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Our 21 year old son is bright, intelligent and well-mannered and a serious techie wanting to originally major in Computer Science.
From May 2010 to December 2012 he lived at home going to a local Community College. During this time his overall GPA was 2.8
His Godmother and many other family members and most importantly my son begged for him to stay on campus citing independence and doing better grade wise.
Once on Campus for the first time for Spring 2013 he had all the luxuries. Free rent, free food, walk to classes, freedom and significant time to do course work well. He ended his part time job and was only going to school full time.
However, he did not tell us until the day before Spring 2013 grades came out that he had stopped going to class mid semester. His grades are all F's for Spring 2013. Even the P.E. class for yoga is a F. He does have a handwriting disability so he simply could not take notes in History and Government. Still he did not even try in my opinion because he stopped going to class. He says he suffered with anxiety this semester and just slept away the days in his apartment. (Well why didn't he at least go to yoga?)
Background: My son has been raised by his mom (me) and grandmom. I have suffered the majority of his childhood with severe physical illnesses. His grandmom is quiet and offers little in the way of raising. His dad is in another city with a new family and has neglected his son since he was 12. The private high school my son went to robbed his future and our money by giving him grades (3.33GPA) even though he did not perform academically. (We found proof of this Senior year.) This lends to why he cares less about grades. Still he can do because the Psychologist says all the Diagnostic Tests show he has above average intelligence. His Math SAT is 640. The Psychologist says he suffers with NO mental or psychological illnesses and she is highly regarded. She simply says he has some anxiety.
Due to poor high school preparation, lack of discipline and plain laziness he is paying the price in College. He is now in a remedial study skills class and is on academic probation. He may lose all his Financial Aid because his current GPA is 1.89, below the required 2.0
He has not completed the basic State Core Curriculum yet he has been in Community College for 2 1/2 academic years.
Thank you for reading this story of our life. What would you do if this were your son?
Our 21 year old son is bright, intelligent and well-mannered and a serious techie wanting to originally major in Computer Science.
From May 2010 to December 2012 he lived at home going to a local Community College. During this time his overall GPA was 2.8
His Godmother and many other family members and most importantly my son begged for him to stay on campus citing independence and doing better grade wise.
Once on Campus for the first time for Spring 2013 he had all the luxuries. Free rent, free food, walk to classes, freedom and significant time to do course work well. He ended his part time job and was only going to school full time.
However, he did not tell us until the day before Spring 2013 grades came out that he had stopped going to class mid semester. His grades are all F's for Spring 2013. Even the P.E. class for yoga is a F. He does have a handwriting disability so he simply could not take notes in History and Government. Still he did not even try in my opinion because he stopped going to class. He says he suffered with anxiety this semester and just slept away the days in his apartment. (Well why didn't he at least go to yoga?)
Background: My son has been raised by his mom (me) and grandmom. I have suffered the majority of his childhood with severe physical illnesses. His grandmom is quiet and offers little in the way of raising. His dad is in another city with a new family and has neglected his son since he was 12. The private high school my son went to robbed his future and our money by giving him grades (3.33GPA) even though he did not perform academically. (We found proof of this Senior year.) This lends to why he cares less about grades. Still he can do because the Psychologist says all the Diagnostic Tests show he has above average intelligence. His Math SAT is 640. The Psychologist says he suffers with NO mental orpsychological illnesses and she is highly regarded. She simply says he has some anxiety.
Due to poor high school preparation, lack of discipline and plain laziness he is paying the price in College. He is now in a remedial study skills class and is on academic probation. He may lose all his Financial Aid because his current GPA is 1.89, below the required 2.0
He is not completed with the basic State Core Curriculum yet he has been in Community College for 2 1/2 academic years.
Thank you for reading this story of our life. What would you do if this were your son?
First, "sleeping the days away" unless he was out partying every night sounds a lot more like depression than just anxiety. Unless he is unbelievably lazy.
Second, A 2.8 at a CC is an embarrassing low grade point for someone who is truly "bright, intelligent". Even if he has a high IQ could there be some other type of learning issue?
If he was my child I would have stepped in much, much sooner to insist on better grades. Since he lived at home you could have been monitoring his studying more closely. Or making him take a semester or two off, to work, while he matured.
Third, If he has/had a legitimate "handwriting disability" there should/could have been accommodations made for him under the college disability services.
That was in the past. What to do now? He doesn't appear to be motivated or mature enough to continue in college. If he would be my son I would not allow him to waste his time and spend your money in college until he matures. Perhaps a few years of trying to survive on his own with whatever job he can find will help motivate him.
"Due to poor high school preparation", you can't change that now but you can help him with his "lack of discipline and plain laziness". Trust me, once he has to find the money to pay his own bills and buy his own food it will be strong motivation to build self-discipline and not be lazy.
However, IMHO, if you continue enabling & babying him you may find that he is happy to just live in his childhood bedroom, play video-games and leech off of you until you die. There are many threads on C-D about that happening to adult-children with a "lack of discipline and plain laziness".
Our 21 year old son is bright, intelligent and well-mannered and a serious techie wanting to originally major in Computer Science.
From May 2010 to December 2012 he lived at home going to a local Community College. During this time his overall GPA was 2.8
His Godmother and many other family members and most importantly my son begged for him to stay on campus citing independence and doing better grade wise.
Once on Campus for the first time for Spring 2013 he had all the luxuries. Free rent, free food, walk to classes, freedom and significant time to do course work well. He ended his part time job and was only going to school full time.
However, he did not tell us until the day before Spring 2013 grades came out that he had stopped going to class mid semester. His grades are all F's for Spring 2013. Even the P.E. class for yoga is a F. He does have a handwriting disability so he simply could not take notes in History and Government. Still he did not even try in my opinion because he stopped going to class. He says he suffered with anxiety this semester and just slept away the days in his apartment. (Well why didn't he at least go to yoga?)
Background: My son has been raised by his mom (me) and grandmom. I have suffered the majority of his childhood with severe physical illnesses. His grandmom is quiet and offers little in the way of raising. His dad is in another city with a new family and has neglected his son since he was 12. The private high school my son went to robbed his future and our money by giving him grades (3.33GPA) even though he did not perform academically. (We found proof of this Senior year.) This lends to why he cares less about grades. Still he can do because the Psychologist says all the Diagnostic Tests show he has above average intelligence. His Math SAT is 640. The Psychologist says he suffers with NO mental or psychological illnesses and she is highly regarded. She simply says he has some anxiety.
Due to poor high school preparation, lack of discipline and plain laziness he is paying the price in College. He is now in a remedial study skills class and is on academic probation. He may lose all his Financial Aid because his current GPA is 1.89, below the required 2.0
He has not completed the basic State Core Curriculum yet he has been in Community College for 2 1/2 academic years.
Thank you for reading this story of our life. What would you do if this were your son?
Questions:
Who is paying for school? Is he on full aid? Who is paying for the on-campus housing? This would determine, for me, what a parent should do or not do in this situation.
His handwriting disability is diagnosed, I assume? Has he been to the office of disability support or whatever it is called at his school? He can probably get a note-taker to go to class with him. Also, most professors/instructors will allow students to record lectures, so he can listen to the lecture later and maybe get notes down that way.
I am no professional but it does sound like perhaps a combination of anxiety and depression with the sleeping. I had a hard time my second semester (way back in the 90's) due to depression but I was pregnant (accidental) and my grades definitely suffered.
Anxiety can be debilitating but the question now is if he realizes he needs support, and is he willing to turn this around?
He can only make minimum wage. Kick him out and stop offering him a place to live even our home?
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
First, "sleeping the days away" unless he was out partying every night sounds a lot more like depression than just anxiety. Unless he is unbelievably lazy.
Second, A 2.8 at a CC is an embarrassing low grade point for someone who is truly "bright, intelligent". Even if he has a high IQ could there be some other type of learning issue?
If he was my child I would have stepped in much, much sooner to insist on better grades. Since he lived at home you could have been monitoring his studying more closely. Or making him take a semester or two off, to work, while he matured.
Third, If he has/had a legitimate "handwriting disability" there should/could have been accommodations made for him under the college disability services.
That was in the past. What to do now? He doesn't appear to be motivated or mature enough to continue in college. If he would be my son I would not allow him to waste his time and spend your money in college until he matures. Perhaps a few years of trying to survive on his own with whatever job he can find will help motivate him.
"Due to poor high school preparation", you can't change that now but you can help him with his "lack of discipline and plain laziness". Trust me, once he has to find the money to pay his own bills and buy his own food it will be strong motivation to build self-discipline and not be lazy.
However, IMHO, if you continue enabling & babying him you may find that he is happy to just live in his childhood bedroom, play video-games and leech off of you until you die. There are many threads on C-D about that happening to adult-children with a "lack of discipline and plain laziness".
Good luck to you.
I already feel like a failure as a parent.
I wish he could go to the Air Force. However, I don't know.
I know I must stop supporting him financially. I just don't know where he will live. We have no other relatives.
Who is paying for school? Is he on full aid? Who is paying for the on-campus housing? This would determine, for me, what a parent should do or not do in this situation.
His handwriting disability is diagnosed, I assume? Has he been to the office of disability support or whatever it is called at his school? He can probably get a note-taker to go to class with him. Also, most professors/instructors will allow students to record lectures, so he can listen to the lecture later and maybe get notes down that way.
I am no professional but it does sound like perhaps a combination of anxiety and depression with the sleeping. I had a hard time my second semester (way back in the 90's) due to depression but I was pregnant (accidental) and my grades definitely suffered.
Anxiety can be debilitating but the question now is if he realizes he needs support, and is he willing to turn this around?
Financial Aid paid the tuition last semester. Mom is paying all the rent and food.
Disability office will do nothing. He refused to use the recorder I bought for him.
He insists on staying in the apartment. Started crying just to get me to extend the apartment another month. Today I cancelled the apartment and he is furious. I do not know where he will live and I love him. I want him to grow up and be on his own. At the same time I do not want him homeless.
Financial Aid paid the tuition last semester. Mom is paying all the rent and food.
Disability office will do nothing. He refused to use the recorder I bought for him.
He insists on staying in the apartment. Started crying just to get me to extend the apartment another month. Today I cancelled the apartment and he is furious. I do not know where he will live and I love him. I want him to grow up and be on his own. At the same time I do not want him homeless.
I'm not one of those "kick 'em out" types necessarily, I think it depends -- but you definitely need to set some boundaries.
Have you talked to someone at the disability office or is this just what he is telling you? It seems unlikely that if he has documented disabilities that they would just refuse to help him. When I was at the community college, and at my current school, they are always asking for volunteer, and sometimes paid note-takers to assist students with various disabilities. At the beginning of every class I have ever taken, and also in the syllabus, there is always a notification of how if you have a documented disability that you should speak to the professor and/or the disability services office to obtain assistance.
The on-campus housing thing was a privilege and he screwed it up. You were right to cancel it.
If he were my son I might consider letting him come back home but there would need to clear boundaries and a clear plan. In writing. X amount of time to either bring his grades up or get full time work and contribute (rent, bills). If that didn't happen, then he'd need to see a military recruiter. If he didn't want to do those things then he'd have to find another place to live, but you have to stick by it. Set reasonable, but firm goals, with deadlines.
It's hard, I know, but doing otherwise doesn't help him in the long run. My oldest son lives at home but there are conditions and he abides by them and that's the way it has to be. He knows I don't "have" to let him live here and he respects that and behaves accordingly. Hopefully your son will see that you are serious and correct himself.
Financial Aid paid the tuition last semester. Mom is paying all the rent and food.
Disability office will do nothing. He refused to use the recorder I bought for him.
He insists on staying in the apartment. Started crying just to get me to extend the apartment another month. Today I cancelled the apartment and he is furious. I do not know where he will live and I love him. I want him to grow up and be on his own. At the same time I do not wanthim homeless.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally_Sparrow
I'm not one of those "kick 'em out" types necessarily, I think it depends -- but you definitely need to set some boundaries.
Have you talked to someone at the disability office or is this just what he is telling you? It seems unlikely that if he has documented disabilities that they would just refuse to help him. When I was at the community college, and at my current school, they are always asking for volunteer, and sometimes paid note-takers to assist students with various disabilities. At the beginning of every class I have ever taken, and also in the syllabus, there is always a notification of how if you have a documented disability that you should speak to the professor and/or the disability services office to obtain assistance.
The on-campus housing thing was a privilege and he screwed it up. You were right to cancel it.
If he were my son I might consider letting him come back home but there would need to clear boundaries and a clear plan. In writing. X amount of time to either bring his grades up or get full time work and contribute (rent, bills). If that didn't happen, then he'd need to see a military recruiter. If he didn't want to do those things then he'd have to find another place to live, but you have to stick by it. Set reasonable, but firm goals, with deadlines.
It's hard, I know, but doing otherwise doesn't help him in the long run. My oldest son lives at home but there are conditions and he abides by them and that's the way it has to be. He knows I don't "have" to let him live here and he respects that and behaves accordingly. Hopefully your son will see that you are serious and correct himself.
I'm not one of those "kick 'em out" types necessarily, I think it depends -- but you definitely need to set some boundaries.
Have you talked to someone at the disability office or is this just what he is telling you? It seems unlikely that if he has documented disabilities that they would just refuse to help him. When I was at the community college, and at my current school, they are always asking for volunteer, and sometimes paid note-takers to assist students with various disabilities. At the beginning of every class I have ever taken, and also in the syllabus, there is always a notification of how if you have a documented disability that you should speak to the professor and/or the disability services office to obtain assistance.
The on-campus housing thing was a privilege and he screwed it up. You were right to cancel it.
If he were my son I might consider letting him come back home but there would need to clear boundaries and a clear plan. In writing. X amount of time to either bring his grades up or get full time work and contribute (rent, bills). If that didn't happen, then he'd need to see a military recruiter. If he didn't want to do those things then he'd have to find another place to live, but you have to stick by it. Set reasonable, but firm goals, with deadlines.
It's hard, I know, but doing otherwise doesn't help him in the long run. My oldest son lives at home but there are conditions and he abides by them and that's the way it has to be. He knows I don't "have" to let him live here and he respects that and behaves accordingly. Hopefully your son will see that you are serious and correct himself.
Thank you. I will set firm deadlines in writing. This information is very helpful.
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He can only make minimum wage. Kick him out and stop offering him a place to live even our home?
Thank you.
Thank you.
