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I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I would be invited to a dressy party and asked outright to bring a dish of food. Even if a friend said, "Hey, Jim and I are having a cocktail party in two weeks to celebrate Jessica's promotion" and I knew that meant I should wear something sparkly and short, there is no way that after my enthusiastic acceptance the next words out of her mouth would be, "Oh good. Please bring some hot appetizers."
Well, maybe it's because I hang out with foodies, but I can imagine all of us bringing something nummy around a theme and wanting to dress up at the same time, and no one thinking it's "rude" that the person host(essing) asked us all to bring our specialty - we all love to cook, and we all love to try different things, so that would be half the fun! In fact, I have a Meetup where we do potlucks on a regular basis, some more dressy than others, depending.
That kind of variation in what's considered "normal" is why it's not easy to give a cut and dried answer to a question, especially when the person posting the query already knows the answer they want and isn't providing more information.
Okay, I can see that. That makes sense. I think the OP's post was pretty obvious that wasn't the case, though. I figured she was either indignant to be asked or was the asker and had been rebuked.
You're probably right that he or she was fishing for a particular answer. Sorry, OP, you did come off that way to me, too.
Well, it was clear that you were looking for a specific answer when you asked the question, but there were several different responses here.
Were you asked on the invitation (or with it) to bring something? In other words, was it made clear that it was a potluck, albeit perhaps a "dress up" potluck, initially?
Is it going to be as described above, in the first paragraph of the post that you responded to, full tilt formal? In that case, I can't imagine the host(ess) asking the guests to bring a thing.
Are dinner parties of any kind common in your crowd? If so, whatever's normal would seem to be what would be the appropriate behavior.
Way too little information, all of it from one side, to give a valid answer to this one.
You make a fair assessment. I was just of in a hurry & did not have time to write a long drawn out story. My brother in law & I are in a debate because the few times he & his wife have people over he tells everyone what to bring. Finally, I told him that it was tacky. It's one level of tackiness to have us his family do it, but it is really bad taste (IMO) to ask non family to bring stuff over.
Now I know someone mentioned being a foodie and how everyone brings stuff. I think that is different, whereas that is a social that involves everyone loving to cook...
Also, I think a potluck is excluded...by virtue of the definition of potluck.
However, when it comes to inviting 4-8 people over to your house for a dinner, I think you should plan to cook and not expect or demand people to bring food over to your house.
Someone mentioned it depends on what people in your circle usually do. I think I can agree with that as I throw many parties, dinner & BBQ and I also go to many parties. I never show up empty handed and I always call to ask what I can bring (in addition to the wine or hostess gift I already have). My BIL & his wife are the only people I know who have ever basically planned their menu & then gave each attendee an item to prepare. I am actually embarassed for him & his wife and it's one thing to ask us but to ask other people...I think he looks tacky.
Don't get me wrong, when I go to other dinner parties, I always call & get an item off of their list anyway. The point I was trying to make to my BIL is that he should plan on making the entire meal if he is inviting people. However, most likely people will ask what they can bring, at which point he should then provide suggestions.
On another note, this is the same BIL who comes to my house & drinks up all our beer. One time he even bought a case of beer but kept it in the car and ate & drank to his fill. Without bringing or being asked to bring anything.
p.s. many erros in the above psot, but I have to get back to work. Thanks for your responses and happy holidays. My BIL are still debating, (don't worry it is all in good fun) maybe I will go research some etiquette books.
Ah, so there's a history - and family history at that - to the story! All becomes clear!
You say that every time he has a dinner party, he does this. Are these "Formal" dinner parties as described by the poster above:
a FORMAL sit down dinner, w/ everyone in tuxes and cocktail dresses, and w/ a hired bartender and pianist and waiters
or is it more informal, everyone sits at the table, but there's no hired bartender, pianist, waiters, or tuxes?
More importantly, do the other guests keep coming to these parties and seem to enjoy them? If he does this every time, as you say, it would seem that his guests expect this and would, eventually, turn down his invitations if they were not comfortable with it. Has anyone else said something to you about it?
The beer is something else again. Unless he's perfectly comfortable with you coming to his house and drinking all of HIS beer (and he has comparable beer to yours, in quality). I'd disappear the beer when I knew he was coming over, in future.
p.s. many erros in the above psot, but I have to get back to work. Thanks for your responses and happy holidays. My BIL are still debating, (don't worry it is all in good fun) maybe I will go research some etiquette books.
penny, did I make a mistake on this? Here is what I was referring to:
My BIL & his wife are the only people I know who have ever basically planned their menu & then gave each attendee an item to prepare.
He should plan on making the entire meal if he is inviting people.
No people are not wearing tuxes but people are dressed up. As for repeat guest, i's gotten to the point that it is only family. Honestly, they complain that their friends do not come and visit them even when they are in the area. As for his beer, when anyone comes to his house, there is none there (I don't even drink beer). I guess my point was to show him that it is for the most part poor etiquette. Sure there are plenty of exceptions. However, the self absorbness has become a problem. While tolerated by family, they have lost friends because of it and they wonder why. I guess I was trying to explain to him that this is one of the examples. I know you ask several questions but like cr1039 said "For them to host a party, plan a menu and tell each person what to bring is laughable."
And, whether they do or do not have waiters, a pianist or an ice sculpture, if you host a part, plan a menu & then tell everyone what to bring (provided it is not a certain type of party where everyone does that) I think it is laughable.
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I'd disappear the beer when I knew he was coming over, in future.
