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You and me either. I just don't get it, my mother while not old, is older and she does not shower everyday. I don't expect a long shower but at least get in the shower, wet your body down and if nothing else soap the privates, under arms and face, at least that. She however showers maybe twice a week but normally just once and she has no explanation for why she doesn't shower everyday. While she is not active she still urinates and has bm's everyday and sorry a wet wash rag at night to swipe it all off, just isn't enough. But given that I can't force her to shower I just shake my head and wonder why. The weird thing is I know she is concerned about smelling bad because the days that she doesn't shower she slathers on scented lotion, just take a shower then you don't have to smell like a walking perfume commercial because you are worried you smell bad.
Maybe it's because most of us grew up from the get go with indoor plumbing.
My Mom, who's a pre-WW2 cohort, did not have it until after the war. But I suppose she was still young enough then to rapidly appreciate and take advantage having indoor plumbing available. Maybe folks who reached adulthood never having had indoor plumbing never got into the habit of a daily shower?
I wanted to point out that for people with very dry skin showering every day can be a problem. That is a problem that runs in my family. I know that my sis used to have very serious issues with skin irritation and her dermatologist said that the best way to correct that was to switch from daily baths to a shower once every two or even every three days. And that worked.
This was when she was in her 30s, so obviously not elderly. Now, that she is in her 70s, even with coating her skin from head to toe with thick lotion after a shower, he skin gets every more red, raw & chafed if she washed too well or showers too often.
But, in my experience many elderly people have especially thin and fragile skin. My dad's skin used to actually start bleeding a little if he scrubbed too vigorous while washing up/showering.
So, while a daily shower is definitely the norm for most young healthy adults do not assume that is always the best case for people in their 70s, 80s and 90s.
Of course, they should be clean but keep in mind their own skin's needs may be different than your skin's needs or their own skin's need when they were younger .
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-28-2017 at 12:52 PM..
After much grief and soul searching and prayer, I had what I consider to be a revelation. I felt it was more along the "relationships" line of thought, even though I am also able to apply it to my caregiving responsibilities for my mother, as well as the memories of my father (letting go of fantasies, actually), so I posted it in the Non Romantic Relationships section, but it could also apply just as well to past relationships in our lives that we carry grief and unresolved issues for.
There is a fine line between "doer of good" and "enabler."
And we must continue to adjust ongoing as we pass through life and our relationships evolve, as new ones form, and existing ones fall away.
Amen.
My dad enabled my mom for 57 years. I know she may expect that to continue, but it's not going to continue.
And after realizing the extent of the deception to me by BOTH my parents for decades, my level of responsibility toward them and involvement in my mom's care is more clear to me. Let's just say that my life just got easier and my mom's life just gained some limitations.
My only regret is that I wasn't able to call my dad's hand on this before he died. I would have adjusted my level of help, concern, etc accordingly, and it would have been good closure for me to know that he knew I had come full circle and wasn't going to be emotionally manipulated any longer.
But I do believe in karma and I also believe that everyone's chickens do come home to roost, so whether he has to stand before his Maker and answer for it, or whether it just meant that he laid there on his deathbed unable to speak or rectify or defend it and knowing I would find out - it is what it is.
I am moving forward and I feel lighter and more at peace today than I have in years.
My dad enabled my mom for 57 years. I know she may expect that to continue, but it's not going to continue.
And after realizing the extent of the deception to me by BOTH my parents for decades, my level of responsibility toward them and involvement in my mom's care is more clear to me. Let's just say that my life just got easier and my mom's life just gained some limitations.
My only regret is that I wasn't able to call my dad's hand on this before he died. I would have adjusted my level of help, concern, etc accordingly, and it would have been good closure for me to know that he knew I had come full circle and wasn't going to be emotionally manipulated any longer.
But I do believe in karma and I also believe that everyone's chickens do come home to roost, so whether he has to stand before his Maker and answer for it, or whether it just meant that he laid there on his deathbed unable to speak or rectify or defend it and knowing I would find out - it is what it is.
I am moving forward and I feel lighter and more at peace today than I have in years.
This is a lesson it seems I must learn and then relearn.
It sounds like you recently found out a new way your parents deceived you - is that true, or was it the buildup of your mother's demands that has forced you to back off a bit? At any rate, I am glad that your life just got easier and I hope you can maintain that.
Kathryn, I'm appalled for you. If you explained how you were betrayed, I missed it, but I am just so sorry. Whatever the gut punch was from your dad, is it at all correctable through your mother's future estate?
God works in mysterious ways. If this betrayal frees you in some way from the notion that you have somehow been to blame for your parent's shortcomings, then maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
Think about this one..(forgive me for saying) What kind of a flawed man would have chosen your mother?
You have a nice life with a hunky hubby, a dreamy new bathroom, so f*** it.
Last edited by gentlearts; 02-28-2017 at 04:40 PM..
This is a lesson it seems I must learn and then relearn.
It sounds like you recently found out a new way your parents deceived you - is that true, or was it the buildup of your mother's demands that has forced you to back off a bit? At any rate, I am glad that your life just got easier and I hope you can maintain that.
It was a huge, massive deceit involving both their wills. They colluded together on this clearly, and misled me intentionally for about 20 years, both knowing they were lying to me.
It was a huge shock. It's not the "loss" of property that was never really mine to begin with - it's the fact that they intentionally lied to me about it for decades. Even as recently as a few months ago.
It really blew my mind. They were even encouraging my husband and me to build on this property, telling us "Why not go ahead and build a vacation cabin on the property so the whole family can enjoy it? You're going to inherit it one day anyway." Of course, I may be a little naive and overly optimistic about my parents' regard for me, but I'm not STUPID. We wouldn't do it unless my parents went ahead and deeded the land to me, since it was going to require considerable expense for us to build on it - and of course we would then go ahead and take on the full responsibility and costs of maintaining the property.
They wouldn't do it. So we said, "Well, that's too bad but we'll just hold off on building that cabin." But every time my dad wrote a check for property taxes or maintenance or whatever on that property, he would tell me "Well, I just wrote a check to take care of YOUR PROPERTY." And I would say, "Well, Dad when it's MY PROPERTY I will be the one writing the checks. You can get out from under it any time you want and we'll go ahead and build that cabin out there."
To make a long story short, that property had NEVER been left to me in their wills. They had only been telling me that as a sort of "leverage." Yes, they were high maintenance but after all... I was going to be inheriting "all that beautiful property" one day.
I would have taken care of them without that carrot dangling. It isn't that I'm not inheriting that property that hurts me - it's that they lied to me for so many years, knowing I wasn't getting it.
And my mother was right in there in the middle of it - their wills predate her dementia. This was intentional.
I was absolutely flabbergasted yesterday but I feel very free and at peace about it today. It really clarified to me what I had a hunch about all along - that they didn't really respect and appreciate me, they were just manipulating and using me and they knew how to do it. If I hadn't had a suspicion about this all along, it would be more devastating, but instead once I got over the "OH NO THEY DI-INT!" moment, I actually felt empowered and free, which was surprising but told me a lot.
I was thinking, "I knew it - all along, I knew deep down inside that they weren't going to change - that they were going to look out for themselves and use the tar out of anyone who would put up with it, and they knew I'd put up with it out of a sense of obligation." I didn't even ask for that land. THEY OFFERED IT and always said, "Well, we know it's generous - but you know we do count on you to help us out when we're old."
WHAT A PAIR OF LYING MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE!!!!!!!
Like I said, this actually makes my job a lot easier. For instance, I haven't called my mom today, and if she calls me, I'm not answering the phone. It's not my job - or my responsibility - to entertain her or keep her from being lonely. In fact, this morning I actually thought for a minute, "I need to call and check on Mom - she's home alone all day today," and then I realized - with great relief - "No, wait. I don't have to do this. And I'm not."
I also emailed my dad's CPA and said, "You and I had discussed how I would gather the information for you and you had sent me some very detailed forms to file their personal and business taxes. However, I regret to inform you that I am unable to complete these forms in such detail. What is the bare minimum that you need from me in order to file these taxes? Oh, and file an extension please. I don't have the time to gather tax information together for my dad's personal and business stuff - I am too busy working on our own personal and business taxes and selling their house between now and April 15. Thanks."
They sent back a copy of last year's stuff, including two sheets of info my dad had gathered together for them regarding expenses, all sorts of little deductions, etc. and I wrote them back and said, "I will send you whatever IRS forms have been received by me, but I will not be going through my dad's various checking accounts and trying to itemize things. Thanks."
Sorry you went through this, but love seeing you take your power back.
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