Children's grieving the death of a loved one

[MsAnnThrope]

Originally Posted by VelcroQueen

Not my own death, except in my final statement: "I struggle, I pull, I even defy death with anger."

You seem to have a more healthy (?) attitude toward death -- one that accepted it as an expected part of life.

I lost my first boyfriend to a drunk driver and grieved him until letting go after my first husband's passing. In my family, we were taught not to grieve death.

1. I was not allowed to go to my first boyfriend's funeral, while everyone else in the family went.
2. I was taught from childhood not to grieve as others do -- the misuse of a biblical verse.
3. Then when my first husband was killed, I had several struggles with Mother's inappropriate behavior toward my daughter's grieving her father's death as well as toward his parents' at the graveside.

I saw death through a child's eyes as a child and through my children's eyes when their father died. None of us were able to accept it as well as you did.

That is very interesting...how different it was for us.

I remember CLEARLY the events surrounding my grandma's death, and I was standing by when we got the phone call. The worst part of the entire process for me was when I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I remember my mum answering the phone, begin crying, and my Dad coming and taking the phone off her and hugging her while he spoke.

THAT was scary because I knew something bad had happened but I didn't know what it was.

I was then told straight away. I don't remember crying or being upset. I remember being quite impressed at the glamorous way she passed - on holiday, on her own, in a glamourous old castle that was converted into a hotel...massive heart attack.

I also think I had a very strong connection to my grandma and maybe knew at some deep level that she had already passed, and that she wasn't gone if I kept her alive.

No one would have behaved badly at the funeral, probably because my mother was an only child lol. Also, we were not a religious family so I had no idea about the heaven/hell concept. There would have been a funeral director not a priest or pastor running the service so it all would have been quite seemly, almost like a day out if I remember rightly...and I still remember how pretty the flowers were.

To this day, I don't fear death. I never think about it. I avoid funerals like the plague as well, unless they are someone I love I honestly feel no need to go. I just prefer to remember the person as I knew them. ( this wouldn't apply if it was a loved one, of which there are few).

Why weren't you allowed to grieve?

[VelcroQueen]

Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope

Why weren't you allowed to grieve?

With my first boyfriend, I think my parents (really, it would have been Mother; Father made few decisions) thought they were doing what was right for me. Being so little, I don't think they knew how deep my relationship with Joey was. Most of us don't think children that young are capable of deep feelings for the opposite gender. I know they are. I think Mother was trying to protect me by leaving me at home. it didn't work. I only stuffed my grief deep inside, but when my first husband's passing had run a certain length, all the frustrated grief for Joey exploded.

The bottom line for this was that they liked to quote a Scripture that said that WE (the HOLY, the Perfected, the Righteous, the few) do not grieve as do others (the unholy, the unrighteous, the common). We are Special, Called Out. This was actually said with a tilt of the head, pride.

At least that was and remains my persepctive.

[Diskothek]

When I was 5 my sister (aged 4) died and I remember clear as day my mom telling me she had died the next day. I think thats the best way to go about it. I did see a child psychologist for a bit afterwards to help deal with my emotions which I think helped.

Trying to sugarcoat it just because you're trying to convey death to a child could just lead to resentment when they get older, I feel. And in my case my sister was sick her entire life with a rare terminal illness. I had never thought she was going to die, I just thought thats how life was for us. One thing my mom said she regretted was not preparing me for the inevitable. I remember my mom saying she "didn't have any boo-boo's anymore" which was eventually comforting after having time to take in the fact she wouldn't be there anymore.

I didn't go to the funeral but I did attend her wake.

[VelcroQueen]

Oh, how hard it must have been to lose a sibling. i am sorry, Diskothek.

[Chava61]

Originally Posted by elamigo

I joined a an organization that is focused on helping children dealing with the death of a loved one.

I had to take a class on how to help them in group sessions by facilitating. One of the cornerstones of the program is that the children need to be told the loved one died and why however cruel that may sound.
The concept is that it is better to let them know and help them deal with their grief right away instead of slowing the grieving process.

Some parents do not tell the kids right away with the intent of avoiding pain.

Others may not take the kids to the funeral.

Also, the program guidelines are that instead of telling them a loved one is with God now is better to say the loved one died, plain and simple. If the child ask how the loved one died to say because he/she took his life if that was the case.


What do you think?
What are your opinions on how to handle a situation like this?

My biological mother died a few weeks before my 6th birthday. I was living at that time already with my father and my stepmother who became my mother de facto. My father told me of my biological mother's death although I don't remember the conversation exactly. My stepmother told that I came to her and asked her to tell everyone that I came from her tummy (as she was pregnant at that time). What I do remember was that I wanted as I become older to be able to visit my biological mother's grave as my family lived very far away at that time.

My point is that one needs to tell the child the truth about the death of a loved one and answer any questions the child might have and let the child express whatever concerns s/he might have about how the death may effect them.