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Well my dad's brother has not spoken to my mom or us since 2005. My dad died in 2004. He does not like the fact that my dad was cremated. He wanted him buried and felt it was wrong. My dad wrote a letter before he died with his wishes and had it notorized. My mother honored that. Too bad!! It wasn't my uncle's decision.Many people stopped talking to us after my dad died and who knows why. My uncle is the only sibling left on my dad's side. He lost 1 sister to lung cancer 4 years before he died and another sister died of a heart attack 3 years ago. I also love when pepople say things like "now you can rest easy knowing He/She is at peace" That maybe true but who's to say? What if you have an estate to settle? Some people say I know what you are going through. No they don't because everyone grieves differently and handles the death of a loved one differently.
I was widowed a number of years ago when I was in my 30s with two small children. Several divorced friends/acquaintances told me that at least I was fortunate that my husband loved me and didn't leave me on purpose, as their husbands had. I know they meant well, but had I been divorced rather than widowed, my children would still have had a father. (Seeing my children grow up without their Dad has been one of my biggest heartaches.)
It came up again the other day...a divorced co-worker made a "better widowed than divorced" comment to me. I didn't say anything, as I'm sure she was trying to be kind, but still...
I hate when people try and one up me with my grieving. I'm young (23) and just lost my 47 year old stepmother to bile duct cancer. I have internalized a lot of my anxiety and sadness (before and after her passing) and reserve it to myself, family, and my boyfriend. A few close friends here and there. I truly believe a lot of people can't empathize with the loss of my stepmother, especially being so young. That's not being all "nobody understands me", it's just being realistic in that most people don't get terminally ill before their senior years.
I hated when I would tell a friend what I was going through, and they would immediately snap back with something more awful that happened to them, as if I shouldn't feel grief because their grandma died, their frog died, their sister moved away, etc. I feel the best way to comfort someone is to say you are here to listen, and that's really it. I hate all the "she had a good life" "that must have been awful" "you must feel so relieved" comments. I see death as a part of life, but the dynamic of how we live without her is changing. I hate pity as well. It's more anxiety.
My friend told me that her sister is getting divorced when I told her my stepmom was going to die.
a few days after my son's funeral someone asked how old I was , I told her 36, she said oh you can have more kids...good thing I was in shock and wasn't thinking too quick, she would've had a few things said to her that she wouldn't soon forget...and there are other things...people don't always mean to be harsh, people try to think of something, thinking they have to make it better and they do the opposite..they'd be better off saying "I have no idea what to say to you"...You really have to understand that there is no perfect thing to say at such a time. People in grief are so very sensitive, you could be asking about the weather and they'd take it as an insult. You're better off offering help in the future "if you need anything, let me know"..but then don't go nuts when they do ask for help in the future...because after a tough time like that, you really remember who was there for you and who wasn't
You're so right...people say the dumbest, most insensitive things.
I was talking to an aunt (by marriage, about my age) whose brother had died suddenly in his 50's. My mother had also just lost her brother (80's), the only sibling she had left out of 11 total. The aunt was going on about how upset she was, and I happened to say something like, "My Mom is feeling that way, too". She said, "Yeah, but your Mom had her brother for 88 years, I only had mine for 55". Of course I told my Mom, since we shared everything, and she was P***ED OFF. Yes, circumstances were quite different and yes, my uncle was elderly, but my point was about *losing a brother*. My mother still felt that grief, no matter how old he was.
things just slip out most of the time, it's not rehearsed when people say the wrong thing but it hurts just the same when you're feelings are so on the surface.
I remember saying to my friend who had suffered from diabetes for a long time and they were going to amputate her one leg.."if you lose the other one, you won't have a leg to stand on"...now how bad was that??? she laughed about it ..for one she knew me and my wacky sense of humor and knew I really care about her and her feelings and didn't mean it in a bad way at all..I did apologize bercause it was not right to joke about such a serious thing but she said no way, I know how you are! ...
I remember saying to my friend who had suffered from diabetes for a long time and they were going to amputate her one leg.."if you lose the other one, you won't have a leg to stand on"...now how bad was that??? she laughed about it ..for one she knew me and my wacky sense of humor and knew I really care about her and her feelings and didn't mean it in a bad way at all..I did apologize bercause it was not right to joke about such a serious thing but she said no way, I know how you are! ...
Actually that is quite funny and what a friend to take it as intended. I did something similiar years ago when I was much younger. I had a friend who got injured and had to have their left forearm amputated. The first words out of my young stupid mouth was "How in the world are you ever going to sleep in class now"? This particular friend would always rest his chin on both hands in class and sleep. Yes it was stupid but it was funny and he dang near fell out of his hospital bed laughing so hard.
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