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They wouldn't speak to me like that. They would be out of my life in an instant. What is it with Asians and letting their parents treat them like crap? I'll never understand it.
I would highly suggest you get a job and only tackle school on a part-time basis. Pay for school on your own and get the grades that YOU want to get. I totally understand that some parents want to help their kids with college and the contingency on that is that they get good grades. But the parents belittling you like this is unacceptable.
Stick up for yourself. Pay for your next college semester on your own. When your father asks you what your grades are tell him its none of his damn business. That's what I told my mother around late Freshman year. She wasn't paying for my school, so I told her it was none of her business what my grades were. I am a B student and VERY happy with that. Parental ridiculed ended at 18 for me.
What is it with Asians and letting their parents treat them like crap? I'll never understand it.
Asians have a very, very strong "respect your elders" mentality. It's a big damn deal. At least among the more hardcore, more recent Asian immigrant families. Mixed and Americanized Asian families -- not so much.
I said 'screw all that' myself. Chinese-American (father mainland Chinese and a PhD, mom white) and enlisted into the Army (yes, the Army) at age 18 as a drastic, yet very proactive measure against this issue. Being completely cut loose at 18 was one of the reasons why I joined.
Our emphasis, as a race, on academics, I feel has many negative consequences. Overbearing parents and stressed children, being two of them.
Last edited by Alphalogica; 07-14-2011 at 03:48 AM..
Did you recently go to school, because that does not sound legal to send grades out like that?
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Originally Posted by JordanJP
My university sends grades out to home addresses as well.. must be pretty common, or at least, my uni is wierd. Whatever.
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
I don't know the legalities of sending out grades, but I do know that in the case of many educationally-related legalities, public schools must adhere, but private schools are exempt and can do things according to their own systems.
I sat on a Student Welfare and Retention Committee and we pretty much dealt with FERPA for two years straight; primarily because too many "helicopter" parents want[ed] to know too much info about their kids. Sure you paid [are paying] for their education, but that does not give you any right to call a Prof in the middle of class to ask if so-and-so is in attendance...Yes, that has actually happened a few times.
When you register for school, the institution collects two addresses. One address is the address of the student-where the student will reside physically while school is in session. Dorm room, off-campus housing, etc. The second address is the permanent address and 90% of the time this is going to be the parent's or guardian's address by default. All mail gets sent to the permanent address, but the student can at any time change this, to your best friends address if you like, for example.
Sending grades through mail, to what ever address, doesn't violate FERPA. When you accept a university's offer of enrollment, you are agreeing to abide by that universities policies. If the university has a policy of mailing out grades to the permanent address, then they are well within their legal right to do since the student does have control over where they ultimately get sent (FERPA is basically a bunch of "default settings" designed to protect the students privacy. But, these "settings" can be modified by request of the student to share as much information as they like with particular parties).
Of course all of this is outlined in the Student Handbook. And of course, no one ever reads those things.
However, it is illegal for a professor, or the university, to post grades in the hallway or on a publicly viewable website.
As for private schools: the law is that if a school receives Federal funding, they must abide by FERPA, which rules out most private and parochial K-12. Federal student loans are considered a form of Federal funding, so if a private college or university participates in the Federal Student Loan program, then they too must abide by FERPA.
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Originally Posted by Aconite
He is an Indian father whose child is showing every indication of becoming assimilated. He wants what he thinks is best for you, which doesn't include assimilation, doesn't like his diminishing control, and responds with anger.
I grew up with two Indian friends. Their parents where not this controlling. To say that it is a cultural thing, to dismiss his jerky attitude as cultural, is a copout and doesn't make it okay.
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Originally Posted by captain_hug99
If the OP is over 18, he has every right to have his grades sent where he wants. Universities have no right to send grades to parents as the OP would be an adult. He could get a P.O. Box and have them sent there.
The school is not sending the grades to the parent specifically. The letter will arrive addressed to the student, which makes it the student's property. The school is just sending it to the permanent address specified by the student. The permanent address is just the address that the school (and student) believe is the best address to send correspondence on a regular basis since it is [supposed to be] the address that the student will always have access to.
Asians have a very, very strong "respect your elders" mentality. It's a big damn deal. At least among the more hardcore, more recent Asian immigrant families. Mixed and Americanized Asian families -- not so much.
I said 'screw all that' myself. Chinese-American (father mainland Chinese and a PhD, mom white) and enlisted into the Army (yes, the Army) at age 18 as a drastic, yet very proactive measure against this issue. Being completely cut loose at 18 was one of the reasons why I joined.
Our emphasis, as a race, on academics, I feel has many negative consequences. Overbearing parents and stressed children, being two of them.
Good for you for having the courage to stand up to your parents and to do what you wanted with your life.
I think its a very good quality of Asian Americans that they put such an emphasis on education, but stressing a kid to the point of depression is just too much.
This is an asian parent thing.
We all went through it (though it was my mom, not my dad who harped on us).
When you are not financially dependent on them, you can do whatever you want.
He is probably frustrated that you are not living up to your potential (which, btw, you ADMIT).
I don't know how to make him have a good personality, but until then, work harder and ignore the negativity as much as possible.
Btw, while we somewhat resented it at the time, my bro and I are more successful than 99% of the people on here who are agreeing with your unappreciative, whiney attitude...so you can be one of them or you can go really far in your life. Your choice. My parents chose our well-being over being popular with us. Now they have both our respect and our gratitude.
We all went through it (though it was my mom, not my dad who harped on us).
Not I, said the fly.
By the time I left the military, my college was paid for by another entity, thus negating the need for my Chinese dad (who BTW is very liberal for an Asian parent having married a blonde white woman) to give a rats ass. Any discussion about grades was just brought up during a casual conversation on the back deck. No threats of financial cut-off involved. (No need)
As my father escaped Communism to study at Washington State right when China opened up in '79 (back when Chinese intl. students were rare. I believe he was the first Chinese intl. student at WSU.), he has a real strong independence and self-reliance ethos.
Last edited by Alphalogica; 07-14-2011 at 05:40 PM..
Do you work outside of school right now? How old are you? If you're not working somewhere, I would consider doing that, or getting financial aid to go to school if you can. This way you're more or less responsible for your own financial issues on school and your dad has less ground to have his nose in it. BTW 3.6 is pretty good. Good luck.
By the time I left the military, my college was paid for by another entity, thus negating the need for my Chinese dad (who BTW is very liberal for an Asian parent having married a blonde white woman) to give a rats ass. Any discussion about grades was just brought up during a casual conversation on the back deck. No threats of financial cut-off involved. (No need)
As my father escaped Communism to study at Washington State right when China opened up in '79 (back when Chinese intl. students were rare. I believe he was the first Chinese intl. student at WSU.), he has a real strong independence and self-reliance ethos.
Yes, my parents are pretty liberal for asian parents, too (as I am gay and they love my wife)...and they have never threatened to cut me off financially, but grades and scholastic and work performance were always stressed very highly. Same with athletic performance.
Frankly, I meet way more people who wish they had more guidance and more pushing when they were young than people who are resentful towards their parents for pushing them.
Ok, well, my parents are NOT liberal for Indian parents. They demand that I don't date until I am finished with school, which I don't anyway.
As for me not living up to potential, yes. If I locked myself in my room and studied all day, I might have a 3.8. Not worth it.
anyway, that wouldn't even make them happy. So more not worth it. Plus I am a human being. not a robot. and I am not a genius either. Most of the class averages in my classes are between 40-60%. Considering that, I am one of the top students in my department.
Your take on your grades is correct: a 3.6 average freshman year in a hard major is pretty damn good.
Since he treats everyone this way that should be all the proof you need that his attitude is not about you at all. He is impossible to please. I would work to get to a place where I can ignore his chattering and go about my business. I would also plot on getting a job straight out of school so I could gain financial independence and ignore him properly. LOL.
Don't go to grad school if you don't want to. You can do what you have to do until you graduate with you bachelors to keep the peace if you want.
Perhaps you can find a faculty member or an academic counselor to talk to at school to help you get anther perspective on your options? It can help to have another adult who can give you positive feedback instead on constant mental takedowns.
I think this is good advice. Also, seek out care and support. Your school probably has a counseling center, and this is usually free, continuously available while you are a student, and private (your parents will not find out.) Its worth your time to visit with them.
If not, or if you don't take to the counselors there, then look around the community for spiritual support. Ministers in many university towns have a non-denominational approach -- they tend to appreciate diversity and won't reprimand you for your beliefs. There may be a Newman Center (Catholic), a United Christian center, or other centers where students go. Those are places you can find someone to talk to, whether it is a minister, or peers.
If you don't feel comfortable doing this in your town or at your university, drive an hour to the next town where no one knows you and find the resources and support that are there (I'm including that advice because that is what I did.)
It's important to take care of yourself. Really, even though your parents probably have the right to ask you about your grades because they are paying for it, regardless of that -- you are being bullied. That takes its toll over time. Being around people who throw their anger around, takes its toll over time. Build yourself up, become stronger as a person. Surround yourself with positive, kind people who like you just as you are, and are unconditionally supportive.
Best wishes and take good care. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a strong will. You should do fine.
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