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I feel like such a horrible person. My 92 year old mother in law has been living with me for about a year. She has health issues but is able to take care of most of her needs herself.
I don't have to dress her or help her with medications. She also makes her own simple meals except for dinner. (I do all the shopping and dishes, of course.) I could do more to help her because things are hard for her to do, but I want her to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible.
Compared to many people on this forum, I have it good. The problem is that I am a quiet and private person, and I'm just absolutely sick of having to make small talk with her and to see her sitting in my house all day long. (She does nap for a couple hours in the afternoon, but the rest of the time is spent in my kitchen sitting at the table.) The sound of her voice literally makes me anxious.
She had some major health issues a year ago (that have since calmed down), and my husband felt she could no longer live alone. I told him I thought it was a terrible idea that she move in, but my husband was very persistent. He is essentially a good guy and wants to help his mother. He thought I would get used to having her here with us. I became depressed before she moved in, and I'm more so now.
The MIL does not have any friends, and she won't leave the house except to go to appointments and out to eat with us. Because of my own health issues, I am unable to work outside the house so there is little reprieve from her.
We had issues with things she said to me early on (no filter...just blurted out unkind things to me), but we had a discussion and that stopped. I can't really complain about her except for the lack of privacy in my home and the sight of her and sound of her voice grates on me. I hate how I have to go into my bedroom to get away from her. I don't like seeing her all day long. I wait as long as possible to go out into the kitchen every morning because I know she will be sitting there.
I want my heart to change and for me not to have such resentful feelings toward her. Bottom line is I just want to live in my home with my husband and my children without another person here all the time.
I don't want to pay for assisted living for her now because there is limited funds that may be needed down the road as she loses more independence. She has other children out of state, but she says they are annoying and she loves having a large, beautiful bedroom in my house.
I want her to go live with the other children for several months and have us all take turns. The problem is that I live in Florida and the other children are in Nevada and she does not want to go. She likes living in my house and does not want to live with the other children.
Again, I feel horrible for complaining because things could be worse. I have been to a counselor who feels MIL should go live with the other children. But...MIL does not want to go and my husband thinks I should just adjust to having her here. I am trying, but it is not working. This woman could live for another 5 years or more, and the thought of having to make small talk with her and interact with her all day long is over-whelming. I know it sounds like I have some emotional issues. I really don't think I do. It's just that I liked my quiet home and calm life before all this started, and I feel selfish that I am reacting so badly toward the situation. Can anyone relate to this?
Spring is almost here - do you have a nice yard? I'm picturing an airy screened porch or a little garden nook with a comfy chair where you can retreat with a laptop or a book and have some breathing room...it'd drive me nuts to have someone talking at me all the time, too, even if we otherwise got along.
What if you "forced" friends on her? What if you took her on occasional outings either to a general senior center or a group that might interest her (maybe at a church or a group of her ethnicity)?
In the meantime, look around for support groups in your area that might be able to provide both moral support and tips. And DON'T feel "horrible" for complaining. You have every right to complain.
I understand your struggle as there are few people in my life that are perfectly nice people but i just don't enjoy making small talk. But then there are other people i have in my life, like good friends, who i enjoy talking to every day. We just don't connect with everyone and with inlaws its even harder because you can't be your true self.
Ideally the other kids taking her in for few months would help but at this age she probably doesn't want to travel much. In that case would the other kids be willing to spend some time at your house while your family goes on vacation or you go on girls retrieve to get break. Its only a week but that helps getting that break.
I also think you finding activity outside of house will be useful. not a job but activity for few hours. Whether its volunteering or socializing or going to gym. It will give you some "me time".
When your husband gets home or your kids are back, can they spend time with her so you get a break. Have them go for a walk with her so she gets some sunshine & company that is not you. Take her to bingo or some type of activity. If she doesn't want to go out, can you give her a little sitting area (sunroom) in her bedroom so your husband can go sit with her in her room for few hours while you clean up the house. Sort of like King of Hill where they send the father out for walk with the dog walker so he has company and out of house for few hours
Life takes so many weird twists and turns that it is hard to predict what will happen. Living with an elderly person is never easy since they are so set in their ways.
You have my complete sympathy. I'm pretty outgoing but there is no one I want in my house for more than a day or two. Feel free to complain, your situation is terrible.
My only advice would be to escort her to Vegas, have your husband go on the plane with her and leave her with one of his siblings. He needs to tell her she's going and make the plane reservations. She may not like it there as much she likes living with you but you need a break. What you need is just as important as what she wants.
You absolutely need a break from this situation. Are you able to get out and walk with a friend on a regular basis? What can you do with your health issues - the gym? I like the idea of getting outside in the garden or on a porch also. I know that FL is really hot in the summer so there is that issue.
This is a big strain on you personally and also on your marriage. Yes, your husband should escort MIL to the other sibling for at least a month or two. Your needs and health are just as important as his mother’s. Perhaps senior housing should be looked at as she seems quite independent. I do think people can get depressed when they see years of a difficult situation ahead of them. Wishing you the best.
You could insist that your DH take his mother to visit other of her children for six months. I mean you could insist.
And, you can investigate whether there is elder daycare in your town, where you can drop her off for a few hours. Or the community might have a day program for elders at the local community center or other location. Taking her there two or three times a week would be good for both of you.
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