The ultimate selfish act (suicide, depression, triggers)

I was a dealt a rough hand growing up but I always remained optimistic that things would get better, they had to get better, I just had to study hard, work hard and do the right thing.

My depression has been part of my life since childhood, I remember the first time I contemplated suicide was when I was 15, I was sitting in my bedroom and I had an empty bottle of Evian water, I was angry and tearing up a magazine and forcing it into the small opening of the bottle, when I was done I looked at the bottle and thought this is me, so much pressure crammed into a small bottle, I felt so much hate from my parents at the time, I was too fat, too ugly, too dumb, I will never be anybody, I will never be deserving of love, I will never be good enough, they wished I died at birth (I was a 32wk preemie) those words that I have heard so often circled around my head until I couldn't take it anymore, this was on top of me blaming myself for being molested by a family friend when I was 4yrs old. I decided I would jump the bridge onto on coming traffic, if the impact of the fall didn't end me then a car would finish me off. (Before anyone judges me my 15yr old brain was too immature to think about anyone but myself) But as I got up to leave the house it struck me that if they didn't care about me than why should I care about them? I had to start doing things that would make me happy; they would be disappointed regardless so why keep trying to change it.

So I kept my head down, had boyfriends they disapproved of but I also went to college, got my degree, met a good guy and married him, I work in healthcare admin at the top of the chain in a small company, I have two amazing kids and yet I couldn't shake my unhappiness. I started therapy after I had my first child, never having a parent show me love and affection meant I didn’t know how to show it to my child, and I did not want that for him, this innocent person I created deserved better. I stayed in therapy for about 3 yrs and worked through issues of my past; I was able to forgive my parents and finally realized that I wasn't to blame for what happened to me as a small child.

I realized that the man I married I never truly loved, he was a good guy from a good family and was check box perfect, but I needed the chance to love and be in love and he deserved it too. I thought we could achieve it but he had no interest in changing the dynamic, so I made the decision to ask for a divorce, when he agreed with zero push back I knew it was the right thing to do. Even though he didn't want to fight for the relationship I carried the burden and guilt from asking for something I knew he never would and so I left the marriage with my kids and gave him everything else.

I started therapy again when my marriage began crumbling and I still have regular sessions to this day. I have met a great guy that I love and that loves me, I was offered a job that offers new growth potential, life hasn't been easy, financially I struggle because I gave it all up when I left, and ongoing custody issues with my ex has caused my stress to spike but I know that this stress is temporary. I have dealt with high stress situations a lot in my life and I have always been able to plow through, but no matter what I do, no matter my successes or failures I can never escape this deep rooted sadness.

I do not subscribe to a victim mentality, I don't feel sorry for myself, and I accept that I am in charge of my life and my choices. I have always done what I needed to do, what I felt was the right thing to do. But I don't think I can escape the way I feel. I am trying to live for my children and now that is being threatened, if I lose them I don't think I will have a reason to live anymore. My ex has endless resources and endless family support. All these voices pressuring me to give them what they want, I am at the stage where I want to hand it all over just so I can finally call it a day. No more unhappiness, No more darkness, No more pain, No more tension. I am not sad about the idea of dying; I know life will go on regardless.

I have watched shows where people have mental breakdowns and suicidal thoughts and they are always at such a heightened emotional state. I am not that way, I am not emotional about it, it isn't a whim, I have thought about it for a long time. I feel like this is the inevitable but its now just a question of when.