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I want to round you all up, cook you dinner, and share our stories. It's a sucky club, but only the members truly understand. Even then, we all have different experiences. Sharing these "dumbisms" helps sometimes, and hopefully those who read them won't repeat them.
After our 48 year-old mom was killed, an elderly woman we never met came to my sister and me after the service. She took our hands and said she knew exactly how we felt because the same thing just happened to her. Her 90 year-old mother died in her sleep. Ummm....not exactly the same, lady, but thanks for playing!
I have come to love these people who say these things, though, because at least they say something, no matter how awkward they feel. So much better than those who avoid, ignore and act like they don't know. Now, THAT hurts.
After reading this thread I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say now. And apparently saying nothing is also wrong.
People deal with loss in different ways, sometimes it's humor (even ill-timed poor attempts), sometimes it's withdrawal where they don't want to talk about it, sometimes it's pretending like nothing happened and going on normally. Gotta respect their attempts at being their for you and trying to relate to the situation in a personal way, even if it they completely 100% missed the mark. I don't think 95% of these stories had people with bad intentions in them.
I want to round you all up, cook you dinner, and share our stories. It's a sucky club, but only the members truly understand. Even then, we all have different experiences. Sharing these "dumbisms" helps sometimes, and hopefully those who read them won't repeat them.
After our 48 year-old mom was killed, an elderly woman we never met came to my sister and me after the service. She took our hands and said she knew exactly how we felt because the same thing just happened to her. Her 90 year-old mother died in her sleep. Ummm....not exactly the same, lady, but thanks for playing!
I have come to love these people who say these things, though, because at least they say something, no matter how awkward they feel. So much better than those who avoid, ignore and act like they don't know. Now, THAT hurts.
"Thanks for playing" gave me a laugh. Thanks.
Yes, dinner sounds fabulous. I'll bring my famous green beans.
After reading this thread I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say now. And apparently saying nothing is also wrong.
People deal with loss in different ways, sometimes it's humor (even ill-timed poor attempts), sometimes it's withdrawal where they don't want to talk about it, sometimes it's pretending like nothing happened and going on normally. Gotta respect their attempts at being their for you and trying to relate to the situation in a personal way, even if it they completely 100% missed the mark. I don't think 95% of these stories had people with bad intentions in them.
Except for one or two highly insensitive and clearly wrong comments (i.e. that it's probably for best that someone [that was completely healthy] is now dead), I think you are 100% correct.
I say, say or do whatever feels natural. Just don't say it's a good thing the person is dead. lol
I agree. Hugs were nice, cards were beautiful, and those who shared a memory were cherished. I tell ya- you can't go wrong with a story that begins with, "I always loved______. It might be how the person made others feel, or how they were so good at their job, or how they bragged about their kids or their spouse, etc. Also, those who shared pictures were angels.
Bottom line? Be there to listen and don't ignore the elephant and you'll do just fine.
I was once one of those people that fumbled around with saying the "right" thing and only ended up saying the wrong thing instead. At our baby's funeral, I heard (from a couple of people), "You're young, you can always have more." I equally hated, "She's in a better place".....I didn't feel this because I felt like she should be with me. I knew what they all were trying to say and what they were trying to do and they taught me to keep my mouth shut at funerals. We are only human and it's a horrible, awkward, sad place to be so we make mistakes with our words.
I think I was hyper sensitive to anything. It was really mis directed rage at a situation I never expected or wanted. Years later, I realized that almost anything people said to me...I took wrong.
But yes, people can say some really insensitive things.
I also can understand it because some people have truly never lost anyone close so they don't know what to say and can't relate but want to say something to show they care and sympathize. I take it as they're doing the best they can.
I have to agree with that. Even my husband used to say "sorry for your loss." He doesn't anymore, once he understood why it upset me.
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