Death of a Spouse-Your Experience

[Keeper]

We were together 20 years when he passed away at 52. He like others went to bed and 3 hours later I awoke to find him not breathing.

For me the hardest part has been not having anyone to share the little things with of every day life. It has been 9 years and I still miss him but as others have stated it does get easier but if you love someone they never leave you. I then was offered early retirement which meant I not only lost my DH but also the job I loved. I was one of those who hated to go home after work, then I had no work.

I moved after 2 years to a new state, new city. It was a good move for me, I have made friends and am doing things I have always wanted to do. I work in animal rescue and I love it.

The advice of a handyman is a good one.

[tngirl205]

I have tried to start this reply several times, then backed off. I think writing a few thoughts might help me. These will be random thoughts as they come to me.

It has just been four short weeks since my husband of 32 years died in his sleep. He had been suffering with COPD and severe emphysema for the last 5 years. While I thought I had prepared myself for this time, I am finding that I am feeling emotions that I never thought I would. I was his sole caregiver. I worked a part-time job so I could be home earlier in the day with him. He had many needs and was always calling to me for something. I never complained, as I did it all out of love. He knew that and always told me how much he appreciated me. Now.....the house is quiet. I am no longer that caregiver and I feel...lost. I look and listen for him, and sometimes I can hear him calling me. My 2 dogs and 2 cats are a comfort to me, but they as well (especially the dogs) go into his room looking for him. They used to go into his bedroom and tell him "goodnight" before they went out for the last time at night. They still pause and look into his room.

I am going to seek some counseling for this grieving process. My neighbor has invited me to go to their church (Lutheran-Missouri Synod). It's a small country church; the pastor has already called to meet me. Coincidentally, I grew up in the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod. So I think I will go so I can feel like I belong. I so hope that I like it. It has been years since I have gone to church. My employer offers counseling to employees, I'm going to look into that as well.

I continue to work part-time so I can have health insurance. Everyone at work is loving and supportive. But when I come home in the afternoons, it's to a very quiet house.

When I go to the grocery store, it is a different experience. Where I once planned our meals (DH loved to eat and had a good appetite) and loved to cook for us, now I look for something easy to fix. Going to the grocery store, now, is painful.

And of course, I think... do I stay here or move? They say you shouldn't make any major decisions at least one year after the loss of a spouse. I am content here, yet my mind now wanders off to....down the road, how will my health be? Will I still be able to live alone...or want to? I know there have been many discussions in this forum on that subject. I am not trying to rush anything.

But my whole world has turned upside down and I'm trying to make my way alone. Thank you all for your posts on this subject, I do find some comfort in your words.

[beeden]

You are not alone, there are so many others out there feeling exactly the way you are... cry when you need to cry, take it slow... rent or go to a funny movie, it's good to laugh too.. when you are ready, reach out to the world and help others..it will give you strength. You will be amaized at how strong you really are

[Ohiogirl81]

No fun being a member of this little club. I've been widowed for only six months (six months today, actually); we were only together for 10 years. He was 49.

I feel like I'm always floundering. His family is detached and unsupportive and mine lives 400+ miles away. I moved here to be with him, and most of my friends are 400+ miles away. I think about how I can't stand to be away from friends and family another moment, but then I think about not being here, near the places we enjoyed together, and wonder how I could stand that.

I don't want to go to work because I don't feel like getting out of bed, but then I don't want to come home from work because the house is empty. I don't feel like cleaning the house or cook, because why bother. Of course this is ridiculous because I was single longer than I was not, and I was perfectly fine back then.

I probably should seek out some sort of bereavement counseling and/or support. The hospice we used I wouldn't contact if it were the last on earth (that's fodder for another thread and yes there are bad hospices), so I need to look elsewhere. But where ... ?

[trobesmom]

Hello everyone. I am so sorry for all of your losses. I cannot imagine losing my soul mate. We are in our mid-50s, and have been together since we were teens. Living without him is the worst thing that I can imagine.

I have found a site, though, that may provide some comfort to many of you. It's called Well Spouse. It's a site about people who are dealing with illness of their spouses or significant others. I have never come across a more caring group of people. There is even a section in there for those who have lost their spouses. I'd like to recommend you go there, and tell your story to these wonderful folks. I think you will find a lot of support and comfort there.

[Keeper]

I am so sorry for your loss TNgirl205 and Ohiogirl81. Those of us who have been there know your pain.

Right after I loss my DH, I went to hospice and it didn't work for me as there were ppl there who were still grieving after 10 years. I didn't want to be in that place.

I went to this website Home Page - GROWW - Grief Recovery Online

There are several different groups and it is live chat. I use to go to the general forum. There are moderators who make sure no one is harassed or taken advantage of by anyone.
They helped me sooo much. You can post your thoughts and feelings and no one is going to chastise you or tell you to get over it, move on, etc.

Several of us have tried to get a grief forum here but so far we have not succeeded.

Please know our hearts are with you. I know the pain, the loneliness and the heartbreak loosing the one you love is not easy. Feel free to contact me or to post here if you just need to talk

[VistaCat]

Each story of loss that I read here is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a spouse after so many years, especially later on in life. I'm so sorry for each and every one of you.

I had a slightly different situation. I was widowed at age 30. We were married just short of 5 years when my late husband passed away from a brain tumor. For 2 1/2 years, he battled this beast and so we were only married for 2 1/2 years. We hardly knew each other. At 27, I became his caretaker while holding down a full-time job, primarily to keep the insurance for him. During the time he was sick, we was not himself, due to the brain tumor and chemo affecting his personality. He became child-like. I wondered if our lives were going to go on like this for decades. Several people told me I should leave him and I couldn't believe how cruel and selfish people are in how they think. The HR Director at my job actually did just that, left her husband who came down with MS because he came down with MS and didn't feel like dealing with it. Of course I stayed until the end. In sickness and in health were in our vows, although I didn't think this would be relevant quite that soon.

When it was over, I had just turned 30. The support groups were full of people more than twice my age. My thinking was that others had it worse, how can you be with someone for 20, 30, 50 years and then lose them???? I hardly knew my first husband. Although I grieved for him, it was less about missing him as a person (although of course I did), but more about that he died so young in such a cruel way, and didn't get to experience all that life had to offer. I grieved for his lost potential.

[sera]

Thank each of you for sharing your experience, it has given me comfort. Appreciate too websites that might be useful.

Trying to let go of my own sentimental paper stuff, so my children do not have to go through it, not buying wants, keeping in touch with others and others reaching out to me, hearing their lives, listening to them.

Probably I too am rambling, just appreciate all the Posts, your care. Thank you again.

[Keeper]

It is a hard to loose anyone you love. We are all different in how we grieve and for how long. The best advice I got was to not do anything for at least the first year, like selling house, moving etc. Believe me even if you move your heart takes them with you to a new house/apt.
There are 2 books I think are very good. 'The Grief Recovery handbook' and 'I wasn't ready to say Goodbye' I think the Grief Recovery is good to keep from forgetting all the things that were not so good. I know I needed that, while things were wonderful for us before he passed away, it wasn't always that way.

[Marcy1210]

My husband died suddenly of a heart attack at home six days before his 60th birthday, but I was out of state when it happened. I so regret that. We had been married 35 years. I had to make some major decisions in the first six months, and I wish I could have waited. I had no choice but to sell the house, as we had a snowbird condo that was 1/2 the cost to maintain, was near all the amenities, and was a manageable size. I had to either sell, donate or store 80% of our belongings. I had huge financial decisions to make, close down his business and sell it, and make other life altering decisions right away. But, 2 1/2 years later, I'm okay living here. I miss our home desperately, but I couldn't have kept it. It was very rural, isolated, and too big for just me. I have donor's remorse for some of the things I had to give away or give as an early inheritance to the kids. I haven't yet been able to take off my wedding rings, and his toiletries are where he left them, as are his clothes. I even brought his clothes from our other home thinking I could take my time and part with them when I was ready. I'm still not ready. I went to grief counseling, but it kept me locked in a sort of suspended animation, so I left. I've become active in my community and I've made friends, but like others have said, I miss the every day chit chat while fixing dinner, miss having someone to talk to, to share things with, to be with. It's lonely at night, or during the day when I'm not busy. I'm okay living alone, but this is not a club I ever wanted to join. I don't have any family nearby as my kids are married with kids, busy and scattered across the country, so I don't see them much at all. I know it gets easier, and it has, but I still miss him more than I can say. I'm still deeply in love with him.