[Suncoast Guy]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

[Suncoast Guy]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or "That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[Rainbow Island]

Dear Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

[Rainbow Island]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[Rainbow Island]

Finally, someone has explained this.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition

or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C., has recently

revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings

a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches

off the dot to see whether he's won a convenience store, a gas station,

a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in America. If nothing is there, he

must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical support.

[Gunluvver2]

Originally Posted by sandgirl

SLOW DAY IN TEXAS

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

************************************************** *****
That is the best explanation of economics I have ever heard.

GL2

[joe530]

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder."

[joe530]

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[joe530]

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

[Rainbow Island]

The Man Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store Operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as you ascend through the building. You may
choose any item from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
Building.

A woman visits the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.

On the second floor, she sees a sign that reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good Looking.

"Wow!" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
And help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
To the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
With housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
On this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
Impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

- - - - - - - - - -

To avoid gender-bias charges, the Husband Store's owner opens a
New Wife Store just across the street.

Floor 1 has a sign that reads; Women that love sex.

Floor 2 has a sign that reads; Women that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.