Youth development (fit in, violent crime, house)

[Del to Corn]

We have had some challenges with our 14 year old son regarding disrespect towards us, lack of interest in school, and now his grades are poor for the first time. Granted we recently relocated from out of state over the summer, and he went to a private Christian school to a public school and started high school as well. However, the attitude, talking back, complaining when asked to do things, self-entitlement mind set is taking it's toll. He is active with a youth program at church as of recent. We're considering having him attend the below program for 14 weeks, starting next month. Has anyone had any experience with this program??? Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.



Thank you,

Sandy

Youth Development Initiatives

[Stella Artois]

Yes, all of us that have had a 14 year old. LOL! Hang in there, he will be fine when he is 18.

I used to teach middle school until I was lucky enough to go to the 5th grade where I refused to leave.

Somebody told me that nature made kids unbearable as teenagers to help parents when it was time for them to leave the nest. Good luck and hang in there.

[MA2NC]

Sounds like a lot has changed for your son recently...is he upset about all these changes? That may be where some of the attitude is coming from....but 14 is a tough age and as I recall I wasn't so pleasant at that age either! But I think I turned out ok!
Maybe he can speak with a therapist so that he can get his feelings out without feeling judged (as parents, we tend to do that!). That may help along with time to adjust to his new life.
I don't know anything about that program but hopefully someone else on here can chime in!

[taben]

I would work on some individual and family thereapy before you look to this program is my understanding is that some of the kids are at risk and have been in the juvenile court system. Your son may pick up more bad habits and make friends you would not choose, rather than improving. He has had a lot of changes and that coupled with his age can lead to ATTITUDE. Believe me, I have teens.
There are 3 things I have found that help:
1. Be SURE he is involved in something productive that he loves to do...sports team, band, theater group, scouts, etc. Find something. If he is busy in something he loves and is happy doing he is likely to feel better about himself, be happier, be out of the house more and be too tired and busy to have an attitude. There are a TON of options for teens in this city. A pass to the white water center changed my friend's son's attitude greatly. Another had her son get a job and that made a difference. Another I know of got her daughter greatly involved at Children's Theater. Get him in something. Now.
2. Pick your battles. Ignore the small stuff. Come down on him for non negotiables. Around here our teens can be in a bad mood as much as they want, but the rest of us don't have to deal with it. Rule? If you are being snappy and rude go to your room or outside until you have a better attitude. Want to talk about, we are here...always.
3. Make sure school is not a horrible situation. There is the regular adjustment and high school drama...but if it is more than that you may need to find an out.

Again, but your brief post it does not sound like he needs to be put in a long term program just yet. Maybe look at some other options first?

T

[brokensky]

What Taben relays is what I have heard, also. I do not know anything about this program first-hand, but what I have been told by someone else who works with at risk children is this is more like a boot camp for juvenile delinquents.

I don't think this is what you are looking for and I don't think it would be the right approach at this stage with your son, if the extent of the problems is no more dramatic than what you relay in your post.

Is there any chance of transferring him to a christian school? Are there any other programs through your church? Or other activities you can get him involved in elsewhere in the community?

The other thought is . . . perhaps your son is dealing with depression, wh/ would not be unusual after making this many major changes in his life. That may not be the case, but a session with a therapist to assess your son may not be a bad idea.

Good luck! They grow up so fast . . . in no time, you will be enjoying his company and this period of his life will seem very far behind. Just don't get discouraged in the meantime.

[Del to Corn]

Thank you all for your well wishes and comments. Our concerns have been for an extended period of time, even prior to moving here. He actually really likes it here and asked to go to a public school. He is making friends and seems to enjoy the school he's attending. He has natural sports ability and has been involved in sports since the age of 4. With a focus in soccer for the last 8 years. That was another thing, despite my efforts to reach out to coaches in advance, he just missed tryouts for soccer and football. :/ He's currently playing basketball for our town and is often at the Y with neighborhood boys who also are big sports guys. It's just like he's kind of floating through life without a real purpose or goal...he's not proactive at all about his studies/schooling. I am constantly after him to study and to make sure he's on top of things. He's been in counseling and it was advised to take a step back and let him learn the hard way if that is what it takes. I hate sitting back and potentially watching him fail, but at the same time he can't be so dependent on me to get him through H.S....he'll be lost in college (if he even makes it!). So, that is what I've been "trying" to do for the most part, and his grades are currently very poor- although report cards come out next week. He'll definitely be grounded until the grades are up, aside from youth and his team sport (as it's been advised from his counselor in the past to keep him involved in some type of sport). I just don't know how I've gotten it so wrong with him. He's had such a great life, has been exposed to wonderful vacations, trips, experiences. Has always played sports, some at a competitive level which required a lot of traveling. He's also been raised to give back, do charity work, be thankful and giving, donate, spend time in the word/scripture/church/youth. Has wonderful extended family etc. You'd think he had a horrible upbringing the way he walks around with a chip on his shoulder. :/

I did speak to the director/founder of this program, and he did confirm that some teens are in the program due to being court ordered for petty theft crimes, (although it's still not comforting, but there are non with violent crimes-as they are not accepted into the program). It is more of a life skills program...and my son would definitely be a minority which I was a bit concerned about how he'd fit in or if he'd even feel comfortable. I know our challenges seem petty compared to what it may be like for others...but it definitely brings a lot of frustration to our household and negativity. I am just mentally drained from the daily power struggles and having to get on him for the same things each day. Grounding, taking things away...does not seem to weigh in very much for him. I've purchased I don't know how many Christian and non-Christian based self help books for myself and him as well. He's currently reading a Search for Significance for teens. I will look more into the program, and at least go to the facility and observe and get a better feel for the program to make sure it will be a good fit for him. One thing I do know, is he is remorseful when he is disrespectful, and seems to want to change his ways and that is what gives me hope!!!

What makes it even more difficult is that we have a two year old daughter that we have to try to shelter the negative behavior from and that is a challenge in itself. :/

Thanks again for your advice.

[topchief1]

i think people can tend to forget that part of failing includes learning how to get up again

[CouponJack]

Originally Posted by Del to Corn

Thank you all for your well wishes and comments. Our concerns have been for an extended period of time, even prior to moving here. He actually really likes it here and asked to go to a public school. He is making friends and seems to enjoy the school he's attending. He has natural sports ability and has been involved in sports since the age of 4. With a focus in soccer for the last 8 years. That was another thing, despite my efforts to reach out to coaches in advance, he just missed tryouts for soccer and football. :/ He's currently playing basketball for our town and is often at the Y with neighborhood boys who also are big sports guys. It's just like he's kind of floating through life without a real purpose or goal...he's not proactive at all about his studies/schooling. I am constantly after him to study and to make sure he's on top of things. He's been in counseling and it was advised to take a step back and let him learn the hard way if that is what it takes. I hate sitting back and potentially watching him fail, but at the same time he can't be so dependent on me to get him through H.S....he'll be lost in college (if he even makes it!). So, that is what I've been "trying" to do for the most part, and his grades are currently very poor- although report cards come out next week. He'll definitely be grounded until the grades are up, aside from youth and his team sport (as it's been advised from his counselor in the past to keep him involved in some type of sport). I just don't know how I've gotten it so wrong with him. He's had such a great life, has been exposed to wonderful vacations, trips, experiences. Has always played sports, some at a competitive level which required a lot of traveling. He's also been raised to give back, do charity work, be thankful and giving, donate, spend time in the word/scripture/church/youth. Has wonderful extended family etc. You'd think he had a horrible upbringing the way he walks around with a chip on his shoulder. :/

I did speak to the director/founder of this program, and he did confirm that some teens are in the program due to being court ordered for petty theft crimes, (although it's still not comforting, but there are non with violent crimes-as they are not accepted into the program). It is more of a life skills program...and my son would definitely be a minority which I was a bit concerned about how he'd fit in or if he'd even feel comfortable. I know our challenges seem petty compared to what it may be like for others...but it definitely brings a lot of frustration to our household and negativity. I am just mentally drained from the daily power struggles and having to get on him for the same things each day. Grounding, taking things away...does not seem to weigh in very much for him. I've purchased I don't know how many Christian and non-Christian based self help books for myself and him as well. He's currently reading a Search for Significance for teens. I will look more into the program, and at least go to the facility and observe and get a better feel for the program to make sure it will be a good fit for him. One thing I do know, is he is remorseful when he is disrespectful, and seems to want to change his ways and that is what gives me hope!!!

What makes it even more difficult is that we have a two year old daughter that we have to try to shelter the negative behavior from and that is a challenge in itself. :/

Thanks again for your advice.

You made it real tough on him uprooting him at 14. He's probably a normal kid, but I'd make sure I'd know who he's hanging out w/him and also w/all teh /drugs around you need to be real careful. Good luck.