Marriage and Children

Posted 05-27-2012 at 03:17 PM by txtqueen

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So how old were you when you got married and when you had your first child?

TG the other night said that it makes him so happy to be able to fall asleep and wake up next to me everyday, he says I love you all the time. I really hope marriage is in the future, it feels like it will be, we talk about all these future plans we have.

Last night he made a remark on this TV show we were watching. The turtle man or something, on like discovery or whatever but these country kids were telling this guy he was their hero because he was like wrangling a skunk and TG said he'd have a HUGE talk with his kid about heros if they ever said that and I was like this is kind of off topic but it's crazy, everyone we know has kids, all of my friends except like 2-3 or them have kids already.

He said he wanted to wait to have kids, enjoy his freedom and money before he settled down and had kids, which I am totally on the same page. I atleast want to be 28, married by 24 or something or along those lines.

But how old were you when you got married and when you had kids?

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Comments

1. I was 25, almost 26 when we got married, and 30 when my first was born. Age doesn't have a ton to do with it though. It was the right time. We'd both finished college. we both had jobs with benefits. We'd both bought our own cars, and had been living in our own apartments, paying our own way. I know a couple who got married at 20-ish and had their first child (unplanned) a year or so later. Neither had finished college. They couldn't afford a sitter. They really struggled. One worked while the other went to school, then they switched. Luckily for them they had family to help watch the baby. They weren't able to buy their first house until much later. They made it work, and are still together, but sadly, they are the exception, not the rule. Money and kids can put a huge strain on a relationship. Huge. Many marriages don't survive the early stages.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 03:52 PM by Kibbiekat

2. Quote: Originally Posted by Kibbiekat I was 25, almost 26 when we got married, and 30 when my first was born. Age doesn't have a ton to do with it though. It was the right time. We'd both finished college. we both had jobs with benefits. We'd both bought our own cars, and had been living in our own apartments, paying our own way. I know a couple who got married at 20-ish and had their first child (unplanned) a year or so later. Neither had finished college. They couldn't afford a sitter. They really struggled. One worked while the other went to school, then they switched. Luckily for them they had family to help watch the baby. They weren't able to buy their first house until much later. They made it work, and are still together, but sadly, they are the exception, not the rule. Money and kids can put a huge strain on a relationship. Huge. Many marriages don't survive the early stages. Well we've established the whole getting our own place deal and plan to move again in another few years into someone on our own. I have benefits. He has benefits so we're starting to get stuff together, it might be awhile before kids but hopefully marriage in the near future like within the next two years.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 05:06 PM by txtqueen

3. I am happy that you are happy. To answer your question, we got engaged at 24, and were both entirely supporting ourselves since 18 for him and 21 for me. We waited until I was done with grad school to get married at 27, moved cross country twice for my job, had our first child at 32, moved cross country for his job, and had our second at 35. I second what Kibs said about it being more about "the right time" than "the right age" and that money and kids are stressful on "new" marriages. DH and I both know what it is to be very poor, deal with one partner who is unemployed, near-death family health issues, work 80+ hour weeks and rarely see each other in order to make ends meet and save for the things we wanted to have. I already knew how we both responded to big stressors and crises before we got married, because we had been through so many. It can make a relationship stronger or it can break a relationship. It's hard to say which until you've weathered a few storms together.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 05:07 PM by eastwesteastagain

4. In order to make enough money to support a family, you need to either go to school, or you both need to stay at your jobs long enough to get promoted and get raises. With your track record so far, that's unlikely. The job I had when we got engaged is the same one I kept for the next 9 years. Hubby kept his for about 5, while getting a master's degree, which allowed him to get a better job. Job hoping like you have been for the last several years is not going to get you anywhere.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 05:14 PM by Kibbiekat

5. Quote: Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain I am happy that you are happy. To answer your question, we got engaged at 24, and were both entirely supporting ourselves since 18 for him and 21 for me. We waited until I was done with grad school to get married at 27, moved cross country twice for my job, had our first child at 32, moved cross country for his job, and had our second at 35. I second what Kibs said about it being more about "the right time" than "the right age" and that money and kids are stressful on "new" marriages. DH and I both know what it is to be very poor, deal with one partner who is unemployed, near-death family health issues, work 80+ hour weeks and rarely see each other in order to make ends meet and save for the things we wanted to have. I already knew how we both responded to big stressors and crises before we got married, because we had been through so many. It can make a relationship stronger or it can break a relationship. It's hard to say which until you've weathered a few storms together. Thats kind of how we are now. I mean he works weeks and I work tuesday/wed/sat/sun, still 40 hours and ALL DAY 7am-7pm Sat and Sun. We barely see each other and we're doing to make ends meet so we can have money to buy our camping gear and a second car, etc. We're weathering a storm right now. I need a better job, I need the same hours as him and it's really hard on me right now, so I'll be looking for a higher paying job one that works the same hours as him m-f 8-5.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 05:27 PM by txtqueen

6. Quote: Originally Posted by Kibbiekat In order to make enough money to support a family, you need to either go to school, or you both need to stay at your jobs long enough to get promoted and get raises. With your track record so far, that's unlikely. The job I had when we got engaged is the same one I kept for the next 9 years. Hubby kept his for about 5, while getting a master's degree, which allowed him to get a better job. Job hoping like you have been for the last several years is not going to get you anywhere. The job he has now is a really good one and he is staying there as long as he can, which unless he gets laid off, it'll be for the next 10+ years. I need to get settled into a m-f 8-5 like him so it wont be so hard on us sharing one car and I need to make better money so we have more. Receptionist jobs at doctors offices pay pretty well and would give good hours, that is what I am looking at right now. but by this fall I plan on being settled in a m-f 8-5 with better pay and sticking with it. I wouldn't switch jobs so much if I could find one that paid what I wanted it to and had nice hours, if I find one I will stick with it.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 05:30 PM by txtqueen

7. Quote: Originally Posted by txtqueen Thats kind of how we are now. I mean he works weeks and I work tuesday/wed/sat/sun, still 40 hours and ALL DAY 7am-7pm Sat and Sun. We barely see each other and we're doing to make ends meet so we can have money to buy our camping gear and a second car, etc. We're weathering a storm right now. I need a better job, I need the same hours as him and it's really hard on me right now, so I'll be looking for a higher paying job one that works the same hours as him m-f 8-5. I understand how hard it is to not see each other much. We did it for years and years, and still do, to some extent. The best (unsolicited) advice I could give a new couple in their 20s would be to work your arses off now, do everything in your power to maximize your earning potential, improve your credit, and save up substantial sums for whatever your dream is (a house? A car? Being able to retire before you're 90? Having the option to take extended maternity/paternity leave?). Time starts to move really fast the older we get, and before you know it you will be 35. I know it's hard to think about that right now, you are still young, you're in love, everything seems possible, there's so much time, etc. Enjoy it and realistically plan for the future. It will be here faster than you think. Trust me, working two jobs and going to school in one's 20s before kids is a lot easier to manage (not easy, but easier) than doing it in one's 30s or 40s. FWIW, I don't think people are trying to rain on your parade, we just want to see you set yourself up to do well. Life can be tough and things rarely work out like we expect, y'know? I do wish you good luck.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 05:57 PM by eastwesteastagain

8. Quote: Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain I understand how hard it is to not see each other much. We did it for years and years, and still do, to some extent. The best (unsolicited) advice I could give a new couple in their 20s would be to work your arses off now, do everything in your power to maximize your earning potential, improve your credit, and save up substantial sums for whatever your dream is (a house? A car? Being able to retire before you're 90? Having the option to take extended maternity/paternity leave?). Time starts to move really fast the older we get, and before you know it you will be 35. I know it's hard to think about that right now, you are still young, you're in love, everything seems possible, there's so much time, etc. Enjoy it and realistically plan for the future. It will be here faster than you think. Trust me, working two jobs and going to school in one's 20s before kids is a lot easier to manage (not easy, but easier) than doing it in one's 30s or 40s. FWIW, I don't think people are trying to rain on your parade, we just want to see you set yourself up to do well. Life can be tough and things rarely work out like we expect, y'know? I do wish you good luck. We're pretty set right now. We're bringing in nearly $3000 a month between the two of us once his second paycheck hits, the first one will be small since its the first check but the others will be full checks. But we can pretty much cover our expenses with about $1000, our SET expenses. Rent/utilities/cable/internet is all bundled into $730, my cell, my car insurance all fits with in the $1000. But that means we pretty much have like $2000 after that where the majority can go into savings, so we have it really easy right now and I am so glad he's a great financial planner when it comes to this stuff because once we get the second car out of the way, the camping gear and the bed we are going to start putting away for even bigger ticket items like housing but he wants to take all this slow he says he have a long time to do the things we want to do so we have at least a year or more to start putting away for a house or whatever, it'll be more like 3 years or so and we could put away a lot during that time.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 06:05 PM by txtqueen

9. One more piece of unsolicited advice: I believe that every woman should have her own money, no matter how wonderful and stable her relationship. If you choose to pool resources, pool resources, but make sure you have money and savings that are in just your name. And watch the beginning scenes from the Disney movie "UP" where they have to keep breaking their savings jar for ridiculously timed emergencies. I laugh and sigh every time I see it, because it is so true.

   Posted 05-27-2012 at 06:15 PM by eastwesteastagain

10. Quote: Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain One more piece of unsolicited advice: I believe that every woman should have her own money, no matter how wonderful and stable her relationship. If you choose to pool resources, pool resources, but make sure you have money and savings that are in just your name. And watch the beginning scenes from the Disney movie "UP" where they have to keep breaking their savings jar for ridiculously timed emergencies. I laugh and sigh every time I see it, because it is so true. Of course, I will have my money and him his, we'll have our pooled money but I will have my savings as well and my paycheck is my paycheck, we've just been solely using my money while there was a gap between leaving his old job and starting the new one.

    Posted 05-27-2012 at 06:44 PM by txtqueen

11. 	Why did he leave his old job? You told us he was on track to be a store manager and make $50,000. a year.
    	Posted 05-27-2012 at 07:14 PM by DewDropInn

12. 	Good advice from ewag!
    	Posted 05-27-2012 at 07:38 PM by Kibbiekat

13. 	I got married at 21, and my husband was 25. We don't have kids yet, and that's a sad point for us because we want kids.
    	Posted 05-27-2012 at 11:13 PM by psr13

14. Finish school before you settle down on a job to have the same hours as he has. My husband and I hardly see each other right now, but we know it'll be worth it in the end. He's working three jobs but getting the experience he needs to move up. I'm working varied shifts but about to start school again for math/ecoomics to either become an actuary or a math teacher. See, we know where are headed and are willing to sacrifice for it..

    Posted 05-27-2012 at 11:20 PM by psr13

15. 	Quote: Originally Posted by DewDropInn Why did he leave his old job? You told us he was on track to be a store manager and make $50,000. a year. They were doing illegal things at work and his managers started treating him differently and like ****. He was only making 9/hr, now he's making 13 and is always guaranteed 40 hours a week of work.
    	Posted 05-28-2012 at 11:56 AM by txtqueen

16. 	I got married about two months before I turned 21 and had my first and only child when I was 29
    	Posted 06-02-2012 at 09:58 PM by NEOhioBound

17. What about groceries? Renter's insurance? Emergency fund? Paying back your grandmother? Budget for gas, vehicle maintenance? Monthly budget for work/personal clothing? For two people with one car, your 1K budget when making 3k seems off with bills you haven't even listed Quote: Originally Posted by txtqueen We're pretty set right now. We're bringing in nearly $3000 a month between the two of us once his second paycheck hits, the first one will be small since its the first check but the others will be full checks. But we can pretty much cover our expenses with about $1000, our SET expenses. Rent/utilities/cable/internet is all bundled into $730, my cell, my car insurance all fits with in the $1000. But that means we pretty much have like $2000 after that where the majority can go into savings, so we have it really easy right now and I am so glad he's a great financial planner when it comes to this stuff because once we get the second car out of the way, the camping gear and the bed we are going to start putting away for even bigger ticket items like housing but he wants to take all this slow he says he have a long time to do the things we want to do so we have at least a year or more to start putting away for a house or whatever, it'll be more like 3 years or so and we could put away a lot during that time.

    Posted 06-02-2012 at 10:02 PM by NEOhioBound

18. Quote: Originally Posted by NEOhioBound What about groceries? Renter's insurance? Emergency fund? Paying back your grandmother? Budget for gas, vehicle maintenance? Monthly budget for work/personal clothing? For two people with one car, your 1K budget when making 3k seems off with bills you haven't even listed We're renting from his sister, living with her. We have $730 that covers rent, our portion of utilities, cable/internet, HOA, sewer/water/trash etc. $80 for my cell phone. $80 for my car insurance. gas varies. groceries vary But between the $730 and the $160 that's 890. Leaving $110 for groceries, which could last him and I a month. But the 2000 COVERS that other stuff. The 2000 is saving/spending money. The $1000 covers the essentials. But we plan on saving the majority of the 2000, which will go towards any emergency or whatnot and then the "free spending money" every month will go to clothes if we want them and we have some big ticket items that we are purchasing. Camping stuff, his car and a bed set since the dog ate our fitted sheet and we're using one that pretty much fits over the pillow top part and isn't deep enough to cover the rest of the mattress. And I don't plan on buying clothes every month, that's crazy. I'm done growing, I have plenty of clothes for summer. I just need some clothes for work if I were to ever get a job where I had to dress in business clothes. So until fall rolls around I don't NEED anything. Then when fall gets here, some long sleeve shirts and a few more pairs of jeans will do.

    Posted 06-03-2012 at 08:32 AM by txtqueen

19. No- you have to have a SET amount that you put into an emergency account and there is no such thing as "free spending money" You can't have a solid plan if you are just saying "we plan on" You have to say "each pay X$ goes to bills, Y$ goes into the emergency savings account and Z$ is for extras. You shouldn't be purchasing ANY big ticket items until your debt is paid off. You can't afford it. Get out of debt first, get at least 1K saved up in an emergency savings account, THEN save for whatever big purchase you think you must have And no one plans on buying clothes every month, but if you have a job, you should still BUDGET for a clothing allowance each month- I put 40$ into my clothing account each month for instance. Yes, not much (double goes into my son's clothing fund), but since I don't buy clothes every month, when I do go to do so, I have saved up for several months and can have a nice shopping trip. If you aren't budgeting for anything until you NEED something, the money won't be there.

    Posted 06-03-2012 at 09:57 AM by NEOhioBound

20. Quote: Originally Posted by NEOhioBound No- you have to have a SET amount that you put into an emergency account and there is no such thing as "free spending money" You can't have a solid plan if you are just saying "we plan on" You have to say "each pay X$ goes to bills, Y$ goes into the emergency savings account and Z$ is for extras. You shouldn't be purchasing ANY big ticket items until your debt is paid off. You can't afford it. Get out of debt first, get at least 1K saved up in an emergency savings account, THEN save for whatever big purchase you think you must have And no one plans on buying clothes every month, but if you have a job, you should still BUDGET for a clothing allowance each month- I put 40$ into my clothing account each month for instance. Yes, not much (double goes into my son's clothing fund), but since I don't buy clothes every month, when I do go to do so, I have saved up for several months and can have a nice shopping trip. If you aren't budgeting for anything until you NEED something, the money won't be there. So people who have a car payment, don't save up for things like concert tickets. You all have house payments, you're telling me all of you are waiting till your done with paying off your house to go on vacation, purchase a new vehicle, save up for christmas gifts. I'm calling bull****. I'm not waiting YEARS to get this car paid off before I do anything else. It's just like a car payment, I make a monthly X payment, and the rest of my income is MINE to spend and save how I want to. Don't pull that bull**** with me. Majority of people here are in debt, whether it's a loan for a house or car payments and I HIGHLY doubt they don't save up for the other things they want.

    Posted 06-03-2012 at 10:23 AM by txtqueen

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