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Those are great ideas about reassessment and checking for hearing loss. Kathryn, I would feel the same way as you - why take away what she now has until you really have to? That time is probably coming soon enough, and maybe reassessment will tell you that it's time. Or maybe it will tell you that she is okay for now but will need another reassessment in six months or so.
I think it's kind of you to get her out twice a week. It is so hard to see decline in one's parent.
And I'm so sorry for the stress you must feel waiting for your brother's results. Hoping he will get some good news soon.
Those are great ideas about reassessment and checking for hearing loss. Kathryn, I would feel the same way as you - why take away what she now has until you really have to? That time is probably coming soon enough, and maybe reassessment will tell you that it's time. Or maybe it will tell you that she is okay for now but will need another reassessment in six months or so.
I think it's kind of you to get her out twice a week. It is so hard to see decline in one's parent.
And I'm so sorry for the stress you must feel waiting for your brother's results. Hoping he will get some good news soon.
Thank you.
Oh my gosh, I always feel like such a jerk though, even though I do things with my mom, because the entire time I'm with her my nerves are on edge - and then I feel guilty about it.
See, I've never, not once in my life, EVER, had what I consider to be a normal mother/daughter relationship with her. I take that back - I have one memory and that's when I told my parents I needed to divorce my (now ex) husband. My mom - that one time - took me aside and let me just talk - and then we went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and went into the woods together and sat on a big log and smoked about a billion cigarettes together (neither of us smoke) and she let me talk about how miserable my marriage was. That is truly the only nurturing thing I can remember her doing. She's just not wired together that way.
Every minute I'm with her, I'm surrounded by that very weird odor that makes me feel sick. I know that's horrible, but it's true - that odor she has is repellent to me, and then I feel guilty about feeling repelled by her. But it permeates the air, my car, her apartment, any chair she sits in, her clothes, her hair.
Just today I was thinking, "How I wish I could just go over to her apartment and sit down and talk with her about how much I want to help her. I wish I could think of something that I could ask her advice on - even if it's something made up - to try to engage her in some sort of conversation that doesn't have anything to do with her costume jewelry, her "panty pads" or her cat." I have tried several times to invite her to come over to my house for an afternoon, but the last several times she has been completely uninterested in doing that, but maybe I could try that again. I am sick to death of taking her shopping!!!! It is extremely frustrating and maddening to do this! But that seems to be all she wants to do. So I guess I'll keep doing it.
Yes thank you and I do believe she is going to need to be reassessed soon. And she will be, because she is going to have to change psychiatrists due to her program being discontinued, so they are supposed to call me next week. I am definitely going to suggest that she be reassessed as well as her meds.
I just want her to have the things she enjoys for as long as possible. She is VERY self contained so I have to look for other clues - she's sure not going to tell me. (Yes, the denial has been a constant her entire life.) Right now, she is keeping her apartment very neat and picked up, which tells me that she is trying very hard to stay where she is (since the administrator told her that was a requirement). I hate to see her trying so hard but then yank the rug out from under her in spite of her efforts.
Sigh.
I'm so glad to hear that a reassessment will be happening soon! See, I think it will also help you very much, because of all the responsibility and concerns you have for her.
You'll have relief if she's still in a status quo of her last assessment, or you will have the clarity of knowing that next step is to be taken, and it's not something you have done, but rather a reflection of her condition.
Sometimes these separations are hard to maintain. You have this great heart of love for her, not withstanding all the destruction and pain she has brought to you during your whole life. I truly see this as a gift from God because of your faith and your faithfulness to her. Comes back to the truth that love is not always what you feel, but what you do.
And you are doing that love, in an incredibly faithful manner!
Oh my gosh, I always feel like such a jerk though, even though I do things with my mom, because the entire time I'm with her my nerves are on edge - and then I feel guilty about it.
I had those exact same feelings of guilt due to mom being on my nerves, mainly since my dad died. I never had what I considered a close relationship with her but have always cared for her. And when she indicated several years ago that she felt close to me, it made me feel very uneasy and pressured.
Now that my mom's dementia has really progressed, however, even things about her that used to drive. me. crazy. don't bother me as much anymore. I don't get to spend much time with her, but any day that I see her and she's in a good mood, it's a plus for me.
We need to let go of unproductive and unnecessary guilt - I'm talking to myself as much as to you! There is no rule that we have to love everything about our loved ones!
I'm so glad to hear that a reassessment will be happening soon! See, I think it will also help you very much, because of all the responsibility and concerns you have for her.
You'll have relief if she's still in a status quo of her last assessment, or you will have the clarity of knowing that next step is to be taken, and it's not something you have done, but rather a reflection of her condition.
Sometimes these separations are hard to maintain. You have this great heart of love for her, not withstanding all the destruction and pain she has brought to you during your whole life. I truly see this as a gift from God because of your faith and your faithfulness to her. Comes back to the truth that love is not always what you feel, but what you do.
And you are doing that love, in an incredibly faithful manner!
.
Well, I really do appreciate this feedback because my heart is heavy. Not just for my mom but I hate to say it, for myself too.
But this does make me more introspective and tonight I remembered something else my mom always did that was nurturing. She always made a big deal about birthdays for my brothers and me. She has never been a very good cook but every single birthday, she made us each a cake, and she always tried to make them very creatively - and she'd always let us have a few friends over to spend the night or whatever. One time she made me a cake and put pine cones on top of it for a decoration! I thought it was really funny at the time but now I really see how she was trying to make it beautiful and creative and I think that's sweet.
I had those exact same feelings of guilt due to mom being on my nerves, mainly since my dad died. I never had what I considered a close relationship with her but have always cared for her. And when she indicated several years ago that she felt close to me, it made me feel very uneasy and pressured.
Now that my mom's dementia has really progressed, however, even things about her that used to drive. me. crazy. don't bother me as much anymore. I don't get to spend much time with her, but any day that I see her and she's in a good mood, it's a plus for me.
We need to let go of unproductive and unnecessary guilt - I'm talking to myself as much as to you! There is no rule that we have to love everything about our loved ones!
Oh my gosh there are other people out there like me! LOL
I went through this with my father. The one thing he could still do was walk around the block...endlessly. He would walk the dog all day long if we let him. I was questioned more than once about why we let him do it. We lived in a very rural area and there was no traffic of any kind. And everyone in the neighborhood knew who he was. I was determined to let him do as much as he could for as long as possible. And that's exactly what I did. Once the police brought him home. Not because he was behaving improperly, the officer just stopped to talk to him and my father could not respond. So the officer brought him home. I knew the day would come when my father would be housebound but I wanted let him have as much self determination as possible.
Your mom can dress herself, feed herself, is completely ambulatory and can still do things like go out to lunch or church. She still has things she loves to do and putters around her little home. And she is in a pretty safe environment. All the things she loves to do end if she goes to memory care. Yes, it's going to happen but it doesn't have to be now! And believe me the ALF will be telling you when she needs to be moved. If things would be better for her in memory care I would say send her. But that's not the case.
I went through this with my father. The one thing he could still do was walk around the block...endlessly. He would walk the dog all day long if we let him. I was questioned more than once about why we let him do it. We lived in a very rural area and there was no traffic of any kind. And everyone in the neighborhood knew who he was. I was determined to let him do as much as he could for as long as possible. And that's exactly what I did. Once the police brought him home. Not because he was behaving improperly, the officer just stopped to talk to him and my father could not respond. So the officer brought him home. I knew the day would come when my father would be housebound but I wanted let him have as much self determination as possible.
Your mom can dress herself, feed herself, is completely ambulatory and can still do things like go out to lunch or church. She still has things she loves to do and putters around her little home. And she is in a pretty safe environment. All the things she loves to do end if she goes to memory care. Yes, it's going to happen but it doesn't have to be now! And believe me the ALF will be telling you when she needs to be moved. If things would be better for her in memory care I would say send her. But that's not the case.
That's what I'm thinking.
Thank you so much for sharing your story about your dad. That's a good perspective and I totally "get" your reasoning.
Your mom can dress herself, feed herself, is completely ambulatory and can still do things like go out to lunch or church. She still has things she loves to do and putters around her little home. And she is in a pretty safe environment. All the things she loves to do end if she goes to memory care. Yes, it's going to happen but it doesn't have to be now! And believe me the ALF will be telling you when she needs to be moved. If things would be better for her in memory care I would say send her. But that's not the case.
Apparently no, she cannot get herself to church. Nor does she take her meds without administration, for which she's paying extra right now.
She's not in the ALF - she's in Independent Living. So the ALF there has no clue what's going on with her and they have no reason to "tell her when she needs to be moved."
You realize that if she WERE in the ALF, she would have been able to get on the bus to church yesterday with their help, right?
And she wouldn't be pathetically sitting there for 3 days dressed and ready for church with nobody knowing about it. At this point in time she probably would be ok in ALF until she reaches the next stage and needs Memory Care but who knows since the issues change weekly.
She could also PAY for Sunday reminders and helping/escorting her to the bus. That's why they live in INDEPENDENT LIVING - so that additional HHA is available as needed. Just like she's doing for Medication Administration.
11-29-15
[quote=KathrynAragon;42100643]
My mother had a major stroke a few years ago which affected her right hemisphere, which is logic and reasoning, as well as affecting her optic nerve, which gave her some perception and vision issues. So naturally, she can't drive. Though she is able to do many things on her own, and looking at her, you wouldn't know she was severely impaired,she is easily overwhelmed by very simple tasks. For instance, she can dress herself, cook simple meals, do simple housekeeping tasks, read her favorite books, that sort of thing, but she drive, pay bills, read a calendar, or really keep up with time lines or appointments, etc. So she's able to be left alone some during the day, but requires a lot of checking up on and maintenance. My dad has been doing that part of things for years.
The above is the definition of Assisted Living not Independent Living.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 09-04-2017 at 06:43 AM..
Honestly, I think a lot of people have someone on ignore. The more you quote them, the more others that have them on ignore can see what they are posting.
Some people are just plain miserable in their life. I truly feel sorry for those. They have no sense of what happiness or peace is.
Sometimes ignoring those that miserable might just make them leave. Just my thoughts.
So I'm not going anywhere since I'm advocating for the MOTHER and couldn't care less what a bunch of anons think of me.
And I'm actually one - if not the ONLY one - who posts here who actually WORKS in these communities with seniors with dementia. EVERY day. So that makes your dismissals of my views particularly funny.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 09-04-2017 at 06:47 AM..
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