NB: Though this question was asked on the "gay adoption" thread, I moved the answer over to here so as not to derail that thread and I thought this thread was more relevant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
Really susan, do you think these women are told they are not worthy of parenting as much as they might be counseled they do not have the maturity, financial resources, support to raise a child? I can't imagine any adoption agency actually telling a pregnant woman she is not worthy to be a parent. After all, these agencies are hoping to be picked to represent the birth Moms when arranging adoption.
Of course some women, especially younger ones might be made to feel inadequate (again financially, etc) but I see inadequateness and unworthiness as two entirely separate things.
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You might note I actually said "
feeling that they are not worthy to parent" - i.e. is different to someone actually saying "You are unworthy of parenting".
Also inadequateness and feelings of inadequateness are also two separate things. A woman who may be an adequate, perhaps even good, parent can be made to feel that she is inadequate before even given birth for reasons unrelated to her intrinsic self.
Btw the counselling takes place long before the agency. The NCFA's program is designed to be used by non-adoption social workers - it is result-significant, not individual-significant.
It would be OK if the program was used as it may well have been intended - i.e. to help those who truly are incapable of parenting (eg extremely drug addicted or mentally ill or who have had children removed before) to accept the inevitability of adoption. However, it seems it is quite often used on perfectly nice ladies whose main problem is that their pregnancy was unplanned.
In fact, the emphasis is on "unplanned". This works on two levels:
1) In the past, "we" considered "single motherhood" to be irresponsible, now the emphasis is on "unplanned" and by emphasising the fact that the pregnancy was "unplanned" and thus connecting it to "irresponsibility", the person being counselled starts to internalise the message "I had an unplanned pregnancy thus that makes me irresponsible, thus because unplanned pregnancy=irresponsible, I am not responsible enough to raise a child".
2) It also works on the level that if one has an unplanned pregnancy, one did not plan on having a child beforehand. It is often then made clear to the client that because she did not plan for the child, she will always be found "wanting" compared with those people who have been planning for children for ages and have failed to produce one.
I always wondered what exactly bothered me about the following article (apart from the 32 uses of the word selfish/selfless etc) and I realised it was the emphasis on the "unplanned" status of the pregnancy. The intrinsic personality and capabilities of the clients seemed to be irrelevant - their unplanned pregnancy status was the main factor as to why the author felt they shouldn't parent:
http://www.heartbeatinternational.org/pdf/missing_piece.pdf
The next thin is the "Biology means nothing" mantra.
Now I will say the following disclaimers:
1) The "biology means nothing" mantra is of course a wonderful thing when it comes to love between a parent and child and vice versa
2) This does not mean that "biology means everything" either, not a single person on here has said that.
However, sometimes the "biology means nothing" mantra can be taken a bit far. Even those trying for a baby through IVF can be made to feel guilty for wanting to have a baby biological related to them. There is nothing wrong with people wanting to have biological babies - my APs and many other people's APs tried first to have bio babies and then adopted - so what? In fact, when it comes to newborn adoption, on the whole, it is the norm, and nothing wrong with that.
When it comes to counselling, the woman is told that she needs to put that biological relationship aside. When it comes to asking what she can offer a child compared with other people, she is expected to put that relationship aside and consider it of no importance when making that list. Even the fact that she is expected to make a list
COMPARING HERSELF TO OTHERS is designed to accentuate her inadequacies. In the end, she can end up making the decision re her baby's future as if she is no importance to the child at all except as a vessel for carrying the child for others.
It is that
COMPARING HERSELF TO OTHERS that, to me, is a problem in a lot of adoption counselling. She should be concentrating on her baby and then herself - forget about the others. There will always be those better than all of us - so what? In what other aspect of life are we expected to make importnt decisions because there are others better than us? Aren't we all supposed to do what is best for our situation?
That is why I am saying it is imprtant that a woman make a decision for her child's future based on
HER SITUATION - not on what she can do
COMPARED WITH OTHERS.
Also, I believe in moving forward - if at 3 months pregnant, a woman doesn't have the resources to riase a child, does that mean that everything should remain still? Pregnancies do last 9 months for many reasons, one of them being to help women get ready for birth. Thus an otherwise mature and responsible lady with limited resources and support may, with the help of a good unbiased counsellor, at least find more resources and support and, even if she still choses adoption, she will be in a better shape than before. One thing that many birthmoms will tell you, even the most content ones, is that very little counselling was done to help them to improve their lives in general.
So one can ask two questions:
1) I see you are pregnant, feeling vulnerable and have limited resources etc and are considering your parenting options (i.e. both parenting and adoption). Both are good options but why don't we put that aside right now and get you to a place where you feel less vulnerable so that you can make the decision re your child's future in as best a positoin as possible;
or
2) I see you are pregnant, feeling vulnerable and have limited resources right now etc and are considering your parenting options (i.e. both parenting and adoption). The fact that you have limited resources right now means you are not in a shape to parent, full stop. Let's face it, even if we found all the resources for you to parent, there will always be others more capable of you waiting to parent -
LET'S COMPARE YOU TO OTHERS.
Here is a link to the NCFA program:
https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/training/birthparent-counseling-training.html
One reason I keep pointing out on other threads the importance of understanding the meaning of figures (eg are unwed/young mothers more likely to be from poverty-ridden backgrounds or do they become poverty-ridden because of their unwed status) is that these figures are being quoted in such a way that many women end up thinking that poverty is inevitable. In some cases, that can be ridiculous - I read a Mormon article where the Elder counselled a woman with supportive parents by telling her that her child would end up in poverty and quoting figures that had no relationship to her situation.
Btw in regards to all those "consider your option" questions, one notes that the client is asked all those questions not so much to see how they can answer them but more to overwhelm them.
The problem with all the above programs etc is that they are result-significant counselling not individual-specific counselling, it is not even relevant how she feels about parenting or not at the time of the counselling - it is designed more at changing a woman's thinking so that she comes to a particular decision. It involves asking questions, quoting facts and "channelling the child" in such a way, that, really, there is only one outcome. It is
It reminds me a bit of the "Magic numbers" game that one plays (of course, just an algebraic equation).
It involves asking a number X, doubling it, adding Y, halving the number, then subtracting you strated with and you get half of Y. Thus the important number is not the one you started with, the important number is the one in the question - thus by asking the question, you get the answer you desire. Thus, result-significant counselling is designed to get the result you want by asking the right questions - this is how the above counselling works.
Note that not all counselling is as above. I certainly hope that the bmothers of all your babies and all the bmoms on here got decent individual specific counselling. If so, then goodoh.
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