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Not sure if this should be posted in "relationships" or here in 'Diet And Weight Loss', since the two are directly intertwined. Nevertheless, I'll give it a shot here as a quick glance at the post subject lines might draw more advice here.
Point blank:
What DO (or can) I do to get the lady motivated?
There's no nice way to say this. She's blown up like a balloon. In the last year to eighteen months, she's probably packed on anywhere from 20 to 40 pounds (she refuses to tell me her actual weight. But when I look at her now versus pictures of her even two or three years ago, she's gained. A lot).
She knows it, she sees it. She doesn't like me taking pictures of her. She gets depressed and at times angry and resentful about it. Yet she refuses to do anything about it. Her "solution" is to just keep buying bigger and bigger clothes. But then she gets upset about that too. And to try and get her to don a bathing suit and lay poolside? Not happening.
I've tried doing numerous things to try and help including diet suggestions (which I try and stick to myself). I got her a gym club membership. Almost a year ago. She went maybe five times and now is down to perhaps once a month. If that. I bought her a Wii fit console and program. I had to dust it off and change out the batteries. I suggested that she join me for a brisk walk a few evenings a week, especially now that it's summertime. She gave up on that after exactly one try; she got cranky and fussy saying that 'she couldn't keep up with my longer legs'. I've been trying to buy bikes to go riding, but she's been dodging that purchase for six months with one reason or another: "We are short this month and our electric bill is up", "what about that landscaping?" "What about the barbecue grill"?
Ad nauseum, ad infinitum.
Bottom line: she's become a couch potato. She never goes to the gym or uses her Wii. But she sure as hell never misses an episode of "Bones", "Dancing With The Stars", and "Biggest Loser". I pointed out the irony of the last choice and she just had daggers for me.
So I'm out of ideas. What do I do? Her mother is a wreck physically, no doubt as a result of decades of self neglect. With the cacaphony of issues plaguing her, you'd think that my woman would be scared stupid and doing everything in her power to avoid becoming her mother. Yet she's plowing full steam ahead to do just that.
Now it's affecting me and getting my morale down. Not just her appearance, which is a relatively superficial item in the grand scheme of things. But her attitude really stinks and now our sex life is at a standstill because I look at her (as her husband no less) and right now, I just can't. That's how bad it's gotten. We are both 36 years of age.
What could be some of the underlying reasons for this?
Depression comes to my mind as the first likely culprit, being that we bought a new house in a new town a year ago and we moved into an area where she started with no friends and separated from hers as well as the only geographic area she's ever known. Add to that a new job, and I can see how that much new is bound to be some bricks on her back. I don't begrudge her for that, but we agreed to it before signing the docs and she knew where she was going (having brought her up several times to get acquainted with the area) and what she was doing. So at some point, that excuse will no longer be valid. Especially since she's rebuffed every single one of my suggestions to go out for drives, social gatherings, church, bars, everything.
Sounds like definite depression. I'd get that taken care of first. Encourage her to go to a doctor and get on something. Exercise and fresh air are also natural anti-depressants. I know, it's got to be hard for her to get out and exercise in front of people, at first. But offer to exercise outside with her. Or maybe you guys can invest in a treadmill. Is there a workout room at her work? I recommend (highly) Richard Simmons' "Sweatin' To The Oldies" boxset. It really does make you sweat. The hardest part is getting started. I don't remember where I heard the quote, but I remember someone saying, "The motivation comes only after you start." I think that's so true, personally.
I think you pretty much answered your own question. You know the adjustment period has been hard for her. It's hard moving to a new place. Years ago when I was a kid, it took my mother and I a very long time to adjust to our new state after we moved.
And she doesn't need to feel you disapprove of her, either. That's just packing on the pressure. You're outwardly frustrated at her lack of wanting to do anything, but you brought it all up yourself. You know she's depressed and trying to adjust to her new life.
This is a great link. Maybe I got it from this forum, I don't know. I'm always favoriting helpful links. Perfect calculator to determine whether you are overweight or not. | AHealthyMe.com (http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/calneed - broken link)
Have her calculate her weight, height, activity level (which would obviously be "light") and check the "lose" box. That'll be how many calories she'll need per day to lose a pound a week (minimum.... it'll be more if she adds exercise).
Even if she doesn't exercise, she can begin measuring out her portions according to what the packages and boxes recommend, buy a good calorie book, and begin keeping them within the limit the website suggests. I guarantee, if there's no medical problem or medication she's on that would prevent weight loss..... that WILL work. And it doesn't need to be all "rabbit food." She can fit in her favorite foods in moderation. I'm always eating ice cream.... directly out of the measuring cup! (And I've switched to light ice cream, because I think it tastes just as good and saves a few calories/fat grams).
I'm willing to bet that if she did that and saw the results, that would motivate her to start moving.
And please treat her as you'd want to be treated. If you suddenly began going through some physical/emotional changes (it happens to men too), you wouldn't want to feel her glaring disapproval, would you? Unconditional love is what motivates.
Hope that link helps. I guarantee eating within her calorie limit will work.
The more you try to motivate her the more she is going to resent you. It will have to come from her. Period. End of story. BTW, she is probably hiding food from you and eating it for comfort.
I'd stop trying to motivate her to "exercise" and just focus on doing something active together (just you and her) that is also fun for her - take a walk and window shop, go bowling/hiking/dancing (I've heard that country line dancing is fun).
The more you try to motivate her the more she is going to resent you. It will have to come from her. Period. End of story. BTW, she is probably hiding food from you and eating it for comfort.
Exactly. I did the same thing with my husband. I had to be the one to say enough is enough and to do something about it.
My reality check was when I got on the scales at the Drs office at just over 175. When I officially started my lifestyle change I was 175.
Do you cook dinners and do the shopping?
Not sure if this should be posted in "relationships" or here in 'Diet And Weight Loss', since the two are directly intertwined. Nevertheless, I'll give it a shot here as a quick glance at the post subject lines might draw more advice here.
Point blank:
What DO (or can) I do to get the lady motivated?
There's no nice way to say this. She's blown up like a balloon. In the last year to eighteen months, she's probably packed on anywhere from 20 to 40 pounds (she refuses to tell me her actual weight. But when I look at her now versus pictures of her even two or three years ago, she's gained. A lot).
She knows it, she sees it. She doesn't like me taking pictures of her. She gets depressed and at times angry and resentful about it. Yet she refuses to do anything about it. Her "solution" is to just keep buying bigger and bigger clothes. But then she gets upset about that too. And to try and get her to don a bathing suit and lay poolside? Not happening.
I've tried doing numerous things to try and help including diet suggestions (which I try and stick to myself). I got her a gym club membership. Almost a year ago. She went maybe five times and now is down to perhaps once a month. If that. I bought her a Wii fit console and program. I had to dust it off and change out the batteries. I suggested that she join me for a brisk walk a few evenings a week, especially now that it's summertime. She gave up on that after exactly one try; she got cranky and fussy saying that 'she couldn't keep up with my longer legs'. I've been trying to buy bikes to go riding, but she's been dodging that purchase for six months with one reason or another: "We are short this month and our electric bill is up", "what about that landscaping?" "What about the barbecue grill"?
Ad nauseum, ad infinitum.
Bottom line: she's become a couch potato. She never goes to the gym or uses her Wii. But she sure as hell never misses an episode of "Bones", "Dancing With The Stars", and "Biggest Loser". I pointed out the irony of the last choice and she just had daggers for me.
So I'm out of ideas. What do I do? Her mother is a wreck physically, no doubt as a result of decades of self neglect. With the cacaphony of issues plaguing her, you'd think that my woman would be scared stupid and doing everything in her power to avoid becoming her mother. Yet she's plowing full steam ahead to do just that.
Now it's affecting me and getting my morale down. Not just her appearance, which is a relatively superficial item in the grand scheme of things. But her attitude really stinks and now our sex life is at a standstill because I look at her (as her husband no less) and right now, I just can't. That's how bad it's gotten. We are both 36 years of age.
What could be some of the underlying reasons for this?
Depression comes to my mind as the first likely culprit, being that we bought a new house in a new town a year ago and we moved into an area where she started with no friends and separated from hers as well as the only geographic area she's ever known. Add to that a new job, and I can see how that much new is bound to be some bricks on her back. I don't begrudge her for that, but we agreed to it before signing the docs and she knew where she was going (having brought her up several times to get acquainted with the area) and what she was doing. So at some point, that excuse will no longer be valid. Especially since she's rebuffed every single one of my suggestions to go out for drives, social gatherings, church, bars, everything.
What do I do?
I say keep trying all that you've been trying at least for a while longer. If she still wont budge - GET DIVORCED!!! You'll be happier with someone who wants to ENJOY LIFE WITH YOU and do the things that you love to do.
First off, remove phrases from your vocabulary such as couch potato, blown up like a balloon, etc. She'll just resent you and spiral deeper into depression. Tough love, sarcasm, brutal honesty, etc. will not work. Any pressure from you, any mention of deadlines etc. is just going to backfire and worsen her depression.
I agree that she's probably depressed, and it was probably triggered by your recent move. Whether or not she was aware that she was moving to a new area where she had no friends is irrelevant; you really don't know how a move will affect you until you've lived with it for awhile.
Do you think she might be angry at you because of the move? She may be blaming you for the fact that she's far away from her friends and family, and is retreating into herself because of it.
Does she like her job? If she doesn't, or if the job is stressful or if she hates her co-workers, any of that may be contributing to her depression.
Any solution isn't going to provide results magically. Try baby steps. You mentioned landscaping. Does she like to garden? That's one way for her to be away from the TV, getting a little exercise, and realizing results from her hard work. It's a win-win-win.
What else does she like to do? Besides watch TV, of course. What did you guys do for fun before you moved? Are there similar experiences you can re-create in your new town?
Do you want her to go for a walk with you? Match her pace until she's comfortable going out and walking with you, then increase your pace so gradually that she won't realize she's walking faster.
She definitely needs to talk to someone. I'll let people more experienced with depression etc. help you with how best to get her to realize that.
I say keep trying all that you've been trying at least for a while longer. If she still wont budge - GET DIVORCED!!! You'll be happier with someone who wants to ENJOY LIFE WITH YOU and do the things that you love to do.
Wow, you really ARE an insufferable <fill in the blanks so that I don’t get banned>! You know what, I've never said something like this to anybody, but I hope you get on some sort of medication and balloon up!!! I also hope your wife is as shallow as you are and follows your own advice! Some values your child will learn!
I suggested that she join me for a brisk walk a few evenings a week, especially now that it's summertime. She gave up on that after exactly one try; she got cranky and fussy saying that 'she couldn't keep up with my longer legs'.
It sounds like you're trying to be very supportive in the best way you know how, and good for you for that. But you know how women are sometimes -- we don't like for men to tell us how to solve our problems, even when we KNOW that it's coming from a good place, and even when we KNOW the guy is right. I latched onto just this one thing, quoted above. So instead of taking your wife out for a "brisk walk" in the evenings, why don't you suggest you go for an after-dinner stroll. Hold hands. Talk. Catch up with each other. Don't make it an aerobic activity, but rather just some husband/wife time. Maybe if it feels less like "exercise" in the beginning, and more like "quality time" she'll be more willing to do it.
Any increase in movement -- whether she's breaking a sweat or not -- is better than nothing. And in my own life I've found that the more active I am, the more active I want to be. Activity becomes infectious after a while. So maybe for now, aim not for for losing weight and getting fit, but rather for becoming more active and increasing her energy.
I do sympathize with you. (And her!) It's tough.
She probably feels very self-conscious and maybe even embarrassed about her weight. Deep down, she probably knows that she's let herself down...and that it's affecting you. She probably thinks she's letting you down as well. That generates all sorts of feelings of shame, etc. But if you make her weight/lifestyle/food a topic of conversation or a focus of yours, she will resent you. My mom has this saying that I think is so true: "We only get defensive when we know the other person is right." Your wife probably knows you're right about the weight, and it's probably making her defensive. But that's not going to lessen as long as she feels that she's being "targeted" by you.
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Perfect calculator to determine whether you are overweight or not. | AHealthyMe.com (http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/calneed - broken link)
You know what, I've never said something like this to anybody, but I hope you get on some sort of medication and balloon up!!! I also hope your wife is as shallow as you are and follows your own advice! Some values your child will learn!
