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Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Today would have been my 40th wedding anniversary. Even though our last anniversary together was our 37th, I still feel and empty hole. I know, this isn't new. We've been through 3 (soon to be 4) missed birthdays, 3 missed Father's Days, and now our 3rd missed anniversary, not to mention the Thanksgivings, Christmasses, Easters, and Halloweens.
I feel the anticipation of these special days slipping away as I am forgetting them as time goes on. I know in the not to near future, they'll be just another day, but now, they comfort me. Does anyone else celebrate anniversaries or birthdays that the spouse isn't there to celebrate with you?
Yesterday was International Widows Day. Did you know that? To observe the day, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation shared a widowed love story every hour. Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation That's their website. You can link to their facebook to see all the love stories. They were really beautiful.
The reason I bring it up, (other than the perfect timing of your post), is because your question made me think of Abigail Carter's story. She said they just celebrated their 21st anniversary, and next year their phantom marriage will have been as long as their alive one. So, yes Marcy, I'd say it's perfectly normal to "feel" those milestones. Honor those days any way you like. Take time to watch home movies or look at your wedding album. Call a few friends over for birthday cake and reminisce. Privately celebrate one year, maybe, and go somewhere the two of you loved. There might be years where the date he died overshadows his birthday. That's okay! You feel what you feel, and get through it your own way. If that means celebrating those special days, do it. If you don't, that's fine too.
Happy 40th, Marcy. 37 years is quite a long time to be loved and love back. Certainly worth celebrating Blessings.
My husband just passed away in January so I haven't been through all the holidays yet. But over a span of 10 days we had our two birthdays, one holiday and our anniversary date. I decided to pick a day in the middle and each year I'll take a pilgrimage to place that is near-by but was special to us and spend the afternoon. It's a tourist place but very peaceful and beautiful and life-reaffirming. I did it this year and was happy to have something positive to focus on. It will give me something in coming years to look forward to. Like alk4 said up above: our relationship was worth celebrating and on special dates I will try to focus on that rather than what I've lost
Hubby died in January also so haven't had a major biggy holiday either. What would have been our 12th anniversary is coming up in August and that's when I'm going to sprinkle his ashes into the Atlantic. After that I plan on just living every day as an ordinary day. I think of him every single day and don't want to be a masochist by "celebrating" what is no more. No offense to anyone, I just want to find my own "closure".
This coming up July 2nd would have been our 38th anniversary. I may not do anything but it will be in my thoughts. There's no way I could just forget about an occasion we celebrated for decades. Probably the first one will be the hardest.
My birthday was just a few days after H died. When I was going through his things, I found the card he had bought and there was a letter inside. I kept it. It was odd getting birthday wishes from someone who had passed away. I thought about him writing the letter and having no idea he wouldn't be here to give it to me.
This coming up July 2nd would have been our 38th anniversary. I may not do anything but it will be in my thoughts. There's no way I could just forget about an occasion we celebrated for decades. Probably the first one will be the hardest.
My birthday was just a few days after H died. When I was going through his things, I found the card he had bought and there was a letter inside. I kept it. It was odd getting birthday wishes from someone who had passed away. I thought about him writing the letter and having no idea he wouldn't be here to give it to me.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Dh died October 26, and his 60th would have been Nov. 3rd. I had come to Tucson Oct 23, to our snowbird condo, opened it up, bought his birthday gifts, decorations, cards, etc. The day he died I was wrapping his gifts, buying the fixings for his birthday dinner (he'd asked for Swedish Meatballs--his favorite) and looking forward to his arrival the next day. Last October, I forgot the 26th, and was focused instead on Nov. 3rd--what would have been his 62nd birthday...I bought him a card about "Across the Miles" and put it in his scrapbook that I've been making for the grandkids. They don't remember him.
My DH has been gone for 9 years. I don't dwell on those special days but you don't ever forget them. You may let the day slip up on you but you really don't forget. Our anniversary was Christmas Eve and truthfully the first few years were really hard, in fact I stopped putting up a tree because there was no one to share it with. I do however try to have a glass of Kahlua which we always had on that day
I'm still in the first-year process, although I honestly can't imagine not missing my husband on those special days in the years to come as well.
The holidays were difficult, even though I was with family. At Thanksgiving, we made our annual hand turkeys to honor him. I was such a basket case at Christmas -- my husband was an overgrown Christmas elf! LOL -- that I cringe when I think about it.
I invited myself to my sister's house for my birthday, because I knew I could get plenty of affection and attention from my niece and nephew. For his birthday, his brother and I split three bottles of wine and talked, laughed and cried; that's a tradition we just might want to continue.
He was big on the Fourth of July, so the picnics and fireworks will be difficult, and two days after that is my high school reunion, which will probably dredge up that lump in my throat. Another tough day will be Halloween -- two days after he died -- because he loved decorating the front yard for the kids.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Halloween has been my hardest Holiday each year. He died 5 days before Halloween 2009, and would have been 60 November 3rd. We always went all out for Halloween because of our kids; parties, decorating, pumpkin carving, everything for the kids, even the adult male kid. The Halloween decorations would still be up for his birthday. I had decorated here in AZ in anticipation of his being here....
That first year was bad. Halloween, his birthday, funeral the next day November 4, Thanksgiving, my birthday Dec 10, then Christmas were one big blur. I remember nothing. I know the kids went all out for me (they were scattered all over the world that year), but I only know that from pictures. Like Ohiogirl, I invited myself to my sister's for Christmas 2010. It was wonderful. Last year, I invited myself to my sister's again, but this time for Thanksgiving. I did Christmas alone. This year has been better. I got through Valentine's Day okay, our anniversary this past Saturday, and I'll be okay this winter as my youngest (23 year old son) has un-empty nested, which has been nice. I like the company, even though he's either at work or with his friends most of the time. It's nice to have someone to talk with at dinner, and to cook for on the nights he's around. Lean Cuisine was getting old. I know from other friends who are in varying stages of widowhood, that it gets tolerable. Maybe a little easier, but it never goes away completely.
My friend Barbara lost her husband 5 years ago. She said today, "Your anniversary will always be special because it was a day for just you two to celebrate your togetherness. Now, these anniversaries just remind you of your apartness. But they still celebrate the love and devotion you will always have for each other even though through death you did part."
Last edited by Marcy1210; 06-26-2012 at 01:37 AM..
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Blessings.
The Halloween decorations would still be up for his birthday. I had decorated here in AZ in anticipation of his being here....
