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Everyone is different. But when my husband's 4 year old son died, he needed people around. The people who remembered the good things in his son's short life. When he needed to be alone, he went outside. He still does when it becomes overwhelming for him. The pain hasn't lessened.
I don't imagine it ever can.
Where my sister lives in the Poconos, there is a small graveyard in the woods next to the property. I walk through there sometimes when I am visiting. One time just a few years ago, I noticed a gravestone with a little lamb on top, and walked over to look. It was the grave of a baby who had apparently lived only a few months, born and died in 1966. And on that grave were fresh flowers.
check out the old Irish way of how it was done.. I remember my granny tellilng stories of wakes when she was young.. not for me Im afraid. An "Irish Wake"
My husband did NOT WANT a wake or a funeral. I followed his wishes. He made SURE I understood that. I had gone against my Dad's wishes and had a wake....for me. I needed the wake. I needed the consolation of family, friends and co-workers. Hubby was ADAMENT that I not do that to him, so I PROMISED him that I would do things his way and I did even though it was contrare to everything I've known.
I have a good friend who is in a similar position with her elderly, ill parents. Neither want a funeral ceremony of any sort nor a memorial service. They have made this clear over the years, and now that their time is clearly rapidly approaching they have given a stern lecture to each of their married daughters reiterating their wishes.
This will be especially difficult for my friend as she creates little impromptu rituals for the loss of everything, and she does not suffer having these celebrations made light of by anyone in her family. She lives in a different country from her parents, and it seems to me maybe that gives her a way to keep her promise and still do what I'm sure she will want to do - have some kind ritual or ceremony. If she does what her parents want, which is nothing; and then when she returns to her own country has a little informal ceremony with herself and her kids at home....that seems to me not to be a transgression against her parents' wishes.
I myself want only the simplest dispersal of my ashes, but I think that family and friends really need some kind of formal "marker" of their loss.
When my favorite aunt died, I was travelling, and did not even find out that she had died until after the funeral. She was most firmly not a Christian believer and made no bones about it. She had made her wishes known that when she died she simply wanted to be buried next to her husband without ceremony. However, when she died a cousin staged a full dress religious funeral and burial for her. I felt that this was a true slap in the face to my Aunt.
Tuesday is the day my hubby will finally be laid to rest. Well, not laid to rest, his ashes are going into a niche at the National Cemetary down the Cape. Mom and Dad were buried but I don't want hubby under the ground. No pomp, no fuss. He didn't even want an Honor Guard so I'm just going to quietly sit with him for awhile. I'll be getting the Flag and will clutch that as I sit.
Come August 25th, that would have been our 12th anniversary and I'm going to sprinkle some of his ashes into the Cape Cod Canal were he spent so many hours/days/years fishing.
I posted about this in another thread about how we went to a funeral and I made the mistake of asking some family members about where the wake and after party were ? My husband and I got such a look and it was not a nice one .
One of the Brother in laws of the deceased said Nope no party no nothing we leave and go home after they are buried end of story . We were also told that we were out of line for asking about the party . We frankly never went to a funeral
without a luncheon or party afterwards . My husband said next time we got to a funeral we wont say anything to anyone but hi and bye and sorry for your loss and then we go home .
Nearly every funeral I have attended there was a gathering in the church basement after the service/burial for a meal.
However, to refer to it as a.....party......would have been offensive to many.
The meal is the time to chat with relatives who one has not seen in a long time also.
Nearly everyone leaving the gathering stops one last time at the table of the next of kin to say their goodbye to them before departing.
I don't know why the idea of a meal after a funeral would automatically mean it was a ....."party "
My uncle is currently in hospice and not expected to live more than a few more days. A brilliant man who led an interesting life as a Catholic priest and then as a practicing Buddhist with a PhD in world religion. His is a death I will truly mourn - such an accepting soul. He is 80 years old, and I know it's just time - but he seems to be dying a very insulting death of colon cancer. So ugly.
His wishes were to be cremated, with only a graveside service, and then have a gathering of the ones who showed to the graveside at a local watering hole. My aunt is having a difficult time dealing with that - she's okay on the cremation but wanted the full funeral...her children have finally convinced her this is the last thing she can "do" for her husband (she's a do-er, as is the whole family).
So within the next week we will have a small graveside service where the minister, a Protestant preacher brother-in-law, has 5 minutes (per uncle's instructions) to say everything he has to say...others will be granted a short opportunity to speak...the only music will be his request, an a capella version of Blowin' In the Wind - and then we will go to a hole-in-the-wall and make on final toast to FK. And I can't think of a more beautiful send-off for a beautiful soul. I think he will be pleased.
Almost everyone where I am from (Western Pennsylvania) have a get togethor after a funeral. We didn't have one for my Mom though because my Dad thought it was wrong and felt like a party. I wish we did. I think it would help. The day of the funeral your kind of numb and it is one more thing to keep your mind off things. There were a lot of people at the funeral I would have like to talk to find out what my Mom was like when she was younger etc..
So to answer your question you don't have to have one but its not unusual at all to have one. Don't worry about it feeling like a party none of the ones I ever went to had a festive atmosphere. Its not really overly sad either - They are just kind of somber.
When my favorite aunt died, I was travelling, and did not even find out that she had died until after the funeral. She was most firmly not a Christian believer and made no bones about it. She had made her wishes known that when she died she simply wanted to be buried next to her husband without ceremony. However, when she died a cousin staged a full dress religious funeral and burial for her. I felt that this was a true slap in the face to my Aunt.
I agree that the cousin was out of bounds. But had he/she arranged for a simple, low-key non-religious service, that would have been a lot more defensible, even though that, too, would have contravened the wishes of your aunt (just not as blatantly).
What is the purpose of this get together after a loved one passes? We did it for my Dad because my Mom wanted it. But now, most of her friends and relatives are gone and she will be passing fairly soon. I don't believe anyone will be traveling from out of town to attend the funeral. Although she has wanted some type of get together, I guess I will be the deciding one (only child). I just cannot see "celebrating" when a loved one passes. Your thoughts?
I feel the same way you do, but, i guess its a celebration of THEIR LIFE instead of their demise ; yet , ive seen it get pretty far out of hand at these kinds of celebratory gatherings where it turns into a social club atmosphere of games for the kids to play, alchohol flowing like water, and concentration on reunions after many years to those in attendence. Ive seen VERY few tears shed at such a gathering . I dont know...perhaps the deceased would have wanted it this way (?) . But to me, its rather inappropriate and if a gathering is going to be had afterward it should have the focus of sharing pictures of the deceased loved one, telling of stories that honor the deceased , and a support system for the closest family members . A party atmosphere can be had at a later time but not right after funeral services...its always struck me as sort of tacky and often disrespectful one the party gets underway.
The complete opposite to this is where professional (paid) Grievers are brought in to cry, weep, and wail to add to the 'ambience' and to get everyone into a severe state of sadness ; I hear Middle Eastern Countries are good at doing this. Sounds kinda cooky to me ..lol... Theres something wrong if people that cant express sincere sadness on their own accord for the loss of a dear person.
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