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Thank you - and I encourage you to seek out another round or so of counseling. It has really helped remind me of what I knew already but had let slip due to all my emotional, well, trauma over the past few months.
I'm so sorry you went through all that with your dad. Yikes.
Like you, I have an errant son. Actually I have one errant son (grown and self sufficient but a total heathen and there's no denying it!), one weirdly and blissfully irresponsible son, one daughter who has decided over the past few months that she's going to hate me (till this past six months or so, I thought she and I had a good relationship so this was a total shock to me) - and one balanced, strong, emotionally healthy and happy, and very responsible daughter. So yes, I'm very disappointed in several of my kids right now - hopefully I'm wrong about the depth of their issues but I think maybe I was just ignorant of it till my dad's death knocked the lid off all of it.
So I'm revisiting my boundaries with them. Since up till this past few months, I would have told you (sincerely) that they were all doing well in their own individual ways and that we had good relationships, I had inadvertently slipped into some situations where I'd probably done too much for them, though at the time I thought I was just doing what any normal mom of kids in their late twenties and early thirties would do.
It's really heartbreaking to watch a relationship with an adult child implode. That on top of my dad's death and my big burden of responsibility with my mom all heaped up together and I thought, "Good lord, I can't deal with all this on my own and I'm driving my husband crazy too!" So far the counseling has been helpful and I plan to continue it for awhile.
Funny thing - my counselor keeps giving me these handouts with personality descriptions on them - negative thinking, irrational thinking, gaslighting, etc. It's clear from the written style of the handouts that the counselor usually gives them to people who are personally struggling with these traits within themselves. But when she gives them to me, she says, "Now to be clear - I don't think you're any of these - I think you need help identifying these traits in the OTHER PEOPLE in your life." I thought that was sort of funny.
She also hasn't even hinted at the possible need for medication for me - I didn't think I needed it but I was wondering if she'd recommend it.
You know - I actually think my responses have been pretty normal but that I'm suddenly dealing with cray cray from every direction! Who WOULDN'T freak out a little???
If anyone deserves a break, it's you! My errant son is very self sufficient, making buckets of money as a computer engineer and programmer, in the crazy city by the bay, San Francisco. He lives with a nice woman who is apparently as hedonistic as he is. They both seem to be going through some kind of delayed adolescence. At 31, with a good job, she has died her hair purple. And that's the very least of their problems. My son is brilliant, got a full scholarship to major in engineering. Everything always came very easily to him. Because of his skills he's never had a problem getting jobs, with each one paying more than the last. He never went through any kind of rebellion but he's making up for it now. Employers overlook his craziness because they are desperate for his skills. It's painful for his father and me, but there's nothing we can do. I don't even try anymore. I want nothing to do with him, because it's just too painful.
Last edited by BrassTacksGal; 01-25-2017 at 01:02 PM..
I am meeting with her psychiatrist and her regular doctor next week and am waiting on a call back from her facility now. I did talk with someone from the facility earlier and they told me that while my mom is obviously confused about times and dates, she is pleasant and will go back to her room or elsewhere and wait for them to come get her when the bus for her therapy gets there. They said she will easily and willingly go eat and that sort of thing.
The thing that concerns me is her insisting that housekeeping stood her up, when the reality is that she has told them in no uncertain terms for the past two weeks that they are NOT to come in and clean her apartment. I tried to talk with her about why she wouldn't want them to come in, but she denies telling them this. She insists they're just not showing up.
Guess who I believe.
WHY WHY WHY is she doing this???? Why does she want to live in filth???? She was this irate about the cleaning service my dad had coming in every other week when she was living in her home. My gosh, they were fast and efficient and God knows the house needed their attention, but every time, she got furious about it and complained about how inconvenient it was.
This is so disturbing, considering that my mother used to keep herself and her house in impeccably clean condition.
Might your mother be afraid the cleaners will see something she doesn't want them to see? Is she lying to you about them not showing up because she knows you will object to her turning them away?
Might your mother be afraid the cleaners will see something she doesn't want them to see? Is she lying to you about them not showing up because she knows you will object to her turning them away?
There is no telling what she's thinking. She's oppositional - if someone wants her to do something, that automatically triggers an "I am not going to cooperate" reaction in her.
But yes, she's lying to me about them not showing up because she knows I would be put out with her if I knew (which I do know) that she is turning them away.
I am meeting with her psychiatrist and her regular doctor next week and am waiting on a call back from her facility now. I did talk with someone from the facility earlier and they told me that while my mom is obviously confused about times and dates, she is pleasant and will go back to her room or elsewhere and wait for them to come get her when the bus for her therapy gets there. They said she will easily and willingly go eat and that sort of thing.
The thing that concerns me is her insisting that housekeeping stood her up, when the reality is that she has told them in no uncertain terms for the past two weeks that they are NOT to come in and clean her apartment. I tried to talk with her about why she wouldn't want them to come in, but she denies telling them this. She insists they're just not showing up.
Guess who I believe.
WHY WHY WHY is she doing this???? Why does she want to live in filth???? She was this irate about the cleaning service my dad had coming in every other week when she was living in her home. My gosh, they were fast and efficient and God knows the house needed their attention, but every time, she got furious about it and complained about how inconvenient it was.
This is so disturbing, considering that my mother used to keep herself and her house in impeccably clean condition.
Possibly something to do with her mental issues???? From your descriptions she doesn't really trust many people so maybe she thinks they are going to steal from her.
As far as why she is giving you so much of an issue but the facility is telling you in regards to waiting she is compliant with them, I think even with her issues, she knows how to get to you and quite frankly from all your descriptions of ya'lls interactions, she likes upsetting you. I find with my mother she is more willing to pretend like she is listening to someone else, even my hubby and do what they advise, at least for a while. It never lasts that long though.
I have such an issue with this phrase. My parents used part of that in a phrase that I have heard many times over the past 50.5 years, they always said "we did the best we could given what we learned from our parents." I guess I am the weird one who has always felt like each generation should do better than the last, take the good from your parents and enhance it, learn from the bad and fix it.
I do agree it is important to move on because living in the past only hurts us but for those of us raised by less than stellar and loving parents, sometimes coming to terms is a hard fought battle.
Being the mother of 5 children I decided early on that I would be a better parent then mine were to me, my children would know no matter what they did or did not do that they were loved, that no matter the circumstances day or night I was there for them, they would be encouraged to do their best. They would know that I would help them fight their battles if need be, that if they couldn't fight for themselves then I would fight it for them and if they were more than capable to fight their battles, I would watch from the sidelines and cheer them on. I am very grateful to be able to say that if my 4 adult children are any indication and the 16 yr old is any indication, I succeeded at what I set out to do. And if I never have any other success in my life, I will someday leave this world knowing that 5 incredible people will be my legacy.
What I'm about to write may be slightly OT, but here goes. When I witness the wages of questionable parenting and questionable matrimonial liaison, I circle back to a realization that not everyone is cut out to be a parent, a spouse or in some cases either one. For the long years of "increase and multiply" and especially during the insane population growth rates in developed countries between the 1930s and late 1950s, it seems that such facts were completely ignored. Therefore we ended up with many spectacular failures of parenting, marriage or both. With more conservative social mores prior to the 1960s, lots of people in these situations simply sucked it up and forged ahead, come what may. And now, here we all are. And yes, my parents were also ones who in the present day likely would never have married let alone had kids. They were cuspers in a sense, late Silents who fit in more with the Boomers in many ways. By the time they had me the pill was already available but there was still a lot of social pressure to procreate. That really didn't fully hit until well into the 1970s.
If anyone deserves a break, it's you! My errant son is very self sufficient, making buckets of money as a computer engineer and programmer, in the crazy city by the bay, San Francisco. He lives with a nice woman who is apparently as hedonistic as he is. They both seem to be going through some kind of delayed adolescence. At 31, with a good job, she has died her hair purple. And that's the very least of their problems. My son is brilliant, got a full scholarship to major in engineering. Everything always came very easily to him. Because of his skills he's never had a problem getting jobs, with each one paying more than the last. He never went through any kind of rebellion but he's making up for it now. Employers overlook his craziness because they are desperate for his skills. It's painful for his father and me, but there's nothing we can do. I don't even try anymore. I want nothing to do with him, because it's just too painful.
Even the execs at certain tech companies have wild personal style.
KA, your mother seems to understand there are limits to her behavior if there are consequences as you said she has been going to therapy again.
Do you think your mother would allow the cleaners in if it was tied to the health of her kitten? No animal should live in an unhealthy environment and, even though it might not be that bad, perhaps she could understand her apartment needs to be cleaned if the kitten continues to live there. Maybe she would then permit the cleaning as it for the good of her precious kitten. I bet her vet will agree and back you up if the "rule" comes from someone else.
When my dear mother started to really go downhill, the lack of understanding of the calendar and time was really evident. She would repeatedly ask when an appointment was and would not understand the concept of 2 days away. We also stopped telling her of appointments in advance as it was agitating so that might be a good idea.
What I'm about to write may be slightly OT, but here goes. When I witness the wages of questionable parenting and questionable matrimonial liaison, I circle back to a realization that not everyone is cut out to be a parent, a spouse or in some cases either one. For the long years of "increase and multiply" and especially during the insane population growth rates in developed countries between the 1930s and late 1950s, it seems that such facts were completely ignored. Therefore we ended up with many spectacular failures of parenting, marriage or both. With more conservative social mores prior to the 1960s, lots of people in these situations simply sucked it up and forged ahead, come what may. And now, here we all are. And yes, my parents were also ones who in the present day likely would never have married let alone had kids. They were cuspers in a sense, late Silents who fit in more with the Boomers in many ways. By the time they had me the pill was already available but there was still a lot of social pressure to procreate. That really didn't fully hit until well into the 1970s.
I completely agree with you. I think in my parents case my mother was very young, my father was 10 years her senior and they were stupid and didn't use protection and ended up with me right after their first anniversary. I always got the feeling that I wasn't really wanted, and a couple of times my mother has made the comment "at least we kept you." Never have gotten up the nerve to ask what that meant. I know my father told my mother he wished they had never had kids, that he would have been perfectly happy with it just being the two of them.
KA, your mother seems to understand there are limits to her behavior if there are consequences as you said she has been going to therapy again.
Do you think your mother would allow the cleaners in if it was tied to the health of her kitten? No animal should live in an unhealthy environment and, even though it might not be that bad, perhaps she could understand her apartment needs to be cleaned if the kitten continues to live there. Maybe she would then permit the cleaning as it for the good of her precious kitten. I bet her vet will agree and back you up if the "rule" comes from someone else.
When my dear mother started to really go downhill, the lack of understanding of the calendar and time was really evident. She would repeatedly ask when an appointment was and would not understand the concept of 2 days away. We also stopped telling her of appointments in advance as it was agitating so that might be a good idea.
Belated Happy Birthday and good luck!
This is such good advice and makes it about the kittens health as opposed to her losing control of her space.
KA, your mother seems to understand there are limits to her behavior if there are consequences as you said she has been going to therapy again.
Do you think your mother would allow the cleaners in if it was tied to the health of her kitten? No animal should live in an unhealthy environment and, even though it might not be that bad, perhaps she could understand her apartment needs to be cleaned if the kitten continues to live there. Maybe she would then permit the cleaning as it for the good of her precious kitten. I bet her vet will agree and back you up if the "rule" comes from someone else.
When my dear mother started to really go downhill, the lack of understanding of the calendar and time was really evident. She would repeatedly ask when an appointment was and would not understand the concept of 2 days away. We also stopped telling her of appointments in advance as it was agitating so that might be a good idea.
Belated Happy Birthday and good luck!
Thanks for the birthday wishes and for the good advice.
I will think about that tactic about the kitten. However, she is VERY fixated on that kitten's wellbeing, even to the point of cleaning out the litter box at least once a day. I have to say, in spite of her clutter and her dirty sink, I have never caught even the slightest whiff of kitty box odor. And that kitten seems to be in the best of health.
She told the housekeeping staff that she doesn't want them "alarming" her kitten with the vacuum cleaner. However, I may have inadvertently hit on the solution, because I found out that as her POA, I can actually tell them to go in there on Mondays and clean, even if she says not to. She is usually gone all day Monday so that should be easy.
I am going to get an automatic food and water dispenser for the kitten tomorrow. I had a good discussion with my mom today about NOT feeding the kitten people food, which is what she makes the biggest mess with. My mom was sort of sad, because apparently she loves bringing home scraps from the cafeteria for that kitten, but she seemed OK with switching the kitten (who is now 12 weeks old) to ONLY dry cat food. So we'll see. That resolve could change tomorrow.
But the concept of "It's best for the kitten" really did ring true to her. So your idea is worth a try, if she gets crunk again about housekeeping coming in.
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