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I know. And my boss was all "it was only 2 people, so I just want to nip it now and give him constructive criticism" short of stomping around the office screaming "but I don't know what to talk to him about" I got no info. I tried asking. I was told I am not supposed to make him feel bad, just offer constructive criticism...ABOUT WHAT???? LOL
So, that's why I am here...what do you guys consider condescending? I mean, all this time I thought it was a little like porn, you know it when you see it. And, I have not seen it.
I really think it was the guy with the pre-exisiting chip on his shoulder, but as I am not sure, I have no idea where to go....
The manager/boss mis-handled this. He/She should not have dumped it on you. In fact, by doing this - they are escalating it. Constructive criticism? That should not be done by proxy. The manager should have told those two to handle it themselves first. By not doing so, it in essence is fostering a "tattling" environment. If you don't like something, just whine, and someone else will handle it for you. Next thing you know, you have a bunch of 3rd graders running around.
If I have an "issue" with someone, I need to man up and address it myself first. For one, just telling someone to be less <insert trait here> without any examples is worthless. And to use condescending as an example, everyone see that differently to a degree (hence you asking what it means to others). Someone that talks a bit louder than others may be considered condescending. More often than not, it's more of a misunderstanding.
My suggestion would be to tell those two to address first by talking to the new guy. This way, if they are just looking for reasons to complain, it does nip it. They always have the opportunity to escalate the situation if the new guy IS making life hard on everyone. At this point, its more of an interpersonal issue rather than a HR issue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND
Here's what I would do.
Rather than single out this new guy. I would have a couple of mandatory training sessions.
Ex: one of the typical work/sexual harassment issues, one on attitude....Or skip harassment and discuss "How to professionally complain at work" Because, seriously, the complainers should have come to you HR....
Have condescending be part of a whole list of things that people may do in a work atmosphere re: their attitudes.
Have all the employees attend, together...This sits up a discussion...And an awareness. Make up examples of the things on the list, pick condescending as a lead example....have the participants discuss this w/ their providing examples etc...
This doesn't single out the new guy, or the complainers. I think this is the fairest way, since your boss has cut your legs off w/ no examples and your not having even the opportunity to discuss w/ the complainers.
So, put them all in a group situation, learning the same things about the same issues. Voila...You've addressed the problem in a very professional manner.
End of the meeting have everyone sign off, verifying the training...So, if you get complaints...you have their signatures.
This is imo the best way...
This also has its drawbacks in that you're not directing the action to anyone - so you're hoping that the offender will actually realize that "oh yea, I do that", and actually make the effort to improve. Which isn't always the case. What often happens is that the offender doesn't realize or don't really care, and nothing changes. In addition, you end up basically punishing everyone because of a bad apple. "Great, we all have to sit through this BS because what so and so did/said".
I know if my boss wanted to talk to me "how are you doing how are you fitting in?" Fine...."Are you having and issues or problems?"..... I'd say "no"
In a case like this ...IF the WORKER doesn't bring something up... and the HR person/boss out of the blue starts talking about not being condescending or interpersonal communications in the office, the employee certainly would know something is up.....someone said something.
Because that would be my first question in return, "Has someone said that I am?, or had a comment about me?"
THEN AND THERE: The HR person either has to lie (and say no)...or tell the truth.
If she lies, the employee won't believe her, because you don't bring that up unless someone HAS said something.
If she tells the truth, and he asks about what this is all about -- ShE can't says because she doesn't know.
That right there makes an employee feel accused with no way to respond...let's see: someone said something, you can't tell me who, OR what, OR when....that is BS.
Now you've possibly ticked the worker off, or changed his attitude about how the company would handle an issue, IF THERE EVER REALLY WAS ONE in the future.
Sounds like people need to grow up. It's interesting that the big boss who put this on Bunny, has made an error in how to handle this from the start. Not something that instills confidence in managment.
I have been given the task in my office to talk to the new guy and let him know that a couple co-workers find him condescending. I am not sure how many or if the "couple" is really 2 or isolated incidents with the same person...
There was also a throw in about him being found to be somewhat cynical...but I can figure out how to coach that easily enough...keep the dry comments to himself. If he stops the "cynical" comments, will this help with the perception of condescending attitude?
We have a pretty big office, but about 20 of us are tucked in the area in the back where it gets noisy. Apparently this person comes across as condescending in conversations with coworkers in this area. I was not given any feedback that any interactions with him in other areas are an issue, just in our small group. I am wondering if maybe he is trying to compensate for the issue by being louder than he needs to be? I am sort of grasping at straws as while I work with him daily, I haven't noticed the issue yet I am supposed to coach him.
I want to be effective in the coaching as at this point it is not going to have any formal documentation with it...it really was more of the boss going through, seeing where he thinks things may be able to be improved, and acting on it.
I guess my questions are as follows...
When someone is being "condescending" what are they doing? How are they speaking? Are they using a lot of words? Explaining more or less than they should be?
Any thoughts would be great as I know what I think is condescending, and this person is not doing any of the things I see as condescending, at least not that I have noticed.
Thanks in advance....
Are we sure he actually IS condescending or is someone being a little sensitive? You say you haven't noticed it, and you work in that area, is why I ask.
What are some examples of what he's said that is considered, "condescending"? Is it WHAT he's saying or how he says them? If it's the former, you can give him examples of other ways to say things. If it's the latter, maybe a little perception is off. Lord knows some people perceive things that are not there.
I'm a bit biased, admittedly, because of recent events but I've always thought that whenever there is a complaint about "the new guy", it's not necessarily what people are complaining about. They just always seem to dislike "the new guy" for various reasons. Some of those reasons could be false rumors spread around, ("They are going to fire someone, that's why he's here!" You can hear that in almost any place, USA.), they are jealous of what he does know, he is simply being social and some who feel inferior take his discussion of his accomplishments as threats and decide that he is condescending, it could be they just don't like the way he looks.
Before I coach anyone on anything, I would find out exactly WHAT the accusers are talking about. I don't take a whole lot of stock in, "he said, she said", because some people are vindictive.
Yes, he could very well BE condescending but you still need some kind of proof. Someone just saying he is doesn't mean he is nor is it good evidence.
THAT is why you are having a hard time figuring out what to do. You were just told he's condescending without anything to back it up.
I'm guessing that you should report back to your boss that the people who actually need the coaching are the "two", (seriously, has anyone else noticed that it's ALWAYS two? It's never one, nor three, not four...it's ALWAYS, "two". You know what that says to me? BULL Sh**!), who did the whining...er complaining. Maybe THEY need to be sat down and coached on how to get the hell over themselves and stop taking everything so personally...oh, and GET TO WORK, stop wasting everyone's time by complaining over trivial crap. See what he says.
I know if my boss wanted to talk to me "how are you doing how are you fitting in?" Fine...."Are you having and issues or problems?"..... I'd say "no"
In a case like this ...IF the WORKER doesn't bring something up... and the HR person/boss out of the blue starts talking about not being condescending or interpersonal communications in the office, the employee certainly would know something is up.....someone said something.
Because that would be my first question in return, "Has someone said that I am?, or had a comment about me?"
THEN AND THERE: The HR person either has to lie (and say no)...or tell the truth.
If she lies, the employee won't believe her, because you don't bring that up unless someone HAS said something.
If she tells the truth, and he asks about what this is all about -- ShE can't says because she doesn't know.
That right there makes an employee feel accused with no way to respond...let's see: someone said something, you can't tell me who, OR what, OR when....that is BS.
Now you've possibly ticked the worker off, or changed his attitude about how the company would handle an issue, IF THERE EVER REALLY WAS ONE in the future.
Sounds like people need to grow up. It's interesting that the big boss who put this on Bunny, has made an error in how to handle this from the start. Not something that instills confidence in managment.
Thanks for the support. I am going to post an update in a sec....
Are we sure he actually IS condescending or is someone being a little sensitive? You say you haven't noticed it, and you work in that area, is why I ask.
What are some examples of what he's said that is considered, "condescending"? Is it WHAT he's saying or how he says them? If it's the former, you can give him examples of other ways to say things. If it's the latter, maybe a little perception is off. Lord knows some people perceive things that are not there.
I'm a bit biased, admittedly, because of recent events but I've always thought that whenever there is a complaint about "the new guy", it's not necessarily what people are complaining about. They just always seem to dislike "the new guy" for various reasons. Some of those reasons could be false rumors spread around, ("They are going to fire someone, that's why he's here!" You can hear that in almost any place, USA.), they are jealous of what he does know, he is simply being social and some who feel inferior take his discussion of his accomplishments as threats and decide that he is condescending, it could be they just don't like the way he looks.
Before I coach anyone on anything, I would find out exactly WHAT the accusers are talking about. I don't take a whole lot of stock in, "he said, she said", because some people are vindictive.
Yes, he could very well BE condescending but you still need some kind of proof. Someone just saying he is doesn't mean he is nor is it good evidence.
THAT is why you are having a hard time figuring out what to do. You were just told he's condescending without anything to back it up.
I'm guessing that you should report back to your boss that the people who actually need the coaching are the "two", (seriously, has anyone else noticed that it's ALWAYS two? It's never one, nor three, not four...it's ALWAYS, "two". You know what that says to me? BULL Sh**!), who did the whining...er complaining. Maybe THEY need to be sat down and coached on how to get the hell over themselves and stop taking everything so personally...oh, and GET TO WORK, stop wasting everyone's time by complaining over trivial crap. See what he says.
Actually took him out to lunch. I intend to expense this as it is within what I am allowed to expense and darn it, if I had to deal with it, someone else was going to have to pay.
Anyway, we chatted and talked about the different areas that he was dealing with and what he thought and he totally knew and before I said a word commented about 2 guys in the department who have been intent on making his life hell. We discussed ways to deal with the jerks and I think the conversation went well enough. I am sure the new guy was no more pleased to be having the conversation than I was...but it could have gone worse.
After lunch, as I was able to get names from new guy, I got the boss to admit that it was the same 2 who complained about the new guy. I told my boss that if anyone takes those 2 out to lunch to deal with their side of the issues that it was his turn.
Actually took him out to lunch. I intend to expense this as it is within what I am allowed to expense and darn it, if I had to deal with it, someone else was going to have to pay.
Anyway, we chatted and talked about the different areas that he was dealing with and what he thought and he totally knew and before I said a word commented about 2 guys in the department who have been intent on making his life hell. We discussed ways to deal with the jerks and I think the conversation went well enough. I am sure the new guy was no more pleased to be having the conversation than I was...but it could have gone worse.
After lunch, as I was able to get names from new guy, I got the boss to admit that it was the same 2 who complained about the new guy. I told my boss that if anyone takes those 2 out to lunch to deal with their side of the issues that it was his turn.
Shocker. I know I nailed it...this kind of crap is not just for women, men are some big, fat, whiny babies as well. (Ask me how I know...airboat captain...mostly all guys...whining at the levels I have never seen before...would make a two year old stand up in awe...)
I love your idea of making it a business lunch. Brilliant!
Thanks. The business lunch was all I had. Worked best for me. And it seems that it worked out the best it could have for everyone.
No idea if the child men are going to continue making the life of the new guy difficult.
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