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The easiest thing would be to drive up, spend a couple of nights in a hotel and take your mom out to a nice Christmas dinner, maybe see a show if she's up for it or take her on a nice light drive.
She's 87 and still able to live independently. That can literally change overnight at her age. Right now she can get out and about and I would enjoy this time together and make it as stress free as possible for you, as well as, for her. She'll probably appreciate being able to go back home to her comfy bed and familiar environment after a busy day out.
Yes, the hotel is not the cheapest way but sometimes spending money makes good sense. If you can pick an in town, walkable hotel that would be great for your 25 year old kid.
I think a 4+ hour drive followed by another 4+ hour drive only a couple of days later would be exhausting for a lot of 87 year olds.
Agree. You wrote you want what's best for mom, right? Tease that apart first. Less or no anxiety over the dog, no packing, unpacking, upheaval, or long hours in cars for an 87 year old, no dealing with trains or public transport, being able to stay in her familiar place. The only thing she won't get from this arrangement is to visit the old home town. What about driving around taking photos or videos of familiar places and sharing them with her during your visit? Maybe putting together a mementos album for her?
You had a lot of wants too, BTW. This plan means less resentment over being forced to stay in her clutter (your comment), less cooking and kitchen clean up you obviously don't want to face, a retreat ready and waiting for you each night and you can make the drives more on your own terms.
As in most things, holiday visits with relatives are rarely perfect. Plans usually require compromises.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-30-2022 at 04:55 PM..
This may be the last gift you can give your mom. If you don’t bring her to your house to see her old town you may regret it forever. What’s easiest is rarely the best path.
I was in your position OP, except my mother was "only" 4 hours away, and no dog was involved. For as long as she felt up to traveling, I picked her up and brought her south to my home. I would drive up, spend the night, and we left the next morning. That gave my own kids the chance to see her on their college breaks. The return trip worked the same, we drove up, I stayed the night, then came home. I had no issues with my mother, but hated staying in her overheated house.
I agree with Terry on this one. I would go with this plan:
"I could drive up on the 21st, drive her and her dog back to my house on the 22nd, keep her with me for a few days, then repeat the process to get them home on the 26/27th (because I have a dental appt on the 28th). My 2 dds would join us for some of that time and spend some time with their Dad in a nearby city (they aren't any closer to MOm's than I am). Naturally I would prefer to spend christmas in my own house and spend more time with my own kids. But either way I have to do all the cooking and cleanup."
Preplan the cooking so that daughters bring food and it's a potluck. Order out. Make it super easy.
We got my mom back to her hometown just once in the last forty years of her life, and she already had dementia. I forever grateful we made that trip, and it involved quite a bit of work on our part. But those are very happy memories, especially now that Dad has passed away. We took them by their first house, and they were both so happy and excited they wanted to move back and buy something in the neighborhood. And they were probably 85 at the time.
Some have said that 4+ hours in the car would be too much to ask of her, which made me begin to doubt my judgement.
Are you sure? Have you done that with her? My last client was 96 and her daughter lived with her, but still had 2 of us during the day for care. She was the best passenger, she had dementia, they drove 8 hrs from NC to TN, because that is where the daughter is from and her husband and kids were there and she had her drs appts there. Your Mom could be a delight as a passenger!
I agree to go get her and the dog and bring her to your house. Are you off between xmas and NY? Leave her home while you go to your dentist appointment. Then as someone else suggested, bring her home before you go back to work.
I would definitely pick her and the dog up and bring them back to your house. It will be a real gift for her to see the town and get to go and stay somewhere different. I wouldn’t board a dog that old either. It’s not to much for her to ride in the car that long. Do it while she still can! You are being a wonderful daughter!!!
I agree with this and the others who say let her have one last trip to her hometown.
My 100 yr old dad just rode to Oregon and back with my niece and her family for Thanksgiving. They were gone just over a week. It took them 2 days each way, staying at an Airbnb for one night each way. He did just fine. He was just along for the ride, and everything was done for him during the entire trip. It would be the same for your mom, OP. As long as your mom is healthy enough, do it now before it's too late.
Have you shown your mom pictures of your hometown? Have you driven by her old house? Does it still look the same? Are the same neighbors still there? Are there friends that she could visit?
I ask that because if her former house looks a lot different, especially if looks unkempt/uncared for, the neighbors are all different, the stores have changed, friends have passed away there may be no "going back". It could be rather disorienting and confusing to her for things to be so different and out of place.
That is a very good question and point. For many years now I have refused to drive by my childrens' childhood home (a home into which one of my children was born) because it has been trashed and looks horrible. It is obviously now a rental home. When it was purchased it was a cute little starter home for a young family with beautiful mature trees, rose bushes and flowering shrubs. And yes, the town has changed - a lot. My own hometown has changed a lot too, though there are still some good landmarks. Still, it is jarring to see the changes all these decades later.
This is something to be taken into consideration when driving an elderly person around. The last time my dad and I were in the town he lived in with his wife who passed 9 yrs ago, he wisely did not want to drive by it because it too had been gutted of every single tree and shrub, and is unrecognizable not to mention ugly now.
That is a very good question and point. For many years now I have refused to drive by my childrens' childhood home (a home into which one of my children was born) because it has been trashed and looks horrible. It is obviously now a rental home. When it was purchased it was a cute little starter home for a young family with beautiful mature trees, rose bushes and flowering shrubs. And yes, the town has changed - a lot. My own hometown has changed a lot too, though there are still some good landmarks. Still, it is jarring to see the changes all these decades later.
This is something to be taken into consideration when driving an elderly person around. The last time my dad and I were in the town he lived in with his wife who passed 9 yrs ago, he wisely did not want to drive by it because it too had been gutted of every single tree and shrub, and is unrecognizable not to mention ugly now.
Yeah, not everyone has a green thumb, to put it mildly. Seeing a showpiece home decaying into something ugly with overgrown shrubs, trees, yanked out flowers, stained siding and roof is depressing. It's better to look at pictures of the house when it was well cared for.
There are other changes like road widenings, new construction, tear downs, etc that can really alter the way a place looks.
Just use your best judgement, Op. If the town hasn't changed too much it might be worth it for your mom to make that trip. When is the prettiest time of the year for a visit? Preferably there won't be snow or ice to contend with.
Last edited by springfieldva; 12-01-2022 at 09:54 AM..
Does your Mother have cognitive issues? If not, then respect that your Mother knows herself well enough to know if this is "too much".
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