My mistakes lead to a painful death to my beloved dog, please read this and don't repeat my mistake.

[CarolinaMoon1]

Originally Posted by jyz002

I just feel like I am solely responsible for Grindle's health and well being, and even if it's too late when we sent him to the vet, the fact that he had such dire health issues at 13 is due to my failures from years in the past, both big and small. My wife hasn't been supportive of me with caring for the dog since our baby was born and it's very hard to be Grindle's sole source of support. I wish I had done more for him, and I know I could have, but I just got complacent after a while and took his health for granted.

For one I could have tried to keep bringing him to different vets until I found a teeth cleaning cost that my wife could accept (we went to two different vets both gave us estimate of $1000+), the fact that he hasn't had a teeth cleaning in 2 years might have cost him his health. My wife always rejects my ideas where we take him to the park or the beach on the weekend and we end up going somewhere where we have to leave him home. Even in his last day, I saw his condition deteriorate during the day but didn't think to call the vet right away because we were out of town and thought he could tough it out til Monday.

I feel like even though I knew he was old, I just didn't want to fight for him hard enough and just keep letting him down over and over again, until he got tired of being let down and his body can't handle the constant disappointment and neglect.

OP, I feel like putting my arms around you and giving you a big hug. Consider yourself virtually hugged.

With every animal I've had, I've learned so much from what I wished I had done differently. I allowed one of my dogs to get obese and learned the hard way that her obesity led to her cranial cruciate ligament tears. I've let dental cleanings go much longer than I should have and put my animals' health at risk. I kept my old kidney-failure kitty going with sub-q fluids and hand-feeding well past where I think she had any quality of life and was probably suffering. With each animal, I learned the hard way. I would never do any of these things now.

I know that you too have regrets and in hindsight, there are things you would have done differently. Grindle would understand and would never want you to be feeling this badly. And remember all the things you did right and all the love you gave him over the years.

I think it would be good to focus on forgiving yourself, learning from the experience, and when the time is right, providing a loving home to a new dog who desperately needs one.

By the way, there are some good therapists out there who really get it when it comes to pet loss and who might be able to be very helpful to you in moving through your feelings about Grindle.

Wishing you all the best!

[ClassicCarFamily]

You are wonderful pet parents and did everything you could possibly do. Grindle was lucky to have such wonderful owners. I cried when I read your post and I am so sorry for your loss.
It was so kind of you to adopt an older pet. I have a cat but know from the past the cost of pet ownership is very high when an illness arises and I know that you did the best that you could and were at the mercy of the Vets and their schedules and procedures. I hope you find peace knowing that you did all the right things especially your kindness and love to your pet and for writing the post to help others.
God Bless you and your family.

Originally Posted by jyz002

For those of you who don't want to read the wall of text, our dog passed away just two days ago and the guilt over what I could have done is killing me, my experience has taught me the following and hopefully you won't repeat the same mistakes I've made:

1. Trust and discuss with your veterinarian about the items he/she thinks your pet needs, sometimes they will give you a high total estimate for all the tests and procedures but there are reasons behind each, and some might be more important than others. Discuss with your veterinarian on what he thinks are important or optional, don't make a judgement yourself based on price or what you think your pet needs. Talk to your veterinarian whenever you feel like there is a need to.

2. When your pet shows signs of distress, don't delay or hesitate to call your vet and/or send him to the emergency room. Even if he can't be saved, you'll know that you did everything you can for your friend when he needed you. Trust your intuition, don't gamble with your pet's life or you can feel guilty and hate yourself for a long time to come.

3. Sometimes certain symptoms of your pet may mislead you and the vet on what the issue is. When you take your pet to the vet, make sure they do a full examination, not just pinpoint a symptom. Or it could lead to a delay in crucial diagnosis and treatment.

4. Fully disclose any issues you can think of with a new vet you're seeing, especially when diagnosing certain symptoms that may be caused by a variety of ailments. Your vet is a trained medical professional but not a clairvoyant, they can only work with the information they have, and sometimes that require you to tell them, or expensive diagnostics testing that they may not want to push on you.

5. If you feel like you know what's best for your pet, communicate with your family and let them know what you think, the decision is not yours alone, your family will understand. This is not limited to a pet situation but in general.

Here's the long story:

We rescued Grindle, a friendly, silly, and shaggy Bichon Frise, roughly 4 years ago, my wife and I previously visited him in the shelter and I rescued him as a present for my wife's birthday. He was already 9 years old but still full of life and can still sprint like a puppy. He had house training issues and separation anxiety, but we didn't love him any less and never thought about taking him back to the shelter, which we were told some of his previous adopters did. We moved around a few times but all the vets who saw him said he looked very healthy for his age. Vets brought up that he had some heart murmur but it's relatively low grade so they didn't recommend a cardiologist.

We had no experience with raising dogs before so in the first year or so, when he showed the slightest distress, we took him to the vet immediately. However, in almost all cases, the issue is very minor or no issues were detected and he just recovered himself soon after. We gradually become jaded by the bills for vet visits and various diagnostic tests. If we had kept this habit of sending him to emergency room when we felt like it was needed, Grindle would not have died or at least not have suffered for as long as he did.

When Grindle was our only baby, we took him everywhere we went and we almost never left his side. A lot of things happened in our lives the next 3.5 years, we moved states, had a baby, changed jobs. Throughout all these changes, Grindle time has gradually become something of a luxury. It was difficult to raise a child while both parents have full time jobs and grandparents could not be there, but we still tried our best to make time for Grindle and play with him or take him out to the park, I worked from home two days a week to just be with him.

Roughly 3 months ago, I noticed that Grindle started peeing a lot more than usual. He would drink tons of water and when we let him out to pee in the yard, he'd stand there and pee for a solid 10-15 seconds straight. This didn't seem normal so we called a vet.

This was the first time I took him to the vet in his last 3 months. I told the vet that he is peeing a lot more than usual. The vet recommended a urine test and xray to see if they can spot something with his bladder. Neither of the tests came back positive for any issues. Vet said he was probably just old and had bladder control issues and prescribed us some bladder muscle medicine to take home, she also recommended some joint supplements as he is getting older. The total bill came to be about $600. I asked about teeth cleaning and they gave me an estimate of $1000+ and I didn't take it, I remember getting his teeth cleaned at another vet for roughly half of that, although that was in a different state.

Turned out Grindle's heart was not pumping well enough and the excess peeing might have been a way to compensate to avoid fluid accumulation in his various body cavities, but we didn't think to check the heart for a peeing issue.

About one month ago, Grindle stopped eating his dry kibble and showed some limping while he walked, he didn't want to move as much. He still ate wet dog food and other things we fed him like boiled eggs, but started losing some weight.

We had a 9 day vacation planned ahead so we wanted to make sure he's ok before we send him to boarding. This was the second time I took him to the vet, I changed to a different hospital this time because I thought the last one had marked up their prices based on the teeth cleaning estimates, and couldn't find any issues despite the tests.

I described how he's not walking right and stopped wanting to go up/down stairs, his weight loss and loss of appetite. The vet did blood and urine tests, again neither of these tests came up positive. In the end the vet said he might not want to move because his fingernails were too long and it bothers him. It's true that we didn't trim his nails for a while because he's always really hated doing that, his nails started crossing and his paws were more sensitive than usual. I also thought it's because we had recently changed his kibble to a senior blend so maybe it's not as tasty. The vet told us to gradually transition the dry kibble so he can get used to it.

We went home after a nail trim, no medications or further diagnostics were prescribed. The total for the tests and exam came to be around $450. When I went home, my wife complained that I spent so much, especially since there were no conclusive results.

We sent him to boarding with plenty of both dry and wet dog foods and went on vacation without worrying too much since he just had the vet visit.

After our vacation, we came back to pick up Grindle, he became noticeably thinner, and had developed a cough/panting issue. He's starting to refuse wet food and eggs. At night, he had some heavy panting before going to sleep. He didn't pee as much as he used to. Grindle has always had behavioral changes and other issues after boarding and always recovered few days after he comes back. We had a busy week so we didn't think about taking him to the vet again.

Last Tuesday morning, before we were up, Grindle had diarrhea on our bedroom floor, we saw blood. This is when I thought to immediately call and visit the vet again.

This was the same hospital, but a different vet. Upon seeing his breathing issues, the vet sent Grindle for oxygen therapy, and we took x-ray of the chest. The x-ray showed that the chest cavity is filled up with fluid and that's what's causing his breathing issues. Vet said that combined with everything he's seeing, it's not looking good for Grindle. He then gave me an estimate of over $3000 that contained multiple tests, intensive care, chest cavity drainage, and a variety of shots and medication. He said it's most likely tumor of the heart or chest cavity and at his age, surgery is most likely very difficult.

In the end, I only agreed to chest drain, x-ray, a diuretic injection, and the consultation which totaled about $1000. I didn't want to spend too much because previous tests were all inconclusive and I didn't want to upset my wife again. I figured if he's close to the end of his life, I might as well just give him patches (such as the chest cavity drain) to make sure he'll live happily for as long as he could, and deal with end of life issues later. I discussed with the vet and he mostly didn't push back, I now understand that it's not because he thinks the additional items are optional, but rather, he understands that everyone has their budget issues and it's not his place to judge.

He said that they are testing a new ultrasound machine on Thursday so they can see Grindle again for free as long as he can be their guinea pig for the new machine, it will not be as good as the echocardiograph from a professional cardiologist, but they should be able to see abnormalities and tumors. He also said they will retake the x-ray for free when his chest is drained. I was very happy to hear that.

Unfortunately, the $3000 list contained a prescription drug that could have delayed Grindle's death until we were back in town and be in touch with our vet again. The drug was only about $50, it is a diuretic (furosemide) that helps Grindle get rid of excess fluid in his body. I rejected it because I don't think Grindle would even eat anything and I would have no way of forcing the pill on him.

I picked up Grindle later that night. Vet said he didn't retake x-ray but took a quick look on their own ultrasound machine, and said "prognosis not good". He said to let him eat what he likes and let them know what we decide on (although I wasn't sure if he meant further diagnostics or euthanasia). I asked him to please check Grindle on Thursday with their new ultrasound machine and he agreed. He said that it's possible that Grindle has some heart condition that's not a serious tumor and can be controlled with medication.

For Tuesday night and Wednesday, Grindle was acting like his old self. He ate wet food and was snapping chicken nuggets off of my hands while I was feeding him, it was his favorite food. I took him to the park and he walked around and played with other dogs, he seemed happy. I slept on the sofa bed and snuggled with him like the old times, before our daughter was born.

Thursday came and I dropped him off for the ultrasound. The vet tech called to say doctor was in surgery so he won't be able to check Grindle until later. An hour and half later, they called back and told me that Grindle was ready to go, but asked me how he was doing first. I told them he was doing well since Tuesday. They said they couldn't see anything in his chest cavity and fluid level was low, they said to observe him for the next few days. I was ecstatic, I thought Grindle was going to be ok, no cancer, no heart problems. I played some happy songs on our way home and I could hardly contain my smile.

The diuretics they injected in on Tuesday might have been responsible for the slow fluid accumulation, but as soon as that wore off, the accumulation came back and ultimately killed Grindle. I didn't think about that and was too busy celebrating that he didn't have cancer and might just be ok.

From Thursday to Friday, his condition deteriorated, he started refusing his food. I took him to the park Friday and he was still happy to be there and walked around. We went to visit my mom and stay the weekend in another city at night. Friday when we were going to sleep, the heavy panting resumed, I was able to help him sleep by patting him on the back and hugging him. I had asthma when I was younger and when I had difficulty breathing, my parents would pat on my back and make me feel better, and I wanted to do the same for him.

Saturday, he was simply not willing to move even at the park. I didn't think to contact my vet right away, thinking we'll just call them on Monday, I thought the fluid accumulation was very slow up to Thursday so he should be fine for the weekend. I thought it might even be due to constipation since he ate too much the past few days after long periods of not eating.

Saturday night turned out to be the worst night of our lives. Grindle barely ate, even when I was hand-feeding him chicken meat. He followed us up and down stairs, which I initially thought was a sign of his good health compared to during the daytime where he wouldn't move at the park, but turned out it was his cry for help because of his discomfort. I looked at various heart medications and diuretics to see if I can get some from a pharmacy nearby, but everything required a prescription.

At 10pm, we got ready for bed, Grindle started panting again. Patting and hugging didn't work this time. He kept moving around looking for a comfortable position, often leaning on my leg, but ended up just standing there gasping 10 seconds later.

At midnight, I was ready to take him to the emergency vet clinic. I woke my wife up to tell her that Grindle is not feeling well and I need to take him to the vet. At this point she had talked to her mom, who is a doctor, and said that Grindle needed some heart medication. She thinks that if I take him to the vet they'll just redo all the expensive tests and still can't help him because he needed a cardiologist. We called multiple clinics to see if they can just administer diuretics and heart medication, but they all said they have to run the full gamut of testing and the vet will decide. I knew Grindle needed help with his breathing, but didn't want to argue, I thought my wife simply didn't want to spend too much money and figured that if he just toughs it out until Monday, we can take him back to our own vet to avoid redoing the same tests. After all, he's been sick so many times and always were able to recover, rarely with real help from a vet.

I barely slept the whole night, I was worried and Grindle's panting never stopped, Grindle wanted to go downstairs where it was cooler, so I went with him and laid down on the couch with him. He's still trying to find a comfortable position but failing to do so. He kept moving around and panting. I tried to move him upstairs and downstairs but couldn't help him be comfortable enough to rest. I looked online and some websites mentioned that tongue turning blue is a serious sign of lack of oxygen, I kept checking him throughout the night but couldn't notice any change in color. I almost wish it did because then I would be able to justify bringing him to a vet right away. At one point I stood up and notice Grindle's tail was wagging, I thought he was feeling better. Maybe Grindle thought I was standing up to find a way to help him, but I didn't.

4AM, Grindle went to a spot away from me to just stand there by himself, he was drooling, which I thought was another serious sign. I was worried to death, and felt physically sick. I took him upstairs again and my wife said he needed heart medication, we should take him to a cardiologist. I called multiple emergency clinics but none had a cardiologist on staff.

5AM, I finally fell asleep, I was simply too tired. Grindle continued to try to find comfort by leaning on my leg, but couldn't stay there for long before having to stand up again.

6AM, Grindle laid down and stopped panting, my wife was worried as well and thought he had died, but I checked to see he was still breathing, thought he might be feeling slightly better and finally be able to sleep now.

6:30AM, we found a hospital with cardiologist on staff about 40 minutes away, but he was fully scheduled for Sunday. We were begging him to fit Grindle in for the day because he was not doing well. He said they really can't. During this conversation, Grindle stopped breathing, my wife noticed first and screamed his name, I started shaking him but he was limp, my wife tried to give him CPR, but I thought it was no use. I put on clothes and drove him to the nearest emergency clinic, I rushed him to the nurse and cried, please help him he's not breathing. Nurse took him to the back.

7AM, the nurse brought his body in a blanket and handed him to me, told me he had no breath or pulse when he arrived so there's nothing they could do. She told me to take my time. I cried in the room while holding him, then thought I'd bring him home. The nurse said yes of course and she's very sorry for my loss.

My wife was waiting downstairs for him, she hugged him and cried and would not let go. We sat there for an hour crying.

My mom brought out a box to put Grindle in, I called a pet crematorium while my wife cried some more. We opted for cremation, a wooden dog house to hold his ashes, and a paw print. We went in our room with our toddler and we cried some more. 20 minutes before they came to pick Grindle up, we went downstairs to take our last look at Grindle, his eyes were open and his tong was sticking out, my wife kept saying his eyes won't close, she said that just before Grindle stopped breathing, she called his name and he looked at her, but she didn't help him.

Sunday night - Tuesday morning, we collected all his pictures from our phone and cameras to compile into our computer, we cleaned up Grindle's things and decided what to keep as keepsakes, and we put more pictures of Grindle on our walls. Our toddler didn't really know what's going on but she kept saying "doggo", maybe she is looking for him as well.

My wife and I kept crying every time we think or talk about how much he was suffering and how we didn't help him, and what would have happened if we just did something different. It turned out she simply wasn't aware that Grindle's panting could kill him and thought he needed cardiologist to give him heart medication, and I failed to communicate that to her. But none of the what-if's were going to bring him back.

Retrospective - There are a lot of things we could have done differently, but the 5 points in the beginning of my post pretty much sums it up. I don't think we will ever not feel guilty when thinking of Grindle for the rest of our lives. We couldn't stop thinking about how he might still be able to live a few months, maybe even years with proper diagnostics and medication, how much he was suffering but we didn't help him, and how he trusted us at the very end of his life while we were majorly screwing up.

Even if Grindle had to be put down that night if we took him to the ER, we'd still be able to know that we did the best for him to stop his suffering. In a timeline where we put Grindle to sleep peacefully, we would miss him but also be happy thinking of all the good times we spent with him, but now all we have is regret and guilt.

Thank you for reading my rambling story, I am still trying to collect myself as I am writing this. I hope that my story is able to help you and your pet in the future when the time comes.

[pikabike]

Ohh, that was painful to read. All I can add is that even if you decided to euthanize before things got as bad as they did, you would still be beating yourself up, second-guessing a million what-ifs. Our dogs had some physical ailments probably related mostly to age, but a major move to a very different and stressful setting had them steeply declining in emotional state, and that worsened all the physical ailments. I thought they would adapt, as they had always been happy animals. Sometimes they got better...and then they would backslide.

This went on for 7 months, during which time I literally did not get one good night’s sleep. I honestly think that eventually kept me from thinking of some possible actions that might have heiped at least a little bit for a little longer. When you are mired in fear of an unknown set of problems, creative thinking goes out the door.

The night of the day we had them euthanized was, indeed, the first real sleep I got. But the guilt and second-guessing consumed me for hours every day, for every single day for the next 2+ years. There were times I wanted to kill myself so I could reunite with them in a safe haven. Once the second-guessing tapered off, it was less guilt that I felt and more a deep, longlasting grief. It has never really left me; I just accept that what happened, happened, and there is no going back.

The only consolation was knowing that ALL of their stressors could no longer torture them. Truly, that was the best I could make of it, besides the fact that they had previously lived so many full, active, carefree years before that.

Let your mind run through all the what-ifs, let yourself wonder if you could have made much difference given the health condition(s), but also let yourself move from guilt to pure sadness that he is gone.

[Ringo1]

Originally Posted by pikabike

Ohh, that was painful to read. All I can add is that even if you decided to euthanize before things got as bad as they did, you would still be beating yourself up, second-guessing a million what-ifs. Our dogs had some physical ailments probably related mostly to age, but a major move to a very different and stressful setting had them steeply declining in emotional state, and that worsened all the physical ailments. I thought they would adapt, as they had always been happy animals. Sometimes they got better...and then they would backslide.

This went on for 7 months, during which time I literally did not get one good night’s sleep. I honestly think that eventually kept me from thinking of some possible actions that might have heiped at least a little bit for a little longer. When you are mired in fear of an unknown set of problems, creative thinking goes out the door.

The night of the day we had them euthanized was, indeed, the first real sleep I got. But the guilt and second-guessing consumed me for hours every day, for every single day for the next 2+ years. There were times I wanted to kill myself so I could reunite with them in a safe haven. Once the second-guessing tapered off, it was less guilt that I felt and more a deep, longlasting grief. It has never really left me; I just accept that what happened, happened, and there is no going back.

The only consolation was knowing that ALL of their stressors could no longer torture them. Truly, that was the best I could make of it, besides the fact that they had previously lived so many full, active, carefree years before that.

Let your mind run through all the what-ifs, let yourself wonder if you could have made much difference given the health condition(s), but also let yourself move from guilt to pure sadness that he is gone.

That is such great advice. And I'm right there with you. Our little maltese had doggy dementia but nothing specific like cancer, etc., and we ended up putting him down because his life seemed so awful.


I felt such guilt for such a long time - even though my Vet assured me that he would never agree to put down a healthy dog. I worried that I hadn't had his teeth cleaned in the past few years because I thought he was too old but maybe it was causing him pain. . . that our lives had become too busy . . whatever I felt guilt about it.


I finally made some kind of peace with it and was able to process my grief in a healthier way.


I hope when Ringo's time comes, I'll be able to deal with it better but who knows.

[pikabike]

Originally Posted by Ringo1

That is such great advice. And I'm right there with you. Our little maltese had doggy dementia but nothing specific like cancer, etc., and we ended up putting him down because his life seemed so awful.


I felt such guilt for such a long time - even though my Vet assured me that he would never agree to put down a healthy dog. I worried that I hadn't had his teeth cleaned in the past few years because I thought he was too old but maybe it was causing him pain. . . that our lives had become too busy . . whatever I felt guilt about it.


I finally made some kind of peace with it and was able to process my grief in a healthier way.


I hope when Ringo's time comes, I'll be able to deal with it better but who knows.

The vets we saw in the new town clearly felt that the only acceptable solution was to “exhaust all the medical procedures” before agreeing to euthanasia.

We felt and still feel that quality of life has to be taken into consideration. The same applies to us humans.

You are right that when the time comes for us, who knows what we’ll think? But at least humans can, in advance, predict possible scenarios and have the ability to make some decisions ahead of time.

[Ringo1]

Originally Posted by pikabike

The vets we saw in the new town clearly felt that the only acceptable solution was to “exhaust all the medical procedures” before agreeing to euthanasia.

We felt and still feel that quality of life has to be taken into consideration. The same applies to us humans.

You are right that when the time comes for us, who knows what we’ll think? But at least humans can, in advance, predict possible scenarios and have the ability to make some decisions ahead of time.

*Ringo* is my dog's name too.


Of course quality of life has to be taken into consideration! My mother made that same decision for herself when she decided to stop chemo and enter hospice. She did not wish to prolong her own suffering and she was smart to make that decision when the bad started to outweigh the good.


Don't feel guilt about your dog; we can 'what if' forever and ever (even with our parents' deaths) and, in the end, we just have to face our human limitations and doing the best we can with the situation presented to us.


I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved dog and I'm glad that you rescued him and his last years were happy ones. You should be proud of that.

[pikabike]

Originally Posted by Ringo1

*Ringo* is my dog's name too.


Of course quality of life has to be taken into consideration! My mother made that same decision for herself when she decided to stop chemo and enter hospice. She did not wish to prolong her own suffering and she was smart to make that decision when the bad started to outweigh the good.


Don't feel guilt about your dog; we can 'what if' forever and ever (even with our parents' deaths) and, in the end, we just have to face our human limitations and doing the best we can with the situation presented to us.


I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved dog and I'm glad that you rescued him and his last years were happy ones. You should be proud of that.

Rescued? The male was a pup we got from the breeder, and the adult female came to us as a rehoming about a year later. Neither one was a rescue, although the female’s dam was indeed rescued from a terrible situation.