Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well that's the idea, I just want to bring her and have them figure it out. I just wasn't sure how it would look to my co-workers since I haven't mentioned anything, or if it even matters. Everyone talks about their husbands and wives all the time and I never mention her. Just don't want it to be awkward.
It would be awkward...Your family loves you...your co-workers will judge you. Why put her through that.....or yourself for that matter. You owe them no explanation....if it doesn't affect your being able to do your job...leave it alone.
You don’t “owe” them information, but if you show up with your partner at the holiday party you’re giving them a lot of information. I’m gay as well and if I wanted to attend a holiday party, I would come out slowly and discreetly beforehand. Walking into a party pregnant and with a same-sex partner is a very dramatic gesture. Even if your co-workers are fine with your sexuality, coming out in such a manner will elicit a lot of comment.
I hate to say this....but your instincts to keep quiet are what you should listen to. I personally wouldn't have issues w/ someone else's orientation..but there are so many folks that still do...It would effect many things imo regarding your job...It might not be blatant...but it would still be there. I have never enjoyed the politics at a work place..there are so many variables.
Personally, I have always been selective about sharing my personal life period..at work...and I'm an average hetero female....It just isn't anyone's business at your job, period.
The cultural norms support heterosexuality by default and you benefit by this. Almost everybody makes occasional casual references to their personal life, even if it is a minor thing like "we are going on vacation". OP is pregnant, and this inevitably leads to questions. Yes, you can avoid, but that has a cost as well, as you then are deemed to be aloof and distant.
Imagine the burden if you had to be very careful at all times to hide a huge portion of your life. Yes, there is some risk involved, but imagine the psychological cost of living a hidden life. The OP seems interested in declaring her partner to be an important part of her life, is most likely well aware of the risks, and the company seems tolerant.
I agree that you don't need to tell anything. Even when you are pregnant, all your co-workers need to know is YOU decided to have a baby. Period. But that's very hard to do. People are nosy even when they are not judgmental. But I would "stand my ground" on keeping my privacy based on my personal experience, even though in the end mine turned out OK. I was almost fired from a job once because of my political affiliation. I never participated in political discussions at work but in my free time I volunteered for several political candidates and held an office with a political party's local club. My boss found out and tried to get me fired because she was of the opposing party. We're just talking R & D here, I'm not an anarchist. But she was so entrenched in her beliefs she thought I "owed" my vote to the political party she believed better aided the work of our corporation.
I was rescued by Human Resources. They told her I had an excellent record with the company and they couldn't give me a raise for my achievements one year and then fire me without cause a year later. As I said, it turned out OK in the end (I was allowed to transfer to a different department that was a boon to me in the long run) but it was scary and disruptive to have to deal with such a controversy when I liked and needed my job.
I feel for you and think your situation is the PERFECT example of why LGBT Americans need legal protection in the workplace. You should be enjoying your pregnancy and not experiencing this kind of fear and stress at a time in your life when you should be happy. But based on my experience, I'd avoid the Christmas party and showing photos of the happy family. Congratulations on the baby and best of luck to you.
The cultural norms support heterosexuality by default and you benefit by this. Almost everybody makes occasional casual references to their personal life, even if it is a minor thing like "we are going on vacation". OP is pregnant, and this inevitably leads to questions. Yes, you can avoid, but that has a cost as well, as you then are deemed to be aloof and distant.
Imagine the burden if you had to be very careful at all times to hide a huge portion of your life. Yes, there is some risk involved, but imagine the psychological cost of living a hidden life. The OP seems interested in declaring her partner to be an important part of her life, is most likely well aware of the risks, and the company seems tolerant.
Wow. I think the OP needs this pep talk, not the sympathetic hetero-normative posters here, trying to be helpful from a HETERO point of view. Which I assume statistically the OP knew she was going to get when soliciting.
If she were the type of person to be living out from day one everywhere, she would have done so from day one at this job. Or at least in the past five months.
Not everyone is comfortable being "the different one" until they have other secure bonds, which, obviously this employee hasn't established yet.
The question "is it wrong to bring her" says it all. IMO. Just because someone tells people to keep their orientation a secret doesn't mean that people WILL if it's not natural. Then there's the entire matter of planning a pregnancy (I assume) knowing you were in Florida where you feel it's going to be a "issue" at a NEW job?
And that doesn't even go to the question of the partner and how SHE may respond in a situation like this. Legal protection in the workplace isn't even the issue, IMO. It's the fact that the OP seems inexperienced in dealing with this type of situation and has to find her way. You can't make someone a trailblazer before their time. It's just not fair.
If I'm wrong, OP, I'm happy to be so. So make your announcement NOW. Don't wait till you walk into the party.
Long story short, I'm gay, moved to Florida 4 years ago. One of the things I was told was not to reveal my sexual orientation at work as much as I can because the state doesn't have laws on the books offering protections like my home state of CT did. I never said anything and was never really asked. It seems to me that if you're not married people just assume you are single. I would have disclosed it if asked, but no one really asked anything in anyway that would have allowed me that opportunity.
I am now pregnant. I told my boss and HR. I could tell the boss was a little perplexed, but couldn't ask anything. I told another co-worker, she didn't seem phased that I never talk about a husband or partner. One other girl does know, she's from Jersey, so I felt comfortable with her.
Anyway, I've been here 5 months or so, it's a small company and I feel comfortable here now and I do feel like I'm hiding something, which I don't really like. On the other hand, I don't want to "shove" it down anyone's throat either - we have a few right wing conservatives here, including my boss.
Besides the pregnancy, the company is having a Holiday party in a few weeks and spouses/partners are invited and encouraged to come. From what I've heard it's a really laid back party. I want to bring my GF, but a part of me feels like I'm being a hypocrite - I won't tell people, but I'll bring her to the party. The other part of me feels that none of anything was anyone's business up to this point, and by bringing my GF to the party I'm basically coming out to them in a subtle way.
I know there is another woman that works here and everyone knows she has a partner, so I'm not worried about being fired or being treated differently. I just wish I had the guts to come out with it in the beginning, but I had my reasons.
Any thoughts? Would I be in the wrong if I bring her? Does it matter? Would you be offended or put off if your subordinate or co-worker didn't' tell you?
You owe them nothing. I'd keep anything that might be thought of by anyone as sensitive, to myself.
Let other people reveal what they want. Protect yourself. That's all.
Wow. I think the OP needs this pep talk, not the sympathetic hetero-normative posters here, trying to be helpful from a HETERO point of view. Which I assume statistically the OP knew she was going to get when soliciting.
If she were the type of person to be living out from day one everywhere, she would have done so from day one at this job. Or at least in the past five months.
Not everyone is comfortable being "the different one" until they have other secure bonds, which, obviously this employee hasn't established yet.
The question "is it wrong to bring her" says it all. IMO. Just because someone tells people to keep their orientation a secret doesn't mean that people WILL if it's not natural. Then there's the entire matter of planning a pregnancy (I assume) knowing you were in Florida where you feel it's going to be a "issue" at a NEW job?
And that doesn't even go to the question of the partner and how SHE may respond in a situation like this. Legal protection in the workplace isn't even the issue, IMO. It's the fact that the OP seems inexperienced in dealing with this type of situation and has to find her way. You can't make someone a trailblazer before their time. It's just not fair.
If I'm wrong, OP, I'm happy to be so. So make your announcement NOW. Don't wait till you walk into the party.
I am afraid you misunderstood me.
My comment was directed to JanND, who was advocating silence. KJan is the person who benefitted from hetero cultural norms.
To be clear, I think that the OP is negatively impacted by cultural norms, and I advocate coming out if she deems it to be safe.
Long story short, I'm gay, moved to Florida 4 years ago. One of the things I was told was not to reveal my sexual orientation at work as much as I can because the state doesn't have laws on the books offering protections like my home state of CT did. I never said anything and was never really asked. It seems to me that if you're not married people just assume you are single. I would have disclosed it if asked, but no one really asked anything in anyway that would have allowed me that opportunity.
I am now pregnant. I told my boss and HR. I could tell the boss was a little perplexed, but couldn't ask anything. I told another co-worker, she didn't seem phased that I never talk about a husband or partner. One other girl does know, she's from Jersey, so I felt comfortable with her.
Anyway, I've been here 5 months or so, it's a small company and I feel comfortable here now and I do feel like I'm hiding something, which I don't really like. On the other hand, I don't want to "shove" it down anyone's throat either - we have a few right wing conservatives here, including my boss.
Besides the pregnancy, the company is having a Holiday party in a few weeks and spouses/partners are invited and encouraged to come. From what I've heard it's a really laid back party. I want to bring my GF, but a part of me feels like I'm being a hypocrite - I won't tell people, but I'll bring her to the party. The other part of me feels that none of anything was anyone's business up to this point, and by bringing my GF to the party I'm basically coming out to them in a subtle way.
I know there is another woman that works here and everyone knows she has a partner, so I'm not worried about being fired or being treated differently. I just wish I had the guts to come out with it in the beginning, but I had my reasons.
Any thoughts? Would I be in the wrong if I bring her? Does it matter? Would you be offended or put off if your subordinate or co-worker didn't' tell you?
First of all, as a "Right wing Republican", and speaking for many others like me: We really don't care what your sexual orientation is. I'm not sure why people continue to think Republicans are afraid of gay people, it's not even close to being the truth.
Second, you don't have to tell them anything. Your personal life is your business, it is not up for other people to talk about, gossip about, or question. It's your life. You reveal what you want to reveal, and you keep to yourself what you want to keep to yourself. It's not a "secret", it's simply none of their business.
Third, I've lived in FL, you are not going to be fired because you are gay. Where on earth are you getting your information?
If you want to bring your partner, bring your partner. No, I would not be offended. Do not take this the wrong way, but what you do in your personal life really is not that important to me. You seem to think that everyone is dying to know everything about you, and that if you don't tell them, they run out of the party in hysterics.
They don't care.
You are the only one putting all of this pressure on yourself. People are typically far too wrapped up in their own lives to care what you do. Take your partner, go to the party, and watch how no one gives a crap.
By the way, the fact that your boss does not talk politics at work has nothing to do with being "progressive", it's called respect, for himself, and for everyone at work. Big difference.
Thanks everyone. There are a lot of helpful view points here.
I'm not a very open person to people I don't really know or deal with. When it comes to co-workers, I think the less the better. If I know you outside of work, then it's different and I feel a bit more comfortable. I've always been like this. I also feel that some people talk way too much about their husbands, wives, children etc. At the same time, some people say nothing.
Anyway, I feel that it is unfair (don't know if that is the right word) to have to hide all the time. I do feel comfortable here and as opposed to my previous job, people here seem to ask how one is doing either after being sick or having an emergency etc. It might be small things, but it does tell the culture of the company. Since I've revealed my pregnancy the HR lady and my boss always ask how I'm doing etc. I don't feel that I will get fired, although it is not illegal in this state and I understand that most companies won't do it.
Also, I have to set an example for my future child. We have to make this child feel secure and feel normal. It scares me daily to think that she will be bullied or what not for having two moms. She needs to see that her moms aren't ashamed or hiding anything.
Everyone else will be bringing their SOs to this party and therefore revealing a part of their personal lives and I want to also. I talked to my GF about it, she says no big deal, we'll just come, I'll introduce her as my partner and people will put two and two together. She's been out much longer than me and been through a lot of sh*t and she doesn't hide anything one bit.
I'm hoping to bring it into conversation somehow between now and then, but it probably won't happen.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
