Relocation: How well do teen-agers that don't want to move adjust?

[jeaninejoy]

If you get the opportunity, take it.
Your son is a minor and he is not in charge of the family. He doesn't have right to make the decision. He can definitely not want to go, but he can't not go if you chose to take him with you.
The concern about his ability to adjust is valid but here's the crutch of that:
* If he isn't equipped to adjust well to the move isn't it better to learn that increasing his level of resilience is something that he needs to do than waiting until life serves him something he doesn't want when he has a wife/child/career on the line and learns in a more difficult lesson? It is better for children to learn resilience while they still have the support of their parents.

Let's put it another way, this job is an opportunity for the family to get ahead financially but if you maintain two households for two years it will not do that and the family will be separated.

So, you decide not to do it. 1) you're likely to resent the sacrifice you made to accommodate his desires (not needs) and this will be magnified if another equal opportunity is never found and even more if something happens that makes it impossible to improve your situation.

If you accommodate his desire you're putting his desire ahead of the family. Will he expect his future spouse to do the same for him? Will he expect his children to do the same for him? Will he expect his employer to do the same for him? What about his college professors?

Maintaining two households also places stress on a marriage which is already stressed by long-distance moves. Would he want to increase the risk of the health of his parents marriage to satisfy his desire to stay in a school that isn't great?

We cannot control the circumstances of our lives, we can control our responses to those circumstances and learning those skills is the difference between a life of struggle and a life that we enjoy.

If you get the opportunity and take it and he is struggling, use the EAP to get him some assistance. The stigma associated with getting help with psychological struggles comes from a superstitious era when we didn't know how to deal with such issues. Today we know there are healthy habits of thought and unhealthy habits of thought and healthy ones lead to positive outcomes, unhealthy ones are precursors to undesirable outcomes.

I worked for a VP in the 80's who sought counseling for a couple of months every time she changed jobs because she recognized the psychological adjustment and the value of a non-judgmental person as a sounding board to help her re-frame her new reality. Despite having lived through some traumatic life experiences she was one of the most well-rounded and fun people I've ever known.

[notnamed]

Having grown up a military brat where "Home is where the Air Force sends you" I got used to moving every 3-4 years. Kids are resilient. Keeping in touch with friends at a distance is easier than ever these days, not like trying to maintain pen pals like in my childhood. Being the "new kid" in school is not a big deal and they do eventually make friends. And this is coming from a pretty introverted person myself.

I would not hesitate to move a teenager for the family's benefit. Especially if it was to a better school.

[fallingwater]

We moved when my son was 11 just before his 12th bday. We rented a home first and then moved into the home we purchased. First school year was 6th grade in an elementary school. He started Jr. high in the new city but I didn't realize that in this district they started Jr high in 6th grade so I thought he would be starting his Jr high years with everyone else in his class. Nope it was their second year.

It was hard on my son and we had a issues for a while. He was very withdrawn and did experience some bullying. A lot of the kids knew each other and he felt like an outsider. Plus Jr. high pretty much sucks for most kids. We went to counseling for about a year because he had become so withdrawn. It took him almost 6 months in counseling before he said he was angry with us. He then admitted that when we went back to our home state to visit family a couple of times, he realized where we moved to was much nicer. I think pieces finally clicked that we weren't trying to ruin his life but we wanted to do better.

He is now graduated from high school. He made friends and wouldn't want to move from here.

[SethLord]

I would argue that there was private anger but since you closed yourself off from the emotional aspect, they didn't feel they could express it and instead outwardly "embraced" the inevitable and made the best of a bad situation. Not to say this is terrible, but one has to resolve past emotional conflicts.

This could be called resilience, but having been through that myself, I can tell you that there is still strong resentment well into my thirties (and admittedly I refused to make close friends; being introverted anyway meant that I didn't really have any casual acquaintances either as we introverts tend to make a few close friends instead of having a large social network or see a new doctor - which you can absolutely succeed in doing as a minor since they can't touch you, force you to undress or be honest, if you tell them not to (assault) and if you're unpleasant enough) - but to be fair it's more than just moving and it's focused on their entire lack of emotional support throughout my life.

I don't regret my decisions in retrospect because the area was very Bible-thumping Christian (which penetrated secular, public school walls) and I was already heading towards paganism, I didn't care for the overall political stance the town took and was always the outspoken liberal if they got on their conservative soapboxes.

[SethLord]

Originally Posted by movingsoflo

My husband's job took him from South Florida to NC last January. We have four children, one of whom is on her own, two in college in FL and one was a sophomore in high school. I stayed with him until he finished the year, then we moved up and bought a house. My husband and I love the area, but our son has had a difficult adjustment. He misses his friends and feels he is missing the best years of his life by not being in the only area he has ever known, and will miss out on senior year events with his friends. He hasn't made friends with anyone in which he has spent time with, other than talking to in class or in rec basketball. My husband and I are now considering whether I should go back to Florida with him for a year, so he can do his senior year there, and then also would be a resident for college, which he would prefer, over NC schools. I am wondering if this consideration would be a mistake. In the scheme of life, he is adjusting fine….goes to school, which he was never overly fond of anyway….and I know he can go down and visit and friends can come here to visit. He can get a job here and college isn't very far away. I'm not quite sure if it's worth the sacrifice of splitting up parents for that year, just to finish high school. He wasn't very involved in school, but had his handful of close friends. By the way, we took this position up here, knowing we were close enough to retirement, moving to a beautiful place, and company totally paid for move and closing costs on both ends, plus compensation for the 'hassle'--a hefty cost if left on us! This puts us in what we consider to be a great place for retirement. It's hard looking for a new job at that level when you're over 55!! Thoughts welcome….

I know this is old but I would've (for anyone now in this situation) tried to send him to live with a friend in Florida and would've given him POA medical or emancipated him so that he could be happier. However, I basically think you're grown at 16 (more of a European mindset, I know) and don't interfere much after 15 so much as you aren't coming home pregnant/with pregnant gf, aren't getting arrested, doing drugs, drinking, or skipping school, etc. If you're making healthy choices, I will give you space to be a free teen and let you treat the house like a dorm with some but not too many rules.

You got too great a deal to pass up, though.

[SethLord]

Please, don’t use the “get over it”/ “Suck it up” approach unless you have tried everything else, from putting a positive spin on it, making non-monetary bribes (i.e. “Hey, David, if you really try to make friends and have a good attitude in our new town, I’ll let you visit the hometown for two weeks in summer. How does that sound?”) and even including counselling/medication if there are underlying psyche issues.
I say this because we don’t truly “get over it”, rather we don’t complain to you because we know you don’t care how we feel. Whether you say, “get over it, you’ll eventually enjoy it.” with a smile and a hug or with a harsh tone and punishment it sends the exact same message: “Your feelings are not important. Only mine are.” In fact, using the first tactic is MORE INFURIATING than the second; it not only says you don't care, it goes the extra step to marginalize and invalidate their feelings. And, even if you mean this now, but only in this context, it will be carried over into other areas in the mind of the recipient.
Let me tell you the things I never told my parents because of that one statement: “get over it”. I changed my name, transitioned to male, blocked her from being a point of contact on all emergency forms and having any access to medical records in the case of an emergency – even a life-or-death one, have undergone surgeries without her knowing, separated without telling her, have had girlfriends without her knowing I’m in a relationship, have taken jobs without her knowing, have gotten awards that she’s never seen, have been to the brink of suicide and back, completely ignored medical issues that needed to be checked as a teen, have driven myself to hospital with severe pain to avoid dealing with her “support”, changed religions, just to name a very small few – and I don’t regret it because if she can tell me to “get over it” when a female doctor sexually abuses me, and when female family/friends sexually molested me, when i was slapped and hit by drunk aunts, when I was sick or when I was scared, then why would she care about anything else?
I know that moving is not akin to abuse – but that’s not my point. I want to make the point that the statement “get over it” or “suck it up”, no matter how you say it, carries one message only: “I don’t care how you feel; only my feelings are important. You don’t matter.” If you must deliver this message, here is my suggestion:
“Teshaun, I know you’re not keen on this move and I want to help you through it, but I don’t know how (and I’m overwhelmed, too). We’ve tried everything possible to help, but nothing has helped; we don’t know what you need. This is something we need to do because we’re getting older and we can retire comfortably from these jobs, it’s better for the family because we’ll be earning more money, we’ll be closer to extended family, (or whatever your reason is). If you can tell us – or someone else who would tell us - what it is that is bothering you most about this move, or how we can help, we’ll do our best to assist. We aren’t moving to intentionally hurt you. Is there anything you’d like to say to us?” (if they do speak, let them speak as they wish, even if they start to curse. They’re letting it out and that’s a good thing.)
Key points:
1. Don’t press for responses.
2. Don’t make unintentionally accusatory statements (i.e. “YOU aren’t telling us what the problem is” or “YOU aren’t trying to have a good attitude”.)
3. Don’t make threats. (i.e. “if you don’t try to acclimate, we’ll take away the car.”) If they do cross a line, like responding to a new neighbour’s kind greetings with a loud “**** off!” and kicking their trashcan, punish them only for the profanity and action – not the emotions behind it. A good way to phrase it would be, “Teshaun, I understand you are having a difficult time and you’re not being punished for your emotions; however, the family rules clearly state no profanity and no violence. Please make an apology for cursing at the neighbours and kicking their trashcan tomorrow.” Notice how I didn’t mention mandating that Teshaun have a conversation with the neighbour, or even ask how they’re doing. This addresses only the offences of kicking and cursing, so, he can go up to them and say very directly, “I’m sorry for kicking your trashcan and cursing at you.” and leave without speaking to them further. It falls to you, the parents to explain to the neighbours that your child is struggling, and to let them know that the best option would be to back off for a bit. Who knows – you might have psychologists or a physician for neighbours who know how to help the child.
4. Don’t talk down to them; before you start this conversation, pretend you’re at work and need to talk to your employee about her tardiness. You wouldn’t say, “Donna, get in here now! I’m tired of your tardiness, young lady.”, right? You’d say, “Ms. <last name>, I have noticed that you have been tardy a lot lately. As per policy you are to be on time. Is there something going on that is causing this, that you’d like us to know? If there is a valid excuse as to why, we may be able to offer you some assistance, change your schedule, etc. We certainly value your knowledge and work, and don’t want to lose you.”
5. Don’t lecture them about how they’ll have to learn to accept change in the future. This is not the time to talk about further change.
6. Don’t lecture them about other things (like grades, their room not being clean, etc.) It’s not a good idea to pile on the list of your complaints in one sitting because the move itself is already clearly overwhelming, so adding “You need to box up your clothes for the movers” is essentially the same as jabbing a knife into their stomach, pulling it out and jabbing it in again – then asking if it hurts as you pour salt into the wound and tell them to stop crying.
7. Don’t make jokes – even light-hearted ones. i.e. “Hey, Theresa, at least you won’t have to shave your legs at the new all-girls school! <haha>”.
8. Don’t keep asking, “are you okay?” afterwards. The answer is ‘no’. They’re not going to be Okay for a while, but they know they must move and they’re trying to process it in their own way.
9. Don’t try to push things on them because you think they’ll regret not doing them, like going-away party, a last school dance or sporting event. If they insist they don’t want to attend homecoming now, or they start pulling away from friends, don’t hark on it, just let them decide how to handle it and point out the pros and cons of their choices if they are open to hearing it. Maybe they’ll regret it – maybe they won’t. Don’t rub it in if they admit that they do regret it, later. Just a “I’m sorry, it was a rough time for you.” will do at that point. If their friends come to you hurting, encourage them to speak their own parents for support and let them know that it’s a decision you’ve left to the struggling child. If you think you should, you can even tell the parents that their child is struggling and may need their support.
10. Don’t push activities on them once you’ve arrived. Maybe the neighbours’ kids want to play with yours and maybe you do think it’s a good idea, but let the ultimate decision be up to them – same as 9. If the activities are a requirement through the school, let the school know that you understand the rules but that your child is having a hard time and that they will have to give a reasonable amount of time to acclimate. If they still refuse to participate, don’t punish them for lack of participation but for the subsequent failing grade. They know what they must do to pass, right? No need to hark – put the ball in their court.
11. If you are also overwhelmed (i.e. you’re a single parent, going through divorce, struggling with your own mental or physical health issues, etc.) be honest with them. Don’t use them as a sounding board, though. You can’t use them as a counsellor – for that you need your own friends. Just let them know you care, but that you are also struggling.
12. If they refuse to make friends, don’t tell them, “Well, it’s your choice to be miserable. You can make friends and be happy or not and be miserable.” Just keep quiet generally and when you do have something planned for guests, a simple, “Chris, do you have someone you’d like to invite over?” will do. If they shake their head, then accept it without further question. If they say ‘yes’, don’t get excited. Just a simple smile will do.
13. If they’re being reasonable, let them have some say in their own lives and in family life.

Last bit of advice is this. Chances are you have other children and chances are that the others are handling the move very well – and may even be excited. Don’t share with them anything that your troubled child shares with you, ever. Don’t use the other children to excite the troubled one, either. Instead, sit with the others and ask them to take into consideration the feelings of the troubled one by not being too excited around them, not talking about it constantly, preparing for the move away from them and even – if it is something the troubled child would not mind – asking them to pack their stuff for them so that they do not have to. If you take this route, please ask them to do this voluntarily, to help their struggling sibling and not for extra allowance. If the other children want to have going-away party, and the struggling one doesn’t, and the siblings share friends (e.g. your younger son’s best friend is the brother of your older daughter’s friend, or your friend is the mother of child’s friend, who will be in tow), try to honour the struggling one by either giving them an alternative place to go such as a grandparent’s house or neighbour’s house, or having the party elsewhere and letting them stay home. Often this show of solidarity and respect can strengthen sibling bonds and lets the struggling sibling know that they are loved, even if they do not want to accept it at this time.

A lot of us are tough nuts to crack. I had to move to a city for 6 years and in those six years, I made perhaps 5 friends, none of whom I speak to now, and I guiltlessly broke up with the person I'd been dating for a couple of years, to move back to my hometown, despite talks of marriage. I don't hate the place now, but I don't regret leaving it either. (Mostly because I have ZERO patience for city traffic and dumbass college students who walk in front of cars to see a bunch of guys bounce a ball for however long a basketball game lasts. LOL.) Maybe they'll move back anyway, maybe they won't, maybe they'll move to a totally different place for their job, who knows. Just don't break the emotional cords with words you can't take back, because once you do, they can't be restrung and the cords are not infinite in number. Eventually there will be none left and you will lose access to them and their children.

Now, most teens will lower their walls much faster. They might refuse to make friends for a week or two but after that they'll get bored with their protest, and if you're not giving them the attention they wanted for it, they'll see no point in continuing. Boys in particular will move on fairly fast for a pretty girlfriend. It may be a month, or two, maybe 6 before you see a huge change in attitude, but generally it does get better faster.

People will forget the words you said, but not the way you made them feel.