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A relative (46 year old woman) attended a family funeral yesterday. A group of friends and family were gathered at graveside when she arrived. People stopped mid sentence and stared. She appears to be very young because she's only 85-90 pounds and is only 4'9" tall. Anyway, she was trying to walk in very high glittery silver heels, had 2 bold black eyes that looked as though she had used magic marker in place of eyeliner, hot pink cheeks and bright yellow lipstick. Yes - YELLOW! She was also wearing a black wig with silver streaks that was waaaaay too big and nearly slipping off her head with each wobbly step she took. Her natural hair color is blonde and the black wig looked garish with her delicate coloring. I had offered to take her shopping a couple days before the service because she doesn't dress appropriately and I knew it was important to her grandmother (the deceased) that she look presentable that particular day. She assured me she had new clothes and shoes and DID NOT need help with hair or make-up. Well, I was horrified at the outcome! The remarks I overheard nearly broke my heart and I don't know what, if anything, I can do. In years past she's refused all help that friends and relatives have "gently" offered. She began "putting on the paint" in the 80's - loved the big hair and all the glitz. Well, she isn't able to move past that era, but her eyesight has gotten really bad which has probably caused the make-up to become so horribly overdone. I really don't see a way to remedy this situation as she's an adult and not my place to correct her or attempt to control how she chooses to dress. But still - my heart hurts for her. No one wants to see a beloved family member ridiculed.
Re the yellow lipstick, I didn't know that was even made.
It's possible she's color blind.
What matters most, of course, is if she's a good person. Second, that she is healthy. I understand you don't like to see someone you care about ridiculed. In a way, it's no one's business. And being different is not necessarily a bad thing. But I understand what you're saying: that this is so far off the beaten path from being normal that it is concerning.
It depends on how close you are to her. If you aren't close, keep your mouth shut. It's none of your business, esp since she is a middle aged person and has been fixing herself up this way for decades.
If you are close, you could tell her frankly that you are concerned that her way of dressing and doing makeup is so bizarre that you are afraid that there is something wrong with her. But if she DOES have a mental issue, she likely cannot recognize it, so what's the point?
It depends on your personality and hers. I have a friend who would bluntly tell me, "Okay...what's with that outfit and the makeup?" I would say, "What do you mean?" She'd just say, "That's just inappropriate. What's up with that?" But that's my friend's personality, and I appreciate bluntness, if it isn't mean. I would tell, for instance, my brother the same thing if he started wearing bizarre things. He wouldn't change, I'm sure. But I'd point it out, for sure. But we are close.
One thing I would not do is hint around. Or offer to help a middle aged person shop for clothes. I'd just come out and say what's on my mind.
If her vision is too poor for her to drive, and she has other developmental problems, she might qualify for disability, if she has ever worked. If not, then I don't know. Grandmother did this woman no favors not having her diagnosed and treated when she was younger, so in a way, she is being paid back when grandchild shows up at her funeral dressed in a bizarre way.
Personally, I doubt she could hold a job. She has no skills, or has ever been encouraged to work, at least in a consistent way.
I think she needs diagnosing. Something is amiss. A diagnosis might qualify her for some sort of help. It might explain her behavior. It might lead to opportunities for help.
Just a horrifying thought--her father could not be abusing her?
And, I think the family needs to find out what she wants for the rest of her life. If what she wants is to be supported, and this is not possible, she needs to understand this. I think it is time for the family to act together to find a solution to her problem. This is, unfortunately, the family's problem to solve.
I feel a lot of compassion for this woman, who possibly could not decide for herself the best course for her life, but has now lost so much time.
Sounds like she was into the hair metal/punk era and decided to stay there. I'm sure she's heard others snark about it and obviously doesn't care. The look makes her happy and I think it's cool to be true to yourself. She probably thinks you guys look ridiculous.
And just how did you come to this diagnosis? Just because she makes style choices that don't align with what is "acceptable"?
Let me tell you, when you're a woman (especially) and make choices that far out of the normal then yes, I would start to wonder. If her appearance was "all" that was atypical then so what - but if other parts of her life are similar then that indicates some dysfunction. There may or may not be anything the family can do, but it's worth checking out.
It's a guess. I'm all for personal expression, but if you read all the posts, you'd know there is something very wrong with her. If op wants to help her, she should do so before the lady winds up living under a bridge.
OP doesn't want to help. OP just wants to criticize and bash so that he/she can feel comfortably superior to this person.
OP doesn't want to help. OP just wants to criticize and bash so that he/she can feel comfortably superior to this person.
Fortunately, I won't have to continue with the criticizing and bashing. The minister (woman) who performed the funeral service for this woman's grandmother has stepped forward to provide assistance. The minister was very disturbed over the appearance and actions of the granddaughter and says she WILL find help for her. There...I can now sit back and let the minister do all the bashing.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPIDER04
Fortunately, I won't have to continue with the criticizing and bashing. The minister (woman) who performed the funeral service for this woman's grandmother has stepped forward to provide assistance. The minister was very disturbed over the appearance and actions of the granddaughter and says she WILL find help for her. There...I can now sit back and let the minister do all the bashing.
Good. My guess is, with her grandmother passing, she will be forced to step out of her comfort zone and stretch and take more responsibility for herself. Her grandmother, albeit lovingly, seems to have prevented her from growing up.
Fortunately, I won't have to continue with the criticizing and bashing. The minister (woman) who performed the funeral service for this woman's grandmother has stepped forward to provide assistance. The minister was very disturbed over the appearance and actions of the granddaughter and says she WILL find help for her. There...I can now sit back and let the minister do all the bashing.
I am so glad someone has stepped forward. But where is the girl's family in all of this? Surely they should be highly involved.
This situation is not about "obsessing" over what a person wears to a funeral. This is about a kind woman being made a laughing stock and my feeling sad for her. This incident just happened to occur at a funeral.
I'm not a "bad guy" folks. I only came here with hopes of getting insight on helping a kind woman without embarrassing her. My hope was that someone here had dealt with a similar situation and could help me to help her. Sadly, our society judges people on their appearance and this woman is being judged unfairly.
I have a son with Aspergers. Sometimes (not often) I have to just tell him "No. Turn around and put something else on."
To me, it seems less hurtful to be somewhat blunt, and just come out and tell someone (that you care about) that they look ridiculous, and put it out there. And then offer some direction to something more appropriate.
Maybe you could take her on a shopping trip. My sister and I used to play a kind of game, when we'd go shopping together. We would pick out an outfit for the other, and each of us had to try the outfit on. Sometimes, it was surprising how much someone else's tastes looked good on the other person. We didn't force each other to buy the outfit...we just had to try it on, and show the other.
Maybe you could do something similar with your relative.
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