The Story of Thanksgiving
Posted 11-20-2009 at 10:23 PM by GCSTroop
Many centuries ago there was a place most people in America have only vaguely heard of. This place was named Britain. Many things in Britain have not changed since that time long ago. In Britain, they still have a eugenics program which dictates that certain people have bloodlines which make them royal and somehow special. Because of their special bloodlines, they are privileged to have enormous sums of money for no other reason than because they're pedigrees - like dogs.
As we were saying, many centuries ago in this land operated and run by dogs, there was much religious strife. The two main religions at arms with one another were the Christians and the Christians. Essentially, the female pedigree running the country (we'll call her the Queen Bit*h) opted for Christianity to be the main denomination of England. All other Christians would thus be persecuted and some executed - at the command of the Queen Bit*h. This went on for some time - in fact, several centuries.
Eventually the Christians grew tired and weary of being persecuted by the Christians and decided to flee the country. There was much rumor about this "New World" that lay only about a quarter of the world away. One of the most optimistic ventures the Christians set out for was to worship Christianity on their own without fear of reprisal and vengeance by other Christians. This group of Christians (the one's fleeing - not staying) called themselves The Pilgrims.
Ahead of them was a grand adventure. They were to leave everything they'd ever known behind - warm ale, rowdy football games, fish and chips, and double-decker red buses - just to practice their own religion. I never said they were sane. I'm just telling the story.
However, before they set sail for the "New World," they decided to make a stop in the Netherlands. The irresistible luring of hashish shops and the Red Light District actually became the focus of their attention at first. For reasons unknown, they changed their minds after a short period of time and asked for money from British investors to help them reach this fabled "New World."
Finally, they boarded two crappy little ships named Speedwell and Mayflower. Speedwell was poorly named as the only thing it did well was take on water. The Pilgrims were off to a bad start and docked Speedwell. They sold Speedwell for the low, low price of $19.95. They then opted to board Mayflower as one group.
The trip started out well but they soon ran into heavy squalls, rain and wind. Not much is written as to whether or not they took Dramamine to cure their seasickness but it is presumed they did. For those who didn't, it's presumed they vomited the entire trip.
Then, all of a sudden, on October 1st, 1620 (like I said, this was many centuries ago) land was spotted. Actually, land wasn't spotted on this day, it was just one of the lookouts playing a joke on everyone. They did not take kindly to this and threw the lookout to the sharks. This was one of the only casualties of the voyage. Eventually, on November 10th, 1620, land actually was spotted and The Pilgrims were overjoyed. Unfortunately, they couldn't find a decent place to dock the ship and had to wait another ten days before they docked at what is now known as Provincetown Harbor.
It should be briefly mentioned that they carved the date into a rock (Plymouth Rock) to signify their landing. This was not actually anything special - just a form of 17th century graffiti. The descendants of these rock carvers are still hard at work on bridges and overpasses all over the country and most predominantly in areas dominated by gang activity and trailer parks.
They eventually made contact with the Native American tribes in the area and began the time-honored American tradition of taking the Native America peoples' land and basically screwing them over. The tradition continues to this day in various different types of formats.
Despite the sociological and personality differences between the Native Americans and The Pilgrims, they managed to get along fairly well at first. After The Pilgrims had been there for about a year and had mostly died from disease and starvation, they decided to have a harvest festival to celebrate their survival. Well, those who didn't die were celebrating, the dead didn't have much to celebrate about.
Though the date of this first harvest festival is highly debated, it began what is probably now one of the most highly celebrated American traditions - eating like a fat, gluttonous slob.
And that is the story of Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day!
As we were saying, many centuries ago in this land operated and run by dogs, there was much religious strife. The two main religions at arms with one another were the Christians and the Christians. Essentially, the female pedigree running the country (we'll call her the Queen Bit*h) opted for Christianity to be the main denomination of England. All other Christians would thus be persecuted and some executed - at the command of the Queen Bit*h. This went on for some time - in fact, several centuries.
Eventually the Christians grew tired and weary of being persecuted by the Christians and decided to flee the country. There was much rumor about this "New World" that lay only about a quarter of the world away. One of the most optimistic ventures the Christians set out for was to worship Christianity on their own without fear of reprisal and vengeance by other Christians. This group of Christians (the one's fleeing - not staying) called themselves The Pilgrims.
Ahead of them was a grand adventure. They were to leave everything they'd ever known behind - warm ale, rowdy football games, fish and chips, and double-decker red buses - just to practice their own religion. I never said they were sane. I'm just telling the story.
However, before they set sail for the "New World," they decided to make a stop in the Netherlands. The irresistible luring of hashish shops and the Red Light District actually became the focus of their attention at first. For reasons unknown, they changed their minds after a short period of time and asked for money from British investors to help them reach this fabled "New World."
Finally, they boarded two crappy little ships named Speedwell and Mayflower. Speedwell was poorly named as the only thing it did well was take on water. The Pilgrims were off to a bad start and docked Speedwell. They sold Speedwell for the low, low price of $19.95. They then opted to board Mayflower as one group.
The trip started out well but they soon ran into heavy squalls, rain and wind. Not much is written as to whether or not they took Dramamine to cure their seasickness but it is presumed they did. For those who didn't, it's presumed they vomited the entire trip.
Then, all of a sudden, on October 1st, 1620 (like I said, this was many centuries ago) land was spotted. Actually, land wasn't spotted on this day, it was just one of the lookouts playing a joke on everyone. They did not take kindly to this and threw the lookout to the sharks. This was one of the only casualties of the voyage. Eventually, on November 10th, 1620, land actually was spotted and The Pilgrims were overjoyed. Unfortunately, they couldn't find a decent place to dock the ship and had to wait another ten days before they docked at what is now known as Provincetown Harbor.
It should be briefly mentioned that they carved the date into a rock (Plymouth Rock) to signify their landing. This was not actually anything special - just a form of 17th century graffiti. The descendants of these rock carvers are still hard at work on bridges and overpasses all over the country and most predominantly in areas dominated by gang activity and trailer parks.
They eventually made contact with the Native American tribes in the area and began the time-honored American tradition of taking the Native America peoples' land and basically screwing them over. The tradition continues to this day in various different types of formats.
Despite the sociological and personality differences between the Native Americans and The Pilgrims, they managed to get along fairly well at first. After The Pilgrims had been there for about a year and had mostly died from disease and starvation, they decided to have a harvest festival to celebrate their survival. Well, those who didn't die were celebrating, the dead didn't have much to celebrate about.
Though the date of this first harvest festival is highly debated, it began what is probably now one of the most highly celebrated American traditions - eating like a fat, gluttonous slob.
And that is the story of Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day!
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