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First, it sounds like he was depressed, overwhelmed, or playing on the computer all night. Sleeping the day away is not normal, even for college age kids.
Second, YOU shouldn't be talking to anyone at the college unless you are concerned he has depression being so bad it needs intervention. Otherwise, he is an adult and all communication with the college needs to be by him. He has above average intelligence and a professional has already said he has no mental or physical illness.
Third, maybe he needs to take a break from school and get a job. Nothing emphasizes the importance of education as effectively as a menial job.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally_Sparrow
The on-campus housing thing was a privilege and he screwed it up. You were right to cancel it.
If he were my son I might consider letting him come back home but there would need to clear boundaries and a clear plan. In writing. X amount of time to either bring his grades up or get full time work and contribute (rent, bills). If that didn't happen, then he'd need to see a military recruiter. If he didn't want to do those things then he'd have to find another place to live, but you have to stick by it. Set reasonable, but firm goals, with deadlines.
This is good advice. However, the military does not automatically take everyone and right now they are in the middle of a drawdown.
The big thing here is it sounds like he lives / grew up in a depressing environment. You say his godmother is no help, that the kid's dad left him, and you say you have severe physical illnesses. Did your children have to help you with basic functions and support you while going to high school?
It sounds like everyone needs to get professional psychological help to wade through the emotions you are all facing. I'd wager you (the parent) are suffering from severe depression due to the estrangement and his biological father being away. You need to get over that. Of course I'm just making an assumption, but children typically react to and mirror their environments.
Your child sounds like he is depressed from lack of a role model while being brought up and being rudderless while being pandered to and told his lack of achievement was OK. College has a way of shattering sheltered children like this because academic rigor is what college is all about.
First thing is, he needs a role model. You and the rest of his family obviously aren't enough to motivate him. So the thing right now is finding what he is good at and what motivates him. Expose him to scientists, engineers, mathematicians, business leaders / owners, investors, make him read newspapers and magazines.
Second thing is, he's a grown adult now. He needs to have a deep, long thought about what makes him interested. Once he's found a potential avenue, he needs to go after it.
Better late than never. If he wants to be a car mechanic, send him to trade school. If he wants to be an engineer, expose him to all kinds of engineering fields to focus in and get him remedial help in math and science (they have those courses at local community colleges).
Our 21 year old son is bright, intelligent and well-mannered and a serious techie wanting to originally major in Computer Science....However, he did not tell us until the day before Spring 2013 grades came out that he had stopped going to class mid semester. His grades are all F's for Spring 2013.... He says he suffered with anxiety this semester and just slept away the days in his apartment....He has not completed the basic State Core Curriculum yet he has been in Community College for 2 1/2 academic years.
Thank you for reading this story of our life. What would you do if this were your son?
He is a smart guy that has dealt with a lot of difficulty in life. I think he is depressed. An antidepressant will treat both depression and anxiety, and this can be started by his primary care doc. If it were my son, I would start this asap b/c he is sinking and it takes about 6 weeks for an antidepressant to be effective. Additionally, it may take a while to find the most effective med for him. Likely his doc would start with an SSRI. However, he should also start some counseling, perhaps with a new psychologist or even MSW. There is something standing in his way of success. It could be purely biochemical, but his life story indicates that there could be some hidden issues. He needs to address his anxiety, the triggers, find coping mechanisms, etc.... Definitely counseling.
Since he is a serious techie and lacks motivation for core college work right now, I would encourage pure technical training in anything to do with computers. There is probably a track at his CC. Something short and that can put him to work quickly. It would probably benefit him to work for a while until he really has his goals figured out. He is still young, so can always return to plans for a BS or BA later. Right now he doesn't even need an associate's degree if he can just take one course that would allow him to work. I would relinquish the scholarship, for CC is affordable enough to pay for it out-of-pocket at some later date. Right now he is just floundering. The working world may help him find direction.
Last edited by west seattle gal; 06-22-2013 at 01:18 AM..
Tell him to drop out of college and go to work full time. If he's as bright as you say he is, he'll find his way back to college paying for it himself.
you have a lot of love. spend it wisely. he is not stupid but not a college genius even at his best. jr college is not that hard. he has emotional issues that need attention. counseling will do more than school classes.
a trade would be a good choice and soon. otherwise u will, in a few years, just have a 31 year old dead in the water instead of a 21 year old. i got nephew issues very similar i hear you.
Tell him to drop out of college and go to work full time. If he's as bright as you say he is, he'll find his way back to college paying for it himself.
Excellent advice. I agree that he should drop out and go to work full time. He can go into a low level tech job and work his way up, learn a lot along the way.
He probably feels like a failure. He is probably not happy with himself - and most frustratingly, doesn't know how to get out of the cycle.
A job will help him feel personal satisfaction (even if he hates it at the beginning). It also will allow him to form work relationships with people.
From your original post, it doesn't seem like he built much of a social life at school. Even though it is a bit silly, some kids go to class to see others or because of friendships they formed. Study groups force people to hang out beyond class, etc. Since this didn't work out for your son, perhaps it will work better for him in a work situation. He'll see that the motivation thing can happen, and what others have done to overcome it. He can build some camaraderie and not feel like a loser who can't please his family.
Lastly, perhaps a therapist can help guide him a little. You mentioned going to a respectable psychologist, but when it comes to emotional issues, people usually have to try out a few to find the one that is most helpful to their particular situation. My SIL had to go to about 5 different professionals until she found the one that diagnosed her and helped her. The others did not help and she felt like a failure. Keep looking.
Sounds like you're son can still get on the right path. You're a good mom. Sorry it's been so rough.
Our 21 year old son is bright, intelligent and well-mannered and a serious techie wanting to originally major in Computer Science.
From May 2010 to December 2012 he lived at home going to a local Community College. During this time his overall GPA was 2.8
His Godmother and many other family members and most importantly my son begged for him to stay on campus citing independence and doing better grade wise.
Once on Campus for the first time for Spring 2013 he had all the luxuries. Free rent, free food, walk to classes, freedom and significant time to do course work well. He ended his part time job and was only going to school full time.
However, he did not tell us until the day before Spring 2013 grades came out that he had stopped going to class mid semester. His grades are all F's for Spring 2013. Even the P.E. class for yoga is a F. He does have a handwriting disability so he simply could not take notes in History and Government. Still he did not even try in my opinion because he stopped going to class. He says he suffered with anxiety this semester and just slept away the days in his apartment. (Well why didn't he at least go to yoga?)
Background: My son has been raised by his mom (me) and grandmom. I have suffered the majority of his childhood with severe physical illnesses. His grandmom is quiet and offers little in the way of raising. His dad is in another city with a new family and has neglected his son since he was 12. The private high school my son went to robbed his future and our money by giving him grades (3.33GPA) even though he did not perform academically. (We found proof of this Senior year.) This lends to why he cares less about grades. Still he can do because the Psychologist says all the Diagnostic Tests show he has above average intelligence. His Math SAT is 640. The Psychologist says he suffers with NO mental or psychological illnesses and she is highly regarded. She simply says he has some anxiety.
Due to poor high school preparation, lack of discipline and plain laziness he is paying the price in College. He is now in a remedial study skills class and is on academic probation. He may lose all his Financial Aid because his current GPA is 1.89, below the required 2.0
He has not completed the basic State Core Curriculum yet he has been in Community College for 2 1/2 academic years.
Thank you for reading this story of our life. What would you do if this were your son?
As an instructor of college students, I'm sorry to say that your son is not out of the ordinary at all. He has joined a large group of students who have the unfortunate experience of simply being unable to handle independent life at that age. Just guessing (I'm sure there is a statistic somewhere, but I don't know it) I'd say between 10 and 20 percent of students completely bomb out their first year of school. Maybe even more. They simply stop attending class. Sometimes it is precipitated by some crisis - a breakup with a girlfriend, an illness in the family, etc. Sometimes there is no reason at all, except that they have never had that much freedom before and aren't ready to impose self-discipline, so they stay up all night playing computer games, sleep through classes, and other stupid stuff. So much unstructured time is not good for some people. It can also cause depression and anxiety.
I think the best solution is just to have him come home and live with you again. He isn't ready to be on his own. Perhaps, if possible, you could give him a semblance of independence in some way at home - maybe a room in another part of the house, his own car, no curfew, something. He needs the structure and more of a routine. If he is going to work part time, then a job on campus is best, even if it's just a few hours and doesn't pay well. It keeps him connected to the school, which is important.
I suggest NOT letting him drop out. Kids who drop out might never return. While living at home, encourage him to meet with professors as often as possible for extra help. Make sure he goes to class EVERY day. Attendance his key - there should be no excuse ever for missing even a single class. Also, he needs to get out of those remedial skills classes as soon as possible - studies have shown that they actually lead to more drop outs than anything else. I don't see why he needs them anyway - he was doing OK before when he lived at home. His skills haven't disappeared, just his motivation to attend class and do his work. Remedial classes actually reduce motivation. They DO increase time to graduation (obviously not a good thing for someone who doesn't like school).
Also, stop blaming everything else for his failures. It's not his high school and not the way he was raised. It's his age and maturity level, and that's all. He needs to learn to be responsible and make good decisions, and to believe that he IS capable of doing the work in school (again, remedial classes send the wrong message). He's an adult now and needs to feel that his life is in his own hands and if you blame high school or yourself for his failings then so will he. Let him take responsibility.
I've seen this happen so many times, and usually the students don't manage to turn it around. But sometimes they do. I hope he manages to find a way.
And just FYI, it's not scientific, just anecdotal, but the therapy and medication route never seems to help with school completion (students just end up finding a very convenient excuse for why they can't possibly ever succeed - nothing like a label to fall back on), and the military thing is iffy - some students get out and go right back to school and succeed, others find they can't handle the military and end up coming out feeling disconnected and lost and never get back on their feet; and the get a job idea sounds good, but in reality means doing menial, low-paying work, feeling like a failure, and then being even less prepared for college later on when they have forgotten all their academic knowledge and are older than all the other traditional students. Again, it's all anecdotal, but if he can turn it around right now and finish school that will be the best thing in terms of time, finances, and getting on with his life.
Financial Aid paid the tuition last semester. Mom is paying all the rent and food.
Disability office will do nothing. He refused to use the recorder I bought for him.
He insists on staying in the apartment. Started crying just to get me to extend the apartment another month. Today I cancelled the apartment and he is furious. I do not know where he will live and I love him. I want him to grow up and be on his own. At the same time I do not want him homeless.
He may come over and sleep on your porch. Do not let him in. That is often what happens when an adult child refuses to grow up. I realize you love your son and don't want him to suffer, but, I think he needs serious help. Sometimes problems surface when it's time to face the world and is 4 times as likely if it's a male.
I think the best solution is just to have him come home and live with you again. He isn't ready to be on his own. Perhaps, if possible, you could give him a semblance of independence in some way at home - maybe a room in another part of the house, his own car, no curfew, something. He needs the structure and more of a routine. If he is going to work part time, then a job on campus is best, even if it's just a few hours and doesn't pay well. It keeps him connected to the school, which is important.
I suggest NOT letting him drop out. Kids who drop out might never return. While living at home, encourage him to meet with professors as often as possible for extra help. Make sure he goes to class EVERY day. Attendance his key - there should be no excuse ever for missing even a single class. Also, he needs to get out of those remedial skills classes as soon as possible - studies have shown that they actually lead to more drop outs than anything else. I don't see why he needs them anyway - he was doing OK before when he lived at home. His skills haven't disappeared, just his motivation to attend class and do his work. Remedial classes actually reduce motivation. They DO increase time to graduation (obviously not a good thing for someone who doesn't like school).
Personally, I strongly disagree.
I agree this is a common case. Many kids lack the maturity to be able to perform college level work at a level anywhere near their capability. If he lives at home and mom keeps a watchful eye, then yes, he probably bucks up somewhat and finishes with like a 2.2 GPA in 'something' over 6 years.
What's the point?
Why do we feel the need to push kids towards college even though they clearly have no motivation to do it? Just because it's the thing to do at age 18? What a waste of time, money, and resources.
Advise him to drop out of school, and return when he's ready. If that point never comes, so be it.
If he is truly intelligent and motivated, he'll come back with a vengeance and finish a degree in something he chose with foresight and do well. It'll save a lot of wasted time and $.
The big thing here is it sounds like he lives / grew up in a depressing environment. You say his godmother is no help, that the kid's dad left him, and you say you have severe physical illnesses. Did your children have to help you with basic functions and support you while going to high school?
It sounds like everyone needs to get professional psychological help to wade through the emotions you are all facing. I'd wager you (the parent) are suffering from severe depression due to the estrangement and his biological father being away. You need to get over that. Of course I'm just making an assumption, but children typically react to and mirror their environments.
Your child sounds like he is depressed from lack of a role model while being brought up and being rudderless while being pandered to and told his lack of achievement was OK. College has a way of shattering sheltered children like this because academic rigor is what college is all about.
First thing is, he needs a role model. You and the rest of his family obviously aren't enough to motivate him. So the thing right now is finding what he is good at and what motivates him. Expose him to scientists, engineers, mathematicians, business leaders / owners, investors, make him read newspapers and magazines.
Second thing is, he's a grown adult now. He needs to have a deep, long thought about what makes him interested. Once he's found a potential avenue, he needs to go after it.
Better late than never. If he wants to be a car mechanic, send him to trade school. If he wants to be an engineer, expose him to all kinds of engineering fields to focus in and get him remedial help in math and science (they have those courses at local community colleges).
Good luck.
Thank you for your input. My mom and I do not have any depression.
The role model point was right on target.
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