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I’m looking for a friendly and kind response to say when people make odd or disparaging remarks about the school that I went to.
For example, I have one sibling, “Pat”. Pat and I are probably equal in intelligence (although Pat might be a bit smarter; I don’t know). We’re both middle-aged adults. Pat has done extremely well; Pat made tens of millions of dollars in business and retired around age 40. I’m still working.
I went to an Ivy League school- one that basically everyone has heard of, and even when I worked abroad, people definitely knew the name. Pat went to a large state university, in a very hard program, even though the school is not well-known.
Whenever Pat sees a mention of another Ivy League school, Pat makes a big deal out of the other ones, saying, for example, that the other school is so amazing, and Pat goes on and about how great the other school is. Pat consistently does this.
I think that Pat is looking to get a rise out of me, but why would I care? I usually say something like, “Yes, that’s a great school.”
I’m not sure what’s driving this. My parents favored Pat and thought that Pat was so amazing and always made it clear that they thought that I was dumb, so it can’t be that. When people ask me where Pat and I went to school, people sometimes comment that Pat must not have done as well, but that’s false; maybe people say similar things to Pat.
Next time Pat starts going on and on about how great other Ivy League schools are, I’m planning to say, “You would easily have gotten admitted into mine, but back then, it didn’t have the programs that you were looking for, so it would have made no sense to go there. But I hope that your children would consider it when they start their college search.”
Would that be a good response: aiming to be affirming and supportive and aiming to show that Pat’s comments don’t bother me?
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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No verbal response will change Pat's "superiority syndrome", a learned and supported behavior from birth. Pat will always come back with a superior response. Let them have their day. "Do not respond to a fool according to their folly, lest you be like them" Proverbs.... I spent a 40 yr career working with and for fools. Get used to it, some USA regions and career fields are full of self absorbed fools.
Good response when people put down where you went to school?
Quote:
Originally Posted by GSPNative
I’m looking for a friendly and kind response to say when people make odd or disparaging remarks about the school that I went to.
I don’t think there’s anything you can say to change others’ odd behavior/their need to express disparaging remarks; it speaks to their own issues, not yours. That said, are YOU happy with your career choices/life relative to such? Did you attend (any) college relative to your personal satisfaction/career goals/education, or was it for others’ approval? In other words, there will always be people who disagree with (or find negativity in) what you do; if you aren’t happy/accept yourself for who you are, you’ll never (emotionally) stand up to such i.e. living well (and the promotion of education, as a whole) is the best ‘response’.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GSPNative
Would that be a good response: aiming to be affirming and supportive and aiming to show that Pat’s comments don’t bother me?
Why be supportive of (or give consideration to) anyone who is not supportive of you? Learn to let go of (or laugh at) the nonsense/pettiness, you’ll be much happier regardless of where you did/didn’t go to college.
OP, Pat must feel insecure on some level to react so predictably whenever any Ivy League school is mentioned, not just yours. It's not unusual for people who were unfairly favored as children to be aware that the favoritism was not deserved, or to have felt like imposters the whole time.
In Pat's case, it's surprising he's still manifesting signs of insecurity, after having been so successful in life. Perhaps he's resentful of the fact that his school, which you say had a very strong program in his field, has never gotten public recognition for that program in the same way the reputation of the Ivy League schools is known not only nationally, but globally.
In any case, rather than get annoyed at these predictable displays, feel sorry for him for his lack of maturity. Clearly his mind is burdened by the lack of respect his school gets, which is a heavy and unnecessary burden to carry around. His issues are self-inflicted.
Actually I think your planned response would be a kindness. You could add, that the program he completed was a very challenging one, and obviously prepared him well for success in his field. It probably does get a lot of respect in that field. I wouldn't mention anything about where his kids could or should go to school.
Did any of the Ivy League schools have his program? If not, you could throw that in as well. And you know, even if some of them did, it doesn't mean they were top-notch programs in that field. Schools have their strong departments and their mediocre departments. I could have gone to UC Berkeley, but didn't, because another school had a higher-rated program in one of my fields of interest. For that matter, only one of the Ivy League schools measures up in that field, to the school I attended. Ivy League schools aren't the be-all, end-all across the board academically. Employers in specific fields don't automatically go to the Ivy League schools in their recruiting tours. They go to the schools they know produce graduates who have the strongest skills. That leaves Harvard, Yale and Stanford out in some fields.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 09-12-2022 at 09:44 AM..
Pat will specifically say that other Ivy League schools are better than mine.
Even though USNews says otherwise.
Are you sure this isn't something you embody? Not the other way around?
So where did you go? Cornell? Dartmouth? Brown?
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