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First, I want to say I mean no offense by this post. I am not condemning anybody who is homosexual and is happy living that life. It is just not for me and I have no desire to continue living a gay lifestyle. I no longer have SEXUAL attractions to other men which is what homosexuality means to begin with.
For background, I grew up in a strict Baptist home. I was heavily involved in church and serving God throughout my entire upbringing. Somehow or another, when I was in my early teens I began to have attractions to other boys. There were times when I could control them but overall they kept getting stronger and stronger. At the same time, I had no male friends in high school, and had a distant relationship with my dad. For some reason I just never fit in with the guys...I am not effeminate but I am far from being an alpha-male. By the time I was 23, I had moved out of my parents' home. At first I was very happy and involved in my church, but over time I fell away. It was then that my homosexual desires became uncontrollably strong. I contacted a local Christian counselor in my area who was affiliated with Exodus International but he just made things worse. He stressed the importance of non-sexual male friendships (I will have more to say on this a little later) but I still just didn't fit in with the guys, and continued rejection by straight men even in the church made further deepened my emotional wound that was already as deep as the mariana trench. After a few months of counseling, I just couldn't emotionally take it anymore and made the disastrous decision to give into my homosexual desires. The result was a realization of every nightmare as I had as a teen. The promises of homosexuality to fulfill that desire I had for male bonding were cut short, and I was sent on an out of control train ride to hell.
Only a year and a half of decadent living left me halfway across the country chasing a guy, a completely destroyed career/resume, drug addiction, smoking addiction, hostile relationship with my parents, and a feeling of general hopelessness. I woke up one night in the middle of the night and thought to myself "how did this happen!" I did some deep soul searching and realized that living openly gay wasn't making me happy. This was May.
My entire social existence at that time was rooted in the LGBT community. Over the next few months, my roommate (who is a hardcore gay activist) became abusive as I distanced myself more and more from the gay community. I found my self-esteem sinking and sinking until I reached a point where I felt worthless. I tried a few churches but found it difficult given the situation I was in with my roommate. I felt deep shame about it and felt I would have to lie if anybody asked me about my life. Sometime during these months a light bulb went off in my head. I was not gay! Yes, I have same sex attractions, but it is not a sexual relationship I desire with a man...its a close bond like a boy has with his father or a teenager has with his best friend. I never experienced that growing up and my desire for that became increasingly eroticized over time. Nothing about sex with a man appeals to me. That said, finding a close, non-sexual friend of the same sex I believe is essential to my healing. Unfortunately, that will be the most difficult part.
In September, my apartment lease was up and I moved out of my living arrangement with my roommate.
Now I have begun my long road of recovery. I have become extremely lonely being that all my gay friends are out of my life and I have yet to assimilate back into straight society. I have little idea where to start as far as doing this. I still feel awkward in Christian surroundings having discussions with other Christians. How do I explain to them what brought me to the point I am at today? When I am trying churches and people ask me questions I come up with half-baked answers which I am sure sounds off to people. Its as if I am hiding something (and I am). I am so ashamed of my homosexual past I could never make it public because people wouldn't understand and I might lose potential friends. How do I make new friends to begin with?
My work schedule doesn't let me attend any weeknight events so I am pretty much left with Sunday morning church and thats not enough to really get to know people in a Christian setting. How do I find a close male non-sexual friend? At age 25 male friendships begin to decrease in importance, so it isn't quite as easy as it is at 15 or even 20 ...and given my circumstances I couldn't even manage it back then.
I have made it past mile marker 1, which is realizing the truth about my same sex attractions and why I have them, and then mile marker 2...leaving the LGBT subculture behind. I still have a long way to go and feel very lost.
Yes, I could go back into the LGBT community and get more immediate satisfaction out of that, but it will fall short because I am homoSOCIAL, not homosexual.
I know this was a long post and I appreciate anyone who reads it or replies.
First, I want to say I mean no offense by this post. I am not condemning anybody who is homosexual and is happy living that life. It is just not for me and I have no desire to continue living a gay lifestyle. I no longer have SEXUAL attractions to other men which is what homosexuality means to begin with.
For background, I grew up in a strict Baptist home. I was heavily involved in church and serving God throughout my entire upbringing. Somehow or another, when I was in my early teens I began to have attractions to other boys. There were times when I could control them but overall they kept getting stronger and stronger. At the same time, I had no male friends in high school, and had a distant relationship with my dad. For some reason I just never fit in with the guys...I am not effeminate but I am far from being an alpha-male. By the time I was 23, I had moved out of my parents' home. At first I was very happy and involved in my church, but over time I fell away. It was then that my homosexual desires became uncontrollably strong. I contacted a local Christian counselor in my area who was affiliated with Exodus International but he just made things worse. He stressed the importance of non-sexual male friendships (I will have more to say on this a little later) but I still just didn't fit in with the guys, and continued rejection by straight men even in the church made further deepened my emotional wound that was already as deep as the mariana trench. After a few months of counseling, I just couldn't emotionally take it anymore and made the disastrous decision to give into my homosexual desires. The result was a realization of every nightmare as I had as a teen. The promises of homosexuality to fulfill that desire I had for male bonding were cut short, and I was sent on an out of control train ride to hell.
Only a year and a half of decadent living left me halfway across the country chasing a guy, a completely destroyed career/resume, drug addiction, smoking addiction, hostile relationship with my parents, and a feeling of general hopelessness. I woke up one night in the middle of the night and thought to myself "how did this happen!" I did some deep soul searching and realized that living openly gay wasn't making me happy. This was May.
My entire social existence at that time was rooted in the LGBT community. Over the next few months, my roommate (who is a hardcore gay activist) became abusive as I distanced myself more and more from the gay community. I found my self-esteem sinking and sinking until I reached a point where I felt worthless. I tried a few churches but found it difficult given the situation I was in with my roommate. I felt deep shame about it and felt I would have to lie if anybody asked me about my life. Sometime during these months a light bulb went off in my head. I was not gay! Yes, I have same sex attractions, but it is not a sexual relationship I desire with a man...its a close bond like a boy has with his father or a teenager has with his best friend. I never experienced that growing up and my desire for that became increasingly eroticized over time. Nothing about sex with a man appeals to me. That said, finding a close, non-sexual friend of the same sex I believe is essential to my healing. Unfortunately, that will be the most difficult part.
In September, my apartment lease was up and I moved out of my living arrangement with my roommate.
Now I have begun my long road of recovery. I have become extremely lonely being that all my gay friends are out of my life and I have yet to assimilate back into straight society. I have little idea where to start as far as doing this. I still feel awkward in Christian surroundings having discussions with other Christians. How do I explain to them what brought me to the point I am at today? When I am trying churches and people ask me questions I come up with half-baked answers which I am sure sounds off to people. Its as if I am hiding something (and I am). I am so ashamed of my homosexual past I could never make it public because people wouldn't understand and I might lose potential friends. How do I make new friends to begin with?
My work schedule doesn't let me attend any weeknight events so I am pretty much left with Sunday morning church and thats not enough to really get to know people in a Christian setting. How do I find a close male non-sexual friend? At age 25 male friendships begin to decrease in importance, so it isn't quite as easy as it is at 15 or even 20 ...and given my circumstances I couldn't even manage it back then.
I have made it past mile marker 1, which is realizing the truth about my same sex attractions and why I have them, and then mile marker 2...leaving the LGBT subculture behind. I still have a long way to go and feel very lost.
Yes, I could go back into the LGBT community and get more immediate satisfaction out of that, but it will fall short because I am homoSOCIAL, not homosexual.
I know this was a long post and I appreciate anyone who reads it or replies.
I know some with disagree with me. But you made a decision that glorifies God, and I will pray for you. I have always believed that God becomes glorified the moment we deny self, and throw in our towels to Him, asking God to deliver us from what ever bad habits, addictions, sexual sins, and out right ignorance of sins that are present in our lives.
It's interesting how you said that you will begin your long road of recovery. All Christians are recovering somethings, and that's the realization that we can't live for ourselves anymore by living in total rebellion. We have to totally surrender our problems over to God, and simply obey and trust Him so that we can grow in sanctification daily.
I commend you on your effort to live a holy and righteous life. I hope when the wolves come out to condemn you for not wanting to engage in the homosexual lifestyle anymore, just know that God will reward you for your living sacrifice to Him.
I know some with disagree with me. But you made a decision that glorifies God, and I will pray for you. I have always believed that God becomes glorified the moment we deny self, and throw in our towels to Him, asking God to deliver us from what ever bad habits, addictions, sexual sins, and out right ignorance of sins that are present in our lives.
It's interesting how you said that you will begin your long road of recovery. All Christians are recovering somethings, and that's the realization that we can't live for ourselves anymore by living in total rebellion. We have to totally surrender our problems over to God, and simply obey and trust Him so that we can grow in sanctification daily.
I commend you on your effort to live a holy and righteous life. I hope when the wolves come out to condemn you for not wanting to engage in the homosexual lifestyle anymore, just know that God will reward you for your living sacrifice to Him.
I don't think you quite understand how the "wolves" think. I would never condemn anyone for thinking they are not a homosexual and deciding that they want to engage in a heterosexual lifestyle. I just want people to figure out who they are and love themselves and accept themselves for who they are. If you are gay - that's great. If you are staight, that's great. It's all about finding yourself. You need to be at peace with who you are before you can be at peace with your life. It's not about wanting someone to be gay or wanting someone to be straight - it's about wanting someone to find whoever they are and being able to love themselves.
Once you understand yourself and you love yourself, it's much easier to be happier with your life. If you love yourself, it's easier to open yourself up to others and to be loved in return.
I don't think you quite understand how the "wolves" think. I would never condemn anyone for thinking they are not a homosexual and deciding that they want to engage in a heterosexual lifestyle. I just want people to figure out who they are and love themselves and accept themselves for who they are. If you are gay - that's great. If you are staight, that's great. It's all about finding yourself. You need to be at peace with who you are before you can be at peace with your life. It's not about wanting someone to be gay or wanting someone to be straight - it's about wanting someone to find whoever they are and being able to love themselves.
Once you understand yourself and you love yourself, it's much easier to be happier with your life. If you love yourself, it's easier to open yourself up to others and to be loved in return.
Totally agree. We must know ourselves before we can truely be happy. If we continue to hide behind others, all we're doing is destroying our own soul. Love is who we are and love is where we're going. If we can't find love within, it will be impossible to find love outside of ourselves.
First, I want to say I mean no offense by this post. I am not condemning anybody who is homosexual and is happy living that life. It is just not for me and I have no desire to continue living a gay lifestyle. I no longer have SEXUAL attractions to other men which is what homosexuality means to begin with.
For background, I grew up in a strict Baptist home. I was heavily involved in church and serving God throughout my entire upbringing. Somehow or another, when I was in my early teens I began to have attractions to other boys. There were times when I could control them but overall they kept getting stronger and stronger. At the same time, I had no male friends in high school, and had a distant relationship with my dad. For some reason I just never fit in with the guys...I am not effeminate but I am far from being an alpha-male. By the time I was 23, I had moved out of my parents' home. At first I was very happy and involved in my church, but over time I fell away. It was then that my homosexual desires became uncontrollably strong. I contacted a local Christian counselor in my area who was affiliated with Exodus International but he just made things worse. He stressed the importance of non-sexual male friendships (I will have more to say on this a little later) but I still just didn't fit in with the guys, and continued rejection by straight men even in the church made further deepened my emotional wound that was already as deep as the mariana trench. After a few months of counseling, I just couldn't emotionally take it anymore and made the disastrous decision to give into my homosexual desires. The result was a realization of every nightmare as I had as a teen. The promises of homosexuality to fulfill that desire I had for male bonding were cut short, and I was sent on an out of control train ride to hell.
Only a year and a half of decadent living left me halfway across the country chasing a guy, a completely destroyed career/resume, drug addiction, smoking addiction, hostile relationship with my parents, and a feeling of general hopelessness. I woke up one night in the middle of the night and thought to myself "how did this happen!" I did some deep soul searching and realized that living openly gay wasn't making me happy. This was May.
My entire social existence at that time was rooted in the LGBT community. Over the next few months, my roommate (who is a hardcore gay activist) became abusive as I distanced myself more and more from the gay community. I found my self-esteem sinking and sinking until I reached a point where I felt worthless. I tried a few churches but found it difficult given the situation I was in with my roommate. I felt deep shame about it and felt I would have to lie if anybody asked me about my life. Sometime during these months a light bulb went off in my head. I was not gay! Yes, I have same sex attractions, but it is not a sexual relationship I desire with a man...its a close bond like a boy has with his father or a teenager has with his best friend. I never experienced that growing up and my desire for that became increasingly eroticized over time. Nothing about sex with a man appeals to me. That said, finding a close, non-sexual friend of the same sex I believe is essential to my healing. Unfortunately, that will be the most difficult part.
In September, my apartment lease was up and I moved out of my living arrangement with my roommate.
Now I have begun my long road of recovery. I have become extremely lonely being that all my gay friends are out of my life and I have yet to assimilate back into straight society. I have little idea where to start as far as doing this. I still feel awkward in Christian surroundings having discussions with other Christians. How do I explain to them what brought me to the point I am at today? When I am trying churches and people ask me questions I come up with half-baked answers which I am sure sounds off to people. Its as if I am hiding something (and I am). I am so ashamed of my homosexual past I could never make it public because people wouldn't understand and I might lose potential friends. How do I make new friends to begin with?
My work schedule doesn't let me attend any weeknight events so I am pretty much left with Sunday morning church and thats not enough to really get to know people in a Christian setting. How do I find a close male non-sexual friend? At age 25 male friendships begin to decrease in importance, so it isn't quite as easy as it is at 15 or even 20 ...and given my circumstances I couldn't even manage it back then.
I have made it past mile marker 1, which is realizing the truth about my same sex attractions and why I have them, and then mile marker 2...leaving the LGBT subculture behind. I still have a long way to go and feel very lost.
Yes, I could go back into the LGBT community and get more immediate satisfaction out of that, but it will fall short because I am homoSOCIAL, not homosexual.
I know this was a long post and I appreciate anyone who reads it or replies.
Whatever you think is right is what you should do, but I honestly think most people don't get it and no offense to you, but I don't think you do either.
You may understand that you no longer are attracted to the same sex, but when you say you are no longer going to "live" the homosexual lifestyle what is it exactly that your going to do as a heterosexual that makes things any better.
If you were sleeping around with the same sex are you now going to sleep around with the opposite sex?
If not then probably what is likely happening is that you were a monogomous gay person who is probably bailing out of a long term relationship because you feel guilty and want life easier. In reality forsaking that relationship is probably leaving someone hurt which makes you responsible for that. However Christianity will allow you to feel better about that because it will tell you that the other person was just as wrong, but that is a lie.
See even in Christianity it is much easier and less guilt is imposed on you if you sleep around as a heterosexual than to sleep with no one and say you are gay and believe that God is not against it in the first place.
But in reality if you are now going to "live" the heterosexual lifestyle, your simply gonna sleep around with the opposite sex when the truth is that you haven't actually changed to a more godly lifestyle to begin with, it is just easier to do.
First, I want to say I mean no offense by this post. I am not condemning anybody who is homosexual and is happy living that life. It is just not for me and I have no desire to continue living a gay lifestyle. I no longer have SEXUAL attractions to other men which is what homosexuality means to begin with.
For background, I grew up in a strict Baptist home. I was heavily involved in church and serving God throughout my entire upbringing. Somehow or another, when I was in my early teens I began to have attractions to other boys. There were times when I could control them but overall they kept getting stronger and stronger. At the same time, I had no male friends in high school, and had a distant relationship with my dad. For some reason I just never fit in with the guys...I am not effeminate but I am far from being an alpha-male. By the time I was 23, I had moved out of my parents' home. At first I was very happy and involved in my church, but over time I fell away. It was then that my homosexual desires became uncontrollably strong. I contacted a local Christian counselor in my area who was affiliated with Exodus International but he just made things worse. He stressed the importance of non-sexual male friendships (I will have more to say on this a little later) but I still just didn't fit in with the guys, and continued rejection by straight men even in the church made further deepened my emotional wound that was already as deep as the mariana trench. After a few months of counseling, I just couldn't emotionally take it anymore and made the disastrous decision to give into my homosexual desires. The result was a realization of every nightmare as I had as a teen. The promises of homosexuality to fulfill that desire I had for male bonding were cut short, and I was sent on an out of control train ride to hell.
Only a year and a half of decadent living left me halfway across the country chasing a guy, a completely destroyed career/resume, drug addiction, smoking addiction, hostile relationship with my parents, and a feeling of general hopelessness. I woke up one night in the middle of the night and thought to myself "how did this happen!" I did some deep soul searching and realized that living openly gay wasn't making me happy. This was May.
My entire social existence at that time was rooted in the LGBT community. Over the next few months, my roommate (who is a hardcore gay activist) became abusive as I distanced myself more and more from the gay community. I found my self-esteem sinking and sinking until I reached a point where I felt worthless. I tried a few churches but found it difficult given the situation I was in with my roommate. I felt deep shame about it and felt I would have to lie if anybody asked me about my life. Sometime during these months a light bulb went off in my head. I was not gay! Yes, I have same sex attractions, but it is not a sexual relationship I desire with a man...its a close bond like a boy has with his father or a teenager has with his best friend. I never experienced that growing up and my desire for that became increasingly eroticized over time. Nothing about sex with a man appeals to me. That said, finding a close, non-sexual friend of the same sex I believe is essential to my healing. Unfortunately, that will be the most difficult part.
In September, my apartment lease was up and I moved out of my living arrangement with my roommate.
Now I have begun my long road of recovery. I have become extremely lonely being that all my gay friends are out of my life and I have yet to assimilate back into straight society. I have little idea where to start as far as doing this. I still feel awkward in Christian surroundings having discussions with other Christians. How do I explain to them what brought me to the point I am at today? When I am trying churches and people ask me questions I come up with half-baked answers which I am sure sounds off to people. Its as if I am hiding something (and I am). I am so ashamed of my homosexual past I could never make it public because people wouldn't understand and I might lose potential friends. How do I make new friends to begin with?
My work schedule doesn't let me attend any weeknight events so I am pretty much left with Sunday morning church and thats not enough to really get to know people in a Christian setting. How do I find a close male non-sexual friend? At age 25 male friendships begin to decrease in importance, so it isn't quite as easy as it is at 15 or even 20 ...and given my circumstances I couldn't even manage it back then.
I have made it past mile marker 1, which is realizing the truth about my same sex attractions and why I have them, and then mile marker 2...leaving the LGBT subculture behind. I still have a long way to go and feel very lost.
Yes, I could go back into the LGBT community and get more immediate satisfaction out of that, but it will fall short because I am homoSOCIAL, not homosexual.
I know this was a long post and I appreciate anyone who reads it or replies.
Dear BDubLR...God Bless you and keep you in His loving care.
Please, do not look to man for your comfort right now...look only unto the Lord Jesus Christ. Right now you are in a very vulnerable state...don't trust anyone else with your heart...give it totally to God...get on your knees and pray precious one...pray fervently for Him to lead you and guide you in the way you should go...be still...be quiet...listen to your heart...listen for that still small voice that speaks only when you have quieted yourself to hear. Be still and listen...you do not need the acceptance of man..and believe me, God will bring someone into your life who He knows who will help you walk a good spiritual walk worthy of the Lord...you will know you can trust this person with your deepest feelings, who will not judge you for your past...and you can begin to heal and grow in the love of God, which surpasses all love...and find the Friend, Who, above any friend you could ever find on the face of this earth...His name is Jesus...and He loves you...and you are going through this because you are suppossed to be going through this...God wants you as His, He created you...and He gave His only Son, Jesus, to wipe away all your past sins...all you have to do is believe and receive the gift God gave...Jesus, and obey His will for your life...to eventually walk as Jesus walked...righteous and holy...and you can, because He said you can...and he is not a God who can lie....God gave Jesus to give you the ability to overcome your sinful nature...for good.
You are going to be fine...you will learn to love yourself as He loves you...and you will learn to love the Lord with all of your heart..soul...and strength...if you seek Him with all of your heart...you will find Him...and your life will be a good life...and eternity will be something you will look forward to...in Him and Him alone.
I will keep you in my prayers...
In Christ's love...and prayerfully in His truth,
Verna.
First, I want to say I mean no offense by this post. I am not condemning anybody who is homosexual and is happy living that life. It is just not for me and I have no desire to continue living a gay lifestyle. I no longer have SEXUAL attractions to other men which is what homosexuality means to begin with.
For background, I grew up in a strict Baptist home. I was heavily involved in church and serving God throughout my entire upbringing. Somehow or another, when I was in my early teens I began to have attractions to other boys. There were times when I could control them but overall they kept getting stronger and stronger. At the same time, I had no male friends in high school, and had a distant relationship with my dad. For some reason I just never fit in with the guys...I am not effeminate but I am far from being an alpha-male. By the time I was 23, I had moved out of my parents' home. At first I was very happy and involved in my church, but over time I fell away. It was then that my homosexual desires became uncontrollably strong. I contacted a local Christian counselor in my area who was affiliated with Exodus International but he just made things worse. He stressed the importance of non-sexual male friendships (I will have more to say on this a little later) but I still just didn't fit in with the guys, and continued rejection by straight men even in the church made further deepened my emotional wound that was already as deep as the mariana trench. After a few months of counseling, I just couldn't emotionally take it anymore and made the disastrous decision to give into my homosexual desires. The result was a realization of every nightmare as I had as a teen. The promises of homosexuality to fulfill that desire I had for male bonding were cut short, and I was sent on an out of control train ride to hell.
Only a year and a half of decadent living left me halfway across the country chasing a guy, a completely destroyed career/resume, drug addiction, smoking addiction, hostile relationship with my parents, and a feeling of general hopelessness. I woke up one night in the middle of the night and thought to myself "how did this happen!" I did some deep soul searching and realized that living openly gay wasn't making me happy. This was May.
My entire social existence at that time was rooted in the LGBT community. Over the next few months, my roommate (who is a hardcore gay activist) became abusive as I distanced myself more and more from the gay community. I found my self-esteem sinking and sinking until I reached a point where I felt worthless. I tried a few churches but found it difficult given the situation I was in with my roommate. I felt deep shame about it and felt I would have to lie if anybody asked me about my life. Sometime during these months a light bulb went off in my head. I was not gay! Yes, I have same sex attractions, but it is not a sexual relationship I desire with a man...its a close bond like a boy has with his father or a teenager has with his best friend. I never experienced that growing up and my desire for that became increasingly eroticized over time. Nothing about sex with a man appeals to me. That said, finding a close, non-sexual friend of the same sex I believe is essential to my healing. Unfortunately, that will be the most difficult part.
In September, my apartment lease was up and I moved out of my living arrangement with my roommate.
Now I have begun my long road of recovery. I have become extremely lonely being that all my gay friends are out of my life and I have yet to assimilate back into straight society. I have little idea where to start as far as doing this. I still feel awkward in Christian surroundings having discussions with other Christians. How do I explain to them what brought me to the point I am at today? When I am trying churches and people ask me questions I come up with half-baked answers which I am sure sounds off to people. Its as if I am hiding something (and I am). I am so ashamed of my homosexual past I could never make it public because people wouldn't understand and I might lose potential friends. How do I make new friends to begin with?
My work schedule doesn't let me attend any weeknight events so I am pretty much left with Sunday morning church and thats not enough to really get to know people in a Christian setting. How do I find a close male non-sexual friend? At age 25 male friendships begin to decrease in importance, so it isn't quite as easy as it is at 15 or even 20 ...and given my circumstances I couldn't even manage it back then.
I have made it past mile marker 1, which is realizing the truth about my same sex attractions and why I have them, and then mile marker 2...leaving the LGBT subculture behind. I still have a long way to go and feel very lost.
Yes, I could go back into the LGBT community and get more immediate satisfaction out of that, but it will fall short because I am homoSOCIAL, not homosexual.
I know this was a long post and I appreciate anyone who reads it or replies.
BDubLR, I am impressed with your testemony. You are on the right path. Aim towards Jesus.
I have a friend who was Gay, I prayed for him and left the Homosexual life style. He knew what happpened to him, very similar circustance to yours.
Don't think that you are bothering anyone with your testemony. People need to hear it. Talk to your Christian brothers and sisters about it. They should be understanding if they truely are Christians.
My daughter has wanted to learn how to horse back ride. I was recomended by a friend to a farm that was close to where I live. I found out that the owners were Gay. I took my daughter to see the farm and she was very positive about the farm and the instructors (now we did go to several farms, but this farm was the cheapest and close and the men were very nice and positive and appear to know what they were doing). So, I talked to my wife about the situation. We agreed that we believe that God loves people and that it is the sin he hates. We want our children to love people and not fear or hate people because of their race or gender or sexual orientation, etc. So, my daughter is now getting horse back ridding lessons at this particular farm. Now, if their rates go up or their services go down hill, then we will have to look elsewhere, since this is business. But we will not reject them based on their sexual orientation.
Don't worry BDubLR you will find male friends. Remember that a freind is someone who is friendly. So, be freindly and before you know it you will find some good long term friends.
This is my opinion for what it is worth, as a straight female who has been on the planet for awhile.
You are dealing with several separate and distinct issues in your life, so work on getting yourself to a healthy, balanced place, and from there you will gain satisfying relationships. I think you are looking for other people to "fix" you, but I think when you are fixed the relationships you crave will come. Try to mend fences with your family.
You say you have had struggles with drugs and alcohol, so perhaps your route to support and friendship are some support groups like AA. You cannot get your Moderator cut: inappropriate language together emotionally until you are sober.
I do not believe homosexuals can just flip a switch and change their orientation. You can, of course, choose to abstain from sex, but that won't make you straight.
If I were you, I would stay away from churches right now unless they have a strong history of support for gay people. Instead if being a square peg in a round hole, go to one of the many supportive churches (some Episcopal and Presbyterian churches being two of them). Being raised in the strict Baptist ethos doesn't mean there aren't other opinions about what is right. The Protestant church is made up of many different slants on things, so you don't need to feel guilty because you can no longer fit comfortably into your former church. In the meantime, you can find the Lord anywhere you are at any time, and I truly believe that if you pray for guidance you will receive it.
Don't beat yourself up over the bad choice of boyfriend. Just learn from it and do not repeat the mistake. This sort of thing happens to everyone...straight or gay.
Finally, I have always found that when you feel empty, it's not that you need to GET more, it's that you need to GIVE more. Go work on a Habitat house, or volunteer at an animal shelter, or soup kitchen...anywhere where there are other giving people, and you will feel better.
If you were my son, I'd give you a big hug and tell you to follow my advise.
Bdub, first, I do think that you should be cautious as far as who you make friends with in the Christian community. Not all are loving people and a lot of them are self -rightous.The true loving Christain will not make an issue out of your past. They`ve all had a past themselves. You could try a mens Bible study.If you don`t feel like you fit into one, try another. Observe who the REAL Godly me are and seek a friendship with them.
Don`t listen to those who try and tell you that "you are still gay" or that "it is ok to be a Christian and be gay." That is just a trap from the enemy. You already seem to know that but I just wanted to encourage you to stay on the path that you are on and to perservere. Being around other believers will help you do that also.
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We must know ourselves before we can truely be happy. If we continue to hide behind others, all we're doing is destroying our own soul. Love is who we are and love is where we're going. If we can't find love within, it will be impossible to find love outside of ourselves.
