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Nope. Other people do. That is what I meant about I can't trap him. He just turns to someone else. I cannot force my Dad to go along with that program.
I was going to force the issue of the guy faxing that paper instead of handing it to Dad for the principle but my Dad isn't going to say 'no, I will not send a fax'.
You can still refuse and just let the others do it until they get sick of it maybe.
For Pete's sake, your Dad is a grown man. He has free will to say no. If he allows himself to be "forced" it's his problem. Treat him like the man that he is.
You mean not trying to get brother to handle it w/o Dad? Well, i am giving up on that because there is no use, he won't listen, but the attempt was good, imo. It's not only to save Dad from the effort, it's to teach brother to do for himself.
I guess I can't permanently get it through my brain that he WANTS people to do everything, more than everything for him. I understand it most of the time but I have moments were I'm like 'no, this is retarded. You have to PARTICIPATE'.
But yeah, I have to abandon that. Let Dad do what he wants, and I do what I want, and don't do what I don't want to. And whatever gets done however that is on whoever!
My brother already feels aggrieved that no one is over there full time or taking shifts to = full time waiting on hand and foot. So, asking him to DO anything is just adding insult to injury in his mind. Which I understand to a point. Who would want to be left to the wolves if they had a disability like this? (the physical part) No one!
But most people would ALSO do their PT and OT. My other Aunt was in a wheelchair for years and her husband did a lot for her, but she was bound and determined to make that as minimal as possible. That is the part I think we resent so much. The absolute lack of effort - refusal to adapt.
I said take your ipad to the Dr. so you can type to him. He said 'ok' and then texted my Aunt lies that he was in a huge crisis and can she please come to the appointment.
From the way that you have described your brother it sounds more like some type of mental illness where he is demanding others to do things for him that he should be capable to do himself (with minor modifications or with adaptive devices).
Why email the doctor to set up an appointment when you can con your sister into doing it?
Why use a reacher to pick up something that you dropped next to your chair/bed when you can force your dad to pick it up and then complain how helpless you are to him & make him feel guilty because you had to wait hours for him to come?
Why write questions for your doctor on an IPad or piece of paper when you can leave the doctor's appointment and complain how useless they are because they did not answer your questions?
Why write instructions for your dad on your IPad when you can just gesture wildly and then get to be angry at dad if he does not understand what you want him to do?
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
And we have a winner. I need to print this and tape it to someplace I can see from my desk. Or something. LOL! It's madness.
I'm very fortunate when it comes to the Ambulance Service. First of all, my son, who is a professional firefighter/EMT started his career as a volunteer when he was 18 y.o. with this department. Second, my next door neighbor is a firefighter/EMT with this department.
Finally, for $15.00 a year, one can "join" the club and the service will accept what insurance pays. I don't have to pay any balance.
I don't make it a habit to call but in an emergency i.e. chest pains, SOB, bleeding profusely, limb detached, I will call.
LOLOLOLOL! There is no hope. I have now conferred with my father and my Aunt. My brother pretended to believe what I told him gained from a week's worth of phone calls, research, I even paid an online neurologist for a 3rd opinion.
He relayed to my Aunt that he is in a massive crisis (he is not) and the same to my Dad, who set this appointment for him. One he needs, but not right now. He believes they will do something they won't, but it's ok since he does need a follow-up.
But what is making me LOL is that I stand no chance. He will just call other people and make up lies if he needs to to get what he wants.
And my Aunt believed him. Not faulting her for that, but she was relieved to know there is no crisis. OMG.
I can't ever do anything about this until I am the only person he has and I most certainly do not look forward to that day.
I have to find new boundaries and new middle ground response level with my current elevation of duties. But he is NOT going to step up in his participation, period.
You need to tell everyone - your aunt, your dad, your brother, your other siblings, everyone - what your personal boundaries are and why you are putting them in place. Then keep them in place.
Your brother sounds a lot like my mentally ill brother. He does different things but it's the same INCESSANT sort of finagling. In my brother's case, what he wants to do is intermingle his money and/or interests with family till you can hardly think straight - he did that with my parents for years and now that my dad is gone, he has tried several times to do it with ME. And it's exhausting because I have to stay on point with him.
Example (not to turn this into a thread about me but to show you what I'm talking about): When he came home for my dad's final illness and death and funeral (about a week - the longest week of my life) - first of all, my first clue was that he was no help at all. He was all drag, no lift from the get go - wanting me to meet him at an auto repair shop, drive him around, etc because his car (the one my parents had given him a few months before) needed some sort of repair done on it the very minute he got here - while my dad was in ICU of course and I'm having to make decisions like "Should we disconnect his life support?" Anyway, he started calling me the first thing every morning, not to check on our dad, but to "coordinate" how and when I was going to leave the hospital and come pick him up to go out to eat, that sort of thing. On day 2 I said, "Stop. Call a taxi if you need to. Figure it out yourself. I'm a bit busy at the moment."
On the day before he left, he called me and said that the place that had fixed whatever was wrong with his car, had done something or other to it, broke something, so they gave him a refund of $100 (what on earth - I have no idea what all that was about) and SINCE HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHECKING ACCOUNT, he had them make the check out to me. So he would just give me this check, and I could "hold on to it for him" till the next time we saw each other, and then I could give him his money. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense - NOT. So I said, "Nope, just meet me at my bank and I'll cash the check and give you the money right now. I happen to be 2 minutes from the bank right now." He said, "No, no, that's not convenient for me" (because he was sitting on his fat arse watching Shaka Zulu or whatever) "I'll just give you the check and you can give me the money later." I said, "No. I don't want the check. I don't want to hold onto anything for you or keep up with something or have to wire you the money from WalMart later or whatever. You are giving me another unnecessary task and responsibility and I am not accepting that. So get in your car and meet me at the bank right now and I'll give you the money right now."
It was AMAZING to me how difficult he tried to make this. Though the bank was literally 2 minutes from him as well, on the main road just outside my parents' neighborhood, a location so easy to see that he would have to be blind not to see it, he acted as if this was just incredibly difficult. Listen, I raised five teenagers - I know this drill. He was trying to just make it so difficult that I finally would say "OK, never mind - just give me the check." Then he would call me in a few weeks, suddenly needing that money right away, and it would have mysteriously morphed into MORE money that I "owed him," and I would have to stop everything I was doing and rush to WalMart to send him that money right away for some emergency. NO, THANK YOU. Oh, and he'd need more than the $100 for some pressing emergency and while I was wiring money (you know, that $200 that I "owed" him), just throw in a bit more because after all, this was an emergency. Sheeze. I watched him do this to my parents for DECADES.
Anyway, it was trouble on the front end but less trouble on the back end if that makes sense. So what I'm saying is I think you need to make some trouble on the front end. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for how other adults interact with your unreasonable brother. You can't let your concerns about your aunt or your dad override your own personal boundaries. By the way, it sounds like your aunt has disengaged on some levels, and good for her. You should do the same.
Your brother's situation is truly pitiful by the way. I mean, truly pitiful. But he's making it worse, and he's taking his anger at life out on the very people who want to try to help him. It's very sad.
Nope. Other people do. That is what I meant about I can't trap him. He just turns to someone else. I cannot force my Dad to go along with that program.
I was going to force the issue of the guy faxing that paper instead of handing it to Dad for the principle but my Dad isn't going to say 'no, I will not send a fax'.
That's not on you though - that's on your Dad or other people. You are falling for a classic dysfunctional triangle.
My Aunt and I decided it's good for Dad to be forced to go to the appointment he made on Monday. I have an appointment at the same time. My Aunt will be out of town. Maybe my poor Dad needs consequences for going along with my brother's way of making appointments expecting others to go, but failing to find out if that day and time is possible for us! I love my Dad but maybe some consequences will help him in the long run too. He will HATE this appointment. I have emailed him a cheat-sheet on what to tell them and what to ask for.
Is he able to get the Medicaid home services? I would look into that if he needs LTC in home.
I think it's a natural instinct to fight change and I don't think many people adapt fast. I guess instead of fighting, decide if you should go the ease in approach or rip off the band aid.
If the first, go on care.com or if you know someone who might be interested in caregiving, hire them for a few hours the first week so he can see the benefits and come around on his own. If the band aid, get the dr to agree that it's unsafe to be without help, start filing for Medicaid, get a disability trust to get the most income protected and look for a long term hire. Maybe if you remove the family members from the discussion and have SS or the dr explain that this is the best thing? Another threat/option would be a group home. For some, it's the threat that gets them moving, but for some it's a great way to live. The social interaction and the feeling of not being a burden helps some.
Is he able to get the Medicaid home services? I would look into that if he needs LTC in home.
I think it's a natural instinct to fight change and I don't think many people adapt fast. I guess instead of fighting, decide if you should go the ease in approach or rip off the band aid.
If the first, go on care.com or if you know someone who might be interested in caregiving, hire them for a few hours the first week so he can see the benefits and come around on his own. If the band aid, get the dr to agree that it's unsafe to be without help, start filing for Medicaid, get a disability trust to get the most income protected and look for a long term hire. Maybe if you remove the family members from the discussion and have SS or the dr explain that this is the best thing? Another threat/option would be a group home. For some, it's the threat that gets them moving, but for some it's a great way to live. The social interaction and the feeling of not being a burden helps some.
He makes too much for medicaid. I did find out this week that Humana will not give a home health aide. Straight Medicare would, I learned in the thread about that, but not his plan through Humana. He could have PT&OT but he doesn't want it.
I am not fighting anymore. I felt I had to try. I was inspired by reading about Aspie's in another thread and thought 'maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him'. 'Maybe there is a different approach I could take.' I don't think there is.
He won't allow a disability trust. He won't allow his half of the home to be legally shielded from Medicaid. He is in denial he will ever need it.
He makes too much for medicaid. I did find out this week that Humana will not give a home health aide. Straight Medicare would, I learned in the thread about that, but not his plan through Humana. He could have PT&OT but he doesn't want it.
I am not fighting anymore. I felt I had to try. I was inspired by reading about Aspie's in another thread and thought 'maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him'. 'Maybe there is a different approach I could take.' I don't think there is.
He won't allow a disability trust. He won't allow his half of the home to be legally shielded from Medicaid. He is in denial he will ever need it.
Where is his income coming from? And is he set to inherit any money from anyone? If so, THEY can say that any inheritance needs to go into a Special Needs Trust for him, and he can't do anything to stop them from doing that.
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