My husband wants to move and I dont...plz respond ASAP (San Diego: home, job market)

[Jonotastic]

Originally Posted by Bella85

I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband and I live in San Diego right now. I have lived here my entire life, he has lived here for 4 years. We have been together for 2 years. We have a 1 yr old son and a baby due in March. He wants to move to Plumas County in Norther CA soon after the baby is born. I do not. I am currently in school working on my pre-med requirements I will be done in two years. I just recently decided to go to medical school. I was studying psychology and have my BA in Psych. My husband says that I can go to school up there at Reno or Chico and doesn't think I should go to medical school. He is miserable here. He has been unemployed for 6 months and makes little effort to find a job. He helps out only a little. We live in a studio in the back of my parents house and don't pay rent. He hates it. He is not fond of my family, even though they do so much for us. They buy our son everything he could possibly need and have offered to help pay for my husbands schooling.

I don't know what to do. He is saying he might just leave not matter what, even if I don't go. He says its unfair to make him stay here and that I should compromise. I told him if I could just finish my pre med requirements I would look into going to medical school close (not in) Plumas county (like Davis, CA). He says no he doesn't want to wait 2 years to not move there. It has to be Plumas county it can't be any where else either. I am not sure what to do. I want to finish my education so that I can provide a good life for my children and so that I can have a job that I enjoy doing, but I don't want to be a single mom either.

Any suggestions are welcome....even if you tell me I am being selfish and unreasonable.

Oh and my other concern would be going to medical school in a place with no support...my family helps out a lot right now including financially.

Tell him to move and if he lands a job making $$$, then you and your child will move. However, just moving with him with no guarentees, is irresponsible of you as a MOTHER. You should look into a marriage counslor or even consider a divorce (based on the info you gave).

[jaada]

getting a divorce is not the answer, a marriage is worth fighting for, for you and for your kids, you will regret it if you leave him over something as trivial as location. what does he plan to do once you move? does he have job plans? house plans? also as far as paying for school, i am sure you know you can get financial aid right

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by dweej

I'm gonna to jump on the assumption bandwagon, too! First: your hubby loves you and his children. You love him and your children. That needs to be the foundation of whatever decision you make. Put that in the forefront of your mind.

Now onto my only-a-BA-in-psychology analysis . Your hubby wants to go back home because his memories of there were easy and good. He associates that place with a less stressful time, a time when he was his own man, not living in someone else's home. He subconsciously thinks that by going back there, everything will be "like it was." Also, you've always lived here, and are now living with mom and dad again, so you have that feeling of familiarity and comfort. He has gone through as many transitions as you have in the last 2 years, except he's doing it on unfamiliar turf. He's homesick. When you spell it out like that, of course it sounds kinda silly, but haven't we all felt like that at some point in our lives?

Now, this is not so say that you should up and move. Knowing where he's coming from might make it easier for you to negotiate though....

My recommendation to you is that you *both* compromise. Moving into the parent's place seemed like a good idea, but that is the crux of this problem (I promise, it is). He doesn't feel like he "has to" get out there and get a job, because you and mom and pop have got it all under control. You guys do need to move, but not all the way up north. Just move into your own apartment. You can continue with school, he can go back to being responsible for bringing home some of the bacon, and both of you will have a feeling of accomplishment that you weathered a real rough patch in your relationship (there will be more, but the first bad one always comes as a surprise....).

Good luck and let us know what you decide!

~dweej

I agree 100%. Based on what you've said, I am not pleased with how your husband is acting, but I don't think divorce is necessarily the answer. Too many people give up too easily, and your husband might just be chafing under your parents' roof. I think you should stay close to your parents, for the sake of your schooling and your parents' help with daycare, but I agree that you should try to move and stand on your own feet as a family as best you can. I think a good compromise is to move into your own place once your husband finds a job and you two build up some savings. Maybe that goal will light a fire under him and get him out of the house.

I'm glad you're going to counseling. Don't give up, and try everything you can to save your marriage. Of course you can't do it all yourself, but give it all you can. Best wishes to all of you.

[Jonotastic]

Originally Posted by jaada

getting a divorce is not the answer, a marriage is worth fighting for, for you and for your kids, you will regret it if you leave him over something as trivial as location. what does he plan to do once you move? does he have job plans? house plans? also as far as paying for school, i am sure you know you can get financial aid right

A piece of paper is not worth your life. Yes, some marriages are worth working out and some are NOT. Especially, when you are still fairly young, this is your life, you only live it ONCE. Witnessing a sad mother or parents who fight continuously is much WORSE than having divorced parents, trust me on that. From what the OP said, her husband doesn't help her out at all, doesn't have a job, is putting his fantasy dreams above his wife and his OWN DAUGHTER! The fact he hints he will do it with or without his family shows his lack of concern. Remember this is your life, you brought a child into this world, look out for what's best for your child and yourself.

[JustJulia]

Marriage is not a piece of paper.

[cabolissa]

Originally Posted by Jonotastic

A piece of paper is not worth your life. Yes, some marriages are worth working out and some are NOT. Especially, when you are still fairly young, this is your life, you only live it ONCE. Witnessing a sad mother or parents who fight continuously is much WORSE than having divorced parents, trust me on that. From what the OP said, her husband doesn't help her out at all, doesn't have a job, is putting his fantasy dreams above his wife and his OWN DAUGHTER! The fact he hints he will do it with or without his family shows his lack of concern. Remember this is your life, you brought a child into this world, look out for what's best for your child and yourself.

Children

[sav858]

Originally Posted by jaada

getting a divorce is not the answer, a marriage is worth fighting for, for you and for your kids, you will regret it if you leave him over something as trivial as location. what does he plan to do once you move? does he have job plans? house plans? also as far as paying for school, i am sure you know you can get financial aid right

This isn't just about location, this about the future of her life and family. Moving to Plumas County will prevent the OP from becoming a doctor b/c there are no medical schools anywhere nearby. That is very important for the future well being of her children and herself. And with the support her parents give her, this is just more than just location but also having a support system at a time one is sorely needed.

I'm gonna agree with other posters that this guys sounds shady with giving BS ultimatums and is not willing to compromise on anything. Divorce may be the answer when you're dealing with a thick headed, selfish jerk like that who puts his own personal desires above the needs of his own family. This guy seems to want what is best for him, not his wife or family and that is incredibly selfish.

[cabolissa]

Originally Posted by sav858

This isn't just about location, this about the future of her life and family. Moving to Plumas County will prevent the OP from becoming a doctor b/c there are no medical schools anywhere nearby. That is very important for the future well being of her children and herself. And with the support her parents give her, this is just more than just location but also having a support system at a time one is sorely needed.

I'm gonna agree with other posters that this guys sounds shady with giving BS ultimatums and is not willing to compromise on anything. Divorce may be the answer when you're dealing with a thick headed, selfish jerk like that who puts his own personal desires above the needs of his own family. This guy seems to want what is best for him, not his wife or family and that is incredibly selfish.

They both sound selfish and immature to me, frankly.

[sav858]

Originally Posted by cabolissa

They both sound selfish and immature to me, frankly.

the wife is willing to compromise and move to Northern CA, the husband is not compromising on anything. So who is really the selfish one there? And of course that is aside from the fact that the husband wont get off his lazy butt and get a job and actually do something about his situation, which is very selfish IMO.

[JustJulia]

Hey, the OP is obviously already stressed and worried, and she said she loves her husband and doesn't want to be a single mom. We only know part of the story, and it's not really helpful to simply trash her husband and push her toward divorce. Sometimes people say things they don't mean, especially when they're depressed and anxious, and we have very little information to go on here.