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Mom is 87 and lives in Independent living about 4.5 hours away from me. For holidays I usually drive up, sleep on her sofa bed, and take her to my brother's house which is another hour further. Just got back from thanksgiving there...my 25 yo dd joined us for part so I got us a hotel room for two nights.
This christmas my brother is going to wisconsin and won't be around. Leaves me with the choice of driving up on the 23rd, sleeping on the sofa bed or spending $100 per night for a hotel to spend my christmas in Mom's clutter, and driving back on the 27th.
OR
I could drive up on the 21st, drive her and her dog back to my house on the 22nd, keep her with me for a few days, then repeat the process to get them home on the 26/27th (because I have a dental appt on the 28th). My 2 dds would join us for some of that time and spend some time with their Dad in a nearby city (they aren't any closer to MOm's than I am). Naturally I would prefer to spend christmas in my own house and spend more time with my own kids. But either way I have to do all the cooking and cleanup.
She can't take the train because of her elderly/incontinent dog...I would be extremely reluctant to put that dog in a kennel only to have her die while mom is away.
Is this too much to ask of myself or of mom? Mom's been cooped up in her house since before the pandemic. SHe says she'd like to travel but can't drive on her own. I just happen to have moved back to the town where I grew up. SHe wants to come and visit me and drive around and see all the old neighborhood. Everyone we ever knew here has died or moved on so there is no one to visit that I can find.
Mom keeps saying she wants to visit but I'm a teacher and can't take time off to spend with her when school is in session, so this is my best chance to have her here until summer vacation. (Going to London for spring break).
WWYD? Any ideas I haven't thought of?
I do not have the best relationship with my mom but she's gotten a little easier to manage recently and I'd like to not have regrets when she is gone.
If it were my mom, I would drive up to get her and bring her back to my place. But your situation is a bit different since you say that the relationship isn't great. Maybe this is a chance to make it better?
Whether it is too much to ask of yourself, is a tough choice. As you note, you may not have a lot of time left to spend with your mom.
Sorry about the stress this is causing...even if it's not much, I can understand how you are feeling.
Go get her and her dog! Inclusion is better than exclusion. You can go to London in the spring but cant decide what is the kindest gift you could give your mother at this time of year?
Go get her and her dog! Inclusion is better than exclusion. You can go to London in the spring but cant decide what is the kindest gift you could give your mother at this time of year?
Some have said that 4+ hours in the car would be too much to ask of her, which made me begin to doubt my judgement.
The easiest thing would be to drive up, spend a couple of nights in a hotel and take your mom out to a nice Christmas dinner, maybe see a show if she's up for it or take her on a nice light drive.
She's 87 and still able to live independently. That can literally change overnight at her age. Right now she can get out and about and I would enjoy this time together and make it as stress free as possible for you, as well as, for her. She'll probably appreciate being able to go back home to her comfy bed and familiar environment after a busy day out.
Yes, the hotel is not the cheapest way but sometimes spending money makes good sense. If you can pick an in town, walkable hotel that would be great for your 25 year old kid.
I think a 4+ hour drive followed by another 4+ hour drive only a couple of days later would be exhausting for a lot of 87 year olds.
I would definitely pick her and the dog up and bring them back to your house. It will be a real gift for her to see the town and get to go and stay somewhere different. I wouldn’t board a dog that old either. It’s not to much for her to ride in the car that long. Do it while she still can! You are being a wonderful daughter!!!
Is mom capable of taking the train other than the dog situation? If so, I think that sounds like a reasonable solution. She would get out of her cluttered cottage and have a change of scenery. You would not have to make a 4.5 hour drive 4 times in one week, which I think is exhausting. At some point, your mother may not be able to travel independently at all, and you may have to do all the driving. So if she is able to do that at this stage, I might let her do it sometimes.
I understand your hesitancy about the dog. I have had to board senior pets with health issues and have been hesitant about it because I also feared them passing while we were away. But these were not pets we could take with us for various reasons and it was not reasonable to say that we would not travel to see family for years over a pet. (one pet wound up hanging on for a LONG time!)
Even if she thinks that she's capable of getting the dog boarded herself, getting herself and her luggage to the train station, boarding the train and making an hours long commute to see you....I don't know that I would let her do that.
The other solution would be for Op to go pick up Mom and the dog, bring them back to Op's house and take Mom back after New Year's. That way Mom would have time to recover between the commutes.
Will she have difficulty sitting in a car that long?
I think I would go get her and bring her to your home.... this one, last time, if her health could tolerate it.
She really wants this, she wants to see your town one last time, she doesn't have many years left, you have the time off, your daughters will be there. The planets have aligned.
What I might carefully consider is the best way to do the trip to not wear her out. And yourself out! It is rough on you.
So maybe you drive up one day. Help her pack. Eat and sleep well. Leave the next morning, after sleeping in and eating a good breakfast. Drive half way about 2.5hrs - Stopping at least once to stretch/use the bathroom en route. Then stop after 2.5hrs and eat lunch at a restaurant, to break things up. Search online ahead of time to find a cute/special/interesting place to stop - for her. Then drive the final two hours, stopping one more time half way so she can stretch/use the bathroom.
Make sure she doesn't get dehydrated.
Consider bringing a little cushion/memory foam for her to sit on in the car, if she is frail for her comfort.
I would take a lot of pictures during the trip/her visit/christmas. For Xmas, buy her one of those alternating picture frames where you can use an App from afar to add pictures to it whenever you want. Have your daughters download the App. Then after your Mom goes home, add all of the photos you took of her trip to her picture frame, and encourage your daughters to randomly add pictures over time, so grandma gets to see what they are up to and keep in touch. Your mother will love it.
Have a lovely holiday. You are a really good daughter.
Even if she thinks that she's capable of getting the dog boarded herself, getting herself and her luggage to the train station, boarding the train and making an hours long commute to see you....I don't know that I would let her do that.
The other solution would be for Op to go pick up Mom and the dog, bring them back to Op's house and take Mom back after New Year's. That way Mom would have time to recover between the commutes.
I didn't think that through. I'm changing my answer. I still think it would be a lot on OP.
I didn't think that through. I'm changing my answer. I still think it would be a lot on OP.
It would be a lot on Op which is why I suggested that Op go visit her mom but stay in a nice hotel, herself, and then take Mom out to a nice Christmas dinner and possibly to see a show or take a light drive or some other special holiday related thing. That would give Mom a change of scene while keeping the work for Op to a minimum. And, it would allow Mom to return to the comfort of her own little cottage after a nice day out.
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