Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I lost my husband of 15 years 1 month ago. He was only 51 and we should have had many more years together. We had so many plans that we'll never get to do. He was my best friend and we did everything together. Sometimes the pain of being without him is unbearable. It helps to hear from others who have bee through it that it won't always be this bad. Neither of us has much family and what I have is far away, so without him it feels like I'm all alone. We never were able to have kids so it's just me here with the cats. I miss him every minute and I can't imagine ever wanting to be with someone else.
Love, linger not at this, the home
In which you've laid me down to rest.
Don't weep or scuff the fresh new soil
That presses lightly on my breast.
The heart that danced in time with yours
No longer strains or clings to life.
The pain that tore us both apart
No more can harm your faithful wife.
Come, touch the stone that speaks my name;
Don't curse the fates that put me here.
The day has passed for fault and blame;
It was my time to leave you, dear.
But, though this grave, now hoe-blade new,
Will, in good time, be overgrown,
My spirit's warmth will follow you,
And see that you are not alone.
One day, I know you'll join me here,
And take my hand in yours once more.
Together, we'll go toward the Light
And knock, as one, on Heaven's door.
Now, tuck your sorrow far from sight
And kiss the children tenderly.
I'll slumber, dreamless, in the night,
Until, at last, you come for me.
Incredibly, stunningly beautiful. This is the first rhyming poem I have read that speaks to me, that is beautiful, that really speaks clearly and easily. Normally, for me, rhyming poetry is contrived, over-worked; this is so good. Thank you for sharing it.
I am just smiling as I read through the experiences of people who have gone far in marriage. Wow, you guys are really strong.
It is not easy dealing with the loss of a spouse but there are things you can do to curb the pain and help you move on faster.
Dear Sera, you have done wonderfully well. Most people will not even like to talk about it but I believe it helps to share how you feel and be healed as you listen to others who have been through what you are going through if not worse. I have been able to help some people to go through the moments with a prayer and points from a book - Model Marriage by Dag Heward-Mills. Moderator cut: quotes from books are not allowed as they are copyrighted
I wish you well and pray for you that you will find joy moving on without your spouse. I really admire you.
For those of us have walked in your shoes. It is never easy and we each deal with our grief differently. We all do need to move on but in our own way. What works for you might not work for me.
My late wife died suddenly, without any real warning, 16 years ago last Friday when a blood vessel burst in her brain. She had gone upstairs to take a bath, as was her custom, before we both went to bed. I heard her moan. I thought the cats had done something and ignored it. A few minutes later I heard another moan. This time the dog jumped off my lap and we both went running upstairs to check on her. I saw her and screamed her name. She was gone.
I performed CPR as best as I could in between calling 911, running downstairs to turn on the outside light, etc. The ambulance arrived in minutes and was able to get a pulse, but it was all for naught. Technically she was alive, but hours later the doctor told me there was no brain function. Meanwhile I had called her daughters and told them I thought they should come. I hadn't yet accepted her death and refused to until the doctor told me there was no hope.
A couple days later her daughters and I were looking on her computer for some of her poems that could be read at her funeral. We came across this one. I was stunned. So were they. I later learned that she'd written it for an on-line friend who had lost his wife. She had a knack for understanding how others felt. I also think she'd have written much the same thing for me if she'd known she was leaving. Maybe some of you will enjoy it.
To Comfort You
By Sandi Schmidt (D)
Love, linger not at this, the home
In which you've laid me down to rest.
Don't weep or scuff the fresh new soil
That presses lightly on my breast.
The heart that danced in time with yours
No longer strains or clings to life.
The pain that tore us both apart
No more can harm your faithful wife.
Come, touch the stone that speaks my name;
Don't curse the fates that put me here.
The day has passed for fault and blame;
It was my time to leave you, dear.
But, though this grave, now hoe-blade new,
Will, in good time, be overgrown,
My spirit's warmth will follow you,
And see that you are not alone.
One day, I know you'll join me here,
And take my hand in yours once more.
Together, we'll go toward the Light
And knock, as one, on Heaven's door.
Now, tuck your sorrow far from sight
And kiss the children tenderly.
I'll slumber, dreamless, in the night,
Until, at last, you come for me.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem.
Last edited by yellowsnow; 05-31-2012 at 05:06 PM..
Reason: spelling....
I lost my husband of 15 years 1 month ago. He was only 51 and we should have had many more years together. We had so many plans that we'll never get to do. He was my best friend and we did everything together. Sometimes the pain of being without him is unbearable. It helps to hear from others who have bee through it that it won't always be this bad. Neither of us has much family and what I have is far away, so without him it feels like I'm all alone. We never were able to have kids so it's just me here with the cats. I miss him every minute and I can't imagine ever wanting to be with someone else.
txyankee65, I am so so sorry for your loss. We have so much in common, as I lost my husband of 32 years just 2 months ago. My family is far away, too. I am trying to deal with just one day at a time, for now. The pain is so fresh and raw, yet I put on my face and go to work everyday. Today I broke down at work crying, I don't really remember what triggered it. I finally composed myself. They say that is good to let it out, so if you feel like that also, don't let anyone stop you.
I don't know if your husband's death was unexpected; mine had been suffering for 5+ years and so, it was truly a blessing that he is no longer suffering. That gives me some comfort, but does not change the total loss I feel every minute of every day.
I am glad there is this forum now so we can reach out to hopefully help each other while we are trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives.
lost my husband unexpectly at 30 (30 years ago). I lost my ability to dream, to think creatively about things I wanted in the future. I guess I lost my belief in the future. I'm remarried; but, unfairly to my "new" husband, that ability to dream is gone.
txyankee65, I am so so sorry for your loss. We have so much in common, as I lost my husband of 32 years just 2 months ago. My family is far away, too. I am trying to deal with just one day at a time, for now. The pain is so fresh and raw, yet I put on my face and go to work everyday. Today I broke down at work crying, I don't really remember what triggered it. I finally composed myself. They say that is good to let it out, so if you feel like that also, don't let anyone stop you.
I don't know if your husband's death was unexpected; mine had been suffering for 5+ years and so, it was truly a blessing that he is no longer suffering. That gives me some comfort, but does not change the total loss I feel every minute of every day.
I am glad there is this forum now so we can reach out to hopefully help each other while we are trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives.
Sorry you're going through this too. My husband's death was sudden. He had shortness of breath, went to the doctor where they discovered heart failure and fluid in his lungs, went to the hospital where they told him he needed bypass surgery and he didn't survive the surgery. He was gone within a week. It was a shock. I not only lost him but I lost all our plans for the future and everything we had been looking forward to. I've been back to work and they've been very understanding. I work at home, so I can take breaks if I need to. I just feel so empty and lost without him.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,571,496 times
Reputation: 8044
Quote:
Originally Posted by tngirl205 txyankee65, I am so so sorry for your loss. We have so much in common, as I lost my husband of 32 years just 2 months ago. My family is far away, too. I am trying to deal with just one day at a time, for now. The pain is so fresh and raw, yet I put on my face and go to work everyday. Today I broke down at work crying, I don't really remember what triggered it. I finally composed myself. They say that is good to let it out, so if you feel like that also, don't let anyone stop you.
I don't know if your husband's death was unexpected; mine had been suffering for 5+ years and so, it was truly a blessing that he is no longer suffering. That gives me some comfort, but does not change the total loss I feel every minute of every day.
I am glad there is this forum now so we can reach out to hopefully help each other while we are trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives.
Sorry you're going through this too. My husband's death was sudden. He had shortness of breath, went to the doctor where they discovered heart failure and fluid in his lungs, went to the hospital where they told him he needed bypass surgery and he didn't survive the surgery. He was gone within a week. It was a shock. I not only lost him but I lost all our plans for the future and everything we had been looking forward to. I've been back to work and they've been very understanding. I work at home, so I can take breaks if I need to. I just feel so empty and lost without him.
Both of you are just starting on your journey of loss, and are probably still numb and in shock. You will be for a long time. There will be times when you go a while without crying, and wonder if something's wrong with you. At other times, every little thing will reduce you to tears and you'll wonder if something's wrong with you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There will be times when you are so overwhelmed with grief, you'll wonder if you can go on. Other times, you'll feel guilty for not feeling grief. The one thing that will help is to know you're not alone. For most people, a grief support group is a lifeline. These can be found through community mental health organizations, through churches or synagogues, or sometimes, hospice organizations offer them. One book I received as a gift from a good friend was "Widow to Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsberg. Dr. Ginsberg is from Tucson (where I live), but she passed away many, many years ago at age 93, I believe. The book is somewhat dated, but her observations and her perspective were really helpful to me. Some sections didn't apply, but in general, it was a book I went back to almost daily. I have had other books over the years, but that was my Bible. Another book about loss, not just spouses, is "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye", by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. There is a section on spouses, but it covers parents, children and other loved ones. It goes into more of the mechanics of grief and the day to day living one has to do. I really love this one, as well.
It will get easier, but the timeframe is different for everyone. Some women can't fathom meeting someone new even 10 years later, while others will remarry within a year or two. It's a very personal journey and only you can know what will work best for you. It's a huge learning curve. You'll come out on the other side, wiser and older, but still missing a piece of yourself. In the end, you'll be fine.
I've lost two. The first I had been married to for 25 yrs when we divorced. Hadn't seen him in ten years till just before he died. He looked 20 yrs older than he was and I hardly recognized him he'd been in declining health that whole time. We were married very young and went through a lot together. It was tough on the kids.
The second was the love of my life. There is no way I could find another like him though it only lasted a few years. I feel blessed to have experienced that at all. His death was unexpected and sudden. I am now with a companion. It is far from perfect though we do enjoy doing many of the same things his fundamental values differ from mine. My kids encourage it as they worry about me being alone in old age.
I am not a stranger to death as it started with my six yr old playmate who passed over from cancer. All of my gay male friends who I was close to are also gone as are my cousin, all my aunts and uncles, and both my parents. The fog I found affected me only when my eighteen year old brother-in-law was killed in a car accident, and when my life changed so dramatically after the divorce. Since then I have adopted an attitude of knowing they are all on the other side, and been contacted by some; a temporary separation you might say. It isn't easy being left behind but I like to think there is some reason, maybe some work I need to do while still here, a difference I will make in someone's life. I wish all of you strength in adapting.
Last edited by Sgoldie; 06-01-2012 at 03:31 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
