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I used to be a regular on this board, then my dad died and I had a bit of respite from caregiving.
Summer of 2017 we moved mom from her 4 bedroom suburban home to an independent living cottage which has been great for her. She has a social life again and gets a daily phone call, 1 meal a day, etc. I know she's safe, and I don't like her, so I don't visit much...3 visits in 2018 and I can only stay about 2 days before I want to throttle her. I have my own health problems and I moved in the summer of 2018.
Recently it's been getting harder for her to cover her tracks when she is confused. And of course she blames us because we won't help her. We've spent a great deal of time trying to help her and we're tired of doing the same things over and over again with no result. OR getting yelled at for doing things the wrong way (after she refuses to tell us how she wants them done because she can't decide) She is especially frustrated with using the computer. And she never calls anymore, I think because she forgets that she hasn't called.
If I went behind her back to notify her GP or her psychiatrist or her facility that she is struggling, she would be absolutely livid. So I have to leave that alone.
Should we flat out tell her we can't help her with her computer problems because she forgets things as quickly as we tell her?
The last time I mentioned cognitive issues to her she was quite indignant of course. I don't think she has alzheimers. I think she gets confused because she has been clinically depressed for 80 years. and also delusional about the reality of her life. She can't really separate what has actually happened from what she imagines has happened anymore. She is also confused because she doesn't sleep well at night but refuses to nap or set an alarm because then she won't sleep enough at night. She actually naps a lot while sitting up on the sofa but refuses to admit it.
She is in stage 3 renal failure (which isn't really a big deal right now). She is still driving but not much. Sometimes she calls because the car isn't working right, then she has it towed to the shop only to be told there is nothing wrong with it.
Should I discuss these cognitive concerns with her or just let it ride? Is it possible that some aricept would help her? I doubt she'd be receptive to the idea because she wouldn't want to admit to the dr. that she is struggling. She had a part time caregiver when she had some physical challenges but of course she hated that and would probably not welcome another. So if she isn't receptive to assistance I'm not sure there is anything we can do.
She sounds kind of similar to my mom. My mom does not have dementia, at least not diagnosed, but I can see changes in her. She is in isolation and her assisted living. She never wants to come out of her apartment not even to go to the dining room anymore. She is also depressed. I think just sitting in that apartment by herself is making her more confused. I will try to call her and her phone goes to voicemail and she doesn’t call me. So I’ll call the reception desk, and ask them to send someone up to check on her. They’ll bring her down to call me from their phone and she’ll tell me that she doesn’t know how to use her cell phone and that’s why she hasn’t called. She has had this phone for years and it is a basic flip phone. But like your mom, she just yells at me and says I never told her how to use it. In actuality, I wrote step-by-step directions for her. And she’s been using it independently for a very long time after that.
I don’t know how much good is going to do to talk to her. I don’t know that any sort of drug is going to help, especially if she’s not diagnosed with dementia. I think you have to be careful with it her situation, is that she’s in an independent living situation. If they think she is no longer capable of being independent there, they will kick her out or move her down to a more supervised unit.
With my mom, I just tried to simplify things as much as possible. I bought her a jitterbug cell phone where you could push zero for the operator and a person will answer and say hello Jane what can I do to help you today? And then she can just say can you please call my daughter and the operator will do it for her.
You may also need to do the same with the computer. Perhaps she needs one a little more simple and basic, perhaps made for kids.
My mother won’t listen to me. She will never take antidepressants, I know she won’t we’ve had this discussion numerous times in the past. I try to encourage her to get out of the apartment but she does so very rarely. She does like to exercise, so she is now going down to PT a couple of times a week. I think she needs it not just for the exercise but also just to be around people. You can ask your mom’s doctor for a referral for therapy. They will send home therapists to your moms cottage. PT will help her if she has balance her walking issues, occupational therapy will help if she struggling with basic daily living skills such as showering cooking things like that. Speech therapy will help her with cognitive issues and will also assess her cognition. I think this is a much better place to start then simply calling her physician and getting her on some sort of a drug. You will get an accurate picture of how your mom is doing on a daily basis with her living skills.
But if your mother is like mine, there’s no point in really talking to her about it. My mother would just end up yelling at me. Just try to manage things for her as best you can.
Kind of ironic,my wife's sister now 90 wandered out of her home in the cold without warm clothing was luckily picked up by police and taken to hospital,we have not had to much contact but sounds like your mother.They had to place her in secure quarters,she can be aggressive.They did not prepare themselves for this at all.
She has since passed,some time ago.
Not related but on Feb 3rd my wife's brother age 84 living in assissited living home passed and was told he was transported by ambulance to hospital with pneumonia and on second day died from massive heart attack and stroke.
I believe he died from covid 19,at his time of death not much was known about the virus.
She has since passed,some time ago.
Not related but on Feb 3rd my wife's brother age 84 living in assissited living home passed and was told he was transported by ambulance to hospital with pneumonia and on second day died from massive heart attack and stroke.
I believe he died from covid 19,at his time of death not much was known about the virus.
Condolences to you and your family.
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