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I feel that this is my manager's angle in the matter. She's viewing this as reflecting positively on us as employees since it shows we care about the group/team and we act like a family. We are afraid if we don't go now she will think we are not committed, and it may ultimately affect out career growth... Crazy, I know... it shouldn't be like that... but that's what it sounds like it is shaping up to be.
It's too bad your manager is using this funeral as a team building event or to gage employee commitment to their job.
He's forgetting a huge factor here: grieving is a very personal matter.
I would be terribly uncomfortable, if at a funeral for a loved one where I was visibly upset, to have the accounting crew come in that I email once a week. A few co-workers that I am close to and actually socialize with outside of work? No problem, but the periphery people I would feel like it was an invasion of privacy.
It would not be inappropriate for you to attend. That's something being said by people trying to justify why they wouldn't go either. And nobody I know has ever felt uncomfortable because coworkers attended a wake to show respect and support for those who have lost someone. That's silly.
But the bottom line is, regardless of etiquette, your manager cannot mandate that you go.
Nope. But it is a conservative old fashioned community and many workers are born and raised here.
Personally, I think it's strange, and not something that a manager should be mandating to her/his employees. That said, if this is that type of community, then you won't really be crashing the funeral, so you may as well go, say you're sorry to your co-worker, and then leave. This could very well be a community where the entire community shows up for a funeral, even if they didn't know the person that well. If your co-worker does later act offended that you were there and confront you over it (highly unlikely), then simply saying that you wanted to pay your respects but were also told you had to be there by your manager will take care of it. Likely, there will be enough people there that the co-worker won't really register or care that you showed up, unless they were touched by your interest.
If, by chance, you do go and you notice that it's a very small crowd where you would stick out like a sore thumb, just turn around and leave before anyone sees you. To placate your manager, you could always give your co-worker a sorry-for-your-loss card.
And if you really want to put your foot down to the manager and not go, then you may be able to placate her by saying that you feel uncomfortable going to the funeral, but that you have purchased a sorry-for-your-loss card that you'll give to the employee instead. Or you and the co-worker who also doesn't want to go could always purchase a small bouquet of flowers with a sorry-for-your-loss card.
EDIT: If this is that type of community, then showing up could really help you professionally. It shouldn't matter - work and personal life should be separate, in my opinion - but in a community like this, no doubt some people will take note that you showed and be impressed by that.
It is not at all inappropriate that you go. In fact, most people I've worked with do go to the wake even if only for twenty or thirty minutes to pay their respects.
It's a matter of showing respect for someone you work with, it's not a matter of religion.
I'm confused. Are you saying the manager should not be insisting the employees attend or he should insist the employees attend? You sound like you're contradicting yourself. Anyway, the whole thing sounds very odd, especially considering the deceased relative of your coworker is not a parent, but a grandparent. Going to a wake of someone you never met doesn't make any sense. Who would OP be paying respects to? A coworker he/she barely knows and/or a deceased individual who isn't aware of OP's presence and never met OP when he/she was alive anyway
I'm confused. Are you saying the manager should not be insisting the employees attend or he should insist the employees attend? You sound like you're contradicting yourself. Anyway, the whole thing sounds very odd, especially considering the deceased relative of your coworker is not a parent, but a grandparent. Going to a wake of someone you never met doesn't make any sense. Who would OP be paying respects to? A coworker he/she barely knows and/or a deceased individual who isn't aware of OP's presence and never met OP when he/she was alive anyway
Sorry I wasn't clearer. I'm saying if the OP chose to go, that attending is not inappropriate as some have claimed.
But it is inappropriate that the manager is telling anyone they have to go.
perhaps your manager wants you to provide trsnaportation to and/or from the funeral for others? this has been done to me several times (but not for funerals)
I didn't think managers could demand that you go to funerals.
That being said, you said that' the community is conservative and old fashioned and many workers are born and raised here'. Were you raised in this community or just moved here for the job? Maybe people in the community know the grandparent and your co worker was really close to her grandparent, I don't know. What you can do is go to the viewing, sign the guestbook, tell your co worker sorry for your loss and leave. I don't think that you have to stay for a long period of time.
And I think that your manager should find another way of promoting team spirit.
I wanted to see people's thoughts on this. A co-workers family member passed away and my manager is insisting me and my other co-worker (that I work directly with) both either attend the visitation or the service. The co-worker who is holding the funeral is from a very different department and we only work very loosely with them, so it's not like it's someone I work with everyday or what not.
Long story short, both me and my other coworker feel uncomfortable attending, feel it is inappropriate for us to attend, and feel it is inappropriate that our manager is insisting we must go. We have been told we would be paid for our time, which unfortunately blurs the lines worse. Simply put, this is a religious matter and I do not feel that we should attend. However, we are both worried that refusing to attend may hurt our careers and not be smart from a strategic standpoint. (Because career advancement is strange like that...)
What do people think about this? Will it hurt our careers if we tell our manager we will not attend the service or visitation? Personally, I am appalled we were asked to do this in the first place....
Tell the manager it is inappropriate for you to be there or tell them you have a prior commitment with your family.
If it were me I would tell them I do not attend wakes or funerals of those I do not,personally know and leave it at that.
If you're not that familiar with the coworker don't assume that a grandparent isn't an immediate family member.
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