get their hands on my biggest asset. I'll sell and leave here first.
And the wages-my $18.63hr was part time-I drove a school bus for 25 hours per week. NYS unemployment doesn't recognize I only worked part time. It's based on earnings in a quarter. So because of that-I am forced to accept ANY job that's minimum wage. Because full time minimum wage equals to what I made part time for 25hrs. But not one job I've interviewed for at that rate has benefits-so I loose no matter what happens. That's not right at all. I HATE that this all happened and now NYS is telling ME what I have to do for work and what I have to accept. It's a living nightmare.
I should be able to get disability. NYS need to change the rules that school districts are exempt-that's what fuels your taxes being high. Because of no disability-they earn the sick time to cover injuries or sickness such as breast cancer. And if you can't go back in a year to that position-say you've lost a leg in an accident-your out of luck and they terminate you. They don't have to give you a job your physical able to do-no ADA compliance. So like me, I get to join the ranks finding work because I am no longer to certify to drive a school bus because my ankle doesn't move. Joy.
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If I apply for services, because we do own those things-they can put a lien on my house-which is baloney IMHO. I'd be darned after working hard to pay it off really early, let NYS get their hands on my biggest asset. I'll sell and leave here first.
