A venting thread... (child, parent, spouse, father)

[Inkpoe]

I come in this forum every now and then, but never actually posted yet. I'm not sure if there's a venting thread in which everyone can just unload... OR is that the intent of this forum as everyone's situation is unique?

I don't know, I'm just really frustrated with my family. Certain members, at least...

My situation:

My dad was given 18 months to live. It was established by all of us (me and 2 siblings) that my brother would be the main caretaker and that I would be the back-up and that while my brother work, I'd take my dad to his doctor's appointments and such. Dad didn't want to move back to Seattle, so that meant we had to move to the other side of the country. My brother is single, no kids, no significant other. I am married with kids. My brother went over there first and my husband was left with the task of getting my brother's condo ready to rent, which meant packing his stuff, storing his stuff and fixing the condo up to be rent ready. My husband also had our house to deal with as well. He stayed back in Seattle for a little over a month doing all this. And when he finally showed up at my father's doorstep, my brother turns and goes: "Oops, gotta be back in Seattle. I just forgot I gotta fix up my condo and sell it first." And leaves. He doesn't pay my husband for the storage (doesn't see the need as we have some of our stuff there) nor for the work that my husband done on his condo. Oh, he swore up and down that he was coming back, just that he's got stuff he has to do first.

Well, it's now over 2 years later. My dad is still alive, though he has deteriorated physically and mentally a lot. Dad is also, because of his condition, very antagonistic and oppositional... I have a hard time getting him to take his meds-- and he has 4 different sets of meds that he needs to take different times of the day! My brother has never returned. My husband and I are alone dealing with this and running ragged. On atop of what's going on, we also have to deal with him being foul and rude at times with our young kids.

Recently, he slapped my 20 months old child... no warning and the situation didn't warrant any discipline or physical punishment. We are at the end of our rope because my dad doesn't own up to his actions, doesn't care about or honor any requests we make, doesn't really care to change his behavior and actions. I've finally sent an email to my mother and sister, basically to enlist their help in trying to persuade my brother into coming back.

So my mother asked my brother who of course doesn't give her an answer and conveniently disappears on her. She then starts to tell me that I "hurt" my brother's feelings and now he's "depressed". I pointed out to her that he's had no right to be "depressed" or "hurt" given the last 2 years, he's done nothing but play video games, take little trips around the state (WA) and hang out with his friends in bars. He didn't even fix up his condo and never tried to sell it like he said he was going to do. This now become a source of tension between my mother and I because she's upset that I don't appreciate the "hardship" that my brother had to go through for my dad... briefly. I seriously want to kick my mother in the face right now.

At least, on the bright side, my sister is going to come for a week to give us a few days off. It's going to be our first mini-vacation, and we're going to Gatlinburg, TN. I'm thankful for that.

[wannagonorth]

Oh boy.... The problem with all these situations is that hindsight is the only thing that helps you see them even remotely clearly. Not to say it's 20-20 as is claimed, but even remotely clearly. Looking forward, everything you think you see is likely to be proven wrong in the fullness of time. Your father is still alive, much longer than expected. Your brother didn't do what he promised to do. You have brought a new child into the mix, apparently. You never expected your father to be abusive to the child, but he is, and impossible to get along with for anybody else.

I'm assuming your parents don't live together and that's why your Mom is not his caregiver. Don't expect your brother to come back. He sized up the situation and got out while the getting was good (meaning, while there was someone there on whom to dump this responsibility - you!). You really can't expect people who commit to an unknown sacrifice for an indefinite period of time in advance to live up to that commitment once the conditions become known, or change.

Be grateful for the brief relief offered by your sister, but it isn't a solution. It sounds like your Dad had dementia and his home has become an unsafe place for your family to continue living. It's time to have social services evaluate him for possible nursing home placement. You need to get your family out of there, IMO. There's nobody willing or able to share the burden and it's become too much for you and your family alone.

Taking care of elderly family at home is a lovely idea but in many cases it's just not workable. There's not enough support, and the stress fractures families and wrecks the life and sanity of the primary caregiver. Good luck.

[willow wind]

OP- I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you have to accept you're pretty much in this alone ( you & your hubby). It's a thankless task.

The person you knew as your dad is mentally gone. Your father has some form or Alzheimer's/ dementia. The severe personality change is a good indication of that. It only gets worse, much worse. You need to speak to his doctor's about his behavior now. Explain about his anger, refusal to cooperate, etc. Depending on what type of dementia he has, if they can even figure it out, they may be able to help some - or not. But try.

Then accept the fact that your father can no longer live at home. Unless you can watch him like a hawk 24/7, as he may begin to wander at night, your children are not safe. He may even begin to lash out or take a swing at you. This is the ugliness of what happens when the mind goes long before the body does.

Talk to an elder care specialist/ social worker in your community. Figure out what kind of placements are available and how he can financially get into a facility. If he as to go on Medicaid to do so, start figuring out how to spend down his money, etc.

If you haven't already done so, it's time to set up end of life care paperwork. You'll need both a financial and medical power of attorney, you may have to go to the courts to have him declared incompetent and yourself appointed as conservator. Then you will be able to make decisions for him that he is not going to be able to make himself. Once that is in place, it will be time to place him a facility.

This is going to be the hardest and most heartbreaking thing you're going to do in your life. But it has to be done- without guilt. One of the worst things is that you're not going to get the support you need from your brother or your mother. Don't be surprised if your mother becomes angry at you for placing your father. She hasn't a clue. Your sister will get it after she spends a week or so alone with your father. Your brother could care less. However, since you're the caregiver, you have to do what is best for your and you dad.

Your children cannot grow up afraid of their grandfather. What kind of memories would that be? You and your husband need to realize your marriage and your children come first. Thus, you make the decisions and follow through on them. Yes, it's terrible that life is not a TV movie where the elderly family member passes on at home, surrounded by family and says his loving good byes to his offspring. You didn't get dealt that hand. Just do the best you can without guilt. Please, no guilt.

[runswithscissors]

Oh hell no.

I assume your family moved into your PARENT'S home?

MOVE OUT.

NOW.

Your responsibilities are to your children and marriage NOT your parents - to be the cheap free caregiver who has her children abused to save the abusers money.

And if your father was a nice guy BEFORE his affliction, he'd certainly agree. If NOT, then who cares?

PACK UP AND GO ASAP. LIKE TOMORROW.

THEN you can deal with your mother and her new reality.

WAIT. Your SISTER is doing YOU a favor spending a FEW DAYS?

GURL. Don't go back. Leave HER there to figure it out LOL.

[silibran]

I think you should have had your father moved to be closer to you, rather than the other way round. But hindsight is 20/20. You need to find a way to get your father into assisted care or into an LTC, whichever he qualifies for. I don't understand where your mom is in this. She lives with her husband but can't be caregiver? Or she lives elsewhere?

You can't go on like this. It isn't fair to your family to be subjected to the difficulties of your father's deterioration. He won't want to go, but he must. Call your sibs and tell them that he has to be moved. Find out from either an attorney or a social worker how to go about this. ALF's usually have caseworkers on site to assist with this.

I hope you have POA. If you don't, you need to obtain, if you can. If your mom has POA, then have her give this power also to you. But, your dad needs a physical, if he hasn't had one, to get a diagnosis that can be used to claim expenses for tax purposes.

I don't know how else to advise you because you left so many details out of your story. But, you need should not be carrying this burden by yourself. So, start the ball rolling to make a big change.

Your dad has dementia, I think. He isn't able to control himself, or perhaps his personality has changed, or perhaps simply become worse. Since he has slapped your baby, you know you have to leave, or he does. You will never win an argument with someone who has dementia. You cannot insure that he won't do this again. So, it is up to you to force a change. Do this ASAP.

[Inkpoe]

Thank you all.

My mother and father been happily divorced for over 20 years. My mother is a very overbearing, dictating and controlling person; so she does loom largely in the picture. I would not have her physically around my dad for she antagonize him before... she'd really get him agitated now. I had hope that maybe she could spur my brother into helping me, especially since he still talks about wanting to help my dad. I don't think she really had any conversation with him-- but honestly I don't know. It was just her whole "Poor (brother)" and telling me that I should apologize to him that got me really annoyed. If the situation was switched where it was my brother asking for help, my mother would still be all "Poor (brother)." And she would've started clamping down on me into doing the "right" thing.



I'm not sure if what father has be called dementia. His body isn't functioning/processing correctly, so the high ammonia really affects his brain. He has his good days and his bad. He is still deteriorating, regardless.


As it is, we are now in our trailer we just brought on my father's property. My husband is looking around for houses or land (for trailer) to rent.

I can't leave my dad, I know I would feel incredibly guilty. I'll admit to being completely clueless (and uncomfortable) about the legal aspects. I haven't started the End of life care paper work process, I have a hard time getting him to even talk about funeral/burial process. My sister would actually be better at getting him to talk about this, so I'll have to pass the info onto her and see if she can get more out of him. If not, we'll have a discussion about what to do while she's here (after my mini-vacation).

[brokensky]

Do either you or your husband have actual jobs - paying jobs?

Here's the thing . . . you have gotten yourself into a terrible situation (for raising children, especially) because you say you will feel like a bad person if you "don't help your Dad."

Yet, it appears no one is worrying about you or feeling like a terrible person b/c of the situation you are in and what your children are being exposed to.

Get jobs, pack up and move. You don't owe any explanations to anyone. One of the problems with this situation is depending on others to help you in a situation you willingly jumped into. You are stuck with the DUTIES but you don't have any CONTROL and you haven't, for over two years. And when others see they can get away with that, of course they are going to leave you stranded -- after all, it was your decision to put yourself in that position! How easy for them to fall back on -- "well, her decision. She will feel awful if she isn't there, so . . . far be it from me to interfere." You gave them all permission to leave you there, essentially.

After all, you didn't have to STAY. But you have. And now your children are being exposed to your father's situation.

Time to move on. Your mother isn't responsible; she and your dad are divorced. As far as your siblings, leave them holding the bag. Your father doubtless qualifies for some kind of state assistance and since he didn't provide for his OWN WELFARE, time he and the state figure it out.

Stop aiming your anger at your siblings and mother and start fighting for your CHILDREN'S WEFARE instead of your FATHER's.

[Briolat21]

OP:

You say your father isn't functioning/processing correctly and then mention ammonia - is your father on Dialysis?

If so, that's basically considered to be End-Stage-Renal disease, and while dialysis is very hard on folks, its still no excuse for physically lashing out.

No doubt your father is very frustrated with the situation (being old and sick can make even the nicest people awful on occasion) as are you. It can be very hard to help someone you love when the ultimate outcome is known to be death.

Its possible you just need to keep your kids away from your dad (keep them to your part of the property) for a while - especially if he's prone to lashing out.

I agree - its unlikely that your brother is ever going to step up. Mentally you'll be better off if you just forget he exists. Otherwise you're going to drive yourself crazy saying "if he'd only"... because he won't.

Similarly, your mother is clearly no help in this situation.

Since your sister is going to give you a quick break and you think she might be better at getting info about legal things, have her do that.

What kind of assistance does your father currently need? Originally you were just supposed to be providing back up (driving your father to appointments, etc..). Is that still the case? If so - see what other organizations might exist that can fulfill that role (a lot of counties/cities have low-cost bus or cab transport for the elderly/disabled).

Are you or your husband able to work in the area you've now moved to? Your life will be much better if your familiy's finances are separate from those of your father.

From a legal standpoint - if your father requires assistance with managing his household (paying his bills, arranging for repairs, etc..) then you (or your sister) should really have POA.

You (or your sister, or both) should also have health-care proxy, so that if something were to happen to him where he could not make decisions for himself, you'd be able to speak on his behalf.

(that means you need to talk to him about what he wants in those situations).

Best of luck to you OP - I hope that you and your family (including your father) get through this as best you can.

[Marlow]

1. Forget about your brother. He's gone and not coming back. And he's never going to pay storage fees, or for anything else your husband did for him. He's a deadbeat and they never change.

2. Ignore your mother. She's not married to your father and has "poor baby brother" syndrome. No matter what you do, she's always going to sympathize with your brother.

3. Is your father on hospice? If so, talk to the social worker about placing him in a facility. If he's not, see if he qualifies for hospice services and also see about placing him in a facility. Regardless of the cause of his mental impairment, it sounds like he needs 24 hour supervision and that's too much for you with your young children.

4. If you don't have a POA for your father, get one now. Today if possible. You can often find the forms and the directions for filling them out online. Just google "Power of Attorney in 'Your State.'"

When I was in a similar situation and finally realized that neither of my brothers was ever going to do anything to help me, it actually made it easier for me to do what needed to be done. Make the best decisions you can under the circumstances and don't look back or second guess yourself. Good luck to you.

[silibran]

Whenever I visited my mom, I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish, to take some of the burden off my sibling who did the day to day care of mom. I suggest your sis come ready with a list of things she intends to accomplish. Doing end of life things would be on the list.

I stand by what I posted before. You can't go on living like this. You and your spouse need jobs and you need to move on with your lives. Figure out how to help your dad, and don't stop your life while waiting for him to pass.