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My grandfather died when I was 8, i remember it very well. I was told he wasnt feeling well and wasnt available when I called. A week later I was told he died. He had been in the hospital with heart failure but noone wanted to upset me and thus i wasnt allowed to say goodbye. Im still upset. I was allowed to attend his wake, but not his funeral, which I am still mad about. I wanted to go. They didnt let me say goodbye in the hospital and didnt want to me to say goodbye at this funeral either.
My mother died when I was 13. She went into the hospital while I was in NJ from NC visiting my father. It was my summer break. She was in the hospital 2 weeks before anyone told me, they only told me because she wasnt getting better. I almost lost my mother without saying goodbye because the adults in my life thought they knew better. I had to tell them I was coming home, because she is my mother.
The truth is easier to swallow now than the truth later. Kids need honesty, even if someone sugarcoated with the "they are no longer in pain" "God is with them" etc, kids deserve the truth.
To answer the above, sit him down and talk to him. If you are religious explain about heaven. If not religious explain that everyone has a time to go and dad had his time. It will be tough but your job as a support person in his life is to support his grieving process. Dont forget that the process for even children includes grief, anger, and denial. Children need time too.
Sorry to hear your story but at the same time I appreciate your sharing it. When I start doing group sessions with children I will remember your story.
During the training I got honesty is a must. According to the program director, she says that the parents are the problem more than the children. Wanting to protect children for pain often has to do with how to handle the children. They do not know what to do so often they avoid dealing with it by not telling the child the loved one died.
From what learned if the child asks what happened with dad the answer is "Your father died". The child may ask "Why did he died". He had cancer. If he asks what is cancer you can explain that it is a sickness that attacks the body and the person stops breathing.
If he asks when is dad is going to come back, the honest answer is that he will not come back.
Answers that are unclear are not recommended. It is not recommended to say "The angels took him" without explaining what I said above. To simply say that a child may ask when are the angels going to take him to see his dad.
Another answer is "He went with God". He may ask "When is God sending him back?". Nothing wrong with that answer if it is with the explanation of what is death and that is permanent and that the loved one will not return.
I saw some very good films where children that were given honest answers had better chance to recover from that. They may still miss the loved one but they have a healthy way to recover with the proper care and emotional support than having to add lies to the situation. They are actually shortchanged a step in the grieving process as it happened to you. Take care.
If you are Christian, you tell your children about life, the purpose of life, and that death is like a door leading to another state, an afterlife, heaven.
If you are not, you just tell them that it's just lights out, the dad got cremated or buried and it's all over for him.
After John Ritter suddenly died, I saw his widow Amy tell a story about how their young daughter was standing on her bed with her arms stretched to the ceiling yelling "Drop him, Drop him right now". She had been told the angels took her father to heaven. I cried to think how confused this child must have been. How can a young child understand the concept of angels and heaven? even if the family is religious?
DH's mother was killed in auto accident when our kids were little. We had no chice but to take them with us several states away for funeral and estate matters. We tried to be as honest as possible without scaring them.
Several weeks later I heard our 4 year old daughter playing with a friend in her room. "Let's play dead in a car crash" I heard her say and so they did. I thought it was perfectly normal for them to deal with this situation by playing the different roles they had seen.
^We told our kids (one was kindergarten age) that grandpa's body had gotten very sick and had died but his soul - the part that made grandpa, "grandpa" was up in heaven with God. When they saw their grandpa's body at the funeral home, they could clearly see that grandpa was no longer there with us. They cried, we all cried and grieved together.
We also told them that grandpa is now an angel and he will look over them from heaven as they go through life. Whenever they think of him, he will also think of them.
(Note: We had been talking with our kids about God, souls, Heaven and religion in general from an early age - so these were not new ideas for them.)
Last edited by springfieldva; 02-02-2012 at 07:37 AM..
I think it's important to tell the truth...children that are younger may not need to know details, but they do deserve to know when a loved one has died...I've never wanted to see anyones dead body (viewing) simply because I prefer to remember them when they were alive....and I highly doubt that I would ever let my children view the deceased....but I would absolutely take them to the funeral(unless they're very young) as I believe dealing with the death of loved ones IS an unavoidable part of life
I think it's important to tell the truth...children that are younger may not need to know details, but they do deserve to know when a loved one has died...I've never wanted to see anyones dead body (viewing) simply because I prefer to remember them when they were alive....and I highly doubt that I would ever let my children view the deceased....but I would absolutely take them to the funeral(unless they're very young) as I believe dealing with the death of loved ones IS an unavoidable part of life
What is that young one ask how he or she died? What would you reply? Take care.
I forget exactly the right words - but hospice had a ton of information and recommended children books when my Mom was ill. We bought them all.
She died when my son was 6; he knew she was very sick but did not see her at the very end - per her wishes. They were close because she spent so much time with him. He knew that she 'died' but I can't remember exactly how we explained it. There were many questions; I remember being told - never say that she 'went to sleep' because then the children will be afraid to sleep.
We took him to the viewing. I didn't want him to go to the funeral - mainly because I wanted a chance to grieve and really didn't want him to see me like that. He was fine at the viewing - mainly it was more upbeat than the funeral. Family arriving ~ people talking, laughing, and remembering. A family at the apartment building where my Mom lived - arrived with their young son in tow; he was a friend of my son's. I was surprised that she brought him but she said she wanted her son to pay his respects. Really, he seemed ok with it and they were both very gracious. I personally was very aware of death and funeral homes from a young age due to lots of older, extended family and I don't remember having a problem with it.
The funeral itself was much harder. Of course the babysitter was late and I couldn't be late to my mother's own funeral (I can hear it now) so my son ended up going. Which I regret. At the gravesite, I couldn't stop crying and he was sitting on my lap with his arms around my neck as tight as they could be. Several of my friends and family tried to get him to go with them - but he wouldn't let go of me. I really wish the babysitter would have shown up.
I forget exactly the right words - but hospice had a ton of information and recommended children books when my Mom was ill. We bought them all.
She died when my son was 6; he knew she was very sick but did not see her at the very end - per her wishes. They were close because she spent so much time with him. He knew that she 'died' but I can't remember exactly how we explained it. There were many questions; I remember being told - never say that she 'went to sleep' because then the children will be afraid to sleep.
We took him to the viewing. I didn't want him to go to the funeral - mainly because I wanted a chance to grieve and really didn't want him to see me like that. He was fine at the viewing - mainly it was more upbeat than the funeral. Family arriving ~ people talking, laughing, and remembering. A family at the apartment building where my Mom lived - arrived with their young son in tow; he was a friend of my son's. I was surprised that she brought him but she said she wanted her son to pay his respects. Really, he seemed ok with it and they were both very gracious. I personally was very aware of death and funeral homes from a young age due to lots of older, extended family and I don't remember having a problem with it.
The funeral itself was much harder. Of course the babysitter was late and I couldn't be late to my mother's own funeral (I can hear it now) so my son ended up going. Which I regret. At the gravesite, I couldn't stop crying and he was sitting on my lap with his arms around my neck as tight as they could be. Several of my friends and family tried to get him to go with them - but he wouldn't let go of me. I really wish the babysitter would have shown up.
Thanks for sharing. I do not know what is the long term outcome but I get the feeling that your son being with you and hugging you must have helped in some ways. I think you and your son later in life may remember a close and bonding moment you shared. I have to think that that moment was something you both cherish in some ways even though it was a grieving moment. Do you care to share that?
I appreciate any experiences people may share because pretty soon I will be volunteering with this organization in helping children and families.
Last week we had a tour of a funeral home and some children that lost a close loved one and did not get a chance to attend the viewing or the funeral attended. They seemed to appreciate covering part of the grieving process even though it was not during the actual event. Take care.
Thanks for sharing. I do not know what is the long term outcome but I get the feeling that your son being with you and hugging you must have helped in some ways. I think you and your son later in life may remember a close and bonding moment you shared. I have to think that that moment was something you both cherish in some ways even though it was a grieving moment. Do you care to share that?
I appreciate any experiences people may share because pretty soon I will be volunteering with this organization in helping children and families.
Last week we had a tour of a funeral home and some children that lost a close loved one and did not get a chance to attend the viewing or the funeral attended. They seemed to appreciate covering part of the grieving process even though it was not during the actual event. Take care.
I don't know what he will remember of it. But I get tears in my eyes today just thinking about how tight his little arms went around my neck while people tried to pry him off, his face buried in my neck. At a much too young age ~ he was trying to help his mama. I will never forget it. I worry that it put too much burden on him - to take care of me - that day.
One day soon I will ask him if he remembers and let you know what he says.
Yes, I will always cherish that moment though it seems strange to say it.
I don't know what he will remember of it. But I get tears in my eyes today just thinking about how tight his little arms went around my neck while people tried to pry him off, his face buried in my neck. At a much too young age ~ he was trying to help his mama. I will never forget it. I worry that it put too much burden on him - to take care of me - that day.
One day soon I will ask him if he remembers and let you know what he says.
Yes, I will always cherish that moment though it seems strange to say it.
Thanks for the reply. I do appreciate it very much. Take care.
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