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Yes, to the bolded point above. But correct, she doesn't feel comfortable leaving behind, for any length of time. A long weekend, she'll do, .. but much more than that, she wants to make sure he's with her, so she can help look after him.
Do they have any adult children? Any family member that could stay with him, while your SIL visits longer?
I'm sorry if I missed it(I saw that he is bipolar) but can he really not be left alone or this used as an excuse for her not to stay longer?
Do they have any adult children? Any family member that could stay with him, while your SIL visits longer?
I'm sorry if I missed it(I saw that he is bipolar) but can he really not be left alone or this used as an excuse for her not to stay longer?
Hard for me to say, he isn't my husband, that I would love and worry about were I 1K miles away caring for my mother, and him not with me.
He manages his own life .. for the most part, daily. He does, occasionally, go manic .. and when he does, he becomes more animated than is typical for him, he has ideas that are grandiose ... and I suppose, left unchecked, might act on some of them, who knows. For instance, they were going to sell their home, at one point (according to him and his grandiosity) and move to "utah", and she was going to become a famous author. One would hope he wouldn't contact a realtor in her absence, and place the home on the market, .. only for her to then have to go home and undo that, and worse.
When he is manic, he wants to eat everything not nailed down (also not typical of him) and all the wrong things, .. he is a diabetic. And he becomes child-like, almost. If you deny a child a cookie, they might beg for more. Same with him, when he's manic. If she isn't there to keep that in check, serious consequences might result, I suppose.
Do they have any adult children that could camp there, while she's away caring for her mother. They have an adult daughter .. one I consider pretty self-absorbed, and I'm told is far too busy, with her own life/work schedule, to be called upon, she does live local. They have a grown son that has a family of his own, and lives, literally, on the other side of the world, .. 23 hour flight from home, .. his work is there. So, asking him to come for a stay with his dad, wouldn't really be practical.
Does sil's husband have any siblings? Yes, he does, and IMO, yes, they should be called upon, but it's not my red wagon to pull, thus I stay out of it. From what I understand her husband's bio family, they are all a bunch of big drinkers. Big drinking, and being on medication for BP disorder, as well as being a diabetic, not a good mix. Sil's husband, would likely be a big drinker himself (beer) were it not for the hyper vigilance of sil. I think, when he isn't manic, he certainly tows the line and sees the wisdom of eating right, etc. But when he is manic, Katie bar the door. Thus her hyper vigilance. So, to leave him in the care of his bio sisters/brothers, .. might be, at least in sil's mind, a bigger risk than she's willing to take.
Mil has extremely dry skin from Sjojourns (sp?) disease. Not a terminal condition, but one that leaves one with extremely dry mouth and dry skin, among other minor issues. Thus, there is a special cream that Clinique sells at their makeup counter, can only be purchased at the dept store ... I suppose online also, if given enough notice.
...
I like the suggestion about having sil order online, whatever extra essentials mil might have a need for, maybe we could work on instituting that kinda thing, that she could, mil could, if she just will, let her daughter know, "gee that skin cream bottle, is getting low .. I'm gonna be needing more of it". She could order it online. I like the idea.
In that case, because it is a medical reason, it does seem important that your MIL has the special cream. But, I am sure that she can tell when she is running low. And, I bet the SIL can order a larger quantity at one time and then it won't need to be ordered as often.
Yes, to the bolded point above. But correct, she doesn't feel comfortable leaving him behind, for any length of time. A long weekend, she'll do, .. but much more than that, she wants to make sure he's with her, so she can help look after him.
I misunderstood, I thought that your SIL's husband could not be left unsupervised at all and that is why she always brings him along. (I was feeling sympathy for her as I thought that she was like me, really not able to leave my husband at all when he is awake.I am even worried for his safety if I am gone for 10-15 minutes getting something from the storage room while he is asleep).
That is a lot different from her being able to leave her spouse alone for a long weekend. And, A LOT different than someone who has an adult child and relatives who can check on him & help him every day. Maybe, if SIL came by herself (at least sometimes) she could come twice as often as she only would have to buy one plane ticket.
Doesn't your SIL see the irony in that her daughter, who works full time is too busy to help grandma, but your daughters, who also work full time are given responsibility upon responsibility and if they can't do the work quick enough she browbeats them with texts & emails?
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-14-2016 at 03:05 PM..
^^^^ This. I also don't understand why the SIL who is retired can't come and stay for a month. Her husband is Bilpolar, so what? I have Bipolar in my family, it's easily managed with meds, it's not like the SIL has a husband at home that is a paraplegic and needs constant care.
That sounds like an excuse to me.
The SIL seems to have a lot to say, it's her mother as well as the OP"s husband. They should be the main players in this. Not the OP.
I think it was mentioned somewhere the SIL's husband and mother don't get along, so he can stay home. A long time married couple can use some time apart.....LOL.
Let the SIL come and stay for a month, not these quick visits. A month will give her an idea what her SIL and her nieces are doing for HER MOTHER.
Not everyone who is bi-polar is the same. It sounds like the SIL's is heavily medicated and doesn't really function sadly. He can't be left alone. MIL doesn't like him and verbalizes this.
Just because you, the lady down the street, or your friend Steve can go away for a month doesn't mean everyone can. Most people have responsibilities in their lives and things to take care of so they can't disappear for a month.
Many people live in denial about their parents. Definitely sounds like SIL and the husband are in denial. They could live with mom and still not see things because they don't want to see them.
I misunderstood, I thought that your SIL's husband could not be left unsupervised at all and that is why she always brings him along. (I was feeling sympathy for her as I thought that she was like me, really not able to leave my husband at all when he is awake.I am even worried for his safety if I am gone for 10-15 minutes getting something from the storage room while he is asleep).
That is a lot different from her being able to leave her spouse alone for a long weekend. And, A LOT different than someone who has an adult child and relatives who can check on him & help him every day. Maybe, if SIL came by herself (at least sometimes) she could come twice as often as she only would have to buy one plane ticket.
Doesn't your SIL see the irony in that her daughter, who works full time is too busy to help grandma, but your daughters, who also work full time are given responsibility upon responsibility and if they can't do the work quick enough she browbeats them with texts & emails? :smack:
Thus maybe, at least in part, there are the beginnings of some *resentment* on my part. Everyone of us on this end, because we live here, hop to ... and get it done. Yet on that end, no one is expected to inconvenience themselves at all. Her daughter "oh she works all the time, her life is far too crazy".
None of sil's husband's siblings live local to them. They are all within a few hours or more away. So shipping her husband off to one of his siblings would be a matter of getting him to that sibling, a few hours away. But as said before, she has concerns about leaving him in their care, because they are all big drinkers. Drinking and his condition(s) not a good mix.
As a rule, she doesn't really leave him alone. He does go off to the pharmacy all on his own, the hardware store (as part of their typical daily life). He goes to his doc appts./dental appts., etc., all on his own. To go away for a long weekend though, .. she really .. unless she would be a lot more assertive than she is, .. not her nature ... (unless it's with us, I suppose) ... she doesn't really have anyone reliable to ck in on her husband. Her daughter yes, she lives there, but see above "she's far too busy with her own life, she works all the time". So she wont' ask her daughter. Her son, they do have a son together, .. grown son with a family of his own, but he lives far far away, 23 hours by plane. And so asking him to come sit with his dad for a few weeks, not really practical.
Is sil, in the end, using the above as an "excuse" to not stay longer, or come more frequently. I really can't, objectively, answer that. I don't live there, I don't see what goes on, daily. I know that's her husband, and she loves him and cares deeply for him, and has taken such good care of him through the years with his BP condition and the more recent diabetes. I can't say what I would do given her shoes to walk in. I really just don't know. My husband is healthy, and he lives right here. Were I asked to go 1k miles away on any kind of regular basis, and/or for longer stays .. and had her struggles, I might would feel as she does.
Thank you germaine, well he can either come along or the SIL can have someone stay with him. If they have adult children or if the husband has any siblings.
I think the SIL staying longer will give her a better idea what the OP is going through.
Who would stay with SIL's husband? Who would pay for that care? Do you realize what that could do to someone who is bi-polar?
The OP is allowing herself and her daughters to be in this position. She has never put her foot down and said no. Until she starts saying no, she will continue to be a doormat.
Not everyone who is bi-polar is the same. It sounds like the SIL's is heavily medicated and doesn't really function sadly. He can't be left alone. MIL doesn't like him and verbalizes this.
Just because you, the lady down the street, or your friend Steve can go away for a month doesn't mean everyone can. Most people have responsibilities in their lives and things to take care of so they can't disappear for a month.
Many people live in denial about their parents. Definitely sounds like SIL and the husband are in denial. They could live with mom and still not see things because they don't want to see them.
I think you have pegged it precisely, on all points.
In that case, because it is a medical reason, it does seem important that your MIL has the special cream. But, I am sure that she can tell when she is running low. And, I bet the SIL can order a larger quantity at one time and then it won't need to be ordered as often.
Or be wild and crazy and buy 2-3 jars at a time and put them in the closet for the MIL. Shipping would also be far more worthwhile for 2-3 jars instead of 1.
Or be wild and crazy and buy 2-3 jars at a time and put them in the closet for the MIL. Shipping would also be far more worthwhile for 2-3 jars instead of 1.
Haha. Yes indeed, and I intend to suggest precisely that, along with the food supplements for the dog, and any other "essentials" that suddenly come up as an "urgent" need.
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