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To me, if you have nothing to say, it's better to keep quiet. I feel this is a cop-out line used by people who know they should say something appropriate, but don't really want to be bothered with your grief and be supportive, which would upset and inconvenience them.
I believe that the woman who told you that was (in her own way)offering you her condolences and support.Unless someone looses someone who was very close to them, I imagine it would be very hard to understand the sadness that you feel....and as insensitive as she may have sounded she was probably really trying to say that she's sorry that you are in such pain.
Ummm, I understand that this is relating to a loved one that passed away, but the part where you say you're bothered by "he's in a better place" sounds like this thread would belong in the religion and philosophy forum under atheists and agnostics.
To me, if you have nothing to say, it's better to keep quiet. I feel this is a cop-out line used by people who know they should say something appropriate, but don't really want to be bothered with your grief and be supportive, which would upset and inconvenience them.
So could it also be... that misplaced anger toward someone who is only trying to comfort you, is a "cop-out"?....simply a coping mechanism used by the grieving to deal with their grief?...misdirected anger, because the person you're angry at for "leaving" isn't around to be angry at? Therefore, it's easier to be angry at someone who seems to have found a way to cope with the loss.
Often people will say that because they are at a loss for words to express their condolences. Perhaps they truly believe it, or it's just a way to avoid dealing with their own mortality. Regardless, you can't let it anger you. No one gets through life undefeated, and we all have our own coping mechanism.
There are those individuals who I felt were trying too hard to console me or in some cases relate to my grief at times. I once had a supervisor who told me that he was going through the same thing I was because at the same time my 17 year old son died, he's telling me about his 93 year old grandmother who just died. Now I don't doubt he was grieving, but I was really angry at the time that he would compare the death of an elderly grandmother who lived a full life to the death of a mere child. He used to do this often, always trying to counter whatever I was going through with what I felt were his own trivial circumstances. He was one of those guys who always tries to "one-up" everyone, and it finally got to me when it hit close to home. In hindsight I shouldn't have been angry, but no one hands you a life skills coping manual early on in life so you can react to every tragedy in the most effective manner.
One thing I do know, when you suffer a tragic loss it changes you. A part of you dies with them and you're never the same. Ultimately it is up to us to decide how much of ourselves are going to die with them and how much will live on. You never fully accept it though, you learn to live with it, but some part of you will always wish you had one more hour or even ten more minutes to be alone with them. One day, this girl will suffer some painful losses, and she'll find her own way to cope the same way the rest of us have. For now, it's just the well-meaning words of a very young adult who still might see the world through a more idealistic and optimistic set of eyes. No harm, no foul.
They kind of bother me. I would never in a million years respond negatively, but they annoy me. There's this one girl (the daughter [18-19 yrs old] of my bro's friend) that leaves messages like this on my brother's fb page. I really like that she still thinks of him. It means the world to me, to be honest, but the whole "you're in a better place", as an atheist, gets me ruffled. I think to myself, "no, he's not in a better place, he's in no place. And before that he suffered a majority of the time for the past 20 years". I love her for it, tho. I love her young, bright-eyed, hopeful youth. It's awesome. Me, OTOH, am just p*ssed about the whole thing. The consequence of this is that I spoil his dog beyond reproach. She's the queen of my house.
Ahh, I'm having a sharing night. Any way, to the peeps who have lost, or can imagine, and maintain an ongoing, interactive memorial, how do you feel about such sentiments or what do you think?
I figure that people mean well when they say that. Even though, in my opinion it is stupid. Even if I was religious (which I am not) I wouldn't assume that everyone was "saved" and going to "heaven". After all, according to religious people, HELL is not a better place. LOL
When I respond with condolences, I just say... "I'm sorry for your loss" or "my condolences to your family". Because I personally do not believe they are in a better place. Although, if someone is suffering, being dead is marginally better, I guess.
Often people will say that because they are at a loss for words to express their condolences. Perhaps they truly believe it, or it's just a way to avoid dealing with their own mortality. Regardless, you can't let it anger you. No one gets through life undefeated, and we all have our own coping mechanism.
There are those individuals who I felt were trying too hard to console me or in some cases relate to my grief at times. I once had a supervisor who told me that he was going through the same thing I was because at the same time my 17 year old son died, he's telling me about his 93 year old grandmother who just died. Now I don't doubt he was grieving, but I was really angry at the time that he would compare the death of an elderly grandmother who lived a full life to the death of a mere child. He used to do this often, always trying to counter whatever I was going through with what I felt were his own trivial circumstances. He was one of those guys who always tries to "one-up" everyone, and it finally got to me when it hit close to home. In hindsight I shouldn't have been angry, but no one hands you a life skills coping manual early on in life so you can react to every tragedy in the most effective manner.
One thing I do know, when you suffer a tragic loss it changes you. A part of you dies with them and you're never the same. Ultimately it is up to us to decide how much of ourselves are going to die with them and how much will live on. You never fully accept it though, you learn to live with it, but some part of you will always wish you had one more hour or even ten more minutes to be alone with them. One day, this girl will suffer some painful losses, and she'll find her own way to cope the same way the rest of us have. For now, it's just the well-meaning words of a very young adult who still might see the world through a more idealistic and optimistic set of eyes. No harm, no foul.
Truer words were never spoken. Yes... and for the record, I lost a child who was 5 1/2 months old and it can NEVER be the same as someone who loses an older child or even a spouse. The loss of a loved one, in fact, can never be truly compared to anyone elses. You can only say what you HOPE will help someone with that loss. There really is nothing you can say or do to "make" things better...you can only try.
And Coolhand...yes, it DOES change you...that statement hit me to the very core. I have said it a thousand times....yes, it changes you, you simply have to rein yourself in and decide exactly HOW it is going to change you...for better?...or worse?
I understand how you feel Braunwyn. Sometimes when you are in a process of grieving, no matter what is said, it may cause a frustration. At the same time, I think it helps to understand that imperfect people may not know what to say or how to react and any thoughtful word regardless of whether you agree with it or not is usually a good thing. This young girl still thinks about your brother and I think her words and intentions are genuine. There is no cop-out. She is not talking to you and trying to come up with words, she is reaching out on her own and posting out of her own faith.
Often people will say that because they are at a loss for words to express their condolences. Perhaps they truly believe it, or it's just a way to avoid dealing with their own mortality. Regardless, you can't let it anger you. No one gets through life undefeated, and we all have our own coping mechanism.
There are those individuals who I felt were trying too hard to console me or in some cases relate to my grief at times. I once had a supervisor who told me that he was going through the same thing I was because at the same time my 17 year old son died, he's telling me about his 93 year old grandmother who just died. Now I don't doubt he was grieving, but I was really angry at the time that he would compare the death of an elderly grandmother who lived a full life to the death of a mere child. He used to do this often, always trying to counter whatever I was going through with what I felt were his own trivial circumstances. He was one of those guys who always tries to "one-up" everyone, and it finally got to me when it hit close to home. In hindsight I shouldn't have been angry, but no one hands you a life skills coping manual early on in life so you can react to every tragedy in the most effective manner.
One thing I do know, when you suffer a tragic loss it changes you. A part of you dies with them and you're never the same. Ultimately it is up to us to decide how much of ourselves are going to die with them and how much will live on. You never fully accept it though, you learn to live with it, but some part of you will always wish you had one more hour or even ten more minutes to be alone with them. One day, this girl will suffer some painful losses, and she'll find her own way to cope the same way the rest of us have. For now, it's just the well-meaning words of a very young adult who still might see the world through a more idealistic and optimistic set of eyes. No harm, no foul.
Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel
Truer words were never spoken. Yes... and for the record, I lost a child who was 5 1/2 months old and it can NEVER be the same as someone who loses an older child or even a spouse. The loss of a loved one, in fact, can never be truly compared to anyone elses. You can only say what you HOPE will help someone with that loss. There really is nothing you can say or do to "make" things better...you can only try.
I heard many such comments myself here just recently but I view it as not so much words but intent. Some of these people were just saying something as a politeness. Others had genuine care and concern and they shared to some extent my loss. Then there were those who were lost in their own grief even as I was. None of these people meant any harm and wanted only to pass on a kindness. Lets face it, sometimes there are no words. What then do you say when something is expected and yet there are no words? I have no answer here but I know that these people meant well and that is enough for me.
One thing specific that comes to mind though is that saying you "know" someones loss is not the right thing to say. I was a kid when my dad died and at the funeral a guy came up to me and said that he understood my loss and was sorry. Went right by me. I was consumed in my own sadness, confused, it seemed like he could open his eyes and get right out of the casket. Overwhelmed. I marked his words not at all much than same as all the other words. My grandma took him aside though and I could hear her whispering to him as her hearing was going and her whispers were not exactly whispers. She told him no one can ever know anothers loss, I forget it all now but I remember the concept. I didn't really understand then but as I grew older I came to understand it. I cannot know what would be like for one of my children to die. I know it would be bad, would hurt worse than seeing my mom die just recently. But I can never know it or understand it unless I had been there. Even were I to go through it my own experience would be unique to me as someone elses was to them. The grief of another is something that can never be wholly shared or compared or understood.
It is odd that in such a thead I should say this but to you who have lost your child, I am sorry.
As I've shared with you in the past, I lost my brother too and I can't tell you how many times (even 5 years later) I still hear this comment. Depending on how I'm feeling, it can get on my nerves or flash back to the very moment of pain I was feeling and grasping for any means of comfort to make sense of his death.
The truth is none of us really know if there is a "better place" as we have not experienced death firsthand. However, I have faith such a place exists because surely all the suffering in this world has to be compensated for. It's same faith that has brought me through the loss of many loved ones and keeps me going until my time comes. Until I get to the other side, I will never know for sure.
Take the girl's comments as an expression of her faith. It should comfort you and compliment him that over a year after his death, he is still thought of. I don't think anyone who is self-serving and uses these terms as chiche's or cop-outs would've bothered to post.
FWIW, I do hate the "they look good" comment when talking about a dead person laying in a casket. But, it's just one of those things you have to deal with.
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