My husband wants to move and I dont...plz respond ASAP (San Diego: renting, student loan)

[Bella85]

I will try to make this as short as possible. My husband and I live in San Diego right now. I have lived here my entire life, he has lived here for 4 years. We have been together for 2 years. We have a 1 yr old son and a baby due in March. He wants to move to Plumas County in Norther CA soon after the baby is born. I do not. I am currently in school working on my pre-med requirements I will be done in two years. I just recently decided to go to medical school. I was studying psychology and have my BA in Psych. My husband says that I can go to school up there at Reno or Chico and doesn't think I should go to medical school. He is miserable here. He has been unemployed for 6 months and makes little effort to find a job. He helps out only a little. We live in a studio in the back of my parents house and don't pay rent. He hates it. He is not fond of my family, even though they do so much for us. They buy our son everything he could possibly need and have offered to help pay for my husbands schooling.

I don't know what to do. He is saying he might just leave not matter what, even if I don't go. He says its unfair to make him stay here and that I should compromise. I told him if I could just finish my pre med requirements I would look into going to medical school close (not in) Plumas county (like Davis, CA). He says no he doesn't want to wait 2 years to not move there. It has to be Plumas county it can't be any where else either. I am not sure what to do. I want to finish my education so that I can provide a good life for my children and so that I can have a job that I enjoy doing, but I don't want to be a single mom either.

Any suggestions are welcome....even if you tell me I am being selfish and unreasonable.

Oh and my other concern would be going to medical school in a place with no support...my family helps out a lot right now including financially.

[Adriatica]

You need marital counseling. If he won't go, then you go alone. There are a number of problems in this situation and none of them can be addressed by strangers on the internet.

[Bella85]

We have the marital counseling set up to start at the begining of the new year, I just thought I could get some outside, unbiased opinions.

[sav858]

So you are trying to become a DOCTOR and he is trying to force you to move out in the middle of nowhere with little job opportunities. Don't take offense but I'm just going to give you my personal, honest opinion based on what you have said so far.

Sorry but your husband doesn't sound like a very rational or reasonable person at all. He's unemployed, not trying to find a job, and you're trying to become a doctor! And further more he wants you to give up trying to become a doctor and go to some second rate school like UNR or Chico State!?!? By agreeing to go to Davis I think you've compromised quite enough there considering you have a good situation being able to live with your parents and have their support. If your husband can provide the same level of support as them then it might make sense to go, but it doesn't appear that he can at all let along support himself considering he doesn't have a job. Better to be jobless in a place like SD where there are plenty of jobs available than Plumas County.

You are NOT being selfish and unreasonable, your husband is. You are trying to better yourself for the sake and well being of your family while your husband is basically trying to drag you down. WTF does he even want to move to some podunk, middle of nowhere county like Plumas for anyways? I'm no marriage counselor but your husband sounds like some selfish loser trying to make sure you don't succeed. I mean, who the hell discourages their wife from becoming a DOCTOR?!?!? You have so much support already there and you'll be better off letting him leave and becoming a doctor in the long run IMHO. From not knowing either of you this seems like a no brainer to me but I don't know how strong your marriage is or how good of a person your husband is overall, so I'm just going off what you have said so far. Sorry but I would never ask my wife to do something so backwards if I was in that situation.

Do what you WANT and NEED to do b/c you actually have goals and a plan, and damn good ones too. He has nothing as far as I can tell and will have even less if he leaves. You have the advantage here, he does not.

[cabolissa]

You need to face the music and speak with your mate. I don't think it's fair to bash the guy automatically, it takes two to tango, and now that you've got a kid, you're both responsible for supporting your new family.
If your husband doesn't have a job, and your a student while the three of you are living at your parents, I'm assuming you're not employed either? Why would you add at least $130K+ of student loan debt to this equation (AAMC Reporter: January 2008: With Debt on the Rise, Students and Schools Face an Uphill Battle (http://www.aamc.org/newsroom/reporter/jan08/debt.htm - broken link))? This is not counting the other 2-3 years of your undergraduate education (you said "pre-med") which can run up to $75k. Also, it takes an average of 11 years to become a basic physician, and assuming you've completed 2 years, you still have 9 to go. This is if you do NOT want to specialize. Then you can add 2-5 years on top of that.
Also, didn't you say you have a 1 year old but have only been together for 2 years? That means that you got pregnant within 3 months of meeting this guy? Who's going to take care of your child while you are a full-time student in a very rigorous program, mind you, often studying 5 hours a day outside of classes? Your child will be 10 years old before you become a dr. and will barely see you. Maybe he's right. The time to have done this was BEFORE you had kids, or after they're a little older, at LEAST in school themselves. Why not become a nurse, which is a great profession and very well paid. You can finish your BSN in 4 years (2 of which you already have if you're doing pre-med or biomed) and you can sit for the boards for your RN license. You can work 3 10-hour shifts/week and be paid for full time. It's a great choice for working moms.

I don't blame him for feeling like he doesn't belong under your parents' roof. If you guys are going to work this out, you have to do it together. It's incredibly emasculating for him in the current situation, not to mention that your family is probably very involved in your relationship and the parenting/care of your kid.

You have to decide if you want to be with him or not. If you do, you both must compromise and start your life together with respect for both of your needs and desires but mostly the needs of your innocent child. You must be realistic. You both owe it to your child.

[CA central coast]

marital counseling, sure. he sounds like he may need one on one counseling in addition. I would strongly recommend you DO NOT leave your support system right now.

[cabolissa]

Originally Posted by Brittney85

Any suggestions are welcome....even if you tell me I am being selfish and unreasonable.
Oh and my other concern would be going to medical school in a place with no support...my family helps out a lot right now including financially.

YES!

OMG, I just re-read your original post, and realized that you said you're expecting #2 in March??? Correct me, but does that mean that you gave birth around December of 2007, and turned around to get pregnant the following May (not even a 1/2 a year later)??? What kind of decisions are those?

How old are you? Are you even married? I'm sure your parents are blaming this all on your guy, which is why he doesn't like them, but you have to take some responsibility for your situation too!!!

You need to get your act together and support your family. What are you thinking?!

[BRinSM]

well, in defense of your husband, i can definitely see where he's coming from with living with his inlaws. My inlaws aren't bad people, but the thought of living with them for an extended amount of time is certainly not on my christmas list. 2 years is a long time too, especially when you are already in a tough spot and have to look forward to 2 more years of the same. Maybe you should talk to his friends in your area (hopefully he has some) and see if they won't mind trying to encourage him a little.

Also, what is in Plumas county anyways? That seems like an odd place to want pack up and move to.

[bhcompy]

my wife did the same thing in a previous marriage. left her support blanket and moved to a rural area in the pacific northwest with her deadbeat exhusband. didnt work out too well and she was lucky to get away. education is worth more than any spouse, even if you have children. cant feed the kids if noone is educated, and it sounds like the spouse isnt. a BA in psych doesnt get you too much alone

[bhcompy]

Originally Posted by cabolissa

OMG, I just re-read your original post, and realized that you said you're expecting #2 in March??? Correct me, but does that mean that you gave birth around December of 2007, and turned around to get pregnant the following May (not even a 1/2 a year later)??? What kind of decisions are those?

How old are you? Are you even married? I'm sure your parents are blaming this all on your guy, which is why he doesn't like them, but you have to take some responsibility for your situation too!!!

You need to get your act together and support your family. What are you thinking?!

probably a little late for criticism eh? shes doing premed and planning on medschool. sounds like shes taking care of business.