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Advise him to drop out of school, and return when he's ready. If that point never comes, so be it.
If he is truly intelligent and motivated, he'll come back with a vengeance and finish a degree in something he chose with foresight and do well. It'll save a lot of wasted time and $.
A little anecdote. My nephew nearly flunked out of high school, ended up getting married after his sophomore year (he was getting all Ds & Fs when he dropped out) because his girlfriend got pregnant. He worked full time to support his new family.
After a number of years, he finally "got his act together" , enrolled in a great University, graduated with a straight A average and went on to a very high paying career as an engineer.
Hmmm, nearly flunked out of high school, never graduated HS (later got a GED) and ended up with a 4 point average at a great University-----that shows the difference between someone who is immature and lazy and someone who is truly ready for college.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-22-2013 at 12:41 PM..
He was going to class and not getting "F"s when he lived at home.
Have him move back home and continue going to class, just like when he lived at home before. The biggest issue now is his GPA probably went down from 2.8 to 2.0 due to last semester. Can he aim for an AS in Comp Science or IS or equiv? This might help him obtain a goal...where a BS might seem unattainable from his viewpoint.
If he gets an AS in Comp Science from the CC, he might get his foot in the door for some low end IT jobs where he can start a career and be self supporting. Maybe he can get some good work exerience and move up the ranks. While he is working, he can decide if he wants to work and finish his other 2 years of college to get a BS..or just work and have an AS.
An AS is better than nothing. I think in his case seeing the 'finish line' of an AS might be very good for him, from a mental standpoint. He might throw in the towel on a BS if it seems like too many years of study...especially at his current pace.
honestly, if he got 640 on his Math SAT but is flailing in college, I'd look at drug/alcohol/substance use or abuse, or even mental health issues like depression, anxiety, schizophrenia as the source of his problems. It's more than motivation or lack of focus. He definitely should move back home where you can observe his activities. Maybe get him into a structured routine with his schedule blocked out hour by hour, like he were back in high school again. Many teens crave that kind of discipline & assurance of assigned responsibility, since not all are mature enough to plan for their futures. That's why the military is a popular option with young adults. It gives them the chance to grow up & become self-aware & gain perspective in a tightly-controlled environment.
"Advise him to drop out of school, and return when he's ready. If that point never comes, so be it."
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
A little anecdote. My nephew nearly flunked out of high school, ended up getting married after his sophomore year (he was getting all Ds & Fs when he dropped out) because his girlfriend got pregnant. He worked full time to support his new family.
After a number of years, he finally "got his act together" , enrolled in a great University, graduated with a straight A average and went on to a very high paying career as an engineer.
Hmmm, nearly flunked out of high school, never graduated HS (later got a GED) and ended up with a 4 point average at a great University-----that shows the difference between someone who is immature and lazy and someone who is truly ready for college.
"Advise him to drop out of school, and return when he's ready. If that point never comes, so be it."
That's the part of the quote I noticed the most. My son only has a mom and grandmom for a family. I surely could close my eyes a whole lot easier taking the College Professor's advice and allow him to stay in school while he has some knowledge retained and the odds are better that he will graduate by staying in now.
Every person is unique and different. We are setting a deadline for grades and on campus employment.
As an instructor of college students, I'm sorry to say that your son is not out of the ordinary at all. He has joined a large group of students who have the unfortunate experience of simply being unable to handle independent life at that age. Just guessing (I'm sure there is a statistic somewhere, but I don't know it) I'd say between 10 and 20 percent of students completely bomb out their first year of school. Maybe even more. They simply stop attending class. Sometimes it is precipitated by some crisis - a breakup with a girlfriend, an illness in the family, etc. Sometimes there is no reason at all, except that they have never had that much freedom before and aren't ready to impose self-discipline, so they stay up all night playing computer games, sleep through classes, and other stupid stuff. So much unstructured time is not good for some people. It can also cause depression and anxiety.
I think the best solution is just to have him come home and live with you again. He isn't ready to be on his own. Perhaps, if possible, you could give him a semblance of independence in some way at home - maybe a room in another part of the house, his own car, no curfew, something. He needs the structure and more of a routine. If he is going to work part time, then a job on campus is best, even if it's just a few hours and doesn't pay well. It keeps him connected to the school, which is important.
I suggest NOT letting him drop out. Kids who drop out might never return. While living at home, encourage him to meet with professors as often as possible for extra help. Make sure he goes to class EVERY day. Attendance his key - there should be no excuse ever for missing even a single class. Also, he needs to get out of those remedial skills classes as soon as possible - studies have shown that they actually lead to more drop outs than anything else. I don't see why he needs them anyway - he was doing OK before when he lived at home. His skills haven't disappeared, just his motivation to attend class and do his work. Remedial classes actually reduce motivation. They DO increase time to graduation (obviously not a good thing for someone who doesn't like school).
Also, stop blaming everything else for his failures. It's not his high school and not the way he was raised. It's his age and maturity level, and that's all. He needs to learn to be responsible and make good decisions, and to believe that he IS capable of doing the work in school (again, remedial classes send the wrong message). He's an adult now and needs to feel that his life is in his own hands and if you blame high school or yourself for his failings then so will he. Let him take responsibility.
I've seen this happen so many times, and usually the students don't manage to turn it around. But sometimes they do. I hope he manages to find a way.
And just FYI, it's not scientific, just anecdotal, but the therapy and medication route never seems to help with school completion (students just end up finding a very convenient excuse for why they can't possibly ever succeed - nothing like a label to fall back on), and the military thing is iffy - some students get out and go right back to school and succeed, others find they can't handle the military and end up coming out feeling disconnected and lost and never get back on their feet; and the get a job idea sounds good, but in reality means doing menial, low-paying work, feeling like a failure, and then being even less prepared for college later on when they have forgotten all their academic knowledge and are older than all the other traditional students. Again, it's all anecdotal, but if he can turn it around right now and finish school that will be the best thing in terms of time, finances, and getting on with his life.
As a College Instructor, I respect what you have to say. I also have learned much from the other posts! Everyone has been great! Keep any ideas coming...
I'm guessing he may have gotten in over his head in majoring in computer science. I'll bet he choose that because he likes spending a lot of time playing computer games?
If so, computer science may be a lot more detailed and intricate (boring) than the escapism of 'playing' on the computer. If that is truly what he wants to orient his life towards there are several allied options available in information science, human computer interaction, and so on. You may want to gather some addl information in the field and talk to him about that.
Bring him home, make him work and take 1-2 classes (general ed) at a time while he figures himself out and matures a little more.
My son was a classic underachiever in HS and early on in college and also can't write anything that can be read. It's so bad that one teacher wanted to diagnose him with something but right then a laptop program started in our school district and he never had to handwrite anything again. Not saying that's a good thing but he is working around his problem and isn't going to be "disabled". He had no choice but to work and go to community college, I didn't give him one and he didn't deserve or even want to do anything else. He got away with not picking a major (his AA was in Liberal Studies with Transfer requirements) but his gpa improved each semester. He will be starting at a university in the fall (still living at home and commuting) and went from an intended Business Major to CompSci so there is going to be a lot of math in his future. He says he'd rather major in something like History or Sociology but thinks he CompSci will pay off in the long run. Actually, he'd rather not go to college anymore at all but isn't interested in working retail forever. He's 23 and as long as he'd taking control of his life and making good decisions we get along just fine with this arrangement. I don't do anything for him now but talk about stuff, it's all on him.
Disability or no disability.
He abused a privilege and it should be taken away.
He is a grown-up now.
His responsibility was to his school. He had no other responsibilities.
He not only failed at that, but (more importantly) he failed to tell you that he had stopped trying altogether.
College is probably not for him, then...time to man up and get a job until he learns about responsibility and taking care of his own future.
If there are any praying moms or dads out there: Pray for us!!!:)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Why has the psychologist not diagnosed depression? Try a different psychologist. It sounds like he needs therapy.
He is currently waking up daily on time. I am checking. His lease is up early July and then he's out. I'm the guarantor on the apartment and will not renew the lease.
He will have to make a decision on his life based on his performance in the two courses he is taking this Summer.
If there are any praying moms or dads out there: Pray for us!!!
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"Advise him to drop out of school, and return when he's ready. If that point never comes, so be it."
Thank you!!!
