I caught an old episode of the "Waltons" last night and it brought me back to my childhood. (Back to "simplier" times!)...My Dad used to call my younger son "John Boy" when he was small. My son loved it! (And remembered it all his life.)...You'd never catch my older son watching old reruns of the "Waltons" or "Little House on the Prairie." But my younger son loved watching these shows because they gave him a "window" into the past. And they were about families...My older son took pride in being a "modern" and "with the times" kind of guy! I'm sure he viewed the rest of us as "old grey mares" because we enjoyed telling "tales" from the past. And taking trips down "memory lane."...My younger son "ate" it all "up" and kept begging for "more" when we started sharing stories from the past. He said this gave him a chance to get to know us even "better." And he loved hearing about life back in the "old days."...Both of my sons are gone now along with my husband and parents and everyone else. I am the only "apple" left on my "family tree." Watching the old episode of the "Waltons" last night helped me feel like I was part of a family again. (And this was sure nice!)
May flowers?.. Or May "blues?"
Posted 05-09-2013 at 03:02 PM by CArizona
This will be my first Mother's Day since both my sons passed away...I'm still technically a "mom" even though I don't have any children left or alive anymore...Today would have been my 27th wedding anniversary if my husband was still alive...And both my sons' birthdays are in May too...I don't want to get too caught-up in the "blues" just because May is full of so many special dates and memories...Can't let myself "drown" in self-pity...I bought a chocolate cake today in honor of my anniversary and Mother's Day. I just had a slice of it with fresh strawberries on the side. YUM!...I'm going to spoil myself as much as possible and cry when needed too...What else can I do?
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Really good to get out...The breakfast buffet at the Indian casino wasn't as good as it used to be...The food was blah and lukewarm...Oh well! It didn't "kill me." And I didn't have to cook! But I don't think I'll go back..."Played" a bit on the slots and got "up." But my companion didn't win and it felt weird. So I stopped...He watched me "play" for awhile and said he didn't mind. But after awhile I felt like I had "dad" or "grandpa" watching over my shoulder. He made a few snide comments. So I decided to stop...I started off with five dollars and that was my "limit." So I didn't go "hog wild!"...After that we went to the store. And "play time" was over...Drove back and said "goodbye" and now it's time to be a "cave-dweller" again. But I wish I still had more to "do!" (In the "outside world!") But what?...When my husband and son were alive we always "stayed out" and kept finding other things to do...We hardly ever did "one-shot deals!" Once we were "out" we wanted to stay "out" for awhile. But that was our culture. And they're "gone" now. Sad!!Posted 06-13-2013 at 02:22 PM by CArizona
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Guess I'll just "settle-in" for the day and "play old!".. There's really not a "whole bunch" to do around here...My other friend "has group" on Thursdays and won't be home until late...My other male friend might agree to do "something." But he prefers to get out in the morning when it's not so hot...He's a very nice person and caring...But sometimes I feel "stifled" when we're together. He can "play dad" too...My husband was more "fun-loving" and spontaneous. (More of a "free-spirit." And not so "old" or "dad-like.")...He put "gusto" and enthusiasm into everything he "did." (Whether he was at home or "out.").. He wasn't a "dead-beat" very often. I sure miss him and his "cute" and "fun ways!"Posted 06-13-2013 at 02:42 PM by CArizona
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I'm doing better now and "settling-in" a bit...My "cave" seemed like a "prison cell" when I first got home today...I must be coming out of my "heavy-duty grief." And ready to be part of the world. (A little more.)..It's probably a "good sign."...Life can't JUST be about shopping! And going from store to store. (When I go out.)...I've never been a "lover" of shopping. When my husband was alive he did most of the grocery shopping. (And other shopping too.)...He enjoyed shopping. But I've always had to "work" at making shopping "fun." (And I do!)...Anyway I'm starting to feel restless and "hungry" for a "fuller life." (Again!)Posted 06-13-2013 at 03:59 PM by CArizona
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I'm going to take a few days "off" starting tomorrow. And give myself some "alone time."..Promised to visit a friend today. (For a couple of hours.) But that's "it" until Monday or so...I had an "aha moment" (late) last night and I want to "mull" everything over. (In my mind.) And just take a "breather" and "break" from people for a few days...I want to examine my "programming" and how it "kicks-in" every so often. (Below my "radar.")Posted 06-14-2013 at 08:38 AM by CArizona
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Got "out and about" yesterday and had a good time...I feel like I'm coming "back to life!" YEA!...Of course I know that I will probably have "set-backs" and "ruffled feathers" at times...Things won't always turn-out the way I "hoped" or expected and I'll have to "re-group."...I don't want to get stuck in "all or nothing" thinking for too long...Anyway I'm staying "in" today unless something "super-exciting" comes-up and entices me to "go out."Posted 06-15-2013 at 07:20 AM by CArizona
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Yesterday "threw" me for a "loop!" The morning went well. But I got "down" at some point. Even cried...Guess it's going to take me awhile to "regroup" and work through all my grief...Have to be patient with myself and the "grief-process."...I seem to feel "okay" this morning. (So far anyway.) I want to have a happier day...But I won't hold-back my tears if I need to cry again...It's been 2 weeks so I might get a call from my friend's "big sis" later on.. Of course it's "Father's Day" so she may have plans with her family...I'm going to call a friend and wish him "Happy Father's Day" in a little bit...Hope everyone has a great day! (Whatever you do!)Posted 06-16-2013 at 08:47 AM by CArizona
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Basically I "stayed in" for 2 days. (All by my "lonesome!") Well this isn't true per se...The cats are always "here" with me..Anyway I need to get "some stuff" at the store today. And I'll visit my friend for a little while..."Father's Day" is over so the stores might be a little less crowded. (Unless people are "banking" on sales and discounts.) Who knows?...Whatever! I need "stuff!"..It's kind of hard to see all the "stars and stripes" decor in stores right now for the 4th of July..We always celebrated my husband's birthday over the 4th of July...And next month is also the anniversary date of his death too...Oh well! I'm "tough!" I can "handle it!".. If I need to cry at times I will! No "biggie!"Posted 06-17-2013 at 08:22 AM by CArizona
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It's hard to be with people on holidays or birthdays or "anniversary dates" and keep "mum" about my family. (And all my loved ones who died.)...It's hard to "keep quiet" about all of the memories that are (constantly) "running-through" my mind...When I go to restaurants or stores or "events" (in the area) I can be "flooded" with memories too...I want to be "in the moment" and in the "present" with friends. (Today.) And I do a pretty "good job."...But it's hard for me to act like I'm basically a "newborn." (With no past or "prior history!") This isn't really my nature. I've always been sort of a "storyteller." Or: "Let's share memories together" type of person...I want to hear my friends' "life-stories" and "tales" from their past too. This way we can get to know each other "better" and grow closer and closer over time!...Anyway, it's usually easier (for me) to "stay in the present" if I'm with someone who is "lively" and interesting. And "harder" if I'm with someone who doesn't talk very much...When I start to feel a little "bored" the memories "bombard me!" And I miss the fun and sense of "aliveness" that I used to have with my husband and son. (And other family members too!)Posted 06-17-2013 at 09:34 AM by CArizona
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Got out today...Sometimes I feel like I'm going round and round in "circles." Keep going to the same places over and over again. (Because there's just not much around here.).. But I tried to make my "outing" as pleasant as possible. (For myself.)...Had a great visit with my friend and we both "opened-up" a lot. This helped...And we had fun too!...Forced myself to eat a chicken sandwich at "Mc Donald's" before coming home. My son used to "kidnap" us every so often and take me and my husband to this "Mc Donald's." So it's full of memories for me...The chicken was on the "dry-side" today. And I felt lonely sitting in the booth by myself but did "okay."...Sometimes I really have to "force myself" to do things...I didn't realize that "Mc Donald's" has chocolate-dipped "frosty" (type) cones now...Maybe I'll try one the next time. But I prefer "real" ice-cream most of all...Anyway I got out again today! Maybe I need to drive-up to Las Vegas one day soon. (It's my closest "big-city" area.)Posted 06-17-2013 at 08:39 PM by CArizona
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Getting out early this morning. Be back soon! Hope you have a great day! (Me too!)Posted 06-18-2013 at 07:46 AM by CArizona
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I'm back...Came home and cooked and ate. Then I started to miss my son. (A lot!).. So I've been letting myself cry...Going to "Mc Donald's" yesterday brought back a lot of memories...There are memories everywhere! Guess I just have to work through my grief. And it will take time...Have to be patient with myself!Posted 06-18-2013 at 11:50 AM by CArizona
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I'm getting out with a friend for little while this morning. It was something I "promised" to "do!" Want to have a good time...Did research about grief on the Internet. (Again.).. I guess the 9th month after a death can be a "rough time." (At least for some people.)...The "numbness" has worn-off and "reality" sets-in...Anyway I've entered a new "phase." And I'm going to have to "roll" with the "punches."Posted 06-19-2013 at 07:58 AM by CArizona
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I saw my longtime family friend this morning. He seemed different and "off.".. Later he told me that he was going in for a lot of medical tests. Obviously he's "spooked" about something...He didn't volunteer much information and I didn't "pry" or push him to talk...He seemed so "somber" and quiet. Maybe he's "fearful" about the prognosis...I told him not to hesitate to ask me for a ride to the hospital or doctor's appointments if "need be." He doesn't have any family in this area either...His Mom passed-away a few weeks ago on "Mother's Day." Anyway I hope my friend will be okay.Posted 06-19-2013 at 03:24 PM by CArizona
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Up early...Getting out later with another friend...Trying to be more "upbeat!" But I detect a degree of "cynicism" in myself. Why? What's wrong?...I think I need something way out of the "norm" to lift my "spirits." (Versus "same old, same old" all the time.)...I'm serving as a "side-kick" for my friend today. She's "dealing" with some "stuff."...Wonder what she'd say if I suggested that we get in the car and drive to Texas or New Mexico (or someplace else) just on the "spur of the moment!"...Guess I'm just a little bored right now and need to get out of my "ruts" and "routines.".. Need to "cut loose!" And get "wild and crazy!!...Do the "unexpected!" Be more spontaneous!Posted 06-20-2013 at 07:01 AM by CArizona
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I think we all need a sense of "depth" and meaning to life...Why are we here? What's our "purpose?" (Beyond working and making money and paying bills or shopping...Beyond raising our families.)...I feel that I'm "here" to learn lessons. (All kinds of lessons!)...Right now I'm learning what it feels like to be the last person left in my family. (To go "through" multiple deaths and losses within a short span of time.)...My Dad still had some family left after my Mom died. But he was on his "own" most of the time...He had a chance to see who "he was" without my Mom. My parents were married for 45 years so I know he had to go through a lot of "adjustments."...He never considered dating or getting involved with someone "new."...I was proud of my Dad for learning how to "go it alone." He even cooked for us on holidays...Later on he developed Alzheimers. But he never got to the point where he stopped recognizing us. (Entirely.)...Anyway I've always felt that I'm "here" to learn lessons and (hopefully) "grow" through all of my experiences.Posted 06-21-2013 at 08:15 AM by CArizona
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Did you ever play "Life?" (The board game.)...I did years ago and I always remember "the day of reckoning" at the end...I feel like I'm going through a "time of reckoning" now. Maybe it could even be called a "life review."...Do you think people "review" their lives when they die? I do...I think we "look back" at all of our choices and decisions.( And actions and words, etc.)...Anyway I seem to be going through an early (and premature) "life-review."...It's making me "grow-up" a little more. And look at things differently.Posted 06-21-2013 at 07:06 PM by CArizona
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Started feeling sick last night. I'm worse today but I'm trying to "kick" whatever it is...Need to let things "go" and rest for awhile.Posted 06-22-2013 at 12:46 PM by CArizona
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I feel a little better today...Started this blog about May. (And getting "through" the month of May.) But now it's almost the "end" of June...I just don't feel like starting a new blog right now. Why?...The months always seem to "roll" into each other pretty fast. Don't you think?...So I'll just keep everything under the "May umbrella!" And before long it will be May 2014...Right?Posted 06-23-2013 at 08:23 AM by CArizona
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Dealing with some "stuff" right now. Wish my husband was still alive... I miss being able to "share" things with him. (And have ongoing discussions.)...I'm not one to pick up the phone and tell everyone "my business." Or call and ask people for "advice."...So I'm basically going it "alone" right now and trying to get a "grip" on everything.Posted 06-24-2013 at 06:18 PM by CArizona
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"Get up! Get going! Rise above things!"...I've always been a pretty "positive" person. But sometimes it's hard to "jump" right out of a "slump.".. Or find a way out of a "maze" when everything seems "cloudy" and muddled. (Versus "crystal-clear.")...Have you noticed this?...We live in a world where we expect things to happen fast or "instantly." But there are some situations that require a little more time...Time to find "answers." Time to figure-out what's "wrong." Or what's really "going-on."...How can we find "solutions" when we don't really understand the "problem?" Life can definitely be complicated at times! And "complex!"Posted 06-26-2013 at 08:07 AM by CArizona
