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It has been nine months now since my DH passed away. My journey has had its ups and downs and although I try to do all of the right things to keep me from going backwards, at times I take two steps forward and three steps backward.
I find I am not a social creature of any sorts. I can hold up in my house for a month at a time and not see anyone and although that is not healthy, it is what makes me feel safe.
I smashed the end of my collar bone 4 weeks ago. Nothing can be done for it but allow it to heal. I am taking lots of vitamins, eating healthy and drinking plenty of water.
I met a man but found out after several times being with him, he drinks more than I like and he is a chronic liar. Oh, I was so happy when I first met him, I felt giddy and happy but after I discovered both these traits about him, I did not know what to do. I talked to a few people and I was told to dump him. That is what I did. I don't know if he has a drinking problem or not but I feel he has one too many and that may be the result of his memory loss and his ability to tell the truth. I find I compare men to my husband. My husband was very intelligent but not boring. He was fun to be with and he was truthful and he had my back.
I have met several women who I thought could be my friends but there is a motive to the friendship. I much prefer to just be by myself and once my collar bone heals I will look for a job, that will take care of my social need.
My husband and I were best friends and when he died so I felt part of myself died. It feels as though if I find friendships, people want me to do things that I really am not interested in. I think perhaps I am not ready to be all that social. I really am unable to give part of myself to anyone.
I am waiting to become the person I use to be and I can't seem to find that person. Life is a struggle for me. The only pleasant feeling I have is the thought of joining my husband. I remember being friendly and joyous and happy and now I feel like the third wheel. I feel sad and depressed and I know it is my thoughts that create my feelings. My attempts to find friendships fail miserably. I am not able to give any part of myself to anyone. I feel vulnerable and weak. I feel tired, lonely, discouraged and I am awaiting for my old self to come back but I am lost somewhere. I will attempt to find employment in another month, once my collar bone heals and perhaps that will get me out of this funk and it will give me purpose in which I am lacking.
I don't know many people who are like me and have no family or friends. Allot of the distant friends I had given up on me because each time they talk to me, it seems like the same old story and I am not one to keep in contact with people.
You know there is a lady that lives around the corner from me and she lost her husband. He was her second husband so I have no idea how long they were married. He died and within a month she sold his truck, tractor, all of his belongings and when asked how she is doing, she responds, "fine". My husband's sister lost her husband last Oct and I was told she never talks about him. I really feel if you have family and friends, you are in a better position.
I am all by myself and so I feel that I have plenty of time to think and that can be dangerous for me.
I hope one day my situation will change and I can come here to this forum and share with you a completely changed person.
One positive note is the reality of losing my husband set in and I know he will never come back.
Hi smilin....I am glad that you posted how you are feeling. I totally understand. Even tho I am working and getting out, when I come home to my safe haven, I feel so alone. Sure, I have my dogs and cats and they are great company for me.....but life without Jim is just.....undescribably lonely.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his death. I have taken the day off from work, as I don't want to be the brunt of some April Fool's joke. I work with a lot of jokesters, for lack of a better word.
As I read your post, I thought of how much it describes my feelings. I wish you had some friends, and I hope that if you do get to go to work, that you will find some. Or when you least expect it, the perfect person might just enter your life. A friend.
I wish I had some words to comfort you/us. Some days I just go along ok, then hit a bump and go backwards. I hope that is normal. How else can it be? There was no handbook given to us when we lost our spouses, to show us what to expect, how to feel, how to go on living. It's a hit & miss, trial & error journey. We didn't choose to be here, but here we are anyway.
I get great comfort from being able to post here and get these thoughts and feelings out on "paper," and I think you feel the same way. I think it is good therapy to write down our feelings.
I am here for you if you need to vent or whatever. We have to get through this together. Keep posting smilin and let us know how you are doing.
It has been nine months now since my DH passed away. My journey has had its ups and downs and although I try to do all of the right things to keep me from going backwards, at times I take two steps forward and three steps backward.
I find I am not a social creature of any sorts. I can hold up in my house for a month at a time and not see anyone and although that is not healthy, it is what makes me feel safe.
I smashed the end of my collar bone 4 weeks ago. Nothing can be done for it but allow it to heal. I am taking lots of vitamins, eating healthy and drinking plenty of water.
I met a man but found out after several times being with him, he drinks more than I like and he is a chronic liar. Oh, I was so happy when I first met him, I felt giddy and happy but after I discovered both these traits about him, I did not know what to do. I talked to a few people and I was told to dump him. That is what I did. I don't know if he has a drinking problem or not but I feel he has one too many and that may be the result of his memory loss and his ability to tell the truth. I find I compare men to my husband. My husband was very intelligent but not boring. He was fun to be with and he was truthful and he had my back.
I have met several women who I thought could be my friends but there is a motive to the friendship. I much prefer to just be by myself and once my collar bone heals I will look for a job, that will take care of my social need.
My husband and I were best friends and when he died so I felt part of myself died. It feels as though if I find friendships, people want me to do things that I really am not interested in. I think perhaps I am not ready to be all that social. I really am unable to give part of myself to anyone.
I am waiting to become the person I use to be and I can't seem to find that person. Life is a struggle for me. The only pleasant feeling I have is the thought of joining my husband. I remember being friendly and joyous and happy and now I feel like the third wheel. I feel sad and depressed and I know it is my thoughts that create my feelings. My attempts to find friendships fail miserably. I am not able to give any part of myself to anyone. I feel vulnerable and weak. I feel tired, lonely, discouraged and I am awaiting for my old self to come back but I am lost somewhere. I will attempt to find employment in another month, once my collar bone heals and perhaps that will get me out of this funk and it will give me purpose in which I am lacking.
I don't know many people who are like me and have no family or friends. Allot of the distant friends I had given up on me because each time they talk to me, it seems like the same old story and I am not one to keep in contact with people.
You know there is a lady that lives around the corner from me and she lost her husband. He was her second husband so I have no idea how long they were married. He died and within a month she sold his truck, tractor, all of his belongings and when asked how she is doing, she responds, "fine". My husband's sister lost her husband last Oct and I was told she never talks about him. I really feel if you have family and friends, you are in a better position.
I am all by myself and so I feel that I have plenty of time to think and that can be dangerous for me.
I hope one day my situation will change and I can come here to this forum and share with you a completely changed person.
One positive note is the reality of losing my husband set in and I know he will never come back.
Thank you for listening.
Nameste
Smilin....the first word that came to my mind was vulnerable...and you did mention that. Maybe you should stay clear of men for awhile. Sorry about your injury. It must be terrible hard without friends and family. Looking forward to working is surely a plus. I wish I had a magic answer for you. We are stuck in a spot in time and it is not where we want to be. I miss my husband so much. I talk about him a lot. Like you he was my best friend.....43 years. One question....are you able to get to a grief share group. I am...it has helped alot. Please keep trying to smile.......open your heart and let go of the negative thoughts. I am not religious, but lately I have felt "different". We are all here for such a short time. Find some joy in your life...it is there somewhere. Hugs to you.
Hi smilin....I am glad that you posted how you are feeling. I totally understand. Even tho I am working and getting out, when I come home to my safe haven, I feel so alone. Sure, I have my dogs and cats and they are great company for me.....but life without Jim is just.....undescribably lonely.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his death. I have taken the day off from work, as I don't want to be the brunt of some April Fool's joke. I work with a lot of jokesters, for lack of a better word.
As I read your post, I thought of how much it describes my feelings. I wish you had some friends, and I hope that if you do get to go to work, that you will find some. Or when you least expect it, the perfect person might just enter your life. A friend.
I wish I had some words to comfort you/us. Some days I just go along ok, then hit a bump and go backwards. I hope that is normal. How else can it be? There was no handbook given to us when we lost our spouses, to show us what to expect, how to feel, how to go on living. It's a hit & miss, trial & error journey. We didn't choose to be here, but here we are anyway.
I get great comfort from being able to post here and get these thoughts and feelings out on "paper," and I think you feel the same way. I think it is good therapy to write down our feelings.
I am here for you if you need to vent or whatever. We have to get through this together. Keep posting smilin and let us know how you are doing.
tngirl
tngirl.....I forgot if I mentioned that I met another widow who lost her husband a year ago tomorrow. Now she has to deal with the death of his mother. She passed on Thursday. She is driving to Fla this week to take ashes of both to bury there. I have become so aware of the grief and pain that is out there. Where was I all these years with my head in the sand. Life is a ***** and then you die...used to laugh at that, but when it hits home it is reality. Please take care and get through tomorrow as best you can. Just know there are so many of....pain is there and we will get thru it.
I thank each and everyone of you who responded. Thank you kindly. I am just having a rough time of it right now and each one of you placed a spark in my life.
I am also sorry you are going through a rough time. I can't say I know what it is like about losing a spouse. I did break my collar bone a couple of years ago. It was painful for a bit. I needed physical therapy. That was very painful. But it worked! Try to get your shoulder moving a bit. Mine spent too much time in a sling. Healed well though.
And 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. This is normal, so don't feel bad. You will have some days where you go forward 4 steps, then fall back only two! Change is hard to deal with. But we get better because what other choice do we have? And it's only been 9 months. I don't think dating for me would be good after 9 months, but everyone is different. I am in no position to tell you what to do.
Stay close to this board. I think these are the nicest people of all the city data fourms. Sometimes I come here just to see the outpouring from posters who really do care.
And 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. This is normal, so don't feel bad. You will have some days where you go forward 4 steps, then fall back only two! Change is hard to deal with. But we get better because what other choice do we have? And it's only been 9 months. I don't think dating for me would be good after 9 months, but everyone is different. I am in no position to tell you what to do.
Totally agree with CDCD...very often, our progress IS two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes we don't think we're making progress. That's why I often suggest that people keep a journal after their loss (I wish I had). As time goes by, they are shocked to see how far they've come by reading earlier entries in their journal.
Now when I was widowed, I was given a piece of advice that I have since passed on to many others (and they have thanked me for this): it's an excellent idea to wait a year (if you can) before making any big decisions (e.g. selling a house, investing insurance money, dating). After such an emotional upheaval, we're often not thinking straight, plus we have the added pressure of people who have NOT experienced such a loss breathing down our necks with their "advice".
Personally, I think it is especially helpful to wait about a year before dating (if possible) because that year is one of many "firsts"...the first holiday season, the first birthday, the first anniversary of the person's death. We are VERY emotionally vulnerable, and I've known a number of people who got involved WAY before they were really ready...eventually hurting themselves and the other person.
I had a couple of steps backward this week. Not sure what it is that triggered it. A bit depressed and napping during the day. I have a lot on my plate right now and doing it my own can be overwhelming.
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