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To make a very long story short. A friend's daughter was accepted into a major University that, in retrospect, was probably a stretch for her academic skills. Combine that with her depression, a learning disability and some serious health issues and it resulted in a big problem. The daughter flunked two classes that she needs to retake to be able to graduate. Both classes are required for her major. Picture very hard core classes such as American Foreign Policy Law taught by a law professor for a humanities undergrad.
Having flunked both classes, once before, the daughter is pretty discouraged and worried but it would be terrible to throw away the 114 college credits that are already earned and just not graduate.
What can the parents do to help the daughter be successful? I was thinking that they may need to be more "hands on" ---right now they are the opposite of helicopter parents. But how?
I was thinking that some type of contract between parent and child may be helpful. I was told that part of the problem was that the daughter couldn't keep up with massive amounts of very technical reading and fell behind in her work for these classes. What do you think?
She is only taking these two classes this semester and working part time so there should be plenty of study and reading time.
I'm not really sure what the parents can do since the girl is an adult. Does she live at home with them? I don't really think signing a contract is the answer just because this girl is an adult and should know what she needs to do in classes in order to be successful and if she doesn't really live with them, I don't think such an agreement would really matter.... would a change of major be better for her, if this isn't the right thing for her abilities?
What exactly would a contract do for her, or her parents for that matter? If these are the only two classes she is taking, then it is safe to say it won't get any easier for her. At her age, it is all on her, as it will be for the rest of her life.
Perhaps, a contract really isn't what I meant. But, something to help motivate the daughter and keep her on track, study guidelines or study tips or something.
The parents feel like they have let their daughter down by being so "hands off". Many of their friends were text book helicopter parents to their college age children (typing papers, helping write papers-heck, they said one parent actually wrote some of their child's college papers, selecting classes, closely monitoring exams & grades, even talking to their professors, etc.) and these parents appear to have over reacted and went overboard the other way. They realize now that their daughter needed more from them. From the time that she started looking at colleges everything was her responsibility (except for some finances and moral support).
The daughter said that she was afraid to tell them when she started to have problems because she felt that it was her responsibility to handle everything all by herself. That was tough for a young adult with depression as well as some other problems. Since her college was hundreds of miles away and she worked weekends her parents rarely saw her so didn't realize that she was struggling.
So, experienced parents of college age adults or recent college graduated do you have any suggestions or ideas for me to pass on the parents?
PS. She can't change her major without taking many additional classes. She did fine in her other classes it is just this class on Law taught by a law professor and another tough class that are so difficult. Apparently. a lot of students have had trouble with those two classes but they are requirements for her major so nothing else can be substituted.
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-15-2013 at 08:01 PM..
I think the only thing they can really do is call and check in with her more and suggest that she see the oncampus therapist in order to help her out with her emotional issues. That's the only piece of this that they can really help her with, as they cannot force her to study or force the class to be any easier.
If she cannot make it through the material of classes in her major without failing. I never failed a college class. Never got below a B- for something required for my actual major. Not trying to be a jerk here, but even if she had to add classes, it's better than dropping out especially if she cannot pass classes for her major. It's not like someone who isn't strong math person and is an english major who has to take a math class for a gen ed requirement and gets a bad grade. It's failing at something that you feel should be your specialty.... to me, that's a problem. I guess I kind of have a no-nonsense opinion on these things, but I can't imagine it being okay to fail two classes required for your major. I'd just wonder, "is this REALLY for me?" and maybe that is also something that the therapist can help her to sort out as well.
Tell the girl to get to the study centers on campus. Those helicopter parents are NOT helping their children...really, writing papers for them???? The only that will accomplish in the end is these kids getting fired from a job because information they were supposed to know, they don't because Mommy did their work.
Every college had tutoring available for free, have her use those services to get caught back up or maybe consider transferring to another school. This scenario is becoming more and more common with all of the test tutoring these kids are getting and the inflated GPA's schools are handing out sadly.
She should have a conversation with the dean and her professors, she should go to tutoring and she should contact the disabilities resource center about her disability so they can help her form a game plan. No one at the university wants to see a kid two classes shy of her requirement fail to graduate.
A little clarification, she actually didn't do F quality work in these classes. Apparently, she had low Cs (obviously not great but still passing) but fell so far behind that she didn't finish all of the required papers which led to incompletes which turned into Fs after 6 weeks or something like that. Her parents were not aware of the incompletes until it was too late. The University will remove the Fs from her grade point average after she retakes the classes.
I spoke with the parents late last night and they are really worried. Everything seemed to be going fine and a few days ago their daughter stopped answering their emails or returning their calls. Apparently the daughter had been telling them "I will send you information about the classes, what my advisor told me, when my first paper is due, even when the next tuition payment installment is due, etc." but kept having excuses ("I wasn't feeling well, I'll email it tomorrow.") But, being trusting NON-helicopter parents everything seemed reasonable to them.
However, they just realized that the daughter had been putting them off ever since school started two and a half weeks ago. Since the daughter "hadn't had the time" (as she put it last week) to sign them up for online parental access to her University account they suddenly realized that they don't even know for sure that she actually signed up for the classes. Obviously, the parents were TOO trusting of their daughter. But are really stuck for what they can do. They told me that they were going to make some calls today but since their daughter is an adult they aren't sure how much the University can tell them.
In retrospect, they shouldn't have been worried about a study contract they should have been insisting that their daughter sign them up on her University account. The parents are kicking themselves because they sent the tuition money directly to their daughter (she had handled all of her own student loan & grant money herself over the years so it never occurred to them to send this one payment directly to the University). They are now seeing multiple red flags that they hadn't noticed before and just consumed with worry and concern.
Oh jeez. I was going to say that she is an adult and never had to sign them up to have access to her grades. My parents never had access to mine since they weren't paying for my education; I was. Are they paying for her school or is this student loan/grant money hers for school? If so, I don't think they would reward her financial aid if she were not enrolled in the classes. If she dropped the classes, she would have to give the aid back and pay the university fees for that. It also could be that she is taking two different classes than these and is afraid to tell them. Maybe she herself is considering a major change and is afraid to tell them about it since the two classes are for the new major.... and she thinks they will be mad that she might graduate a year or so later than planned? It's tough to say.
They can't get onto her account without her permission since she is an adult.... and the university probably can't give her much more than general info since they are not on the account.
I don't necessarily think they were too trusting of their daughter. Her daughter is now an adult, sadly. They can guide her, they can mold her.... but they can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. This didn't happen because they were too trusting. My parents had zero access to my accounts, were only let into my college world when I allowed it, and were given the information I offered them. I graduated with honors and dealt with major depression my whole college career (I was a victim of an oncampus attack and rape). Seems to me like they should change their approach from everything being college-based to figuring out WHY she is acting this way if she hadn't before. Did something happen to her? Is she having a crisis of some sort? Is college her goal or her parent's goal? I will tell you.... if college wasn't MY goal, I would have dropped out after my personal issues, because nothing seemed worth the trouble. It was reminding myself that this was always my goal that made me get through it.
I guess I would tell them to talk to her without even mentioning college or classes.... and see if something has happened to her that caused a 180; open lines of communication that are not judgmental or demanding. If something has happened that caused her depression to get worse, she probably feels worse when she is nagged about school and then she probably doesn't feel like she can tell them if something is going on? Again, this is just a thought.
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