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You have got to separate actions from the people who take them. So someone makes a bad decision -> They're an idiot; no the decision is bad and it is decision upon which all comments or criticisms should focus.
Of course if someone calls you passive aggressive because you commented about something (more probably someone) then they are criticizing you, so you should respond that you were commenting on a sub-optimal decision and explain why you think it so then solicit their input and ask them if they think you are right. Acknowledge any valid points they make.
By including others in your thought process and work, you actually can build consensus. You probably have lots of work-related knowledge so sometimes let others do work and make mistakes and instead of pointing out what they did wrong show them how the could create a better outcome. Let others take credit for something where you helped or even did the job of others. Focus on helping to make everyone as effective as possible. Soon you will be a Management favorite and perhaps become the the most respected guy in the office.
Was there something in particular you would say to yourself? This is exactly where I want to be!!!!! I explained what happened in a prior post and how my boss was involved.
Anxiety meds helped me. I would also remind myself that those people had problems with themselves not me. I would remind myself about all the compliments I got during the day/week and try to move on. Life is too short to worry about people at work.
Friday I made an innocent (I thought) comment to a coworker. No names were given, a somewhat new manager at work was in back of me and I guess thought I was talking about him. We share an office, he came back and told me he didn't appreciate my being passive aggressive. I asked him what he was talking about, apparently he had been in back of me when I made the comment. I ended up apologizing. I felt humiliated and that he was wrong.
He immediately told me boss (we all report to her), she asked me for my side and then sided with the other manager. That due to my position (I wear a lot of hats, but one is HR) I am not a manager, that it was wrong of me to make a comment like that, and even though I didn't know he was in back of me doesn't matter. Then I had to apologize to her. The tears were from anger and frustration.
The way you grow thicker skin is to decide once and for all that you have done nothing wrong and act like it or decide that it is time to be more careful with your words no matter how innocent.
Crying in this situation is not a sign of weakness. Instead it should be an indicator of poor communication.
One thing I've noticed about people who have what the OP is calling "thin skin." They seem to think others spend far more time thinking about them than they actually do.
Passion4, the incidents and topics that seem personal to you rarely are. All of us are really pretty self-involved. We're busy looking out for #1, which means the chances we are thinking about you are next to nil. We aren't trying to make you look bad, we aren't trying to ruin your day, we aren't trying to hurt your feelings. Repeat after me: chances are, no one is thinking about you at all. Even the people who probably should be.
Yes, sometimes we rub people the wrong way and they just don't like us. Maybe they hold opinions far different than our own so we offend them on some level. But few of us, if we are minding our own business, rarely make "enemies." Enemies are for people like Putin and Trump. You and I aren't that important in the scheme of things.
Let me give you an example. I once didn't get a job I applied for that I really wanted and was super well-qualified for. I was well-prepared in the MULTIPLE interviews. I made a presentation to the organization's entire board and I got a ton of compliments afterward. I was told I was hired and the next step was to negotiate salary and start date. Then I got a phone call saying the deal was off, I wasn't getting the job. WHAT HAPPENED? But no one would tell me.
Who hated my presentations? Who sabotaged me? What went wrong? Why are people so mean to me? Wha, wha, wha. Well, it turns out this terrible event, which was very punishing to me, wasted a month of my life, and honestly did disappoint me to the core, really had nothing to do with me. ZERO. A member of the board I did not even meet had a beef with the hiring manager. He was screwing with her. Demanding that she hire his wife for the job! Which she ended up doing to save her own position. I could have been anyone and the deal would have had that same outcome. I could have had a degree from Harvard, been related to the Pope, and looked like Miss Universe. I still wouldn't have gotten that job. But I spent a lot of time feeling like there was a target on my back before I found out what really happened.
Most of the things you think are happening TO YOU are only happening to you in your imagination. Sad to say, but you and I are the last things most people are focused on.
Anxiety meds helped me. I would also remind myself that those people had problems with themselves not me. I would remind myself about all the compliments I got during the day/week and try to move on. Life is too short to worry about people at work.
Good idea. I definitely get compliments at work, just think about the good and ignore the bad.
The way you grow thicker skin is to decide once and for all that you have done nothing wrong and act like it or decide that it is time to be more careful with your words no matter how innocent.
Crying in this situation is not a sign of weakness. Instead it should be an indicator of poor communication.
*I* didn't think I had done anything wrong, but when 2 managers both tell me I was wrong, I don't have to agree with them, but I'm not going to challenge them either. This rarely happens (the example I gave) and otherwise I am very happy there. I only apologized because I thought it was expected of me.
However, the first manager does not get my sense of humour so I will be turning it way down.
One thing I've noticed about people who have what the OP is calling "thin skin." They seem to think others spend far more time thinking about them than they actually do.
Passion4, the incidents and topics that seem personal to you rarely are. All of us are really pretty self-involved. We're busy looking out for #1, which means the chances we are thinking about you are next to nil. We aren't trying to make you look bad, we aren't trying to ruin your day, we aren't trying to hurt your feelings. Repeat after me: chances are, no one is thinking about you at all. Even the people who probably should be.
Yes, sometimes we rub people the wrong way and they just don't like us. Maybe they hold opinions far different than our own so we offend them on some level. But few of us, if we are minding our own business, rarely make "enemies." Enemies are for people like Putin and Trump. You and I aren't that important in the scheme of things.
Let me give you an example. I once didn't get a job I applied for that I really wanted and was super well-qualified for. I was well-prepared in the MULTIPLE interviews. I made a presentation to the organization's entire board and I got a ton of compliments afterward. I was told I was hired and the next step was to negotiate salary and start date. Then I got a phone call saying the deal was off, I wasn't getting the job. WHAT HAPPENED? But no one would tell me.
Who hated my presentations? Who sabotaged me? What went wrong? Why are people so mean to me? Wha, wha, wha. Well, it turns out this terrible event, which was very punishing to me, wasted a month of my life, and honestly did disappoint me to the core, really had nothing to do with me. ZERO. A member of the board I did not even meet had a beef with the hiring manager. He was screwing with her. Demanding that she hire his wife for the job! Which she ended up doing to save her own position. I could have been anyone and the deal would have had that same outcome. I could have had a degree from Harvard, been related to the Pope, and looked like Miss Universe. I still wouldn't have gotten that job. But I spent a lot of time feeling like there was a target on my back before I found out what really happened.
Most of the things you think are happening TO YOU are only happening to you in your imagination. Sad to say, but you and I are the last things most people are focused on.
Friday I made an innocent (I thought) comment to a coworker. No names were given, a somewhat new manager at work was in back of me and I guess thought I was talking about him. We share an office, he came back and told me he didn't appreciate my being passive aggressive. I asked him what he was talking about, apparently he had been in back of me when I made the comment. I ended up apologizing. I felt humiliated and that he was wrong.
He immediately told me boss (we all report to her), she asked me for my side and then sided with the other manager. That due to my position (I wear a lot of hats, but one is HR) I am not a manager, that it was wrong of me to make a comment like that, and even though I didn't know he was in back of me doesn't matter. Then I had to apologize to her. The tears were from anger and frustration.
OP, what was the comment that you made specifically? Can you tell us verbatim (if possible). The reason I ask is that each work incident that causes you to cry is going to be fact specific as to whether a reasonable person should have reacted the way you did. In the past, supervisors have corrected me about things I've done or I've said, and each time I understood and agreed with their points because, in retrospect, I should not have done that action or should not have said what I said. I think a lot of sensitivity (thin skin) is because the person lacks perspective to see why she was wrong. I've also read that depression can cause a person to take small personal slights and interpret them as grave personal attacks, but that's a whole other discussion.
Developing a thick skin requires life/work experiences in my opinion. If a person has had long career in a challenging job, he or she will develop the self-confidence and perspective needed to develop a shield against perceived slights from co-workers. If a person has not had a successful career or is not in the socioeconomic position she thinks she should be in and feels marginalized, I can see how she could be overly sensitive to things that happen at work.
*I* didn't think I had done anything wrong, but when 2 managers both tell me I was wrong, I don't have to agree with them, but I'm not going to challenge them either. This rarely happens (the example I gave) and otherwise I am very happy there. I only apologized because I thought it was expected of me.
However, the first manager does not get my sense of humour so I will be turning it way down.
I think the problem is you are not communicating. You should have come out of the meeting/interaction knowing why the manager thought it was wrong. Or why it was wrong for someone in your position- having even a partial HR role greatly changes what is expected from you.
Also if the apology seems hollow or you apologize but conduct yourself in the same manner it sets you back. At some point you do have to agree with them only if its within the parameters of it being the preferred behavior in the organization.
I think most of us need thick skin at some point in time. We're all wired differently and have different demeanors so we can't always take things literally. I actually learned to have thick skin from my wife of all people. She used to make comments that would fly all over me and I would get upset. A few times I've blown a gasket only to realize that she sincerely had no idea that what she said offended me. My perception of her intent was not even close to her actual intent. She's very outspoken and sometimes blunt, so if you don't know her might think that she's rude sometimes. But if you do know her, you know that she is a sweet person who just only knows how to say things as she sees them and doesn't always realize that some people might be offended. I typically tell her that something is offensive and she will try to reword it so as not to ruffle feathers.
I began to realize that it is a good idea to understand a person's demeanor before allowing my initial kneejerk reaction to kick in. Often times, I have found that there are some people who just don't communicate the same way that I do. They mean something one way, and it comes across another. I take most of what people say literally which can be detrimental to me at times, so I tend to try and learn someone so that I can understand their intent as there are a lot of instances where my initial reaction would have been a lot different than my end reaction once I understood what they meant. Some are jerks for sure, but many mean well.
Developing that thick skin helps me to rationalize before making any assumptions.
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She used to make comments that would fly all over me and I would get upset. A few times I've blown a gasket only to realize that she sincerely had no idea that what she said offended me. My perception of her intent was not even close to her actual intent. She's very outspoken and sometimes blunt, so if you don't know her might think that she's rude sometimes. But if you do know her, you know that she is a sweet person who just only knows how to say things as she sees them and doesn't always realize that some people might be offended. I typically tell her that something is offensive and she will try to reword it so as not to ruffle feathers.
